Date me

Here I am again! I'm going to tell you about my lovely Austin, since there is a mole of people outside my room and I'm stuck in here for the present.
I also need to cheer myself up.
So! This summer, as you very well know, I had five guys to whom I was talking, although really, it should be four, since although Francisco may not be out of the running, he has a girlfriend, and I'm always careful not to disturb their relationship. But anyway. There was Ethan, and Tim, and Jesse, and Austin. The other three are really annoying, so let's not worry about them. I never thought Austin liked me, even though he was always flirting with me (I think), and I always assume a platonic relationship with everyone until proven otherwise (and sometimes not even then). He talked to me a lot, though, and when I invited him to CKC to help, he came, and kept coming (and he says he'll keep going even though I'm not there anymore, bby). And then I saw that entry of his on tumblr, but I wasn't positive still. Then on the Tuesday before I left, we wanted to meet up and hang out, but I couldn't in the day, because I went to the LACMA with Dad (which was the best thing ever by the way), and when I got back, Allie and Sonia wanted to go to a brewery to eat ice cream, because it was on sale. So we went, and it was fun, but then Allie's weird new friends showed up, and I didn't know them, so I got quiet, and Sonia didn't know them, so she got awkward. They made us go to Red Robin, and I was bored, so I texted Austin to see if he wanted to come over. He showed up fifteen minutes later, and it was quite hilarious to see everyone's reaction to his beauty. We decided to leave and go to Barnes and Noble, because that's my jam, and we thought we'd bring Sonia, since she wasn't happy there either. But then she had to go, and it was just us. But anyway, we wandered around reading stuff until closing time, and then we hung out a little more, but Mom wanted me to go home, so he drove me back (by the way, he was so nice about it, completely opposite of nasty Ethan– did I write about my unhappy date with him?). We got out of his car and talked for a bit, and then he kissed me, and it was such a surprise and I went, "Oh hi there soldier! Wellp, gotta go!" and ran away. But I was happy, and I guess he knew it, because he was happy too. Then the next day, he came to CKC to help, and one of the kids tried to teach him violin, and it was the cutest thing ever, and we talked for awhile more, and he played a song he wrote for me and fjfhjkehkjhfk it was lovely. He gave me a letter that he wrote too, and it was the sweetest love letter I've ever read, and I died (metaphorically speaking). So then, the next day, which was the day before I left, he came over in the evening, and we went to Red Robin, and ate about a million calories. It was so fun! I was barely uncomfortable eating in front of him! Now that's sayin something. But he got the receipt and said he would keep it to remember, and I was sure he couldn't mean what I thought he might mean, so I said, "Yeee that's smart, I always keep track of my expenditures too!"But I guess he did mean what I thought after all. So we went back to my house, and we sat in the back of his car in the romantic early evening light, and he played and sang for me and then we talked about random stuff and I've never been so happy with any guy before (except Francisco, but he doesn't count, obviously). Then Sonia came over to say goodbye to me, and she stayed for a couple hours, and we all talked about stuff. Finally, her parents came to get her, and she had to go, so Austin and I were alone again. I kept meaning to go in and pack, but I didn't want to leave, so I stayed out there until about 10:00, and only went in when Mom came home from work and saw him kissing me (I'm so glad it wasn't Dad though). So I finished packing, and got up early the next morning to go to school with Kitty and say goodbye to her, and when I came back, he was waiting for me at my house to say goodbye. Dad said he was "positively underfoot," but I didn't think he was. I cried so much when I left, ugh, let's not dwell on that. Anyway! So he's been texting me and skyping and everything, and I miss him so much and phooey on earth, I even dream about him. I really don't want to have it bad for him, you know? I don't want to fall in love! It only ends in ruin for everyone! But I don't know how to stop myself.
Oh, he wants to skype before my roommate comes back for dinner. Sounds good to me!
