Love, I guess

It's more than a feeling when I hear that old song they used to play... Man, okay, this is pretty dumb, but nowadays, I've been getting all emotional over songs. Like, that one, and I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing by Aerosmith, and man, I think I'm turning into a sentimentalist. I'm one of those horrible people who thinks about nothing and says nothing, but everything at the same time (oops, that sounded deeply meaningful, and all I meant was that those people prattle on about boring topics all the livelong day). Not to say that Austin is nothing, because he's definitely something to me. Ew, there I go again. Gross. Maybe I should have a way of gauging my potential eye-glaze factor. I mean, you see, I don't think I'm boring, because everything I say is fascinating to me, otherwise I wouldn't be saying it, but I'm sure it's quite an earful of vapidity to everyone else. Therefore, if for any reason you are a real person reading this, and not Jasmine, I would advise you to step away now, because this next bit is going to be a doozy.
I'm such a sentimentalist. I never knew it, because I've never been before. I mean, not really. I suppose I am a bit on occasion, but now I've become this horrible annoying person, and I feel so strange about it. Like, I talk about love and all that good stuff on here so often, and it's got to be a bad habit, I think. And I actually sometimes respond now when Austin tells me cute things! I keep telling myself not to, because each thing I say will be more embarrassment later, but it comes spilling out anyway. I don't know, I think most people have that, where there's so much emotional fluff inside that it has to come out at some point, and when it does, it's truly dreadful to everyone but those directly concerned. I know I say some dreadful things. I can't think of an example offhand, but I'm sure there is one. Then again, I'm not exactly sure I want to think of one, because my own saccharine mentality does a good bit to mortify the flesh and soul as well. It's so bad. You know, I don't even have the desire to flirt with guys anymore, no matter how hot they are. The other day, some fine lookin' dude was giving me the one-over, and all I could think was, "You're not Austin, get over yourself." Then I couldn't believe I'd thought that, but that doesn't change the fact that I did. You know, guys are just horribly annoying now (the ones who try to hit on me, that is, not guys in general; I don't practice misandry). I had to Skype with Tim yesterday, and he was trying his best to chat me up, but I didn't even feel flattered or anything. Is that bad? All my life, even if I thought a guy was annoying, I'd been just a little tickled that someone actually thought I was worth noticing, even just for a superficial purpose. Of course, the other part of me was annoyed and all that, but the fact still remains. And now– what? Have I turned into the cold and heartless person I was meant to be? Or am I so besotted with Austin that any other guys just seems irritating in comparison? Neither of those options sound very good, to be honest. I don't want know what to think anymore. Why can I not be one of those people who is so sure about everything? Everyone I know, or seemingly everyone, knows his or her own situation to perfection and is always sure about these matters. Who else but me would be unsure if someone liked her, at this point in the game? It's so sad! I want to believe it so much, but I just can't quite. This all makes me feel so stupid! Why does it have to be this way? Maybe I should just retreat into a turtle shell and never talk to him again. That would solve the problem, right? Or maybe I should try to stop liking him (because you know I do). Then when the inevitable crash came, I would be securely on the shores of nonchalant disregard, and all would be well with my soul. I don't want to give him up though! Even if it's going to bring problems, this current state of affairs makes me so happy! But that's not good either. UGH. I wish I were good at all this sort of thing!
I'm really insecure. Man. That must be such a turn-off to everyone.
But, okay, this is going to sound so stupid to me in the future. But maybe he might really and truly like me? I can't believe it either (as I made quite clear), but before you start thinking I'm a person who assumes everyone is in love with her, let me think this out in a logical and thoughtful way. So. You see, he put his profile picture on Facebook as one of us together. I don't know, I feel like if he were trying to play some sort of prank on me, he would be more private about it, you know? Like, he wouldn't want to set himself up for the possible embarrassment of having people misjudge his little joke vis-a-vis me. So that might be a good sign, right? I looked through all his profile pictures, though, because I'm a creep, and none of them were with the girls he's dated, so that might be a bad sign after all. Like, maybe he will claim it's some massive and hilarious joke and everyone who doesn't get it is just not in the know. So I'm not sure there. Let's see, what else. So, his tumblr is full of references to what I think might be me, but then again, I'm horribly conceited, and I might just be imagining things, as I said before. But at least, okay, he posted one (completely hideous, may I add) picture of me saying, "we're on a date thing, how adorable is she?" from when we went out one time, and one with a (better, but still not wildly attractive) picture, with a caption saying, "goodbye :'(" so at least I know for sure those were about me. Right? I mean, he wouldn't use a picture of me to talk about someone else, would he? And then he makes posts that seem oddly specific to my situation. Then other ones are just general cutesy love things. Actually, his blog is really, really, girly. If it's not love or cheesy quotes or corny songs, it's pictures of sunsets and snowflakes and pretty flowers, and I'm pretty sure there are some fluffy little animals in there too. In contrast, mine has political stuff, economic stuff, Supernatural and other dorky fan stuff, literature references, a mixture of puns and lame jokes, and stuff that no one but me would find funny. But where was I? Oh yes. So, if he's going to put stuff like this on his blog, which isn't something most people see, and is really a pretty personal thing, maybe he really does mean it! I don't know, man, I don't know. I just really want him to like me! Is that sad and lame? It is, I know. I'm sad and lame. But what can you say to a woman in love?
Ugh, you know I got it reeal bad. He makes me smile whenever I think of him (and it looks pretty silly when I'm striding across campus with a big ole grin on my face), and so many things he does make my pore heart flop around like a salmon on a leash. I feel like such a silly person, actually, because he can say or do the simplest thing, and I'll be tremendously affected. And there are things about him that seem so insignificant, but which are so completely endearing to me, and then I feel like one of those white people in the Nicholas Sparks books, and then I'm ashamed of myself. Bleh. I think I could potentially be one of those white people, actually, although I hope I'm not, because they always seem to die prematurely. But, yeah! That's my story right there! Problematic and silly and quite embarrassing when disaster strikes! I wish so much that I could be the Rozencrantz to his Guildenstern, and not lose him when he goes to school too, but that's too much to hope for, I mean, really now. I guess I'll accept these happy days until they end, and then I'll get Tim, or Jesse, or whoever, to comfort me in my despair and loneliness. I'm sure he will be happy to oblige.