Happy June! It's Pride Month, Babey! And what do you know, this month has been exceptionally gay. It's been wonderful. E came to visit, and we had such an amazing time. I didn't take my meds last night, and so have no energy to talk about all of it, but rest assured, it was wonderful. Now, I'm actually going to lie on my bed, because damn, my energy is Not Here. I feel strangely emo, too. It sucks. I really should make sure to take my meds!
Okay, I'll update this later!

I don't want to do anything. I need to eat, but I don't want to. Nothing seems good. And I need to exercise, but I don't want to do that, either. And then I have to go do some volunteer stuff for the clinic, and I have therapy at 2, but I don't want to do either of those. I've been having a hard time lately, especially with motivation. I don't know what's going on, but I've been so irritable, and I feel like I'm just pacing in circles, trying to make time go faster. I'm waiting for something to happen, but I also don't want anything to happen, because then I would have to get off my ass. It's very difficult. I think I'm going to drink broth. That's the only thing that sounds vaguely appetizing. I guess broth isn't the most nutritious thing in the world, but it's something. Besides, I need to lose weight, anyway. I'm overweight for my size (or at least I will be if I keep eating burgers and chicken all the time) (although I've sort of stopped doing that). I've even been eating brown rice lately. And I haven't been using quite as much butter, although of course, I still use it. But I'm still fat. How could my own body betray me like this!
Okay, I have bouillon broth now! It's basically salty, flavored water, but at least it will be something in my stomach. And I had an energy drink when I woke up, so this is like 2x what I usually eat during the morning. Can I get a hell yeah?
Surprisingly, I'm actually feeling a bit better now that I'm sipping this broth. It's weird how quickly that worked. I wonder if it's because it's warm? I heard somewhere (not from a credible source, though) that hot tea is good because the warmth makes us feel psychologically better. I don't know if that's true, but this does seem to be helping. And there are no chunks of things, so I don't have to chew anything. Which sounds silly, I know, but during my most depressed days, I would avoid eating anything that wasn't soft, because chewing was too hard. And it's so easy to make! I didn't have to cook anything! I like cooking, but again, it's very overwhelming sometimes, like right now.
What's really good is that my alcohol cravings have gone down. It was almost unbearable last night. I took some edibles, but I knew that they wouldn't work, so I don't know if that counts as anything. Probably, but whatever. I still didn't get high or drunk. I think it's really good that I managed to stay strong, although part of that was really circumstantial-- Mom would have given me a really hard time if I'd gone out and come back with a bottle of whiskey. But I guess I could have figured out a way anyway. I shouldn't diminish my accomplishments! I did manage to stay sober, even though it was really, really hard, and that's nothing to sneeze at! So, good job to me.
But, you know, I didn't go to an AA meeting, so I guess it's all nil, right?
I think I'll get another energy drink on my way to work (volunteer). I feel so depleted, and I don't know how I'm supposed to get through this whole entire day without collapsing or going nonverbal, and I honestly don't think 2.75 is too much to spend for a little bit of serotonin. Energy drinks really do keep me going, and I don't think there's any shame in that.
E's grandmother, the person she's closest to in this world, is dying, and I don't know what to do. I've never experienced a loss like that, and I don't want to make everything worse, but I feel like I probably will somehow. It's so awful, and nothing I do or say can make things any better. I just want to be there for her. I want to take her soup, and cuddle her, and take her to nice places, and just be a strong force to lean on. I could do it! Yeah, I'm struggling real bad, but I can still reach out to the people I love and be there for them. This is extremely selfish, but I'm wondering if E will be able to come and visit still. I mean, I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to anymore. This is a really hard time for her, and it wouldn't be easy to change continents for a week. But at the same time, I really hope she does come, because then I could offer love and support in person. I just want to take care of her during this time, and it would be much easier to do that if we were physically together. But I understand her not wanting to, also, so I just have to be patient.
I'm also stressed, because it seems like my friends are all doing badly, too. I'm a limited resource, and I can't be there for everyone all the time, but I want to be, and I don't know what to do to help anyone. I'm so privileged, and yet I'm just sitting on my ass and not doing anything to make this world better. It's really bad! But then, I'm also super selfish, so I like to take time for myself, like a few minutes or hours at a time (depending on crisis) just to ignore messages and do things I like.
And then there's what's happening in the world. It seems to get worse every day, and I don't know how to keep on keeping on. It's overwhelming. I like news, and I like politics and being informed, but I can't keep reading this horrible things and expect to be okay.
Still, I really don't have anything to complain about. I have to stay strong and stoic and not whine, because that's Bad. And I'm not going to crack this time. I'll be fine.