All right, so it's late, but I'm nervous about my classes tomorrow, and I can't sleep, so I'm going to write some more. Now, let me see, where was I? Oh right. So, I really don't want to fall in love, because I feel like it will just lead to problems. I think I'm going to be made a fool of, one way or another, and that's something my extraordinary hubris hates (that was nice personification, wasn't it?). I'm so afraid he'll turn out to have been playing an elaborate joke on me, and sharing it with all his friends, and they're all laughing up their sleeves together even now. Because, let's be real here, why would someone as lovely as he like me? Of course, the obvious answer is that he wants to get into my pants, and yes, that's another matter on which I'm concerned. No one likes me for me; they like me for my pretty face and my 20 inch waist and my double D cup size. I know that sounds really vain and horrible, and I'm ashamed to write it even now, but then again, if everyone and their uncle Ted is encouraged to proclaim their beauty to the world, why should I not be allowed to as well? Anyway, so even if Austin isn't playing some kind of middle-school-type prank, he's probably too focused on what I look like to be interested in who I am at all. That's how it always is, and it's never going to change until I get uglier, and then maybe people will listen to what I have to say. Really, I can talk about literally anything, and the universal response (from guys anyway) will be along the lines of, "that's cute sweetheart, but let me see your tits." (I never let them, of course) I guess I'm exaggerating a little, because guys whom I'm just friends with will usually think of me as a person, but I was talking about guys in the romantic sense, and those are two different things, and don't you forget it! I simply can't believe anyone would like me romantically in a purely respectful way, and no matter what Austin says, there's always a little doubt in the back of my mind that he means it. Oh, don't go thinking that I bring this sort of thing up to him, though! I would never do something so rude or whiny. This blog is my feelings dump, remember. It's so frustrating, too! I want to believe that he's different from the others, but I can't bring myself to do it, so whenever he says anything cute (which is fairly often), I try to say something noncommittal so that I won't look stupid later. But I can't stop my silly heart from bouncing around each time either! You see the problem here? Loving someone makes you weak, and I can't stand to be weak, but then there's a part of me that does want to give in to sentiment! Of course, though, as soon as he starts school, I'm pretty sure he'll find another, prettier, more suitable, girl and he'll forget me entirely. He is incredibly attractive, of course, and there'll be no end of people lining up to date him, and that'll be the end of that. So I guess I won't have to worry long, and I can be free to hit on everyone on campus with reckless abandon. But, see, I don't want to do that! I just want him! Oh man. That was the worst thing to say. I'm really getting it bad. This is the first time I've acted so atrociously, isn't it? I've never liked the guys I've dated even half as much. I feel like such a silly person. Why is this happening to me? Why couldn't I live my life in cold romantic detachment, as I had been doing? Maybe if I concentrate, I can stop this whole train wreck in its tracks (ayyy), and save my dignity.
Oh, he just texted me! What did he say? Here we go:
I'm guessing you went to sleep :P Well, yeah, the thing I was afraid to tell you was that I like telling everyone that you're my girlfriend. LOL. Ehh. Fireworks are going off, and I really wish you were my girlfriend right now. I miss you so much. :( Good night sleep tight don't let the bedbugs bite!
And silly me, when I read that, my first thought was, "But I want to be your girlfriend!" And then the other part of my mind took over and I realized my mistake. I'm so stupid (and that's something I thought I would never say again). I can't believe I'm having all these emotional problems.
I don't know, man! I don't want to trust in love, but he makes me so happy! And when he breaks it off in the fall when he starts school, what if I have a round of sadness and get distracted from my studies? I don't know what to do. Should I stay or should I go? I could manufacture a fight with him, and then I wouldn't have to put myself through the imminent shame coming my way, but I don't want to lose him, and anyway, I don't know if he would fight with me. I can be a complete jerk, and he texts back with the sweetest things and then I feel like an asshole and I have to remind myself that he's probably laughing at me behind my back with his buddies. But what if he's not? I would be almost as happy as I was in AP Lit if we could have a real relationship (and were closer, but you know). No, no, I can't be so gullible. Why should I fall for the oldest trick in the romantic manual? I have to be mature. I'm not some giggling schoolgirl anymore (actually, I suppose I technically am, oops), and I have to be ready to make my own way in the world. Even if that means forsaking romance forever.
Now, I don't want to be one of those horrible people who focuses on one thing only, and that thing is uninteresting to the world at large, but I'll probably revisit this theme in the future. It's so complicated, and there's so much more I want to say (that's another problem, I want to talk about him all the time, but I hate it when people do that, so I never ever bring him up), but it's late, and maybe I can sleep if I try, so I'll try to go to bed now. Goodnight!