The world is basically on fire, metaphorically speaking, but probably also literally, given the global response to climate change. It's almost ridiculous how bad things are. Hell of a time for me to start making life-changing future plans, isn't it? Although, given the sociopolitical trajectory of my home country (and frankly, most other countries that I could conceivably move to), I'll probably be dead in about ten years, so I may as well make the most of the time I have. And yes, as a queer and mentally ill PoC, I'll probably die a horrible death, but in the meantime, I plan to enjoy myself and spread as much love and light as I damn well can.
Emily and I have decided to postpone the wedding by a few months. It seems safest, and honestly, I want lots of guests, and I want them to feel comfortable and not have to stand six feet apart and wear masks the whole time, so it works out. And this way, Emily can have her summer wedding, and when we renew our vows next December for the US crowd, I can have my winter wonderland celebration (which, being in California, simply means closed-toed shoes and light jackets for the cocktail hour). Planning has really been put on hold because of everything, but now that we're moving in together (just us, I mean) and planning our future more seriously, it seems like it's time for me to pick it up again. And I adore planning! I love creating the perfect party with the perfect guest list, making everything happen, ensuring that everyone has a good time. Granted, I've never planned anything for myself before, but surely I can do that, too. After all, what is a wedding but a big party? It doesn't have to be super fancy or anything; all that matters is that everyone comes away with good memories, and hopefully a raging hangover the next day. Also, this way, Emily and I can save up more, both for the reception, and for our honeymoon! We didn't think we would get to have one, but I think we can manage it if we plan very carefully. Our apartment is cheaper than we budgeted for, so provided we can get that nailed down (fingers crossed), we can put aside a fund to go travel! I want to go to Japan or Korea, but that would be very expensive, so we may have to wait on that. But Emily wants to go to Greece, and that would be cheaper, since it's in Europe, and it would be so beautiful, and the food, and think of the Instagram pictures I could take! We could also go to France. I have a friend in Paris, and since Emily and I both speak French, it would be a bit easier to get around. And then we might have a mini honeymoon in Vegas after our California wedding, just because that's cheap and easy to pull together, and Emily, being European, is fascinated by it. We were thinking of going for a few days by ourselves, and then having some friends join us for a party weekend. It doesn't seem fair for us to be there together and married and not invite our friends' SOs, though, so I suppose we could bring them along as well! Besides, I like the guys, and it would give them a chance to bond, especially if my brothers wanted to come along (which, it seems like I should at least ask, right, since Talia is coming, and Anselm came with us last time). And the more people there are, the cheaper things are (to a point)! Also, I love big groups. But whatever happens, I know it will be perfect.
I didn't mention the apartment! Emily and I (mostly her) found a beautiful cheap place right in town that's next to one of our favorite bars, the bookstore, the Japanese teahouse, and best of all, McDonalds. It's been a real hassle trying to get the lease, and we've had at least three frustrating phone calls where nothing has gotten done, but we seem to be on the right track now. I don't want to celebrate too early, but I really want this place. It's pretty much perfect, aside from being further away from the grocery store. It has a bookshelf for all of Emily's books, and a big wardrobe for (most of) my clothes, and these gorgeous floor-to-ceiling windows in the living room. The kitchen is small, but we won't be sharing it with five other people, so it probably will work out just right. Part of me wants to go nuts and use the remainder of the security deposit on this place to buy us a bunch of nice pots and pans and cooking equipment, but I know that's not prudent, especially because we can put some of those things on our wedding registry. But I am going to get a new non-stick skillet. That's totally non-negotiable.
Another change that's come to my life-- I'm blonde now! We've all been doing different things with our hair, and I bleached my ends one night, and it looked nice, so I decided to go all the way and do my whole head. And I absolutely love it. I've wanted to be blonde for years, and even though I love my natural color too, I feel so fresh and cool now. I feel like a K-Pop star! Now that I've lost my depression/alcohol weight and gotten my figure back, I really do look like Barbie. I'm considering growing out my bangs, but I'm not sure about that yet. One change at a time. Still, it's pretty awesome, and I feel even more confident now.
The one happening that may not be so exciting is that I'm likely going to have to take another quarter at my university in order to get my MA done. I talked to my advisor, who is an amazing and wonderful man, and he said he would help me try and deal with the bureaucracy involved there. Honestly, if I didn't have the administration and faculty on my side, I don't know what I would do. People are kinder and more helpful to me than I deserve, and I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, but it also makes me wonder if it's all some elaborate prank or something. Still, I'm actually somewhat grateful for this, because I was in over my head trying to do my degree in one year, especially during a global pandemic. This gives me a chance to take some time for myself and re-evaluate how I want to go about things. I'm disappointed, because it puts off doing my doctorate for another year, but at the same time, I don't know if I was truly ready for a PhD program. And if I play my cards right, I can get the work experience I need for the fully-funded program at UCL at the same time. Then, we could save up and move to London once Emily is done with her MA, and things would be a lot less hectic and stressful. So it's good, and I'm trying to talk back to the negative thoughts that I'm getting too old, but it's not always easy.
I'm doing a lot better than I was before, though. It's hard to believe how bad I was doing in my teens and early twenties. I don't think I could see it because I was so deep in it, kind of like how you can't see anything in a dark room because everything is dark. But as soon as you turn on a light, you can work from there, and realize that damn, there are at least 1000 ways to die in here. It's weird. I never ever saw myself living this long. But, in the words of that old Christina Aguilera song, Things Keep Getting Better. Or is that the Queer Eye theme song? Either way, I'm glad I didn't die in Georgia, or LA, or Loma Linda, or Ohio, or Loma Linda again, or anywhere. Kitty's tarot reading was right after all; things are going to be okay.