Over the last few weeks, I've been rereading the earlier entries on this blog, partially in reminiscence, partially as a therapy exercise, and partially out of morbid curiosity. It's been really interesting. A lot of it is stilted and embarrassing (though of course I was a child, so I'm trying to grant myself some grace), but some of it is genuinely clever and funny. I do think I believed myself to be much more witty than I was, but I was still a very, very smart kid. I just read a post where I was talking about my SAT scores. In 2012 (when I was a high school senior), a 2160 was in the 98th percentile, nationwide. I had a perfect English score, and if I remember correctly, ten points off a perfect writing score. That's nothing to sneeze at! But because I got an average math score, I and all my family discounted that. My AP scores were in the 90+ percentile; I was certified bilingual by age 17; I was involved heavily in music, volunteering, and clubs; I had a lucrative part-time job; I even balanced a pretty good social life. I had hobbies, I managed to allocate time for family, friends, church, etc., and I did it all without coffee. And yet, I was seen as a failure because I... took naps? Seriously, my family would get so angry with me when I passed out on the sofa after a couple all-nighters, and I really do think they just didn't understand. Xander was homeschooled until college, and my parents of course belong to a different generation, so they didn't get that I genuinely wasn't sleeping until 3AM on a good night during my junior and senior years of high school, and waking up at 6:30 to get ready in the morning, because tired or not, I've always been vain about my appearance. My family gave me a hard time about being ditzy and too social and going out with too many boys, about procrastinating, about staying up late, about taking too long to study, about not studying because I couldn't concentrate, and most of all, about having a shitty attitude. Which is exceptionally annoying, because I really didn't. In my freshman year, I was a bit grumpy and annoying, but I was also quite literally suicidal, knee-deep in an eating disorder, trying to reconcile myself with the fact that half the school was spreading vicious rumors about me for no reason, and struggling with a whole host of other mental illnesses. I think, all things considered, my family got off light with me just being a bit reticent and snarky. It's really sad, though, reading about how useless and stupid I thought I was. My skills in the humanities were pretty much unparalleled, even among my perfectionistic, high-achieving peers, and I was decent at science, though not exceptional by any means. Math was my one big failing, and honestly, still is. I spent so long trying to prove myself, trying to convince people that I was smart and worthy and good for something besides being hot, and each time, I was miserable when it ended up going badly. Of course, a lot of it probably had to do with undiagnosed ADHD. Not being able to concentrate on a textbook for more than a paragraph at a time if it doesn't catch my hyper-focus is not so helpful for the subjects that don't make sense to me immediately. Which, again, may have been because I didn't listen in class, because it just wasn't interesting. And then, I would convince myself that I was bad at it, and I would get discouraged, and not even want to try. And it would be a whole cycle that would end with me wanting to die because I still didn't understand integration by parts. Meanwhile, it didn't matter so much for my other classes, because I could zone out or chat/text/pass notes or do other homework for half the period and still come away with an understanding of the subject. Then, if I needed to fill in a gap, I'd ask the teacher or research it myself, and fulfill my (self-imposed) 94%+ rule in the end. All throughout high school (and college as well), I only ever once got a B on an English test, and that was because I hadn't read the book it was on. Names and dates and other bits involving rote memory were more difficult for me, but I still managed to memorize a large chunk of court cases in AP Government, and impressed my class by knowing all the terms, including somewhat-obscure Latin ones for use in court. That was when I wanted to be a lawyer (and eventually a Supreme Court justice), so I was interested, and I ended up breezing through the national exam. AP Economics was harder for me because of the math involved, but I still did very well, and the teacher liked me. My bad experience in AP Chemistry made me think that I was bad at science, but I got an A in every other class, and in fact was rather good at physics (which is to this day my favorite of the sciences). Spanish and choir were easy-peasy, of course, and history of any kind felt like cheating because it was so genuinely interesting to me. So really, aside from PE (which I either spent gossiping or flirting, and doing the minimum work possible), math was the only real weakness I had. And somehow, this translated to me being a useless dumbass with no redeeming qualities, which really isn't fair when I think about it. I'm not upset; I know my mom tried her best in an impossible situation, and I don't blame her, but at the same time, I do want to acknowledge that the lack of positive reinforcement probably did a lot to shoot holes in my self esteem. As a natural perfectionist, I glommed onto that sort of attitude, and therefore, nothing I did was ever good enough. A perfect or near-perfect score was average, and anything else was unacceptable. How many times, how many ways did I punish myself for not doing as well as I'd arbitrarily decided I should? I still remember the frustration of knowing I could do better if only I could stop my brain from turning to soup at inopportune moments, but being young and emotionally stunted and traumatized, I internalized that as being my own fault. I was way too hard on myself, I see that now.
