Insecurity City

Classes start tomorrow, so today is my free day on campus. It's horrible. I haven't met anyone yet (I mean, I have, but I haven't adopted them as my new best friends yet or anything), and my roommate seems to be of the popular variety, so I'm all by myself. At least I have Austin and Francisco to keep me company (in a way). I just had my audition for choir. I really want to be in the Chorale more than anything else, because it's the university's chamber singers, but it's only open to sophomores and above (just like in high school), so that wasn't an option. My other choice was Symphonic Choir, because it's a mixed classical group and they sing with the orchestra and with the Chorale sometimes, but it didn't fit my schedule. So I had to audition for University Chorus, which is for non-music majors (which I am) and for people who are bad at music (which I'm not). My audition was so horrible! I haven't sung for a long time, because I mean I'm here, and so my voice is all nasty and crackly. That made me nervous, so I missed the fourth on the sightreading, and she made me do it again, and ugh, I've never missed anything on note reading before! She didn't go over rhythm, so I didn't have a chance to redeem myself, and when she did the listening, I missed the augmented fourth she played, and now I feel so ashamed of myself. I've never auditioned so badly for anything, not even when I was a dorky sixth-grader trying out for the high school orchestra. She put me in University Chorus as a first soprano, but I mean, how hard is it to get in there? Somehow I don't think it's very hard. I guess I'm glad to sing the part I'm used to, but she didn't really check my range, and I feel like she just put me there because I sound like Pikachu when I talk. I have a three-and-a-half octave range! Why does no one appreciate this fact? I feel like such a loser now, ugh. I might join the orchestra instead, although Symphony Orchestra doesn't fit my schedule, so I have to be in one of the non-audition groups, which, of course, won't be very good. So, is it better to be in a mediocre choir or a bad orchestra? I want to play violin here, but I don't want to be stuck playing Star Wars medleys and bowdlerized versions of Aaron Copeland pieces. Do you see my dilemma? Maybe I should be in the choir and take violin lessons. I've heard the teacher is decent. I wish I had more information about these ensembles! If I were in California, I would know easily, but this is such unknown territory, and there's no way to find out for sure which group is the best. Wait, okay, you know, Symphonic Choir used to fit my schedule, but they changed it, so do you think they could have changed Symphony Orchestra too? Maybe it's in the evenings now, or on Tuesday and Thursday instead of Monday, Wednesday, and Friday! Then I could audition for it, and expand my options (perhaps). The Mozart isn't really polished though. That's a problem. I could use the Raff, but I don't think it's the right choice, somehow. Oh dear, I feel so terrible and so overwhelmed and so flipping hungry, I think I'm going to go mug someone just to make myself feel better. There are plenty of people to pick from here.
Oh yeah! There are 7000 people in my class! I feel like I'm in a subsection of the city or something (I guess I am). We had to go to three orientations yesterday, and I got to fully appreciate the scale of the student body. I didn't appreciate the orientations, though, let me tell you. They were such a waste of time, and they were led by the most cursedly jolly and hearty people, and they made us do the wave, and they didn't tell us anything new. They did give us free lunch, though, which is good. I haven't eaten anything since then. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not hungry, because I'm so embarrassed to go out and try to find food for myself, but it's been more than a day, and pretty soon, I'm going to have to go for it. I wish I weren't so awkward! Why am I so awkward? I don't have to be scared of anyone (except rapists, of which 85% of people are, apparently, so maybe I should be scared), and no one is better than me, so I should just jump into the world with a big ole hearty grin and a back-slapping, gorge-raising, log-cabin attitude and lots of spunk! It's so hard though. Do you know what it's like to be so afraid of everyone that you walk the other way whenever you see anyone, even if it's out of your way? I hate it. Why can't I be a normal individual? Most people aren't afraid of their fellow humans. You know, though, once I know someone, I'm fine; it's just the getting-to-know-him part that's so difficult. And I don't think people like me here. Although, I think that about everyone, so that might be just my imagination. But no, I think it's true. I try to smile at people and say hello as I pass, since that helps to prevent assaulters from assaulting you (because it's not as anonymous and now you can pick them out of a lineup and so on), but a lot of the time, people just give me a funny look and move on. Now, it could be that they are potential rapists and I have foiled their plan, but I'm more inclined to think they don't like me, and that makes it hard for me to want to approach anyone in a way that's not safety oriented. So I've been hiding in my dorm room a lot and talking to Austin and Francisco and Sonia and other people from back home and trying to stay out of the way of the world. It's bad, but I'm too afraid to do anything else. Why am I so pathetic? Oh my goodness. I need to do something. Maybe I should take to drink.