I got really high last night, and now I'm high again, and I have no idea who I am, so I'm going to fill out this OC character sheet for writers that I found on the Internet, and we'll see what kind of character I am! I'm going to do it in third person, too, because that feels Cool. 
--

Character Chart

Character’s full name: Maria [REDACTED]

Reason or meaning of name: Hmmm...

Character’s nickname: Sunny

Reason for nickname: I just really like the sun!

Birth date: January 8th, 1995

Physical appearance

Age: 24

How old does he/she appear: 19

Weight: ~130 lbs

Height: 5’’1

Body build: Curvy

Shape of face: Heart-shaped

Eye color: Brown/hazel

Glasses or contacts: No

Skin tone: Fair

Distinguishing marks: Freckles!

Predominant features: Long hair, bangs, big titties

Hair color: Brown

Type of hair: Straight; lower-back length

Hairstyle: Loose

Voice: High and clear (quote)

Overall attractiveness: 8 (quote)

Physical disabilities: None

Usual fashion of dress: High femme; lots of pink, lace, dresses, heels, and makeup

Favorite outfit: Black skater skirt, gray top, black heels

Jewelry or accessories: Locket from E, gold ring, princess ring, cubic zirconium ring, band ring

Personality

Good personality traits: Kind, funny, opinionated

Bad personality traits: Impatient, impulsive, weak, prideful

Mood character is most often in: Forced cheerfulness

Sense of humor: Dry or bizarre, no in between

Character’s greatest joy in life: Relationships with others

Character’s greatest fear: Failure

Why? It seems to be all they've ever known

What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil? If all the grad schools they applied to either rescinded their offers, or rejected them, or if Talia decided she didn't like them anymore

Character is most at ease when: They're surrounded by trusted friends or family

Most ill at ease when: They're in a situation in which they feel they don't show to their best advantage

Enraged when: Someone tries to oppress the downtrodden

Depressed or sad when: They have a tendency towards this all the time, but especially when they feel rejected, or when outside events are bad

Priorities: Building and maintaining relationships; material success; having fun; learning as much as possible; making the world a better place

Life philosophy: Do no harm, but take no shit

If granted one wish, it would be: If it could be any wish, they would wish for the end of capitalism, financial equity for all, universal healthcare, universal food and shelter, and the end of planned obsolescence (this counts as one wish). If it has to be personal, then to be thirty, well-employed with a doctorate in a field they love, happily married with a kid, with a good social circle, a greater cause, and a clean house.

Why? The capitalism thing, because they're a decent human being. The other thing, because they crave normalcy. It's all they ever wanted.

Character’s soft spot: Passionate people, funny people, shy people-- just, humanity in all of its greatness

Is this soft spot obvious to others? Probably highly

Greatest strength: Compassion

Greatest vulnerability or weakness: Underdeveloped sense of self

Biggest regret: Not seeking help for their mental illnesses earlier

Minor regret: Not working harder to save some relationships

Biggest accomplishment: Graduating from UCLA, and honestly? Not dying.

Minor accomplishment: Finding a good network of supportive people.

Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: Getting kicked out of the University of Georgia for being a liability

Why? It feels like they had everything going for them, and they threw it away for no reason.

Character’s darkest secret: Sometimes, they still want to die

Does anyone else know? No, and they would prefer to keep it that way

Goals

Drives and motivations: Love, mostly

Immediate goals: To graduate from school and get a job

Long term goals: To get married and start a family (whether that looks like kids or cats or whatever)

How the character plans to accomplish these goals: They're going to England, which will help with the school part, and the relationship part

How other characters will be affected: Their friends and family in the US will miss them, but they will gain new friends in the UK. Their relationship with their girlfriend will (hopefully) also improve. Most of their relationships will be tested, as they will need to work hard to maintain them.