At the same time, though, I have to acknowledge how I crashed and burned later. College was fine; I ended up graduating from UCLA, as per my teenage dreams, and overall, I slept around a lot and made friends and ate good food and went to bad parties and had a good time. And then I took a gap year, but I started fucking things up. And then I got kicked out of my PhD program for my suicide attempt and subsequent hospitalization, and then things really went to shit. I had to go back and live with my mom, and I worked in a warehouse for awhile, and then I went to rehab, and by the time I was stable enough to leave the sober-living facility, it was summer, and I was preparing to go to grad school again. And then I fucked that up, too. I didn't get a job, and I'm going to have to take a leave of absence, not just because of the strikes, not just because of Corona, but because I didn't take care of my responsibilities. I feel like a financial burden on everyone, and a regular burden, too. My life is a mess. Although, as of this morning, I do officially have a job, but I can't help but feel that it's too little, too late. What happened to me? I wasted my potential. I let people down. Every day, I feel so guilty for even existing. I do 90% of the cooking, housework, etc., but it doesn't feel like enough, and I'm afraid Emily is going to leave me because I'm annoying and easily distractible and have loud Skype conversations in the living room while she's trying to watch Netflix in bed. I'm flakey, I'm weird, I'm lazy, and sometimes I say controversial shit just to stir the pot (not like politically controversial, more like "I think the flat-Earth theory could be true, except we are in fact on a round Earth, but that Earth is embedded in a larger flat surface like a yolk in an egg"). I have too many opinions. Sometimes, it takes me an hour to do my makeup, and she'll have to sit around and wait for me. I have a "ridiculous" amount of shoes and clothes, and I value aesthetics over comfort, and I buy too many storage baskets. Yesterday, I almost cried because there were maggots in our kitchen trash, and I only barely managed to get rid of them and clean the bin, and will probably insist on throwing out all expired food items straightaway from here on out, regardless or not of if the bag is full. In short, I'm high-maintenance. That's to say nothing of how much money I've spent in the past! Before lockdown, I think I must have spent about £40.00 all told on clothes, shoes, and makeup, and then there's all the takeout and fancy alcohol and groceries. I'm a selfish spendthrift, and no matter how hard I try to budget, I crack in the end, and buy the more expensive cheese rather than walking half an hour more to get the store brand at Sainsbury's. And I do budget cheaply, I do, and I made a month-long meal plan for less than £60, but isn't that a lot, really? And couldn't I just make food for Emily and not eat it myself? I don't need to eat so much. I shouldn't, really. I don't really do anything deserving of eating like I do.
But I shouldn't be so negative. I'm twisting my thoughts again, needlessly being cruel and critical, and it's not productive. Instead, I should do something more worthwhile. I suppose I'll clean up and do the dishes. I need to clean the bathroom, too. And when Emily wakes up, I'll ask her what she wants for dinner, and I'll start on that. There's no use in sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I have to create the life I want, even if that means getting off my ass sometimes.

I feel massively insecure today. I'm not sure why, but it likely has to do with the fact that I got all emotional and cried on Emily last night for literally no reason. We'd had a few drinks, and I'm usually happy and flirty when I'm tipsy, but this time, I got sad and cried and it was embarrassing, really. I think part of it is my continued fear of emotional vulnerability, because even though I do think my EQ is decent, I still hold back a lot. It's something that I'm working on, and I'm definitely getting better at being open, but there's always the lurking fear at the back of my mind that something is going to go wrong, and I should sort of check out in preparation.
