I feel massively insecure today. I'm not sure why, but it likely has to do with the fact that I got all emotional and cried on Emily last night for literally no reason. We'd had a few drinks, and I'm usually happy and flirty when I'm tipsy, but this time, I got sad and cried and it was embarrassing, really. I think part of it is my continued fear of emotional vulnerability, because even though I do think my EQ is decent, I still hold back a lot. It's something that I'm working on, and I'm definitely getting better at being open, but there's always the lurking fear at the back of my mind that something is going to go wrong, and I should sort of check out in preparation.
Now, this is a problem, specifically at this point in time, because Emily and I have decided to get married at City Hall earlier rather than later, just for tuition and residency purposes. Once I'm a UK citizen, things will be a lot easier in multiple ways. We're still going to have a wedding later, and in fact, we probably won't even tell anyone that we're going to be legally married until the ceremony, because we're only allowed two witnesses, and we don't want to hurt any family member's feelings. I'll tell Talia, but probably only her. I can't trust anyone else not to blab to the world. But I'm suddenly remembering my old commitment-phobe days, and my little 20-year-old self is whispering for me to cut ties and run away before I get hurt. Of course, that's not me anymore, and I don't want to cut ties in any way, shape, or form. I want to be with Emily forever, and I know this, but I'm still scared of how it's all going to turn out. It's a leap of faith, in a way; I've never done this before, and my own personal experience with marriage has been poor. I know we're not our parents, and things will be as we make them to be. We have control over our future together. Still, it's hard to shake the anxiety that persists even in the face of me knowing that I'm doing the right thing. I think even now, it's hard to accept the fact that life is happening. No do-overs, no makeups. This moment will never come again once it's gone. Which is terrifying, frankly, but also cool in a way, because it means that every day is a new chance to make the world even a little better, not only for everyone else, but for me, too. I'm always making progress, even if it doesn't feel like it, and I need to remember that.