Past

Hometown: Two parts-- the first is a tiny small town "in the middle of nowhere" in the Midwest. Sunny and their family were the only "ethnic" people in town, and it was lonely and drab. However, they don't remember that much. The second half of their childhood and adolescence was spent in a privileged, fairly sleepy little town, where the most exciting thing to do was go to Barnes and Noble on the weekend.

Type of childhood: They don't remember most of it. However, they were abused and neglected by their parents, and may have some repressed early childhood trauma as well. They also had many interests and hobbies, and spent most of their time playing elaborate games with their siblings, reading, or playing music.

Pets: Their family always had guinea pigs.

First memory: Experimenting to see how far they could push a cup to the edge of the table without it falling.

Most important childhood memory: Reading Little Women and realizing what kind of person they wanted to be for the rest of their life

Why: The characters were so kind, and even though their lives sucked, they loved each other so much, and set their best faces against the world. It was beautiful.

Childhood hero: Their mom

Dream job: Princess

Education: Currently a Masters student in Psycholinguistics; previously studied Linguistics and Cognitive Science at UCLA

Religion: The whole family grew up very fundamentalist Christian, with rather strict and damaging worldviews imposed.

Finances: Comfortable middle-class family.

Present

Current location: In their hometown.

Currently living with: Their mother and younger brother.

Pets: None

Religion: They have issues with organized religion, however they're spiritual now.

Occupation: Grad student

Finances: Their upper-middle class mother is supporting them, but they have very little money of their own. This is a point of great shame for them.

Family

Mother: Wonderful, but neglectful when Sunny was growing up. However, she's now making up for it by being codependent.

Relationship with her: Good, if sometimes overly involved

Father: Abusive and weird

Relationship with him: Estranged and distant; on cordial terms, but not much more

Siblings: One neurotic older brother, a wise and healthy younger sister, and an alarmingly balanced younger brother

Relationship with them: Pleasant and affectionate with the brothers; deeply loving and supportive with the sister

Spouse: No, but they have a serious girlfriend

Relationship with him/her: Amazing in every conceivable way

Children: None, but they want some

Relationship with them: N/A

Other important family members: One grandmother who's fairly involved in their life, but with whom they don't have a strong personal relationship. They're also trying to establish a relationship with their uncle.

Favorites

Color: Pink

Least favorite color: None

Music: Classic rock, indie stuff, classical, alt-pop, Broadway

Food: Spicy/salty things, and strongly-flavored food in general, but their favorite is sushi.

Literature: Pretentious "high literature" type books or pulp romance fan fiction.

Form of entertainment: News, social media, articles, writing, and then reading what they wrote

Expressions: Puns all day

Mode of transportation: A stick-shift car, and they like to go as fast as possible.

Most prized possession: Their phone!

Habits

Hobbies: Writing, cooking, music

Plays a musical instrument? Violin and viola, and they sing

Plays a sport? Absolutely not

How he/she would spend a rainy day: Ideally, they would have friends come over, and everyone would cuddle up together and spend the day just being happy in each other's presence.

Spending habits: Impulsive. They'll buy things and regret it. Aside from this, though, they're very thrifty.

Smokes: Occasionally

Drinks: Also occasionally. They're a recovering alcoholic, and have to be careful.

Other drugs: Marijuana

What does he/she do too much of? Lying around in a depressed funk

What does he/she do too little of? Exercising

Extremely skilled at: Coming up with hymn arrangements for family performances and knowing all the old hymns/carols

Extremely unskilled at: Dancing

Nervous tics: Playing with their hair

Usual body posture: Very good. Once, their middle school friend told them that it was weird.

Mannerisms: Giggling, playing with their hair, random bursts of affection

Peculiarities: They're afraid of fire; they like bugs; they're extremely mentally ill, but they try to fight past that and be optimistic anyway; they talk to themself all the time; they have a horrible sense of direction

Traits

Optimist or pessimist? Optimist

Introvert or extrovert? Extrovert

Daredevil or cautious? They're somewhat of both

Logical or emotional? Again, somewhat of both

Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? They're neat in the things they can control, but they were raised in unhealthily bad chaos, and sometimes that takes over.