Now, this is a problem, specifically at this point in time, because Emily and I have decided to get married at City Hall earlier rather than later, just for tuition and residency purposes. Once I'm a UK citizen, things will be a lot easier in multiple ways. We're still going to have a wedding later, and in fact, we probably won't even tell anyone that we're going to be legally married until the ceremony, because we're only allowed two witnesses, and we don't want to hurt any family member's feelings. I'll tell Talia, but probably only her. I can't trust anyone else not to blab to the world. But I'm suddenly remembering my old commitment-phobe days, and my little 20-year-old self is whispering for me to cut ties and run away before I get hurt. Of course, that's not me anymore, and I don't want to cut ties in any way, shape, or form. I want to be with Emily forever, and I know this, but I'm still scared of how it's all going to turn out. It's a leap of faith, in a way; I've never done this before, and my own personal experience with marriage has been poor. I know we're not our parents, and things will be as we make them to be. We have control over our future together. Still, it's hard to shake the anxiety that persists even in the face of me knowing that I'm doing the right thing. I think even now, it's hard to accept the fact that life is happening. No do-overs, no makeups. This moment will never come again once it's gone. Which is terrifying, frankly, but also cool in a way, because it means that every day is a new chance to make the world even a little better, not only for everyone else, but for me, too. I'm always making progress, even if it doesn't feel like it, and I need to remember that.

joyeuse 14 juillet !

Greetings from the new apartment!
Moving was an ordeal. We had to pack up everything, and move it downstairs, then move it into the truck (thankfully, the man was nice and let us put everything in, instead of having to carry some of it through town), and then we had to carry it up to the new flat. And then we had to unpack it all. We were so exhausted by the end that we didn't even use our brand-new kitchen on the first night. We had fish and chips from a nearby shop instead. It took us a full two weeks to finish all our laundry and get it sorted and put away, because we washed everything we own (and because I have a lot of clothes, even in spite of leaving half of them in California). Also, the place hadn't been cleaned at all when we moved in, which wasn't great. I did a deep-clean over two days (minus the bathroom, which needed professional help), and now it's all gorgeous and sparkling. It's a sweet little flat, and every day, I'm grateful that we get to live here.
Emily's dad and step-mom came to visit us over the weekend. It was fun, but beforehand, I was so stressed and anxious, and I really felt physically sick. But we got food, and more importantly, alcohol, and everything became much less scary once we were all a few drinks in. I mostly stuck with wine, though I did switch to Bloody Marys by the end of the night once we were all back home, and it was nice to not be the drunkest in the room! Emily said the visit went over well, and they both seem to like me (she said I'm now the favorite child of both her sets of parents 😂) so I'm really relieved. And I think they've finally gotten over thinking I'm quiet and shy. Not that it really matters-- I mean, it's pretty funny, all things considered. But now they seem to have a better idea of who I really am, so I feel like they can whole-heartedly approve (or disapprove) of me.
One of our friends is coming over on Thursday. I'm really excited to see her, but I'm also concerned, because she's just gone through her first "real" breakup, and she seems, well, broken-up about it. She's the sweetest person, who honestly deserves the world, and her ex was so annoying (none of us liked her), so it's probably good in the long run, but I hate seeing her upset like this. I just hope we can make her some nice food and coffee (with a heinous amount of milk) and we can cuddle and watch horror movies and listen to folk music and sea shanties. I'm not good with breakups either, but at least I've had significantly more experience than anyone else in our friend group, so I sort of know the drill. And I'm a damn good listener, if I do say so myself!
