omg i thought i was dehydrated or dying or something but i was actually dissociating LMAO i'm getting better at figuring it out though.

i'm not sure what to do though. i feel like i'm improving daily but i also feel like i'm backsliding daily, so who really knows. i had a job interview today and tbh i do really like the company and their mission but i'm not sure i can do it right now. but maybe i can. who's to say? i feel massively overwhelmed by life all the time though and i'm not even doing anything strenuous or leaving the house really and sure it's nice that my wife can help me with stuff but i feel like a massive burden to her. which is a reason to get a job and not just be on disability. but then what if i fail at the job and i lose my disability and can't get it back and i'm unemployed with nothing. what then? i'm so lost and nothing feels okay. 

i guess i'm a lot more anxious than i think. i have to fight off nausea and dissociation for up to five hours before i finally start my day and then it's like 1pm and i'm trying to open my email and i feel like i'm about to pass out. 

oh. i think the white noise may have been too loud. i turned it down and suddenly the air looks clearer. i feel like i woke up again. whew lord. 

okay i'ma go write stories now bye

 I guess it's the time in my life for writing here again. It kind of makes me sad that I didn't have any entries for 2022, 2023, and 2024, but imperfection is beauty and all that. 

I don't know why I feel so acutely miserable all the time. I live my life in this sort of bleak fog and occasionally veer into panic or deeper dissociation, and when I go outside, I put on my people mask like some kind of fictional psychopath and go out to terrorize the public. and it's fantastic. who would not be utterly entranced by me I mean

I'm not like even that horrible though, in the grand scheme of things. I could be a murderer. Or a republican. i could drive a tesla. I'm literally a normal human being who is convinced to the very deepest core of myself that I'm somehow fundamentally dysfunctional and monstrous. Which is, to be fair, the human condition as I'm given to understand it. 

So, what does one do in this situation? Eat cereal with ice cream, smoke weed, and think about one piece. 

as the ancients did before me.

 i don't want to die but i do want to kill myself and it's the most distressing thing bc i really and truly want to live-- kind of-- at the very least, I could never do that to the people around me. but i also can't get rid of the cold logical insisting telling me that it's just the most pragmatic thing to die, no judgments, no ifs ands or buts, just the barefaced fact of it that i will never be human. 

and i should have done it long ago. i should never have let it get to this point, with a wife, and friends, and a whole life that i can't leave behind anymore. back when i was untethered, unmoored, just a lump of sadness and anxiety floating around this world, that would have affected no one and would have left this world better. but now i can't die, at least by my own hand, bc it would make my wife sad. and i don't want that. but i also feel like it would be better for her not to be tied to me. she does deserve better. 

but i think the worst is realizing that i have to continue existing like this, constantly in pain, constantly terrified, never at ease, and there's nothing i can do about it, just toil and drudgery and abject misery until i finally crumble into my decrepit pauper's grave and the world forgets i ever existed. i won't allow myself to take myself out, and that fact means that for as long as i breathe, i'll hurt. it eases sometimes, but it never truly goes away, and i can't just resign myself to that. but there's literally nothing else to do. 

and i'll never be good enough, not for anyone else, not for myself, and certainly not for this end stage capitalist hellscape we live in. i'll never be anything, and therefore, it would make logical sense for me to die and free up some resources for someone who actually is good for something. but i'm too selfish and stubborn and i'll continue clinging to life and in doing so, will hurt everyone i come across. but i still won't die. 

am i terrible? am i awful? am i a child of the devil after all? what's a little more guilt when my entire life is stitched from it, what's a little more shame about my pathetic existence when all conscious thoughts confirm it. everything i am is unacceptable. 

i can't face it. but i have no choice. 

and i could have been someone. i could have mattered too. but it's far too late for that, too late for me, and this world can never hold me the way i wanted. i never stood a chance, and it's not entirely fair for me to hate myself for that, but i also can't help it, a little. if i'd just been better, smarter, more likable, more hardworking, if i'd just buckled down and embraced the grind, if i'd just x, if i'd just y, if only i was someone else, something made of more than mediocrity and despair, someone smarter, prettier, richer, more talented, or if i'd done that, or done this, or had an identity outside of others' perception, positive or negative, if i was more, if i was less, if i was better. but i'm not. i'm me. and i'm deeply sorry for it. 

