Saturday, August 8, 2015

why am I this way

Why am I always so melancholy? It's terrible! I don't want to be! I'd rather be fluffy and light and full of sunshine and dreams, sort of like a postmodern Daisy Buchanan. But instead, I'm a Romantic anti-hero! How embarrassing.

Hmm. Actually, maybe I'm more like a postmodern antihero. I'm a wreck, after all, and I'm not rich, and I don't have a beautiful girlfriend (sadly). I sort of slink around with dark shadows under my eyes, drinking whiskey instead of eating, developing increasingly unhealthy sleep habits, and losing weight day by day. Oh yes, and let's not forget the part where I seem to have found my own particular martyr complex. "Oh, dear me, my poor soul doesn't matter!" I cry, throwing myself onto the train tracks of selfless asceticism. "Please, let me take care of everything! Let me die, and you shall live!" (What an overdramatic little shit I am.) Anyway, it's very unfortunate, and I'm not so delighted with anything at the moment.

At least I look super cute. So there's that.

Right, so let me tell you all a hilarious fact of my existence. Well, okay, it's not so much hilarious as terribly sad and indicative of debilitating problems in my later life that will haunt me until the day I die, but let's not parse words. So! As we all know, boys seem to find me irresistible, which isn't completely surprising, considering my small size and conventionally attractive appearance. But though I understand their ardor, I don't condone it. In fact, it's quite annoying. I just want to be able to go about my day without men trying to hit on me, is that too much to ask? Well, no matter if it is or not, justice is never fair, so that ain't happening. At the moment, DD is texting me about how he wants to "be the best I've ever had" and how he wants to reconcile my heart and grace me with the healing power of love and all that. Very trite. Anyway, I feel like I shouldn't really be replying to him, especially since I think he's pretentious and unnecessarily egotistical, but here I am, making terrible life decisions yet again. At least he can keep up with me (sort of), which is a refreshing change of pace, but then again, he's so horribly pompous about it. And he's so self-satisfied! Like wow, tone it down, man. Maybe this could be one of those lovely stories where the two people who fight all the time develop Deep and Lasting feelings for each other, and their animosity becomes amity? I read lots of Les Misérables fan fiction like that, and it's very cute. But I don't think this guy is going to be my Grantaire (or am I the Grantaire?) because he acts like a sophomore philosophy major, and really, that isn't conducive to Deep and Lasting feelings at all. Oh, woe is me! Whatever will I do? If I were more of a romantic type of person, maybe I would appreciate the situation more, but as it is, it's a bit wasted on me. Speaking of being wasted, I sincerely hope he doesn't try to Fix My Pain or anything. "Ouuhh, Maria!" he would cry, one hand held ostentatiously over his heart, "My love, why must you live such an unhealthy life? You will die! And I will be left all alone! Please, my darling, let me hold you in my burly and sensual arms until you have abandoned all vice!" Ugh, even writing about that sends shivers down my spine. How disgusting! Also, he doesn't have very burly and sensual arms, I don't think. In fact, he looks kind of nerdy. Which is okay, I guess, because appearance doesn't really matter to me, but I think I would look more aesthetic next to a tough and massive biker/wrestler type person. Beauty and the Beast, or a Night Elf and Warlock, or something of that ilk. (Bahorel and Jean Prouvaire?) But, hmm. Maybe he'll be rich someday. That would be good. Given my particular leanings, I'm probably quite likely to end up unemployed, and the more rich people I know, the better. Goodness knows I won't be able to rely on my family; they're almost as impractical as I am. But of course, I would never sell my dignity for a more comfortable lifestyle. That's so not me. Maybe if I had a poor little child living with evil innkeepers in Montfermeil, and I had to send them exorbitant amounts of money every month because my disgusting trash boyfriend abandoned us, I could be persuaded to do something drastic, but other than that, I don't really see it happening. So DD's potential wealth isn't really a draw after all. Too bad.

I'm at a coffeeshop right now, and there's a charming group of people playing D&D at the table next to me, and it's warming this poor old heart of mine like nothing else. I too wish to play! I would be an elf. Or maybe a mage. Yeah, probably a mage. It's totally my aesthetic. But sadly, I have no friends with whom to play, because everyone I know is substantially cooler than I am, and the one's who aren't are complete assholes, and would probably accuse me of being a Fake Geek Girl or something. Speaking of which (well, not really, but it's related to feminism) (sort of), our pastor released a statement regarding the events of the General Conference today, and it was so good. Like, he definitely came down on the side of justice, and he was so clever about it, and his rhetoric was on point, and it just made me really happy. I thought I would share, because to be quite honest, the GC decision (and its implications) was bothering me a lot, and I was more than relieved to hear our church (which is a flagship organization of the Seventh-Day Adventist community) disseminating sensible views. Other than that, though, church wasn't fun. Spending time with my family is always a recipe for disaster. We're all so dysfunctional, especially now, and to be quite honest with you, I feel like my overdramatic angst is pretty much justified.

Okay, I think it's time to leave now. But I might be back later to complain more, because you know I can't go very long without doing that. Bye now!

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