Gosh, I wish we had some celery. I made a soup, and it's simmering away in the slow-cooker now, smelling absolutely savory and amazing, but it would have been so much better with the proper ingredients. We really don't have much of anything. Emily doesn't get paid until next week, so we currently have about fifty pounds between us.  I'm literally more financially destitute than I was in middle school. Moving was so expensive! I've been keeping a cheap menu, and we haven't bought anything we don't need, but it's still hard to pay for everything on one furloughed salary. I really hope I can get a job soon. Now that I sort of know what's going on with my university, it will be much easier to apply.
Oh, right. I didn't say. Due to everything, really, I'm going to have to take another semester. However, since it's not cheap, I'm going to take a leave of absence and save up money. During that time, Emily and I will get married, so I'll be a UK resident, and I can pay the domestic tuition (much cheaper than international tuition) and apply for financial aid. I'm trying to keep my head up and not be too despondent, but it's hard, and I'm genuinely terrified to tell my mom. She's going to be so disappointed in me. I haven't even told Talia yet, which goes to show you how bad it is. I think right now, I'm still processing, and still half in denial. I know everything will turn out for the best, or at least how it's meant to. My life has a trajectory, even if I don't know it yet. But in the meantime, it's really hard not to fall into despair. At least I haven't had to sell my hair and teeth to provide for my young daughter who's being used as a servant for some crooked innkeepers, though, right? It could be way worse.

We got the apartment!
I'm really relieved. I didn't think we would, to be honest. There were so many hoops to jump through, and it was hard to get in touch with the landlord and the letting office, probably because of lockdown. However, we finally did manage to sign the lease and pay the three months' rent that lets us off the hook for getting a guarantor, thanks to me finally cashing out the shitty stocks that my dad transferred my shares into. It was only $2500, but that was enough. I know I sound spoiled for complaining about that, because at least I had stocks, but the thing was, they used to be much better. My mom and grandparents set them up for me and my siblings as a sort of college fund. And then my dad basically blew all of it because he wanted to transfer them into more "ethical" options, i.e. gold and silver, which tanked in 2008. I believe they'd been going downhill before that as well, but that was the nail in the coffin. Xander is the only one who's not in debt from undergrad, and that's only because he got a full scholarship (he's in debt from Juilliard, though). Talia has more than I do, but poor Anselm-- he has basically nothing. It's pretty annoying, because if Mom had been left in charge of the money, we'd probably have everything paid off by now. Instead, we're all in debt.
It's okay, though. I'm really glad that I had just enough money to pay for the three months' rent, and Emily has enough for everything else until I can find work. I think I'm on the right track with that, as two people have emailed me back asking for more information. Hopefully, I can get something quickly! We're moving on Saturday, and I couldn't be more excited to have a place to ourselves. It's going to be so nice to feel comfortable in my house. I'll be able to get juice in the middle of the night without putting on pants! I'll be able to shower whenever I want to! I'll be able to chill without worrying that my housemates secretly hate me! And since I'm on the lease, I feel like I'll have more confidence. This is going to be really good. Oh, and I won't have to deal with our annoyingly loud neighbor anymore. He's been doing construction on the house next door for the entire year that we've been here, and it's really loud and disruptive and obnoxious. Right now, he's using some kind of power drill outside. It sounds like an accordion being fed through a wood chipper. That being said, I'm sure there will be annoying people in our new apartment as well, but at least they'll be new annoying people. Oh gosh, I hope there's not a baby, though. It's terrible, but I don't like the sound of crying babies. Which is something I have to deal with, because Emily and I do want kids, and I'm not going to be one of those asshole parents who treats a defenseless infant badly for something they can't even help, but in spite of what my logical brain tells me, my emotional buttcheeks still clench up when I hear that incessant wailing. If I can get through that stage, though, I get to watch the kid grow up and acquire language. I'm very excited about that. Think of all the firsthand experience I could gain for research! I intend to keep detailed logs and recordings, and of course, I'll share those with the kid when they get older as well, and hopefully, they'll think it's cool. Linguistics aside, though, I really am excited to raise a child. I want to show them all the love I never received and make them happy every day. I think it will be very rewarding!
