I am the night

Good morning Baltimore!
I mean, it technically is morning, so that's okay, and correct. I guess I'm not really in Baltimore though. Maybe I'm there metaphorically. Do you think Baltimore could be a state of mind? I'm not really sure what goes down there, though. I know there's a sports team. They are Orioles. So perhaps my mind is taking wing and my heart is singing. How poetic! I really got it goin on.
La la. Music makes me happy. I downloaded an entire AC/DC album, and I'm very pleased with it. It's Back in Black; who wouldn't be pleased with it? But man, rock makes me feel like the value of the US debt! I want to go out and dance in the moonlight and offend every single passerby with my inelegant moves. I might get my scholarship revoked, and I might get booted back to California, and I might be taken to prison for the color of my hair, but in the end, I will have expressed my soul, so like Edna Pontellier, I will have reached the pinnacle of life. Wow, I'm really weird. This is why I have no friends.
I went to the library today (again). Actually, I went twice. I think it's a magic place in there, because time goes by in the blink in the eye, and next thing you know, you're late to class! This happened to me twice, incidentally, ever since I discovered the language and literature floor yesterday. The first time, I was reading a book on Rococo literature, and I got so distracted by the distinction between the age of Fragonard and the age of not-Fragonard that I didn't realize how much time had gone by, and I was late to Linguistics and had to sit between two huge dudes in the back who completely obscured my view. Then, the second time, which was right before Logic and Formal Reasoning (I'ma just call it Logic for convenience, okay?) this afternoon, I found a shelf full of Moliére, and sat me down to partake. I was halfway through The Misanthrope when I realized I had six minutes to get to class, and I had to go clear across the large central expanse generally called the Oval here. So I booked it, and I actually got there earlier than the other linguistics major in the class. Maybe being good at language makes you bad at directions. They were still discussing the homework, which to the best of my knowledge, I did very well on, so that was all cool. But maybe I should stop going to the literature floor between classes. Actually, I should probably avoid the politics and philosophy floor too, if I really want to be on the safe side. I found the philosophy today, and it's really my Nietzsche; I'm so excited I just Kant contain my joy! Those were funny, what are you talking about? No, but really, I was reading Nietzsche, and it was fun, and I only got out on time because Austin reminded me. You know the silly boy called me this morning to say good morning and make sure I was awake, even though it was 5:30 there? He's a doofus. It was so lovely to wake up to his voice though. Bleh, I'm such a sentimentalist. Gotta think about other stuff, like medical maryjoowanna. That's not sentimental, right?
I love my Logic class! It's my favorite, I think. I feel so rejuvenated when I leave, and I never have trouble paying attention while I'm in there. It's so interesting, and it expands my mind, I think! We're only studying the very beginning, so I don't comprehend the full scope or difficulty yet, but it's like calculus mixed with linguistics, so I don't have to trip up on algebra, but I can use the left side of my brain and do the whole math class workout that is always so stimulating for humanities people like me. Now, I really don't want to sound like a jerk, or pretentious or anything, but I really feel like I'm doing okay in the class. I understand the concepts before the professor is done explaining them, usually, and if I get stuck on something, it's something everyone else is stuck on, so I can still grasp it without trouble, because the professor goes back and explains it more thoroughly. And I don't want to sound conceited, and I feel like I probably will, but the other people in my class aren't as quick on the draw as I thought they'd be. I mean, they're all upperclassmen except for me and these two other guys, and they seem smart, but they show remarkably little ability to grasp the ideas. One guy, in particular, sits in front of the class, and asks the silliest questions, in quite a rude manner, by the way, and it's frankly surprising that he's so lost. I mean, it's not like it's really difficult stuff yet! The other freshman in the class (well one of the two), Bryan, is incredibly cute too. He has nice blond hair and pretty blue eyes and a cute dorky smile, and he's so smart! I often think we're the only two who get the stuff immediately, and he takes the same kind of notes as I do, and with the same kind of ink pen! We sit next to each other in class (or we have been so far), and it makes me happy to see him every day. It's meant to be, it's love, what can you do. Sorry Austin, I've found my new man.
I'm so kidding it's not even funny. I've never seen anyone yet who could compare to my babe, and I don't even want to. What's wrong with me? Ughgghghg. Anyway! He's my babe! Do you know that song? Well, it's She's My Babe, really, but let us appropriate it, shall we? I love it. It's by AC/DC, but it's unreleased. And yeah, that's the way the wind blows.
I should really go to bed. I keep hearing all these weird noises, and they may be our refrigerator, and they may be our fan, and they may be Melissa making noisome motions in her sleep, but it's best not to take chances, am I right? I am. So I will go to bed and be safe under my comforter, which I can use now, because the weather has undergone a dramatic change, and is bearable for the first time since I've been here. I actually wore a sweater yesterday, and I felt like such a student. That's what students wear, right? Today was warmer, but it wasn't humid, and every strand of hair on my head rejoiced with the voice of gladness. And now it's chilly. So I'm happy about this turn of affairs, really! Okay, time to get me some sleep! Goodnight!

