Sorry

Okay! So I drank some alcohol, and now I'm able to get up and move around, but honestly, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I'm having a Very Bad Day, let me tell you. I'm nothing but a burden, and everyone hates me. They do; don't try to tell me different. I'm the absolute worst. And I don't have anything to look forward to, just teaching, which I can't avoid, and then a night with my family. Who all hate me, by the way. Everyone hates me. Which I understand, because I hate me too. I want to get out of here, I want to be anywhere but here, but I also don't want to be anywhere. If I were somewhere else, I would have to deal with other people and their hatred and all the stares and I'm scared of that too. So I don't want to be anywhere, but I also want to be everywhere, if that makes sense (it probably doesn't). I'm scratching up my skin with my nails, because physical pain is better than what's inside my head, but it's not working, and now I'm even uglier than I was before. I think I need another drink. Maybe then I can sleep. And if I can sleep, I can get away from everything for a little while. That's the goal. And I know I'll feel even worse when I wake up, but that's what alcohol is for, isn't it? I'm not an alcoholic. I'm just very sad. I wish someone would come over and beat the crap out of me, and then maybe I'd feel better. Or not. But I wish they would do it anyway. 

How do people die? How does that happen? How am I still alive, when so many wonderful, beautiful people have been killed because of their race, or their sexual orientation, or their gender, or anything else? I'm the one who deserves that, not them, yet here I still am, taking up all the resources and causing nothing but trouble to everyone around me. I'm trash and they're not and I'm still alive, and I don't know why. What is my life worth? It can't be much. I wish I could die saving the world, or at least making a difference somewhere. I'll never make a difference. I just have to teach until everything's over, and everything will be like it is now, forever. I feel so trapped, but that's how I'm supposed to be, isn't it? Maybe if I do exactly what everyone wants me to, I'll be better, and then everything will be okay. But I can't! I can't be perfect. My mom hates me for trying to be a parent to her, even though that's what she wants me to do, and my dad is the same. My siblings hate me for who I am, and I hate me, and everything is so shitty. I can't do it! I can't do anything! I'm useless, and I'm undeserving of anything good, but I'm so privileged, and I still have the temerity to act so self-obsessed and whiny, and it's absolutely hateful. The world would be a better place if I weren't here. What good do I do? I teach shitty violin lessons to shitty brats who hate my guts, and I edit shitty textbooks, and I provide shitty counseling to everyone who asks for it. Oh yes, and I drink shitty alcohol, because nothing is worse than being sober. My life has no meaning, not really. I want to hurt myself, and I want to do something destructive (to me), and I want to go somewhere far away, and I want to explode. And I don't want to be here. I don't want to exist for a little while. Why am I so pathetic? What's wrong with me? I'm so over-privileged in every way. I'm disgusting. If anyone deserved to be killed, it would be me. But I don't believe that anyone does, so that's silly, but then again, there's an exception to everything, isn't there? And maybe I'm wrong. Dad told me that my values were weak and stupid. They probably are. Maybe people do deserve to die, ad if so, I have to be the first in line.

Nothing's going to change, not ever, and life's not going to get better, so what do I have to look forward to? Maybe I'll fail my classes next quarter! Or maybe I'll get rejected from every graduate school I apply to! Who knows? I know. I know that nothing will turn out right, not ever. I'm the exception, the outlier, and I always will be, and nothing will ever change. I'm going to be this way forever. And I'm so afraid and so miserable and I deserve all of this, but I hate it so much. I'm useless and pathetic. I don't know what to do. Well, yes. I do. I'm going to keep on going as I do, because there's nothing else I can do, and forever is going to be the same as today. Into the night go one and all.