I feel weirdly mopey today. I'm not sure if it's the heat, or the impatience of wanting to move, or feeling obligated to hang out with some people I'm not too crazy about, but I'm restless, and I want to lie in bed and sulk. I'm not going to do that, though. I purposefully went on my laptop instead of my phone, and I drank a Red Bull so I won't go back to sleep. Everyone else went into town, but I declined, because it's so hot, and I think I might melt like the Wicked Witch of the West (Coast) if I venture outside. I don't know how I'm going to manage when summer comes for real, but I do know that I'm going to buy several fans the first chance I get. Maybe I will install a little fan-filled fort in the corner of the living room with sheets and pillows to sit on, and I can go in there and be cool. I could put some fairy lights in there, and have it be all nice and cozy and cute. Actually, that's a pretty good idea. Maybe I'll do it. Omg! I'm so excited to be living with Emily! I've never lived with only one other person before (except for one semester in Ohio and one quarter at UCLA, and that was in a tiny dorm both times), and I can't even imagine how wonderful it will be to have the kitchen all to ourselves. All that refrigerator and cabinet space? A dream! We can finally have a dedicated spice cupboard, and I won't have to spend five minutes digging through canned goods and packets of instant ramen in order to find the oregano. And we can put things in the refrigerator without having to worry about someone randomly throwing them away! It'll be so nice. I think I'm going to buy some new pots and pans when I can. We need a new skillet, because even though ours works okay, it's very worn-out, and we need a soup pot, because the one I've been using doesn't belong to us. Of course, I'd love a beautiful matched set of Le Creuset cookware, but since I don't have thousands of dollars lying around, I'll just have to put it on the wedding registry and hope that a distant uncle wins the lottery and feels like contributing to our future home. For now, I'll settle for a medium-sized Dutch oven, a couple of saucepans, a non-stick skillet, and a rice cooker. Can you believe I've been cooking all my rice stove-top for a whole year? It's so stressful. Emily doesn't see the problem, but this is not the way I was raised, thank you very much! I'll try to find a cheap one, though.
Now I feel like planning the set-up for the new place. I wonder if there's a website for that, like a site that allows interior designers or artists to visualize room space? I feel like that's the sort of thing that should exist. Maybe I'll go looking. I know Emily doesn't care so much about aesthetics, but I do, and as long as we both agree on it, it should be fine. And I'm willing to spend all the time arranging and decorating things, so I don't think she'll mind too much. I also really want to rearrange our closet. I'm incredibly excited for that, actually. I packed up all our clothes yesterday (except for the outfits I set aside for us to wear this week), and we really do have some nice pieces. Not that I don't want more, of course, but for now, we have enough. Okay, I'm off to look for room design websites and drool over household appliances on Amazon! Wish me luck!

The world is basically on fire, metaphorically speaking, but probably also literally, given the global response to climate change. It's almost ridiculous how bad things are. Hell of a time for me to start making life-changing future plans, isn't it? Although, given the sociopolitical trajectory of my home country (and frankly, most other countries that I could conceivably move to), I'll probably be dead in about ten years, so I may as well make the most of the time I have. And yes, as a queer and mentally ill PoC, I'll probably die a horrible death, but in the meantime, I plan to enjoy myself and spread as much love and light as I damn well can.