It's Labor Day

My appearances on here are so erratic, bless my soul. It's not good for the documentation of my fascinating life, and now the masses will never know of the wonder of my time spent on this mortal frame. I mean in this mortal frame. Exactly. Anyway, my roommate's mom came over yesterday, and I didn't want to be in the way, so I left and wandered all over campus (i.e went to the library) but when I came back, they were gone, so I had the room to myself all night. So I went on Skype and talked to Austin until four in the morning. I make good life choices, what are you talking about? So then I got up this afternoon morning, and Melissa still wasn't back. I was just about ready to have a happy lonely day, but then she and her mom walked in, and they stayed for three hours. It was a terribly awkward time for me. I went on Facebook and I went on Tumblr, and I texted my baby, and I drank my Starbucks, and I acted like an annoying California stereotype, and I still couldn't dispel the awkward feelings. Man, looking back on that time now, I'm still not sure how I survived. There are times in a person's life when it just all goes to pieces, and all you can do is hold on to hope. Really, I should be a writer or something; that was just prose-entable on all levels! What was I saying before I went all Stephen Crane though? Oh yes. So now Melissa and Mrs. Melissa are gone, and I have the place to myself again. I need to do laundry, but that's such a pain. Bleh. I'm not good at these sorts of things, and everyone else is, and then I feel ashamed of my erudite ineptitude. I'm like one of those flaky professors who knows about the differences in the pre-Hellenic periods (which I do, incidentally), but who is incapable of boiling water by herself. Maybe I will learn someday. I could take a class on it. I'm sure they have them here, like Living 101 or How to Not Die 1172. It could go toward my Arts and Culture GE because surviving is an art nowadays. Speaking of which (kind of) (well, not really), Austin is quite the little housewife. It's adorable. He taught me how to do my laundry, and he knows all these helpful and practical things, like cooking, and fixing stuff, and not dying, and all those useful little tricks of the trade. Apparently, he does all the shopping and cleaning and laundry and cooking and stuff in his house, and he has been for years. He says that if we get married, he'll take care of me, and I'll get the more fun job of bringing home the bacon and wearing three-piece suits and making important calls on my earpiece, and I think it's just so darling! Cause it's not what you would expect when you look at him, you know? He looks like a member of a Korean boy band, like I mean he literally looks like one, and he's all popular and sexy and all that, but then there are so many plot twists to his personality! He's really a nerd, and he's extremely good at Yugioh, and he's as afraid of people as I am, and he's really like me! Well, sort of. He's more stereotypically girly than I am, though. Which is really saying something. In the morning, I roll out of bed, grab the first outfit I see, brush my hair and my teeth, and go, and it takes me about five minutes. He has to shower, put on toner (and goodness knows what else), straighten his hair, put on different products, fix his hair, pick out a coordinated outfit, and who knows what all, and it takes him forever to get ready when he wants to go somewhere. I don't love bugs or anything, but I'm not scared of them, and I'm okay with fishing spiders out of the shower and putting them outside. He's scared of them, however, and hates seeing them in his house, no matter if they're ants, wasps, daddy-long-legs, or whatever. He listens to kpop, Adele, and all that sort of thing, and is always stressing about either getting fat or getting too skinny, and he has pretty decorations and air fresheners in his immaculately clean car. His blog, as I've probably already mentioned, looks like the stereotypical Forever 21-wearing, concert-going, Starbucks-drinking white LA girl's, and basically, yeah, he's really girly. And it's so cute. ♥ If we got married and had kids, they would probably be rugged, macho, beer-swilling, tree-cutting, badass individuals in sheer rebellion against their parents. Which is okay, I mean, as long as they keep up their grades and don't get into any really bad trouble, I don't care. I don't want kids though, so that's kind of a moot point. Actually I think he does though, because he keeps talking about it, like, why are you doing this Austin, we're 18, we're supposed to be partying and reading Nietzche and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon and not giving a single bother about anything but ourselves, and definitely not planning our weddings. But you know I like him anyway.
Oh dear, I gushed again. Darn it! I am like Ottone in Poppea; I keep coming back to the same place. Hopefully that place won't end in eternal banishment, though.
I've started downloading music into my iTunes now. I lost it all when I switched to Daisy Bell, because I couldn't figure out how to transfer the files from one computer to the other (did someone say flaky professor again), and since I pirated all my music in the first place, I couldn't use the iTunes store to get it back. So now I have to download everything again. It's quite the daunting task. But at the same time, it's fun. I get to make everything just the way I want it, and be organized this time around, since last time, I just put things everywhere and had no really good filing system. But now I have a specific place for my classical music, and for my embarrassing music, and for my other music, and it's all so nice and neat. And no one's using my computer except for me, so I can put anything I want in there without fear of shame and ridicule! It will be great! I still barely have anything in there, though.
