...

For some reason, I have no real close friends. I do not wish to sound self pitying, but it is the truth. All the people I used to be so close to and who I still eat lunch with every day are now kind of ignoring me. Not on purpose, of course, it's just that I'm so much an outsider into their little world that they would really rather not interact with me if they can help it. It's really not their fault. They're great people, and I love 'em to a state of vegetative consciousness, but it's just not really fun to be hanging around like a stupid idiot trying to fill gaps in a conversation that doesn't pertain to you in the least. Maybe I should read more. That certainly would help clue me in on at least half the topics covered. (The other half being movies) All I really wanna do is talk about normal girly things like guys and who said what about who, but noooooo, we have to have a half-hour long discourse on Harry Potter and how hot-or-not Hogwarts is! (What the heck is Hogwarts anyhow??? I sort of had the impression it was the wizard/witch academy, but now I'm not too sure.) The discussions would be longer, but we only get a half-hour for lunch. I dislike being left out. That is to say, I SEVERELY dislike being left out. Nowadays, Bonnie and I are the ones who talk the most, or else me and Allie, but she also likes to go wander around and talk to other people. I like to do that too, but it's dangerous, because while I do have people I can talk to over where she likes to go (and spy on her current crush!) I don't really know them well, so that I can never be sure wether I'll have fun or not. A lot of my other friends congregate there too, but I don't talk to them there. And I dislike being awkward soooo much that I'm scared to go over there now. DAMMIT! What's wrong with me?!?! What happened to the girl who didn't give a shit what happened to her? When did I turn into this awful person? And why? I think I'm even more messed up than when I didn't have a psychologist. (Or maybe not. I was pretty screwed up then too....) Ok, I admit it! I AM SCARED! Happy now?! I'm so scared! I'm terrified! I don't want to DIE! Not that it's really dying per say, but it's a social death. I don't want to be....
I don't even know what I don't want to be. I'm scared and I don't know what of! I can't calm down either! Everything seems so hopeless! It's like a dark tunnel. A reeeeeeaaaaaallly long dark tunnel. And then at the end? A funeral procession. Or a train. Or maybe even a drooling pervert with open arms and a massive erection. Whichever one you find most horrifying. But no matter what your doom is, it's still a doom! And I'M FUCKIN DOOMED WETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT!!! (And you sure as shit better believe I don't!)
I feel like such a loser no matter what I do. If I'm eating, I feel utterly disgusting. If I'm not eating, I feel slightly better, but also like a wannabe anorexic. When I'm doing anything fun, I feel like a failure, and when I'm doing anything useful, I feel like a nerd. So I can't fucking win! It's not fair. Why does life have to be like this? You just grow up expecting sunshine and rainbows (Ok maybe not the rainbows part, if you know what I mean) and instead you get heavy fog and acid rain with a pH of below zero. (That actually might be cool, though! The rain part, not the pH of below 0, that is) But you get my point! The only thing that's ever sure is that you'll die. And also that you'll have too many crappy days before that. So wouldn't it be better just to end it while you can instead of dragging out the unpleasantness longer? It's quicker. And more painless. And better for the world. Honestly, and let's not be deluded here and say that I'm wrong cause I KNOW I'm not, who wants an ugly fat girl? No one. And if that ugly fat girl has no talents and is bad at conceivably everything except maybe getting on people's nerves? Then REALLY just die already! I hate my life. I really do. Cutting isn't enough... I should end it.