Emily and I have decided to postpone the wedding by a few months. It seems safest, and honestly, I want lots of guests, and I want them to feel comfortable and not have to stand six feet apart and wear masks the whole time, so it works out. And this way, Emily can have her summer wedding, and when we renew our vows next December for the US crowd, I can have my winter wonderland celebration (which, being in California, simply means closed-toed shoes and light jackets for the cocktail hour). Planning has really been put on hold because of everything, but now that we're moving in together (just us, I mean) and planning our future more seriously, it seems like it's time for me to pick it up again. And I adore planning! I love creating the perfect party with the perfect guest list, making everything happen, ensuring that everyone has a good time. Granted, I've never planned anything for myself before, but surely I can do that, too. After all, what is a wedding but a big party? It doesn't have to be super fancy or anything; all that matters is that everyone comes away with good memories, and hopefully a raging hangover the next day. Also, this way, Emily and I can save up more, both for the reception, and for our honeymoon! We didn't think we would get to have one, but I think we can manage it if we plan very carefully. Our apartment is cheaper than we budgeted for, so provided we can get that nailed down (fingers crossed), we can put aside a fund to go travel! I want to go to Japan or Korea, but that would be very expensive, so we may have to wait on that. But Emily wants to go to Greece, and that would be cheaper, since it's in Europe, and it would be so beautiful, and the food, and think of the Instagram pictures I could take! We could also go to France. I have a friend in Paris, and since Emily and I both speak French, it would be a bit easier to get around. And then we might have a mini honeymoon in Vegas after our California wedding, just because that's cheap and easy to pull together, and Emily, being European, is fascinated by it. We were thinking of going for a few days by ourselves, and then having some friends join us for a party weekend. It doesn't seem fair for us to be there together and married and not invite our friends' SOs, though, so I suppose we could bring them along as well! Besides, I like the guys, and it would give them a chance to bond, especially if my brothers wanted to come along (which, it seems like I should at least ask, right, since Talia is coming, and Anselm came with us last time). And the more people there are, the cheaper things are (to a point)! Also, I love big groups. But whatever happens, I know it will be perfect.
I didn't mention the apartment! Emily and I (mostly her) found a beautiful cheap place right in town that's next to one of our favorite bars, the bookstore, the Japanese teahouse, and best of all, McDonalds. It's been a real hassle trying to get the lease, and we've had at least three frustrating phone calls where nothing has gotten done, but we seem to be on the right track now. I don't want to celebrate too early, but I really want this place. It's pretty much perfect, aside from being further away from the grocery store. It has a bookshelf for all of Emily's books, and a big wardrobe for (most of) my clothes, and these gorgeous floor-to-ceiling windows in the living room. The kitchen is small, but we won't be sharing it with five other people, so it probably will work out just right. Part of me wants to go nuts and use the remainder of the security deposit on this place to buy us a bunch of nice pots and pans and cooking equipment, but I know that's not prudent, especially because we can put some of those things on our wedding registry. But I am going to get a new non-stick skillet. That's totally non-negotiable.
Another change that's come to my life-- I'm blonde now! We've all been doing different things with our hair, and I bleached my ends one night, and it looked nice, so I decided to go all the way and do my whole head. And I absolutely love it. I've wanted to be blonde for years, and even though I love my natural color too, I feel so fresh and cool now. I feel like a K-Pop star! Now that I've lost my depression/alcohol weight and gotten my figure back, I really do look like Barbie. I'm considering growing out my bangs, but I'm not sure about that yet. One change at a time. Still, it's pretty awesome, and I feel even more confident now.
The one happening that may not be so exciting is that I'm likely going to have to take another quarter at my university in order to get my MA done. I talked to my advisor, who is an amazing and wonderful man, and he said he would help me try and deal with the bureaucracy involved there. Honestly, if I didn't have the administration and faculty on my side, I don't know what I would do. People are kinder and more helpful to me than I deserve, and I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, but it also makes me wonder if it's all some elaborate prank or something. Still, I'm actually somewhat grateful for this, because I was in over my head trying to do my degree in one year, especially during a global pandemic. This gives me a chance to take some time for myself and re-evaluate how I want to go about things. I'm disappointed, because it puts off doing my doctorate for another year, but at the same time, I don't know if I was truly ready for a PhD program. And if I play my cards right, I can get the work experience I need for the fully-funded program at UCL at the same time. Then, we could save up and move to London once Emily is done with her MA, and things would be a lot less hectic and stressful. So it's good, and I'm trying to talk back to the negative thoughts that I'm getting too old, but it's not always easy.
