I've been so fucking tired all day, and I don't even get a reprieve until next Saturday, because I have to work this weekend again. It's not so bad, don't get me wrong, and I'm not saying I want to go back to 12-hour shifts at the warehouse or anything, but this is my personal blog, and I can say that I'm cranky and exhausted without someone guilting me about it. Yes, I like my job. Yes, I like where I'm at in life. No, I'm not going to magically feel happy all the time, because I'm a human, and I act like one, and I have a wide range of emotions, all of which take their turn in the sun.

It sucks though. I've been way too tired and drained to do any kind of housekeeping when I get home, so the vast majority of my cooking, cleaning, shopping, organizing, laundry, etc. happens on weekends. I have two days of dishes in my sink currently, and I hate that I do, but I simply cannot do them right now. I also have a huge list of chores to do, because I keep putting them off. I enjoy living alone especially because I can keep my house to my standards, but when I fall short, I feel disappointed in myself, and that's not really helpful or reasonable even, because most adults have someone else living with them to pick up the slack, and since E isn't here yet, it's all on me, and it's okay and understandable that I'm not cleaning the kitchen every day or whatever. Every week is fine.

I also need to keep looking at my priorities. I have to remember that I only have 24 hours in the day, and I have to sleep for 8 of them or I'll feel shitty. And given that I'm at work for 10 more (including commute and lunch), and have to take care of responsibilities for another two or so, I really only have about four hours to do what I want and fully enjoy life. Plus weekends. So it's not a lot, and I also need to remember that it does no good to stress about things that have either been taken care of or will be taken care of. If I have it done or set to be done, there's literally no reason to stress about it. I think growing up in the way I did, where it was seen as really bad to have any fun or freedom, that's something I need to let go of, and I don't need anyone's permission to be who I want or to be healthy. I want to be my best self for me, no one else, and no one else gets input as to what that best self is. Sure, I'll listen to people if it's something that affects them, but me, who I am, that's none of their business, and I don't have to accede to any kind of shaming or demands. I am my own advocate, first and foremost, and I'm allowed to be confrontational and assertive and even aggressive, and I'm allowed to remove people from my circles if I want to. And honestly, it's a rough world out there, and yes, I act like everything is a joke, but I'm not naive, and I know what's what, and it's important for me to take care of myself. Other people matter, and I love people above all, but I have to love myself before that.