omg i thought i was dehydrated or dying or something but i was actually dissociating LMAO i'm getting better at figuring it out though.

i'm not sure what to do though. i feel like i'm improving daily but i also feel like i'm backsliding daily, so who really knows. i had a job interview today and tbh i do really like the company and their mission but i'm not sure i can do it right now. but maybe i can. who's to say? i feel massively overwhelmed by life all the time though and i'm not even doing anything strenuous or leaving the house really and sure it's nice that my wife can help me with stuff but i feel like a massive burden to her. which is a reason to get a job and not just be on disability. but then what if i fail at the job and i lose my disability and can't get it back and i'm unemployed with nothing. what then? i'm so lost and nothing feels okay. 

i guess i'm a lot more anxious than i think. i have to fight off nausea and dissociation for up to five hours before i finally start my day and then it's like 1pm and i'm trying to open my email and i feel like i'm about to pass out. 

oh. i think the white noise may have been too loud. i turned it down and suddenly the air looks clearer. i feel like i woke up again. whew lord. 

okay i'ma go write stories now bye