Ugh, for some reason, my silly brain has connected I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing by Aerosmith to Austin, so every time I hear it (as I am right now; it came on shuffle), it makes me miss him, and it's like carrying the One Ring to Mordor, and ugh. I feel bad for the people around me, actually, cuz whenever Melissa is gone (which is frequently), I sing along with careless abandon to whatever song happens to be playing, unless it's an opera aria, but I fear I will get to that point soon as well. I hope Brianne and Kelly like AC/DC, because if not, I'ma be facing a hallway lawsuit sometime in the near future! That would be interesting, actually. We could hold court on the basketball court, and the RAs could be the jury, and the building director could be the judge. The plaintiffs could have their witnesses, and I could have mine (Austin over Skype, probably), and we could hire some attorneys from the law school, and it would be a good chance for me to practice my legal bearing without pressure! Well, I guess there would be some pressure, because if I lost, I would be kicked out of the building and have to live like some kind of Dickinsonian orphan on 12th Street, alone and miserable, without wifi or a place to charge my phone or anything to offer me succor in the cold nights of winter. Maybe the performing arts department could get some mileage out of me, but I feel like the situation would be less than ideal, even if I were immortalized in a object d' art forever.
Oops, Melissa is back. Time to go!
Okay, she's gone again. Now I can watch Supernatural and eat my food. I saved a few leftovers from yesterday, because I knew that since today was Labor Day, I wouldn't be able to buy much stuff (the stores around here that take my Buck ID are all so cursedly patriotic that they observe federal holidays, I mean what's up with that), and I think that's very clever. I am a college student and none can deny.
Okay, here I am. So now I have to take a shower, but I don't want to. I'm too lazy. And I absolutely hate taking showers here. There's black mold in there, I'm pretty sure, and it's only a matter of time before some curious soul decides to pull back the flimsy curtain and is greeted by the dubious pleasure of my butt bouncing to and fro to the beat of whichever classic rock song I've decided to perform that night. So I always try to shower when there's no one in there, but the problem is that there always seems to be someone in there. I've gone in at about 11:30 (which it is now) and I've gone in at almost 2, but no matter what, there is an intrepid bathroom-goer in there with me, brushing her hair, teeth, mustache, ego, or whatever strikes her fancy at the present time. I don't know what to do about it. Maybe I will get used to it someday, but today is not that day.
So, what do you say we watch another episode of Supernatural, huh? Well, no, actually, I can't, because Netflix is bugging out, and it's very annoying. I don't know what I'm going to do. How will I live without my shows? Well, show. I don't really have time for anything but the one. I tried to watch Sherlock, and I liked it, but the episodes are so long that I have to watch them in several sittings, and circumstances always got in my way. Although, I usually watch about three episodes of Supernatural in a row, and that's longer than one episode of Sherlock would be, so maybe I should give it another whirl. Only if Netflix gets its act together though.
I have a Linguistics quiz tomorrow. I already know the stuff, but I really should study a bit just to be sure I have it down pat. And then I have to do my laundry. I've been meaning to all weekend, but somehow, I've never gotten around to it. And that's pretty bad, actually, cuz I'm running out of panties, and what am I going to do without that vital staple in my wardrobe? Maybe I could fashion makeshift diapers out of paper towels and safety pins, but I feel like that would be about as stable as Napoleon's Russian empire, and could lead to potential embarrassment for me and for all the innocent nerds in my classes. So perchance I really should do my laundry. I think that would be a brilliant idea. But it's so late now, would it be really so bad to wait until tomorrow and then have the daylight to depend on? Actually, no, I think it would be smarter, really, because no one does his laundry on weekdays; everyone waits until the weekend. So if I go down there at about 6 tomorrow, I should be able to find a washing machine that isn't located two feet over my head like it was last time! That would be an improvement, and I could get the best possible outcome with the given set of circumstances! Now I'm thinking like a mathematician. This will help me in my logic class. Good job, Jasmine, you definitely got a head on your shoulders!
I feel like there's something vital I've forgotten to do, but I can't think of what it is. I suppose it may just be the general feeling of academic unease that so plagues AP students of every generation and tribe, but then again, it may be something worse, and I've no way to know for sure. Actually, wait, yes I have. I can check on the school website. I'm so smart! I should have gotten a bigger scholarship, yessirree, Ohio sure got a prize when they picked me! Okay, let's see here. Nope, I don't have anything new here! I'm good! I guess I do just have the Honors Malaise after all! I used the word "malaise" on my prose style essay on the Lit national exam, and I used it slightly wrong. Ugh. Didn't preclude me from getting a wonderful score anyway though, holla! So I suppose that's all right, really. It kind of irks me though. I hate using words wrong.
Oops, Melissa's back again. Bye now!

