I think I'm annoyed because I don't like it when people don't take me seriously, even though it's something that's happened all my life, regardless of where I am, and even though I can be used to it, I can also be bothered by it. It's especially annoying because it's nothing I can even control. People see what I look like and they decide that I'm some dumb blonde valley girl and only care about my clothes and Snapchat streaks, and that's not untrue, strictly speaking, but I'm more than that too, and in a professional context, I work hard to make sure the job gets done efficiently with minimal drama, and I feel like that's something people should recognize too, even as they laugh at me for being ditzy or whatever. I know it's on them, and I know it does make my life easier in a certain way if no one sees me as a threat, but it sucks. I hide my natural accent and try to speak in Mid-Atlantic office tones, and I try to hide my body with layers and professional clothes, and I never wear falsies or contour or lipstick or anything besides eyeliner and mascara on the job. I don't even talk to my coworkers about personal things. Most of them know nothing about me. Why should they? They're not my friends. They don't care. And honestly, I don't want them to. I'm not into work like that.

I think I also feel isolated and like many of the people in my personal life don't see or hear me for who I am. I feel like some kind of fictional character that exists in everyone's perception, but slightly wrong for a different reason each time. And no one seems to care to know more, because it doesn't fit what they've decided. And that frustrates me, particularly because I like to know more about people, and it feels unfair that they'll accept my friendship and the benefits it offers, but not make an effort to extend the same for me. I constantly feel used for my appearance and my social skills, and as flattering as that might sound, I'm so fucking lonely lmao