Prefers working or relaxing? Working on something.

Confident or unsure of himself/herself? They appear confident, but they're actually very insecure.

Animal lover? Sort of. They like people more, and some animals scare them (like dogs).

Self-perception

How he/she feels about himself/herself: They hate themself and have all their life, but they're trying to work on falling in love with themself, and it's hard work, but they know it's worth it

One word the character would use to describe self: Bubbly

One paragraph description of how the character would describe self: I'm a tiny ball of sunshine, and I'm so full of love that I can't even contain it sometimes. However, I'm also weak, temperamental, impatient, prideful, and probably very annoying in large doses, and I'm quieter than I would wish. I love angels, and I get compared to one often, and I have a weird obsession with the 19th-century novel Les Misérables. My favorite food is sushi, and I run through lip balm in such high quantities that it's practically alarming. I'm also a nonbinary lesbian, and I love my girlfriend very, very much!

What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? Their resilience

What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? Their selfishness (or what they perceive to be selfishness)

What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? Their tits

What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? Their stomach holy shit they hate their stomach

How does the character think others perceive him/her: As a dumb blonde valley girl with a heart of gold

What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: Their laziness

Relationships with others

Opinion of other people in general: They try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. They love people, and think they're super great.

Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? Yes, almost constantly

Person character most hates: Probably some politician

Best friend(s): Natalie, an eccentric artist with the worst luck in the history of the world who nonetheless remains cheerful and kind.

Love interest(s): E, a beautiful, loving English girl with a talent for writing and a heart as big as the Atlantic Ocean.

Person character goes to for advice: Their sister, Talia

Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: Their little brother, Anselm

Person character feels shy or awkward around: People whom they think might look down on them

Person character openly admires: Talia

Person character secretly admires: They admire everyone pretty openly

Most important person in character’s life before story starts: This is not actually a question I can answer