I love the library

Good afternoon! It's a lovely day, and I'm sitting here in the library texting my baby and typing on here because I am a lonely Kevin and I have no friends! Whee! Isn't life grand?
Really though, this library is beautiful. It's the nicest library I've ever been in, and I've been in a lot. There are four floors, and each one is stuffed with books and decorated with different languages' alphabets on the floor (there's music too) and built with really lovely postmodern architecture. Well, I guess it's a little modern too. There's a Nike of Samothrace reproduction in the study room, and an exhibit of different books and maps and things downstairs, and did I mention the wonderful collection of books? I went to the top floor, to the history and politics section, and I stayed there reading and reveling until I was almost late for my next class. There's also a very sizable Linguistics section, and I might visit there tomorrow, if I'm not distracted by something else first. I love it so much! So now I'm here in one of the study areas (ish), because my roommate decided to invite a bunch of people over to our dorm and I couldn't face staying in there with them. I came here about an hour ago, thinking I could do my homework and study and be busy at least until dinnertime, but I'm all done with everything I brought with me (I don't want to go all the way back to the dorm to get my political science stuff), and I'm stuck here for the conceivable future, unless I want to go back and hang out with Brittni and Lindsi and Halli and whomever else darling Melissa has taken it into her head to call upon. And I don't want to do that, obviously. SO here I am!
You know, some people here are really flippin' rude. I mean, really impolite. Castiglione would have his work cut out for him. I don't know if it's something in the water, or maybe the air from the cornfields, that makes folks want to act like boorish apes, but it shore is happening, and at my expense! I feel like Hester Prynne. Okay, so I'm wearing my pink lace dress today, which is kind of short, but not too bad, and a bit low-cut, but again, not too bad, and admittedly very tight, like Jessica Rabbit's dress, but I've seen worse on many a hipster in LA. It's really cute, and it makes me feel more confident, which is something necessary in this air that kills, do you not agree? But all the girls I pass have been casting the evil eye and giving me downwards glances (quite blatantly too, I do declare), which isn't surprising, since they are all taller than I, but which feels somewhat demeaning. I would understand if I looked gross in this dress, but (and I don't want to be gauche here) I really don't! My stomach is completely flat; there's no pudge at all, and my bust looks amazing too, and I know it's a really bright color, but I can wear bright colors and get away with it. So there's really no call for them all to be judging me so harshly. One particularly irrepressible harpy even looked at me, clapped her hand over her mouth, and walked away snickering, and had I brought Daisy Bell with me, I would have started to work on my transfer applications right then and there. I know it seems cool and clever and stick-it-to-the-man to look down on pretty people, but believe me when I say sincerely that it's really not. I can't speak for everyone, but I feel like I can't be the only person trying to stave off a complete breakdown through a verisimilitude to beauty. If that's all you have going for you, well then, of course you want to play it up, even if it makes you stand out more, because that's all there is between surviving and crumbling. I don't think I'm expressing myself very well, and even if I were, if someone were to read it, he would immediately castigate me as being stupid, vain, misguided, shallow, or any one of the pretty bits of denigration that so adorn the idiolects of practically everyone in this deluded generation. So it's probably not good to talk about this stuff. And man, it sure does bring down the tone of this piece here! I always end up being depressing, and it's the most annoying thing. I used to be able to handle myself better.  Get it together, Jasmine!
As a disclaimer, let me just stress that not everyone here is rude. Some people (particularly the guys) are very nice. I've met some lovely people in my classes, and on Sunday I went to the common room to play cards with some of my hallmates (2/3 of whom were guys, but you know), and that was a fun time for me. I constantly have to ask directions to different places, because there hasn't been a single day yet where I haven't gotten lost at least twice, and if I take care to ask guys, I can always get helpful and kind answers to my (numerous) queries. I get hit on a lot too, but that's not as beneficial. So, yup! Not everyone here is an evil troll! Just mostly everyone!
I'm really hungry. I want to get food, but if I get food now, it won't be sensible, cuz it'll be another five or six hours until I go to bed, and then I'll be hungry again. So I think it's better to eat later, like I'm used to. Or something. I dunno. Also, I wouldn't have anywhere to eat, because Melissa is still partying it up, and I couldn't possibly go back to the dorm and eat in front of all them people. But anyway, I got a system here, and don't you dispute it! So, in the morning, I go to Starbucks or the Espress-OH cafe (what a clever name, don't you agree?) and get coffee or whatever, and then that's my breakfast, because I'm okay with drinking stuff in public. And then at about 9:00 when the commotion is dying down, I go out and buy dinner and take it back to my dorm and eat it while I'm studying (Melissa is never there, so it's okay). And then I go to bed! It's a convenient system, the only problem being that I get all hungry in the middle of the day. But no system is perfect! Just look at the metric system! I mean, no, the standard one. The metric system is pretty swag.
I miss Austin, man! He's my bby, and I like him lots. It's dumb, but I've sort of convinced myself that he's serious about liking me (although for the life of me I can't figure out why). Oh no, I sound like a horrible prick! Okay, don't worry, I'm not entirely convinced that he likes me, and I know he's going to stop soon, and I definitely don't accept it as my due or anything. I still feel like it's an entirely plausible explanation that he just wants him some Jasmine booty (though he doesn't seem like that kind of person, the darling) and all this sweet-talk is about as sincere as the facade on a neoclassical French building, but I'm such a gullible and inexperienced dimwit when it comes to this sort of thing that it's hard to maintain a stony indifference. Now, okay, of course I'm not inexperienced when it comes to love, but sincere love, that's a different story. I think Roger liked me, but of course that worked out to a tragedy, and Francisco, of course, liked (likes?) me inside and out, but other than those two, I think there's no one else who hasn't just wanted the DD (zing!). So, you'll forgive me, or at least understand where I'm coming from, if I'm a little bit skeptical here! I like Austin so much, and I want to stay with him, but if all he wants is my ass, I'm going to have to get rid of him, and uggh I don't want to, but that's the way the world works. I really don't want to go through the whole at-least-someone-finds-me-attractive bit again, and I don't want to place my bets with someone who only keeps me around because he finds me attractive. I know this sounds horrible and all, and if you're a real person reading this you probably hate me, but tell me, why is self-respect so demonized that I can't even be allowed this much pride? UGH. Everything is so difficult.
I really am a brat. "Oh no," whines Jasmine, "Countless boys think I'm pretty! Whatever shall I do?" Well, I'll tell you what you should do, Jazzy. You should man up and be a woman! Let's go! Oh, baby wants to Skype. Okeydokey! Man, I'm such a loser.

