I have to work on this knee-jerk assumption that people don’t actually like me whenever I run into the slightest inconvenience. Is it more likely that no one wants to hang out with me and are just accepting all my invitations with excitement for the sake of formality, or that I’ve fallen into the role of organizer, and no one else is as scientific and aggressive about it as I am, so it doesn’t happen unless I make it happen?

I also think I figured out what exactly I’m good at. To expand, I’ve wondered since childhood what my role in the family is, what my specialty is, what exactly I’m good for. It’s on this blog, even. My siblings have their specialties, and I was always the dumb, pretty one. Which is, of course, demoralizing. But I wonder if it took some pressure off, too. I didn’t have as many notions set on me as my siblings did, because I’m not that good at academic pursuits (humanities excluded), and I’m not good at sports or anything physical. And frankly, I’m kind of a pain in the ass when I’m mad. Anything my family tried just made me dig my heels in more, so that by the time I decided to leave the entire fucking country for my gay lover, there was nothing they could do. But I got off-topic. What I’m good for, my specialization, my purpose in the family? Talking to people.

That’s it. I have people skills and a high EQ and a friendly, extroverted personality. And I have a lot of friends. I can always find someone to help me if I have a problem, because they know I’d do the same for them. And for a long time, I didn’t see this as a talent because it was looked on in our family as a flaw. How many times did I hear to stop texting, or to work harder on my grades instead of my social life, or to be serious for once, or to stop fucking talking all the time? How many times was I mocked for being a Barbie?

It got me where I wanted, though. Minus Emily being with my physically, I’m on the road to everything I’ve been working for. A hot fiancée, a gorgeous apartment in my favorite city, an ethical and decent-paying job, a car that’s fun to drive, a large and loving social circle, hobbies that I’m genuinely working on, Spotify Premium, and honestly, a nice appearance. It’s what I want right now, and the wonderful thing is that even though others might think it’s shallow, it’s not, not to me. I know who I am now. And I’m never going to stop growing, and I won’t allow myself to be derailed anymore. I have to continue to heal and grow and work for this dream-turned-reality that I’ve made.