My name is Maria K–, and I am a third-year linguistics major at UCLA. At the moment, I am home for the summer, and will be until late September, so I have a front-row seat to the events that are unfolding in my family.
Recently, my father, C–, entered the BHI program under your counseling, and as such, both my parents have received advice from you regarding how to proceed. Since some of that advice concerned me, I am taking the liberty of asking for clarification on certain points which have come to my attention.
While I believe in the power of physical touch as much as anyone, I believe that it is only effective when all parties consent. However, I have been given reason to believe that you are suggesting to my siblings and I that we somehow owe it to our father to let him touch us whenever he wants, however he wants, and without regard for our comfort. Furthermore, you have suggested that this is especially important for my sister and me, since as women, we must be groomed for further (presumably heterosexual) relationships. Ignoring all the incorrect assumptions you are making with this, and even leaving aside the fact that it is frankly not really your business whom we are involved with and how, I still feel that it is necessary to point out the frightening implications of your assertion. Do you really believe that a healthy relationship is founded on a blatant violation of boundaries? In the contemporary discourse, this notion lies under the umbrella of rape culture. As a healthcare professional, I would hope that you do not endorse this type of thing, and if you do, that is a cause for deep concern. "Daddy issues" stemming from a lack of physical touch have not (and will not) hurt me or my sister in our relationships, but I believe that a constant lack of respect for our boundaries definitely will.
There is another problem that I would like to ask you about. Recently, you told my mother that she should move out and leave my father to learn to provide for our family. Either I am missing something vital in what you said, or you have some very strange ideas of what is tenable, because this does not seem like a good idea in any respect. I understand that my father needs to learn responsibility, and it is important that he becomes a functional member of society, but children are not collateral, and I refuse to allow my siblings to suffer while he works through his issues. If you push this idea, I may have to take time off from school to care for my siblings (and my father), since I cannot let them go without proper care. You do not know me, so I must impress upon you my desperation in this instance; school is what I live for, and only in a case of the direst need would I consider derailing myself. This may not perturb you much, so I will ask you to consider the fact that the kind of household my father would run, even if he were capable of doing so, would not be a healthy one, and would not be the kind of place in which children could thrive, or even grow. He would be happy as an anachronistic autocrat, yes, but at what cost? I believe there are other ways of allowing him to be fulfilled and content without other people paying the price.
I do not know what my father has told you regarding our family, and I do not want to know. That is between him and you. But I do ask you to keep in mind that his version of household events are necessarily skewed, and he does not share the same perspective that I, or the rest of my family members, do. I know that you have spoken to my mother already, and if you would like to hear from another member of our family, I am more than willing to speak with you as well. Please reply at your earliest convenience; I would like to hear your thoughts on all this, and hopefully, you will prove me wrong in my conclusions.
Best wishes,
Maria
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