Love, I guess

It's more than a feeling when I hear that old song they used to play... Man, okay, this is pretty dumb, but nowadays, I've been getting all emotional over songs. Like, that one, and I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing by Aerosmith, and man, I think I'm turning into a sentimentalist. I'm one of those horrible people who thinks about nothing and says nothing, but everything at the same time (oops, that sounded deeply meaningful, and all I meant was that those people prattle on about boring topics all the livelong day). Not to say that Austin is nothing, because he's definitely something to me. Ew, there I go again. Gross. Maybe I should have a way of gauging my potential eye-glaze factor. I mean, you see, I don't think I'm boring, because everything I say is fascinating to me, otherwise I wouldn't be saying it, but I'm sure it's quite an earful of vapidity to everyone else. Therefore, if for any reason you are a real person reading this, and not Jasmine, I would advise you to step away now, because this next bit is going to be a doozy.
I'm such a sentimentalist. I never knew it, because I've never been before. I mean, not really. I suppose I am a bit on occasion, but now I've become this horrible annoying person, and I feel so strange about it. Like, I talk about love and all that good stuff on here so often, and it's got to be a bad habit, I think. And I actually sometimes respond now when Austin tells me cute things! I keep telling myself not to, because each thing I say will be more embarrassment later, but it comes spilling out anyway. I don't know, I think most people have that, where there's so much emotional fluff inside that it has to come out at some point, and when it does, it's truly dreadful to everyone but those directly concerned. I know I say some dreadful things. I can't think of an example offhand, but I'm sure there is one. Then again, I'm not exactly sure I want to think of one, because my own saccharine mentality does a good bit to mortify the flesh and soul as well. It's so bad. You know, I don't even have the desire to flirt with guys anymore, no matter how hot they are. The other day, some fine lookin' dude was giving me the one-over, and all I could think was, "You're not Austin, get over yourself." Then I couldn't believe I'd thought that, but that doesn't change the fact that I did. You know, guys are just horribly annoying now (the ones who try to hit on me, that is, not guys in general; I don't practice misandry). I had to Skype with Tim yesterday, and he was trying his best to chat me up, but I didn't even feel flattered or anything. Is that bad? All my life, even if I thought a guy was annoying, I'd been just a little tickled that someone actually thought I was worth noticing, even just for a superficial purpose. Of course, the other part of me was annoyed and all that, but the fact still remains. And now– what? Have I turned into the cold and heartless person I was meant to be? Or am I so besotted with Austin that any other guys just seems irritating in comparison? Neither of those options sound very good, to be honest. I don't want know what to think anymore. Why can I not be one of those people who is so sure about everything? Everyone I know, or seemingly everyone, knows his or her own situation to perfection and is always sure about these matters. Who else but me would be unsure if someone liked her, at this point in the game? It's so sad! I want to believe it so much, but I just can't quite. This all makes me feel so stupid! Why does it have to be this way? Maybe I should just retreat into a turtle shell and never talk to him again. That would solve the problem, right? Or maybe I should try to stop liking him (because you know I do). Then when the inevitable crash came, I would be securely on the shores of nonchalant disregard, and all would be well with my soul. I don't want to give him up though! Even if it's going to bring problems, this current state of affairs makes me so happy! But that's not good either. UGH. I wish I were good at all this sort of thing!
I'm really insecure. Man. That must be such a turn-off to everyone.
But, okay, this is going to sound so stupid to me in the future. But maybe he might really and truly like me? I can't believe it either (as I made quite clear), but before you start thinking I'm a person who assumes everyone is in love with her, let me think this out in a logical and thoughtful way. So. You see, he put his profile picture on Facebook as one of us together. I don't know, I feel like if he were trying to play some sort of prank on me, he would be more private about it, you know? Like, he wouldn't want to set himself up for the possible embarrassment of having people misjudge his little joke vis-a-vis me. So that might be a good sign, right? I looked through all his profile pictures, though, because I'm a creep, and none of them were with the girls he's dated, so that might be a bad sign after all. Like, maybe he will claim it's some massive and hilarious joke and everyone who doesn't get it is just not in the know. So I'm not sure there. Let's see, what else. So, his tumblr is full of references to what I think might be me, but then again, I'm horribly conceited, and I might just be imagining things, as I said before. But at least, okay, he posted one (completely hideous, may I add) picture of me saying, "we're on a date thing, how adorable is she?" from when we went out one time, and one with a (better, but still not wildly attractive) picture, with a caption saying, "goodbye :'(" so at least I know for sure those were about me. Right? I mean, he wouldn't use a picture of me to talk about someone else, would he? And then he makes posts that seem oddly specific to my situation. Then other ones are just general cutesy love things. Actually, his blog is really, really, girly. If it's not love or cheesy quotes or corny songs, it's pictures of sunsets and snowflakes and pretty flowers, and I'm pretty sure there are some fluffy little animals in there too. In contrast, mine has political stuff, economic stuff, Supernatural and other dorky fan stuff, literature references, a mixture of puns and lame jokes, and stuff that no one but me would find funny. But where was I? Oh yes. So, if he's going to put stuff like this on his blog, which isn't something most people see, and is really a pretty personal thing, maybe he really does mean it! I don't know, man, I don't know. I just really want him to like me! Is that sad and lame? It is, I know. I'm sad and lame. But what can you say to a woman in love?
Ugh, you know I got it reeal bad. He makes me smile whenever I think of him (and it looks pretty silly when I'm striding across campus with a big ole grin on my face), and so many things he does make my pore heart flop around like a salmon on a leash. I feel like such a silly person, actually, because he can say or do the simplest thing, and I'll be tremendously affected. And there are things about him that seem so insignificant, but which are so completely endearing to me, and then I feel like one of those white people in the Nicholas Sparks books, and then I'm ashamed of myself. Bleh. I think I could potentially be one of those white people, actually, although I hope I'm not, because they always seem to die prematurely. But, yeah! That's my story right there! Problematic and silly and quite embarrassing when disaster strikes! I wish so much that I could be the Rozencrantz to his Guildenstern, and not lose him when he goes to school too, but that's too much to hope for, I mean, really now. I guess I'll accept these happy days until they end, and then I'll get Tim, or Jesse, or whoever, to comfort me in my despair and loneliness. I'm sure he will be happy to oblige.