That's a sad block of text right there, yes it is. If anyone read it, he would try to put me in counseling or something. Actually, they do offer free counseling here. Maybe I should go. What do I say though? It's not like I have anxiety or depression or anything that would give me a reasonable reason to be there. Nah trick, I ain't goin to no counseling! I've driven off four psychologists before and I've no faith in the business whatsoever (at least as it applies to me). Oh my goodness, I'm so hungry! I shouldn't be, though. I had coffee this morning. Maybe I can wait until tomorrow when classes start and there will be general chaos and people won't judge me as much. I hope I don't faint or anything. That would be really embarrassing. Oh no, my metabolism is going to get all slow! When I was into starving myself before, it got so I couldn't digest anything, and I actually gained weight instead of losing it, and it was terrible. Nowadays, my metabolism is fast again, and I eat like a longshoreman and still weigh 98 pounds, but with this silliness of mine, I'm going to become unhealthy again! I am going to cry. No, wait, I actually might. What on earth am I going to do?
Oh goodness. I had to go to the bathroom, so I went out in the hall (the bathroom is a communal one, which fact I abhor), and there are about a million people out there! I got in okay, but then when I came out, there was a huge group of tall, scary, people around my door. So I tried to be unobtrusive, but they saw me, and I guess someone must have said something, but they all got quiet and were staring at me, and I was so scared, I couldn't do anything but give them all a nasty look and disappear inside my room. Then they all started laughing at my social ineptitude and going, "Ouch! Burn!" and stuff, and I'm going to live the rest of my life in here and never see the light of day again. I feel like crying oh my goodness, I hate the world. Why am I such a freak?
You know, I absolutely hate the general school of thought that pretty people have no problems in their lives. No, friends, that's wrong! Pretty people have more! If you look good, you're always going to stand out, so you can never disappear quietly into the background, especially if you hold yourself with confidence, which I do (but don't possess), and dress nicely (which I also do). So if you have to walk past a giant string of people, and you're afraid, you have to be 100 times more afraid, because they're going to notice you, and maybe say something, and maybe rape you, and if they do, everyone will say it's your fault because pretty people are always asking for it, right? And if you're pretty, no one will want to talk to you, either because they think you're stupid and stuck-up, or because they're of the mentality that everyone pretty belongs to "the man" and should be shunned with all the strength of their average-looking superiors (this is a very popular school of thought on tumblr and among most people my age). And if you're too shy to approach people to talk to them, you can only hope that people will talk to you, and no one will do that if you're pretty. They assume that you are popular already, and they don't have to bother, so you're stuck without anyone to whom you can turn. And of course, there's this idea that if you're pretty, you live a charmed life automatically, and that's something you can't debunk in a day, so it's just bad all around. Beautiful people are never happy, I'm sure of it. Helen of Troy may have launched a thousand ships, but I bet she never launched many friendships (ayy that was a play on words see what I did there swag). So, to keep your pride and keep from falling apart, you have to put on a snooty demeanor and be exactly the opposite of the person you really are, and it's all so horrible. I'm not complaining about being pretty, mind you, I'm complaining about its consequences, and there's a difference, but I'm sure this all makes me seem shallow and like a terrible person. There's such a double standard here– pretty people or people who are exceptional in any way are never allowed to be unhappy with how they look, or they're vapid and vain, but normal people can complain all they want about everything and it's fine. I feel like I'm in Atlas Shrugged or something.
I'm a horrible person. This is why no one likes me.
I need to take my mind off things. Let me tell you about Austin so I can distract myself. I'm sure you'd be glad to know about him too. But I'm going to put him in another entry so that this one can be purely emo mush. Otay? Otay.