After story starts: Neither is this

It's May! The more I think about it, the weirder the name is. Why is it May? What May happen? I'm repeating it over and over in my head, and it sounds so weird, and now I'm doubting that there actually is a month called May. There is, right? I'm not just May-king this up? Ah yes, well. I suppose any month sounds funny if you say it enough times. Like March. That's another verb. It could also be an imperative. March! Where are we marching? The future! At any rate, it's nice that it's May, because one, E's birthday is in May, and two, it's the month right next to June, and you know what happens in June, don't you? Oh yes! Barricade day (the day the historical events in Les Misérables took place)! No, just kidding. But actually, E will be here on that day. We should cosplay together and flex on all the people on the internet. I always did think she would be a good Eponine, and as we all know, I'm Cosette and a half, so we could be the wlw couple that Victor Hugo was too much of a chicken to write. I mean, I would rather cosplay as Enjolras, but I'm not blond. (I was thinking of getting blonde highlights, though-- like a balayage, maybe) (except that's expensive and I'm poor) Anyway! All this is to say that things are Exciting!
I think I should legit stop drinking on my own entirely. Like, I'm careful, and I do it in small amounts, and only when I'm not experiencing cravings, but this morning, I feel sort of down, and I think it's because I drank a glass of whiskey last night. It could also be because I'm on my period, but I think it's the alcohol. As seemingly every health professional loves to condescendingly explain to me, alcohol is a depressant, and will make my pre-existing depression worse, and so it seems a bit weird that I would drink it, now, doesn't it? Yeah, man. Why did I do that? It's sort of funny, when you think about it. I really did just go in there and gulp down a nice heavy glass of depression, didn't I? Boy oh boy! I need to get myself together.
(I'm not going to stop drinking or smoking at parties, though, so let's just get that out there)
Should I drink an energy drink? I already had half of a grande Starbucks from yesterday (Mom bought me a white mocha), but I sort of want more zip and verve. But I only have two energy drinks. Still, I could probably go to the store today, so I guess that's not really a problem after all. Is this more of my hoarding tendency? But also, should I stop drinking energy drinks? They really help to control my urges to drink, and they make me feel really nice, and they help me get stuff done, but I guess they're a bit of a dollar-sink. Mom doesn't really love the fact that I drink them. She thinks they're unhealthy and expensive, which I guess they are, but they have such a good effect on me. Back when I was suicidal, having caffeine helped prevent me from doing anything stupid. So yeah, I think I'm going to drink a got damb energy drink. Monster or Red Bull? Hmm... the Monster is cold, but the Red Bull is more delicious. This is a question indeed.
Okay, I went with the Monster. I feel better already. Ahh...
You know what's really interesting? I truly, actually, genuinely want to stay alive now. Like, it's not even an ambivalence. It's an actual desire to live. It's strange, because I'm not used to this. At my best, I've had moments or even hours where life seemed desirable, or had times when death seemed mildly unpleasant, but it's never been like "oh damn I wanna live, not die." But now it is. I actually do want to stay alive, and I want to live my life to the fullest extent. And I believe that I can! There's nothing stopping me. Somehow, I've been granted the chance to fix things, and I'm damn well going to do it. It feels like it's going to be really hard, but that's okay. I wouldn't expect it to be easy. I did kind of make a giant mess for awhile there. But it's okay. I'm going to fix it.
I guess I'm already fixing it, really; I'm going to therapy, and taking my medication, and journaling, and not smoking or drinking (much), and exercising a bit, and eating healthy, and trying not to avoid things so much. In fact, in the name of not avoiding things, I just texted Blossom and Buttercup, asking to Skype! I was putting it off, because I hadn't replied to their messages for about a month, so I was too embarrassed to message them. But now I did! I really do miss them. I hope they're free soon. I feel somewhat that I'm rearranging my brain. I've had this picture in my head of a huge mess of cables and wires-- you know when you go into a really messy IT den and you have to watch yourself, because if you take a single step you'll trip on cables and empty Mountain Dew bottles? That's how I picture my brain looking. The synapses can't fire quite as well because it's a wreck in there, and it's dark and depressing and not a nice place to be. So I'm coming along with a toolkit, cleaning supplies, and a trashcan, ready to clean the place up. And it's slowly working. I'm rearranging the cables, putting things in order, opening the windows, polishing the floor, making it a nicer place to be. It's slow work, and sometimes things get worse before they get better, like when you repaint the living room and get Glossy White Number 3 all over your couch, but at the end of the day, I'm working to improve myself, and that's what matters.
Someone called me from Georgia, and by the time I got up the gumption to answer it, I had missed the call. Now I'm scared. What if they towed my car? What if someone broke into my apartment and stole my books? What if someone wants me to move back there and be a Southern belle? I don't know. Well, if it's important, they'll leave a message or call back.
I have to leave for therapy in a little more than half an hour, and I don't know what I'm going to talk about. I have to think about this. Last time, there was an awkward silence, and one doesn't want that. I do like my therapist, though. He sees right through me. It's sort of alarming sometimes, especially when he says things that are so spot-on that I'm half-afraid he's reading my mind, but it's good, and I feel like I'm in good hands. So, what should I talk about with him? Man, I really don't know. I can't think of anything that's super pressing right now. I've been in crisis for so long that now that the issue on the table isn't keeping me from dying, I don't know what to work on. I'm not good, but I'm decent, and it seems like that ought to be enough. Except, I don't think it works that way. Cece told me a really good analogy: say you work out a lot and you get a really nice butt. You have to maintain it; you can't just rest on your laurels and eat donuts. It's the same with mental health. Once you get to a good place, you have to do the hard work to keep yourself there. But since I don't really know how to do that, it's kind of a challenge. Oh, maybe that's what I should ask my therapist about. How do I maintain this? That's a good question. We'll deal with that.
Okay, I should go get ready. I have no idea what I want to wear, so this could take awhile. I'll write more later! (maybe)