I'm doing a lot better than I was before, though. It's hard to believe how bad I was doing in my teens and early twenties. I don't think I could see it because I was so deep in it, kind of like how you can't see anything in a dark room because everything is dark. But as soon as you turn on a light, you can work from there, and realize that damn, there are at least 1000 ways to die in here. It's weird. I never ever saw myself living this long. But, in the words of that old Christina Aguilera song, Things Keep Getting Better. Or is that the Queer Eye theme song? Either way, I'm glad I didn't die in Georgia, or LA, or Loma Linda, or Ohio, or Loma Linda again, or anywhere. Kitty's tarot reading was right after all; things are going to be okay.

It’s been a long time! I think I need to journal more. Then again, there’s not much to journal about. Life has been pretty flat since we’re still in lockdown, and I haven’t been getting much done. I’m shamefully behind on schoolwork, and I still haven’t found a job. Oh, but we did find a place to live for when our current lease expires in June! Or rather, Emily found it. I didn’t do much. It’s a really good deal, though, and is right in town! How exciting— we’re going to be living together, just us two. I hope it’ll be okay. What if we flounder without the padding of roommates? But no, I don’t think we will. I just need to make sure to keep up to date on cleaning. I think that’s my worst fault as a roommate. So if I do that, and I do the cooking and all that, it should be fine. I’m so excited to decorate! Our current house is pretty drab, so it’ll be absolutely wonderful to make our new place look like home 💖 I just wish I had all my cute decorations. They’re all in California. But maybe they were too cutesy and childish? I’m going to be a professional adult 😤 Maybe I will decorate in gray! Actually, I like gray a lot, so I would be fine with that. Brown, not so much. Like, it’s so boring. It has its place in the spectrum, though.

I just realized My Chemical Romance must have had to postpone their tour this year because of the pandemic. If so, does that mean I could get tickets for next year? Oh gosh! It would be such a dream! I don’t know what I would do! Cry, probably. I would think they would come to London, at least. I know it would be horrendously expensive, but I would hopefully have a job by then. And I would save! I would give up whiskey and fancy cheese! And I wouldn’t even buy a new outfit, even though I would really want to! It would truly be a dream come true. You know, I think I owe it to young baby me. It’s therapy, right? Re-parenting or whatever. Hell yeah.

I wonder what I should make for dinner tonight. We’re a bit tight on money since we have to pay two sets of rent this month (for the house, and the new place).

Okay I’m back! It’s 2:47 AM! I was reading a YA fiction book. It was fantasy, too. Goodness, what has become of me? But I was gripped! Except one of the characters is a really racist white man and his whole “redemption” arc is that he’s horny for the girl he’s racist against, and somehow that makes everything okay 🙄 also, let’s not forget that he didn’t shoot the leader of their gang when he had a chance to even though it would have sabotaged their entire heist and gotten everyone killed! What a man! Fortunately, he dies later, so I have that to look forward to. But it’s a good series on the whole, and I’m looking forward to finishing the second book tomorrow.

It’s gotten very hot all of a sudden. I don’t like it. It’s totally inscrutable to me that some people (like Emily) prefer the heat to the cold. Since I’m always too warm anyway and I barely feel the cold unless I’m sick, I really don’t like it when the temperature is above ~80. One would think that I would have it made coming to England, but sadly, global warming has made fools of us all :( Why don’t European people have air conditioning yet? Like, come on. Embrace hedonism. Keep me from melting. You know?

Tomorrow, I need to do some schoolwork. Like, desperately. I’m behind in the worst way. The problem is that I get panic sweats every time I so much as think about checking my university email. Still, I think I can do it. I have to at some point, so I might as well do it now. Gotta rip that bandaid off and get right back to it. Even though I have not a single clue what I’m doing. My final paper for my prosody class was some grade-A bullshit. I cited Native Tongues again, I mean like come on! I also used a lot of examples from American dialects hoping that my professor won’t fact-check. The perks of being an international student! Still, I probably can’t hope for more than 50% and likely it will be lower than that. Here, that’s passing, though. C’s get degrees, vive l’académie anglaise! 

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