Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Sometimes I think that the day is the worst, but then night comes, when I have to go to bed, and I'm lying there trying to go to sleep, and then I think that this is the worst. It's not just all the anguished groans of all my family members as they pretend not to be having emotional crises, and it's not just me and my anxious thoughts swirling around like really unwanted permanent roommates. It's not even just the excruciating unpleasantness of trying to sleep in the heat. All of these are factors, of course, and I'm not good at dealing with any of them. But more than anything, this is the time when I really have to be alone with my thoughts, and suddenly everything becomes 100x worse than it really is, because my brain is just thoughtful like that. (That was a really depressing pun oh wow) Hmm, so I guess we're comparing two different types of despair here. One is daytime despair, when everything is blank and miserable, and desperate, yes, but more empty than anything else. And then the other one is nighttime despair, when it's all dark and scary and full of brooding thoughts and anxieties that won't go away, and the knowledge that the day is over, and tomorrow will be just another day like this one. They're both unbearable in different ways, so I don't know which is worse. At least at night, no one is usually trying to talk about emotional problems with me (usually). Right now, it's night, so it seems bad, but tomorrow will be coming soon enough, and then I'll probably wish I were still lying in my bed. It's all so situational, isn't it? Well, I guess that's good. I wouldn't want to be the type of person who always has an opinion on what's right all the time. (Okay that came out weirdly. You know I'd like to be right, of course, but it's not all set in stone, you know, and I don't want to be inflexible) now I'm rambling! It must be very late. I have to get up early tomorrow to get the kiddies off to school and then volunteer at the station serving breakfast, so I should go to sleep (or at least attempt to). Morning's coming; I need to be ready!
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