I feel unusual today. I didn't sleep well, which may have something to do with it, but I'm bored and antsy, and simultaneously don't want to do anything at all. I want to go to bed and pull the covers up and just lie there, but I also feel like I can't sit still. I don't much like it. Maybe it's because I don't really have anything to do. I finished my applications, and I finished a letter for an independent contractor job, and my job at Xander's music school doesn't really require any outside work, so I have nothing that I'm supposed to be doing. I could cuddle in bed with all my blankets and pillows and watch Netflix, or I could crochet, or read, or write a story or essay, or do anything at all, really, but it all seems so unappealing. I want excitement, and vivacity, and free, untempered life, but all I have is a headache. I should drink some water.
It's like, I just want time to pass. I feel like I'm just wasting away, trying to while away the hours until something more interesting comes up. But nothing has, so far, or at least it hasn't for the past few days. I feel like Rapunzel in the tower, except the tower... is actually society.... damn......
Foucault would have loved me.
I took my car (I say my car, but it's really shared between me and my mom) to the garage today, because Mom thought it was making a funny noise in reverse gear. But the mechanics took one look at it and told me that there was nothing wrong with it, and I went slinking home in shame. I'm relieved, but also a little embarrassed. I always am, somehow, when I go to the garage. I know only enough about cars to make myself look like a dumbass, and boy, I always do. But at least I'm polite about it. I want to learn more, though! Maybe I should ask Xander to teach me some stuff. He did a huge major repair on his car that apparently is difficult and might make the engine explode if it's not done right, and I'm very impressed. I want to be a grease monkey, too! I think it's really cool. I do like this sort of stuff, even though I'm not a huge fan of the car grease getting everywhere. Also, I want to be one of those Hardware Store Lesbians who can build houses and fix plumbing and do all that sort of useful stuff. I think it's my destiny. Maybe then E will keep me around-- isn't it always nice to have a handyman on the premises?
Speaking of E, it's only about a month until she gets here! She's coming for a whole week, and I couldn't be more excited. We're going to spend the first four days together, just us, and then we're going to Vegas with Talia, Anselm, and Natalie (maybe Xander, too, but he'll probably be working). I was going to invite some more friends, because I honestly don't mind cramming all into one room together, or I could even split the cost to get another room (I ain't footin the whole thing, though), but E is a little introverted, and I don't think she would like it if I invited random people whom she doesn't know. Everyone wants to meet her, though. I'm trying to think of a way to make that happen while still making sure she has a good time. Maybe on Friday-- we're coming back to my mom's place so we can go and watch Anselm's high school graduation (!!) and we could go out for coffee with friends or something. I'm really excited to show her my hometown, actually. It's not very impressive, but it's mine, and it feels like she's really becoming integrated into my life this way. I mean, she's going to watch Anselm's graduation! That feels major. And she's going to meet my whole immediate family, oh goodness. Oh goodness. I guess that means she's going to meet Dad. Um, let's just say yikes together on three? He's going to say something really embarrassing, I know he will. But I have warned her, so hopefully she won't break up with me when he says some offensive statement about Brexit or something. And it's okay, because she'll also get to meet Mom and Xander and Talia and Anselm, and they'll sort of balance things out. It seems like so long to wait, but I know it will go by before I know it.
Now, what should we do in LA, though, that's the question. We'll be there for about three days (two-and-a-half days, really), and there's so much to do, so I don't know how we'll manage to pack it all in. I guess I'll just have a list of options ready, and she can pick whatever she wants to do. I have a google doc, actually, full of links and ideas and information, and I'm thinking it can be like our little pocket resource. Also, I've already shared it with her, so she can contribute, too. I sort of want to take her to UCLA so she can see where I went to school, but I don't know if she would be down for that. We could visit Kitty, even (although she'll be working, so maybe not). I don't know what we'll end up doing, but whatever it is, I'm sure we'll have fun. Or at least, I'll have fun. I hope she does. Whatever happens, though, it'll be an Experience to remember.