 I'm on call for one more hour, but the one arrival pending for tonight has already been intaked (intook?) and I did all my census and admin stuff while it was slow in the afternoon, so I'm writing on here while I sit at my desk! It's nice to be able to work from home in the evenings. I like the balance of being able to take care of my in-person work in the office, and then coming back to my apartment to finish up my shift in my underwear LOL. I don't like the three 12-hour shifts I have to do back-to-back each week, but I also prefer to do it myself instead of having to work with someone else. My coworker and I are both Capricorns to the extreme and we work amazingly well together, but now she's out for six months with her new baby, so I have free reign now, and I like it, because I'm not trying to do College Group Project Part 2: The Healthcare Boogaloo. It does mean that I have very little time to myself now, though.

K and I went to see a show this weekend! It was my first big one since El Pando, and being around so many people just breathed life into my soul. I felt like I was being moisturized. Also, little 14-year-old emo me would think I'm the coolest motherfucker around, so I'm pleased. This is the inner child work, bitch!! K is amazing. I love her with my entire heart. On Saturday night, we just sat around in my bedroom smoking and doing art (after I clocked out, since I did have to work a 12 that day). We also listened to emo music (and the odd metal song I added when they got stuck in my head). We have really similar taste in music, although she tends more towards folk and dark cabaret for her "guilty" pleasures and I spin towards dad rock and bro metal. We both really like industrial, hardcore, etc. though, and we're both very opinionated about music, so discussions are fun. I love having a music buddy; I never really have before. Then again, I forced myself to not really listen to any music that I enjoyed for many years, so I didn't have a lot of passion. Now it's one of my main coping mechanisms and joys in life once again (last time was fully in high school I think), and coincidentally, my mental health is so much better. It's really about finding what I like and allowing myself (or being allowed) to enjoy it. Death metal makes me happy, and I like being happy, and it's kind of dumb to censor myself just because it's not a common interest for a slice of the population (it's not even uncommon either though, but whatever). I like getting ASMR from songs (I recently learned that's what it is), and as embarrassing as it is, I do like getting obsessed with albums. Now, if I'm having a bad day, I can feel better after it just by playing my music loud as hell and singing along as I drive home. Much better than substance abuse and self-harm!

Ah I just googled my symptoms and it seems I'm experiencing a tension headache. Big surprise there !! It takes me ages to relax enough to sleep at night, and I don't realize it until it becomes annoying, but I do carry around a lot of stress throughout the day (and evening now). Hopefully this doesn't become a problem. But at least I have health insurance now.

Wait food is good actually. I forget a lot. I never have time to cook anymore, and it's kind of sad to just cook for me, so I eat like a quirky main character in the Netflix adaptation of a YA novel (this is not even factoring in the poverty and the anorexia). I also get randomly obsessed with foods for a little while and don't want to eat anything else. Right now, it's cup noodles, if that gives any indication of how low the bar is. It's not that I can't cook, because I can, and I'm actually very good at planning and prepping and all that as well, but I feel like I just don't get the chance to flex. Right now, most of my life is work.

Wait if I broke it down, hmm. I go to bed (read: get in bed) at around 11 (or try to) and get up at 6 (or 6:30 if I'm tired, which is always), so that's about 6 hours of sleep if we're being extremely generous. I leave for work by 6:50, clock in by 7:50, clock out at around 9 (I work through my lunch because there's only one of me and I don't want to step away for an hour and come back to five million emails and three AMAs and it all works out anyway since I do have to take an hour to drive home). So basically, the only time I'm not working is when I'm driving, from 9 - 11 PM, and whenever I have free time between work tasks (and a lot of that free time I use for household planning, chores, budget, etc., and catching up on my socials and answering some of my snaps and messages). I can do like one thing on weekends now, because otherwise I'll have a panic attack on Facetime with Emily, crying about how overwhelmed I am, so I have a ton of dates and pending plans in my social queue, and a lot of friends whom I never get to see. Goddamn. No wonder I feel like I've had strychnine poisoning all the time.

Oh yay it's 8:45! Time to type up my final reports and send them off! And then you fucking know I'm gonna get so so high.

 I slept in until 10 this morning (I woke up earlier, but I stayed in bed and lazed around trying to go back to sleep) (but I think I'm losing the ability to sleep a lot), drank coffee, showered, and then facetimed with Emily, then went grocery shopping, and then came back, made lunch and downed more cold brew, vaped, and cleaned my house. It took awhile, because I've been so tired that I have a lot of stuff to do now. But I did it! Now all I have to do tomorrow is clean my fridge, get gas, and do laundry. I feel so much better, because all the housework I have building up has been hanging over my head. Now I'm drinking more coffee and waiting for K to get here (she's sleeping over and we were going to go to the beach with the others tomorrow, but that trip has been postponed). It's going to be so nice. I haven't hung out with my friends for too long; the last time was N's party last week, but I barely stayed three hours, and I was a bit of a zombie. However, I'm done with my period now, and I've been doing better in general, so I have a lot more energy (hence me being able to do several weeks' worth of cleaning all at once). So it's going to be nice to see K! I wish we could see the others as well, but it's always nice to have one-on-one time. I have to remember that, and not be afraid of the intimacy. 