Why am I here?

Good evening! I'm here to discuss my life with you. I'm sure that's a welcome subject, right?
Of course it is. You love me.
Well, now! I'm feeling positively cheerful now! After threats from Mom and pleas from Austin and admonitions from Francisco, I finally forced myself to go out and buy food for myself! I had to look pretty hard to find a place that didn't have many people in it, but finally I found a little cafe that sold Chinese and Korean food. That's what I'm used to, of course, so in I went and got some chicken and dumplings and stuff, and I took it back to my room and ate the whole blame box. I kept telling myself to save some for tomorrow, but it went so fast. Actually, no, I did save some dumplings in the refrigerator. But, yeah! I'm a fatty and I have no self control! Which is, in the grand scheme of things, a good thing, because maybe now I can set myself on the road to health again. I think my ribs were starting to pop out. I feel really proud, too; I just conquered fear and started in on my rehabilitation to normalcy, and man, it shouldn't feel like such a victory, but it is. Whee!
Speaking of Francisco (well, I mean, I mentioned him), he's been such a prop to my old age and a helpmeet to my helplessness and all that good stuff. He Skypes me when I'm lonely, and he texts me every day, and he tries to make me feel better and give me advice. He was trying to tell me how to cook so I won't die of starvation (with varying degrees of success), and he's even nice to Austin (I accidentally set them talking to each other on Skype, did I mention that?). I just really appreciate him, I mean, he's such a good friend to have. It's so nice to feel like he's got my back here and all.
Ew, that was mushy. I'm really a sentimentalist at heart.
Now it's time to annoy you all by talking about Austin! Aren't you happy I decided to come on here tonight? I really am a treasure. Now. It occurred to me that my booboo comprises most of the ideals on which I decided when I was younger than I am now. So, to prove the point, I will faithfully reproduce and comment on an ancient script, lovingly archived from Thursday, July 23 2009:

❤ Hot  Gurl, let me tell you...

❤ Tall (taller than me at least) I go up a little past his shoulder. Aww.

❤ Wisecracker Yup.

❤ Not a dumbass (yet he should have just a bit of stupidity about him...) I think that describes him perfectly. The bb.

❤ Popular ★ (yet not a ladies' man) Exactly right.

❤ Somewhat athletic He works out a lot and once I saw him with his shirt off and fjkefjhfjh oh my.

❤ Somewhat musical He sings like a mountain stream and his guitar playing is lovely too.

❤ SDA Okay, no, he's Catholic. But you know.

❤ Nice (he shouldn't be all mushy, just not a total meanie either) Well, he's only a little mushy.

❤ Not be afraid to show his soft side (Not that he ever should! Not a girly man!) Okay, well, he's a bit of a girly man. Like, he spends more time on his hair than I do. And he takes care not to chip his nails. And he has a whole bathroom of products I don't even know. But I mean. 

❤ Loyal to his homies (and of course me!) He and his bros are tighter than bananas.

❤ Not a horrible dresser He dresses like Dean Winchester in prep school and it makes my heart sing like a wind in a tree every time I see him.

❤ Likes me the way I are He tells me often that I'm "perfect" and "an inspiration to him."

❤ Confident (not cocky though...) Well, he's not some kind of Damon Wildeve or anything, but he has enough confidence to make him quite attractive.

❤ Not completely unromantic (but not the sort of guy who would keep you up all night caterwauling at your window) jdkhljfhlesrjd

❤ Doesn't give me a bad feeling (He doesn't make me want to get away!) Quite the opposite.

❤ Not interested in doing it If he was, he wouldn't tell me unless I was.

❤ Actually reads stuff (he doesn't have to pore over heavy tomes of War And Peace or The Day Mikhail Piolwska Tragically Died, but he should at least know the alphabet!) Well, I mean, he's not me, but he reads some stuff, and he writes down all the stuff I say I like, so his book list is full of stuff like The Brothers Karamazov and Atlas Shrugged and poetry.

❤ Not selfish He's such a sweetie, really. ♥

❤ Kind of like me We're alike in some ways, but different in others.

❤ Kind of unlike me Oh, there we go.

❤ Likes music (very important!) Shore does. 