I got this super bad urge to drink this morning. Insomnia always triggers a sort of feral response in me, where I go absolutely batshit insane and drink massive quantities of alcohol that should really not be consumed at such high volumes. And I actually have a bottle of nice bourbon, because I treated myself the other day (I stopped at one glass, though, don't worry), so it would have been really easy for me to go for it. But I didn't. I journaled about it instead. And I think that's some really good progress. I mean, damn, it was a really strong urge. I had to bundle myself up in the blankets and physically turn my face away so I wouldn't see the drawer where I keep it. Sunny, you say. Shouldn't you just pour it down the drain? And yes. That would be the sensible thing to do.  But I don't want to waste it. I paid money for it, man. And besides, if I can keep on resisting temptation like this, it'll really increase my mental fortitude, and it'll help my recovery. So it's actually a good thing that I have this alcohol. It's like when people keep portraits of their mortal enemies in their houses so they can be reminded to have strength. It's definitely not AA-sanctioned, but I don't particularly care what the AAssholes have to say. It's my life, not theirs. Besides, my tenth step (in my own twelve steps that I wrote) says that we must determine the relationship we can have with alcohol on our own. I can't just take someone else's story and try to make my life match it; it doesn't work that way. I have to explore and figure things out on my own, because recovery is very personal, and really does work on a case-by-case basis. Some things work for most people, some don't, but I need to be able to make these decisions for myself.
Why do I even want to drink, though? I mean, besides the fact that it's fun and whiskey is delicious? I don't think it's that simple. For me, drinking isn't just some fun game that I can take or leave; it's something I have to watch with care. I might be in recovery, but I still have an addict's brain. And right now, that brain is telling me that recovery isn't worth it, and that everything will be better if I just take that one drink (which will of course turn into a whole bottle, which will turn into hundreds of dollars worth of puke and strained relationships). But the thing is, my addict brain is a little silly, and doesn't have all the facts. He can only think about feeding his addiction, and not about the consequences. He doesn't realize that my life would be much better if alcohol wasn't a huge factor in it, and that there are other things to worry about than getting my next drink. But I realize it. And I'm not going to let him run my life anymore.
(I don't know why my addict brain is a man, but I feel that he is. This is nsfw, but my vagina is a man, too.)
I do wonder why this is creeping up, though. Maybe it's because I stopped smoking weed. I like weed, but I was starting to like it a little too much, so I decided to take a break. And now I'm all out of sorts, and I can't sleep well, and I haven't made any good insights, which is all good proof that I was starting to get addicted and needed to stop. But anyway, I think I had started to replace alcohol with marijuana, and now that I don't have either, it's like a scramble trying to think of other ways to ruin my life. Is it going to be the eating disorder? (yes-- I'm eating only twice a day now, and in small portions) The self-harm? (not yet, but it may be coming) Honestly, my dude, why do I have to be self-destructive, though? What's wrong with just living life in a healthy way? I think I'm scared. My entire adult life-- and really, most of my adolescence, too-- was spent in total misery. It's all I know. So I guess the thought of being healthy and happy and in recovery is just too bizarre for me to comprehend, and my damn addict brain is trying to sabotage me because he can't face a future without the comfortable darkness. Like, fuck off, man. I'm trying to get myself together.
I have to keep asking myself what my goals are, and how what I'm doing is fitting into them. And I guess it's a little hard, because at this point, I'm not sure what my goals even are. Yes, I want to move to England and get a job and complete the Masters program at whatever school I decide to go to, and then I want to get my doctorate at USC, UCLA, or Stanford, but it feels so nebulous. What if I do decide to get a psychology MA, and then I decide that I want to go into counseling or something? I would be good at it, I mean several people have told me so, and I think I would enjoy it and be able to help a lot of people, but is it what I truly want? I don't know. I don't even know if I truly want to be a professor anymore, either. I do, but I also feel that it may not be my true calling. However, since I have no clue what my true calling even is, I guess it's okay to work for that for now.
You know, though, I'm starting to see that there's more to adult life than work. I can be happy even if I don't choose that perfect career. Even if I don't do something in linguistics, I can still research and study on the side, and integrate that into my life.
Okay, I'm back. I went for a walk, and stopped at that cute little cafe on the way back and got a cheeseburger and fries, which is of course, not very healthy, but it sure was delicious. I haven't been eating properly for a few days, so it was really nice to just get some good nutrition. It's fine, I'll make something healthy for dinner, but I also don't think it's bad to just eat something big once in awhile. It doesn't have to be hummus and carrot sticks all the time (though that's also delicious). What's the point of getting healthy if you can't have cheat days?