I'm going to start working more hours on some evenings, but that's good, because it will force me to do stuff and multitask instead of just flopping on my bed. I'm still adjusting to living a normal life, but now that I'm not using all my energy just to stay alive, it's a lot easier to get everything done.

Yay K is here!!

 I think I'm annoyed because I don't like it when people don't take me seriously, even though it's something that's happened all my life, regardless of where I am, and even though I can be used to it, I can also be bothered by it. It's especially annoying because it's nothing I can even control. People see what I look like and they decide that I'm some dumb blonde valley girl and only care about my clothes and Snapchat streaks, and that's not untrue, strictly speaking, but I'm more than that too, and in a professional context, I work hard to make sure the job gets done efficiently with minimal drama, and I feel like that's something people should recognize too, even as they laugh at me for being ditzy or whatever. I know it's on them, and I know it does make my life easier in a certain way if no one sees me as a threat, but it sucks. I hide my natural accent and try to speak in Mid-Atlantic office tones, and I try to hide my body with layers and professional clothes, and I never wear falsies or contour or lipstick or anything besides eyeliner and mascara on the job. I don't even talk to my coworkers about personal things. Most of them know nothing about me. Why should they? They're not my friends. They don't care. And honestly, I don't want them to. I'm not into work like that.

I think I also feel isolated and like many of the people in my personal life don't see or hear me for who I am. I feel like some kind of fictional character that exists in everyone's perception, but slightly wrong for a different reason each time. And no one seems to care to know more, because it doesn't fit what they've decided. And that frustrates me, particularly because I like to know more about people, and it feels unfair that they'll accept my friendship and the benefits it offers, but not make an effort to extend the same for me. I constantly feel used for my appearance and my social skills, and as flattering as that might sound, I'm so fucking lonely lmao

 I've been so fucking tired all day, and I don't even get a reprieve until next Saturday, because I have to work this weekend again. It's not so bad, don't get me wrong, and I'm not saying I want to go back to 12-hour shifts at the warehouse or anything, but this is my personal blog, and I can say that I'm cranky and exhausted without someone guilting me about it. Yes, I like my job. Yes, I like where I'm at in life. No, I'm not going to magically feel happy all the time, because I'm a human, and I act like one, and I have a wide range of emotions, all of which take their turn in the sun.

It sucks though. I've been way too tired and drained to do any kind of housekeeping when I get home, so the vast majority of my cooking, cleaning, shopping, organizing, laundry, etc. happens on weekends. I have two days of dishes in my sink currently, and I hate that I do, but I simply cannot do them right now. I also have a huge list of chores to do, because I keep putting them off. I enjoy living alone especially because I can keep my house to my standards, but when I fall short, I feel disappointed in myself, and that's not really helpful or reasonable even, because most adults have someone else living with them to pick up the slack, and since E isn't here yet, it's all on me, and it's okay and understandable that I'm not cleaning the kitchen every day or whatever. Every week is fine.

I also need to keep looking at my priorities. I have to remember that I only have 24 hours in the day, and I have to sleep for 8 of them or I'll feel shitty. And given that I'm at work for 10 more (including commute and lunch), and have to take care of responsibilities for another two or so, I really only have about four hours to do what I want and fully enjoy life. Plus weekends. So it's not a lot, and I also need to remember that it does no good to stress about things that have either been taken care of or will be taken care of. If I have it done or set to be done, there's literally no reason to stress about it. I think growing up in the way I did, where it was seen as really bad to have any fun or freedom, that's something I need to let go of, and I don't need anyone's permission to be who I want or to be healthy. I want to be my best self for me, no one else, and no one else gets input as to what that best self is. Sure, I'll listen to people if it's something that affects them, but me, who I am, that's none of their business, and I don't have to accede to any kind of shaming or demands. I am my own advocate, first and foremost, and I'm allowed to be confrontational and assertive and even aggressive, and I'm allowed to remove people from my circles if I want to. And honestly, it's a rough world out there, and yes, I act like everything is a joke, but I'm not naive, and I know what's what, and it's important for me to take care of myself. Other people matter, and I love people above all, but I have to love myself before that.