❤ Doesn't cuss me out Wtf kind of boyfriend did I think I was going to get anyway? Of course he doesn't! 

❤ Likes to talk a lot He does. Other times we can sit in nice happy silence.

❤ Doesn't text or call every five minutes (read: not possessive) Hmm, well, he does text me a lot, but that's only because I want to talk to him. If I don't reply, he won't belabor it.

❤ A badass! (but he should be totally nice in his heart! *sigh*) I have a hard time picturing him as a badass, but I suppose he is good at League, so maybe that counts for something.

❤ Doesn't have horrible skin He uses toner, and his skin is almost as clear as mine.

❤ Smart He got 100% on the AP Chem final, so I mean.

❤ Independent Free as an eagle in the sky. But like still attached to his family and all.

❤ Not interested in mean whacked out conspiracy theories (but he should think all the rest are funny) Oh my goodness, these criteria, I don't know... But yes, as a matter of fact, he thinks the more ridiculous conspiracies are vastly amusing.

❤ Interesting I think so.

❤ Someone I can spill my guts to (i.e a true friend. Swoon!) I can. And I do. Sorry, Austin.

❤ Not fat I'm tellin ya he got the body!

❤ Polite/respectful (but I ain't takin' no dick on a stick either! Ya hear?) Always (to me at least) (not to his silly and mannish friends, but they're all guys and are rude to each other, so that's okay)

❤ Doesn't have a name like Ethelbert or Lars Come on now.

❤ Doesn't have glasses Well, he does, but he wears contacts because he thinks his glasses make him look like a nerd. Just so you know, he still looks hot in them. But whatever.

❤ Mixed race (like meeeeeee!) No, sorry! But he does speak Tagalog. Unf.

❤ Likes animals He is a dog whisperer, apparently.

KYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

So, yes, that's my love story. He really is quite a catch. I JUST WISH I COULD BE SURE HE REALLY LIKED ME! I think I'll text Chris (Kitty's potential beau). He and Austin are good friends, and maybe I can get all the scoop. You know, I really like Chris. He's so relaxing. A lot of the time, I can't be sure if a guy wants to talk to me or to "talk" to me, but with him, it's clear– we're just friendly friends, because he's in love with Kitty, and it's just the best thing. It's like Daisy and Nick or Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood, or like, I dunno, something, but I mean, you don't even know. Anyway, I think I'll ask him what Austin was like when he was dating Jenna or Marie or Alexa, because then I can get a good answer (I can't ask Jenna because she doesn't like me, and I can't ask the other two, because I don't know them well, although that would be better). Yeah, that's what I'll do! Good on you, Jasmine. You got a head on your shoulders all right. 

Why am I so thirsty? I keep drinking water, and it doesn't do anything. Maybe I have diptheria. I probably caught it when I was wandering around in the different labs today between classes. The science buildings have nice bathrooms, see, and they're very interesting, and I wanted to look around. I went in the basement of the chemistry building, and it looked very dangerous indeed. I felt like the coolest of the cool down there and remembered fondly my own chemistry days. Then I went to the math building and went to my Logic and Formal Reasoning class and remembered fondly my calculus days, and it was just fun all around.

Oh yeah! Linguistics 2001, i.e Logic and Formal Reasoning, is so interesting! I really like it. There are a lot of people who are taking it to avoid taking the math GE, so I don't know if that's a good sign or not, but there is one other linguistics major in there, and the syllabus looks amazingly cool. There are 17 of us in there, but only three of us are freshmen. The other two are cute guys, yay. There are actually a lot of cute guys here. My opera class is full of them. Very aesthetic, I do appreciate it. These sentences are so short, what am I doing? I need to get some better syntax here or I will be up the creek without so much as a semicolon to keep me company in my paddle-less state.

Maybe teh colleeg will help with that.

Tomorrow I get to sleep in late, and I'm happy about that, but I should probably get to bed anyway. My poor roommate is trying to sleep, and I feel like someday she will get fed up with my antics and I will be alone in the world once again. So, off I go. Goodnight now!