I watched this episode of Queer Eye (which is my new favorite show, by the way) where Antoni, the cooking master, told the guy they were all making over that anything tastes good if you put enough butter in it, and that it's easy to take the lazy way out, but if you can cook something healthy and yummy, that's even better. And man, I dunno, it really inspired me, like yes, I do use a lot of butter, I cook like a Southern dude, and yes, my gumbo is really good because I use bacon fat to make the roux, but I could just as easily use margarine (ew though). Okay, there has to be a balance, though, because objectively speaking, most margarine tastes bad. Maybe I could use olive or avocado oil instead. Anyway, I got a little off-track. I really like Queer Eye, because it's such a hopeful show. The guys meet their subjects where they are, and don't do anything that would be antithetical to their lifestyle. They just help everyone find the best versions of themselves, and I think it's really lovely. I wish they would come make me over. I think I would disappoint all of them except maybe the fashion master (and I would probably disappoint him, too, because I still wear the clothes I wore in college, and now that I'm a Real Adult, I should probably get a new wardrobe). But it would be worth it, because then I could live a better life (and maybe get verified on Instagram). You know what, though? I can be my own Fab Five. I can be a cooking master, I can be a fashion master, I can actually take care of my skin and hair. I might have trouble with the "design" bit, and I don't know what Karamo, the culture master, would do with me, but I can figure that out, too. I'm queer, I have eyes-- let's do this.
You know what? I'm still hungry. What the hell. I'm going to go drink water.
Okay I'm back. You know what's always been really an issue for me? How much food I eat. I'm a small guy (like, objectively speaking), but I used to eat like a power-lifter. But I realized, probably about a week ago, that growing up (and up until college, probably), I was always hungry. We were guaranteed dinner, and that's literally it. So it makes sense that I always ate as much as I could when it was available, because I really didn't know when my next meal or snack was going to be. Actually, I've never been into snacks, and part of that is the ED and part of that is because I just never had access to any. But some people just eat whenever they're hungry! Isn't that weird? It's probably not a surprise that I have issues with food now. I mean, I love food, and I love cooking and reading recipes and making Pinterest boards, and all that, but it's always had a sense of the forbidden. So it makes perfect sense that I grew up with a case of restrictive (and occasionally purging) anorexia. Oh man. If I have a kid, I have to make sure they grow up healthy and happy, with three meals a day and snacks if they want them, and I have to be able to cook good, nutritious food so that they, and my wife and I, will be able to stay healthy and strong.
Actually, there's a lot of things I need to do for my future child. It's a little alarming, because I was rather abused growing up (I have only now started to accept this), and I don't want to make the same mistakes that my parents did. But I guess I don't have to. The first step is recognizing that I faced these problems, and then the second step is determining not to put anyone else through that, and then I guess the third step is actually doing my best to give my child the happiest, most healthy life that I can. Which means I'm going to put their health first. I always thought I would be a tiger mom, but I'm starting to think that's not me. Instead, I'm going to foster an environment of care, where my kid can talk freely about their mental health, and can take days off if needed (I'm going to say one per quarter, maybe), and talk to me and their (other) mom about anything. And I'm going to tell them I love them, and I'm going to hug them, and I'm going to dress them in nice clothes that are appropriate and actually fit, and I'm not going to make them sleep in the same bed as me, and I'm especially not going to make them take off their clothes to sleep, like seriously, what the fuck is that? And I'm going to do everything I can to give them the life that I never had.
I'm not sure if I can actually have a kid, though. E doesn't want any, and I would never want to force her into something that she doesn't want, especially when it involves an innocent human life. I have no doubt that she would be an amazing mother, but I want that to be her choice, not mine. And if she decides that she never wants kids, that's okay. I'll take care of my siblings' kids. I do sort of hope she changes her mind, though, because I'm kind of growing attached to the idea of being a mom. It's really weird, because I thought I would never want to, and in fact, I never even wanted to get married,  but now everything is changing. I definitely want to get married, and I'm starting to think about baby names in my spare time, and like? What happened? I really am a completely different person now than I was at eighteen. Which is a good thing, but it's also bizarre. I never knew I could change so much. It's a positive thought. I hope that I'm completely different at thirty than I am now.