Trash

I say that I'm trash a lot. It's mostly because I have too many feelings about fictional characters, or I laugh at shitty memes instead of actual humor. But when I say this now, know that it's true:

I. Am. Trash.

There are lots of things that go into making me the disgusting garbage person that I am. There's my infernal laziness, my annoying personality, my complete lack of intelligence (ish; I mean I'm sort of smart), even my slutty valley-girl dumb-blonde persona (and I quite realize that those terms are problematic. But if anyone is going to reclaim them, shouldn't it be me?). All in all, I belong, quite incontrovertibly, on the compost heap. 

This is a true fact, and is one that I think about every day, but at this particular moment, it came about because I had to go to church with my family this morning. Call me a heathen if you will, but church on Sabbath is one of the low points of my whole week. It's not that I dislike the services, oh no- I just find it difficult to spend time with my family in this capacity. Mom kicked-started things by telling me that I should get a job because my grandma thought I should, and that I compared badly to Seth because he's working and I'm not (I am, but I guess this doesn't concern her). And I know I should; I hate myself for it. Trust me. But I don't know, it kind of totally pissed me off, like does anyone really like to be told that? My mom basically worships my grandma, and is always rude and insufferable when the topic comes up because she wants to bend over backwards to serve her. Which I sort of respect, because she is old, and I also think that honoring one's parents is a good thing. But, that being said, it's annoying that she's doing this now, because this whole time she was saying that what I was doing was fine, and if I want to stay in LA to do research next summer, that's okay. And it's kind of a given that if I did that, I would be working too, because I have to support myself somehow, but I guess in her mind research and work are totally separate things? Well, what do I know, I'm just a useless lazy academic. Ugh, I disgust myself. I'm not good for anything; all I do is take up space. Even my grandma can see it, and she doesn't even live with us. Someone should murder me.

After Sabbath school (which was okay because I was still buzzed from my Liquid Breakfast), we had to go to church. We met our friends, which is cool, but I totally didn't want to talk to anyone, so I had to be all perky and normal when I really just wanted to die. Which is, you know, not great. So then Mom made me sit on the open end of the pew so that if Dad came along he could sit next to me and not her, and this wouldn't be bad because I would have offered anyway, but she was just so authoritarian about it, and it rubbed me the wrong way. She knows I hate sitting on the open end because it makes me anxious, but I don't think she cares, so she didn't acknowledge it or anything, which I'm not asking for, but it just goes to show the dynamic. Then she sent me chasing all over church for a bulletin, and didn't even say thank you or anything. But this whole time, I'm meant to be cheerful and supportive and act like a good mom to her, which I can do because I AM a good mom, but it made me all grumpy. Like, okay, I know my mom takes me for granted. She ignores literally everything I say unless it's related to her, and she only asks about my life when she can get a funny story out of it or make fun of me to my grandma. She uses me as a personal therapist and takes it as her due, and I don't know if she even likes me (she's my mom, so she loves me, but that's different). And I know all this, and I accept it. But it's times like these when it pisses me off the most. 

I would never complain about this to anyone. I feel extremely guilty even writing this here. I know very well that I'm a terribly person, and I don't deserve the roof over my head or anything like that. Let's just be clear about this. It's not like I would ever show this in any way or anything, so don't worry about me acting badly, even though the badness is well and truly inside me.

Anyway, so we had to wait forever after church because our family is nothing if not inefficient, and our friends were very nice and waited with us (as did Talia's gross boyfriend), which was perfectly delightful, or at least would be if I had been in a better mood. But I wasn't, so it wasn't delightful at all. 

After church, we came back, and Mom and Dad were very cheerful. Mom was normal, but Dad was manic, and it was a completely uncomfortable hour before he finally left for the church seminar. I don't know how he can't see that the bipolar diagnosis fits him like a glove. (Oh wait, yes I do- he's completely blind to anything he doesn't like. Denialism at its finest, y'all) Fortunately, he did go to the church seminar, and he wen out the door just now. Gosh, it's so hard to deal with him! Of course, it's my job to do it, so I feel bad for being cranky (which, objectively speaking, I'm not- cranky for me is barely anything), but it's really really hard to be patient. Wow, I'm telling you, there's not enough alcohol in the entire city for all of this (we live in Blue Zone Loma Linda, so this isn't an exaggeration). I usually end up sitting there scratching the skin off my wrist and thinking "I want to die, I want to die" over and over while everyone else goes on their merry way. What can I say? It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it. 

I'm much better at dealing with my siblings, although I'm also convinced that they hate me. Xander's always filled with rage, which is scary, and it's hard to tell what Anselm is thinking, and Talia is so sad, but at least they don't completely disregard my personhood. Don't get me wrong, I love each and every member of my family, it's just hard to take care of them all sometimes, and I get frustrated. But as I'm going through hell, I should keep going. It'll all make me a stronger person one day.