More sad

I'm so hungry and miserable and cranky and I miss Austin and I want to go home and why is the world such a cruel place ugh
I sound like such a brat, what's wrong with me?
No, okay, you know what, I have a lot of stuff to worry about, okay? Like, you know, I have a license to complain, and you bet your butt I'm going to, especially on here, since no one will ever know and all will be secretive and well. I'm so hungry! Why am I so hungry? I have no self control. I had coffee this morning before I went to class, and then when I came back to my dorm, I thought it might make it easier to walk around and open doors and things if I had sugar, so I had that little packet of cookies they gave me at one of those horrific orientations (there were like ten little coin-sized pieces in there though, wtf man, is this marketing or something?) and now I'm hungry again! It's 7:30, so it's about dinner time, but there are a lot of people outside, and anyway it's raining (which is really wonderful and amazing, actually), so I feel like I would look even more ridiculous, traipsing along like a poor little orphan waif all by myself. I had a meeting with my mentor group, and they gave me these two cookies, and I can't stop staring at them. Ugh, I really do have no self control. If I don't eat them tonight, I won't have to buy food tomorrow, and it will be a real money saver. What's wrong with me anyway? I know my meal schedule is really unhealthy, but usually I should be able to handle it! I wish food weren't so expensive. I'm determined not to cost my poor mom any more money than she's already spent on me, but I didn't bring much cash with me, and my bank doesn't have a branch here, so once the money I have with me runs out, I'll be stuck. I have a meal plan, but it's really confusing, and I think I can only use it once per day. Or does it tap into the 150 dollars I have on my Buck ID (such a punny name)? If so, that's pretty bad news for me, because I've been using it to buy stuff at Starbucks. I think they're different, though. I want to cancel my meal plan, actually, because I can't bring myself to go to the cafeterias, and it'll be wasted if I don't. What is the matter with me? I can't, just absolutely, flat-out can't eat in public by myself; I can only drink stuff (hence my liquid diet). So I can go to the market and buy prepared foods, but they're really expensive, and if I did that often, I would only be able to eat like every other day or something. Why do humans need food? This is terrible. The fabled freshman fifteen is such a lie. I haven't weighed myself since I've been here, but I feel like I've lost like five pounds just from this unhealthy life I've been leading. I want to be able to have a normal life though! I can't live like this forever, can I? I went to dinner with my roommate and the girls across the hall yesterday (and it was ruinously expensive, let me tell you). Maybe I can do it again. No, they left. Man! I'm going to live my life with no friends and I'll be lonely forever and die of sadness at age 30 and never get to be rich and happy! And all because I was a loser in college! Well, I mean, all my life, really, but now is where it is the most visibly acute. Oh no, what if I pass out or something? I don't think I will, though. I feel so dizzy and weak all the time though, it's really distracting. I wonder if it will interfere with my classes.
Oh hang on. My roommate's out, so if I went and got takeout something, I could come back here and eat it alone and no one would be the wiser! Okeydokey! Let's do this! Go Jasmine go!

Intermedio

That was a really clever title, okay. I'm proud.
It's 11:48, and my next class is at 12:40, and I have no idea what I'm going to do for all this time in the interim of classlessness. Well, actually, in about 20 minutes I should start walking over so I won't be late as I was this morning. No, well, okay, I was technically five minutes early, but the professor had started already, and most of my classmates were already sitting in the room quietly and meekly reading the syllabus to themselves, so I felt really awkward marching in with my sunglasses and Starbucks (my breakfast) and making myself at home. But I did it. And it looks like a wonderful class, really. The music department is collaborating with the city's theater to put on Madama Butterfly, and the teacher wants us all to go see it. We also get to pick either Tosca or Eugene Onegin or The Nose, and I'm really excited. I think I might pick Eugene Onegin, since I would already be seeing a Puccini, but I don't know, man, I just don't know! I've never heard much Shostakovich either, and that might be fun to see! Tickets are like thirty bucks though. I can't afford to see them all. Actually, I can barely afford to see one. Why am I so poor? There was this one guy who sat across from me who looked like he thought he knew everything, replete with hipster glasses, neck beard, and abstinence from note-taking, and he looked at me with that pitying look that people do when they think that they are smarter than you and they wonder how you managed to get into the class. So, anyway, whenever the teacher would ask us if we knew about something in the background of the lesson, such as humanism or Arcadian literature, or Renaissance politics, or whatever, he would raise his hand, looking superior, and calmly and sweetly, so would I. Eventually he started to look like his world had been turned upside. It was very funny. So, I suppose the moral lesson of the day here is to not judge people whom you deem to be incompetent, even if they do have big obnoxious sunglasses and pink Hello Kitty stationery.
Oh, yes. We learned about intermedios, which are allegorical scenes between acts of plays, and the precursors to opera. I don't know if this post is an allegory or not, but it certainly is a break in the tragedy and drama of my day!
I have English next, and I'm so excited! I want to learn everything, man! I hope we don't need the book, though. I haven't bought it yet, because I wasn't sure if we needed it, and I didn't want to waste money. I guess I'll see. Maybe I can share with someone and become his new best friend. Wouldn't that be darling, now. We could walk around campus together, laughing at everyone, and telling lame jokes, and going to eat everywhere because we would feel no shame, and the world would explode into harmony and trilling sweetness and the clear tones of bells and beautiful poetic diction (I'm getting a foot up on it already). But maybe we won't need the book at all and then my plans would be ruined. Ah well. Maybe someday my prince will come and we can rule the Castile and Aragon of the heart together. Oh my goodness, that's such a good pick-up line. I should tell it to Austin next time he tries one on me.
You know, I'm actually a little worried about this all now. I'm looking forward to my classes, but what if I don't meet anyone I like, and I'm alone like I am now forever? I don't want to be alone! I want to find Hank and Francisco and Ellis Wyatt and Rangnar Danneskjöld and be a Dagny among compatriots! I don't want to find John Galt, though. No thanks. But yeah! What if I don't make friends with anyone and I have to go through my life with only the pale memories of friends I once had? I could maybe write an opera about it, but I don't think it would be very beneficial to my health and well-being overall. Actually, no, that's a really good idea. So, I think I'll make a reality TV show about my sad, lonely, life at college, and then people can laugh at my misery and give me good ratings, and I'll at least be able to afford tickets to the opera, even if I have to go there alone. It will be called Jasmine and No Friends, and it will be great. Will people get that, though? I mean, it's meant to be like Barney and Friends, but maybe it will be too opaque. But anyway, I think I have something here.
Okay, time for me to leave for English. Yay!