Happy December 1st!

I just downloaded the iPhone app for this, so now I can mobile blog to my heart's content. Which is excellent, because there are many times throughout the course of my life in which I wish to share a witty remark with the world at large, and now everyone can partake of my charming and hilarious banter at any time. Isn't it splendid? Yes it is! But do you know what's not splendid? Several of the good folks in my hall, including my roommate Sadie, have elected to hold a very noisy cocktail party right outside my door. I'm not studying, but if I were, dear me, I would be incensed. As it is, I merely feel rather ashamed to not be partaking in the glorious chatter and hilarity going on outside. At least Jiwon is with me to keep me company in my solitude here. Maybe I can persuade her to watch some Broadway musicals with me. Oh dear, oh dear, what's to be done? I feel like Heathcliff, and that's not at all pleasant! I would rather be Elizabeth Bennett. Shall I march myself on out to the hallway and join in the discussion with a hearty will? Maybe they would accept me fondly as one of their own. But no, I have a pressing obligation to finish watching The Two Towers, and I can't shirk my duty. Just call me Sam; I'm a paragon of responsibility. Besides, now I can fall asleep at an obscenely early hour, and all will be well. Goodnight now!

November rain

It's a lovely cold rainy day (or night, really), and I'm cozy and comfortable with some French indie pop, a bowl of hot dim sum, and a pair of voluminous pink flannel jammies with penguins on them. Really, what else could I ask for, besides a cup of tea and a nice book? I have here all the desires of man. Today was Sunday, but I only had to teach two students, so all is well on that front. The only thing worrying me is my class schedule for next quarter, because although I got into the honors seminar for one of my life sciences (one of only twenty spots holllaaaa), I'm not allowed to increase my max units until spring quarter. So I can only take 19, and since all my classes are 5 (for whatever reason), I can almost but not quite take four classes, and if that isn't the most blamed annoying facet of academic bureaucracy ever, I'll eat my hat! (I wonder if that idiom came from the pioneer days when people actually had to eat their hats?) So I can only take three classes now, and I know that's normal and all, and most people don't take more than that, but still, I want to! This throws off my plans a little bit. You see, I had it all planned out where I could take four classes every quarter and still be on top of things, but now I have to wait for one of my GEs. Oh yes, there was another problem with that too, you see, I tried to take a class that would fulfill both my writing and my historical analysis, but when I went to sign up, they wouldn't let me. Apparently, only freshmen can take that class. Well I never! Now I have to take them separately, because the only other class that fulfills both is from the Labor and the Workplace department. I don't even know what that is, but I can tell conclusively that I want nothing to do with it. Better to let the purveyors of that noble field labor on in their workplace undisturbed without having to contend with any uppity linguistics majors. And okay, although part of me is annoyed at having to take two classes instead of one, the other part of me is delighted to take two classes instead of one. I mean, that's double the stuff I can learn, and isn't that exciting? Maybe I should take philosophy. I've always wanted to. Or maybe an English class? English is my true love (one of them) after all. Oh my goodness me, there are so many options, and I'm absolutely filled with excitement! Once I get done with phonology, everything's going to fly right on by. Linguistics is amazing as a field, and it's indisputable that there are fascinating aspects to everything, but the fact remains that phonology and phonetics have a very weak appeal for me. Maybe it has to do with the strange sounds we have to make on a daily basis (do you know how hard it is to sound dignified while producing a pharyngeal fricative?) or maybe it's the all-too straightforward nature of the subjects (it could be a biochem course with the amount of memorization we do), but they just can't stir my soul like syntax does. There's just something about solving problems and proving them that gets my blood pumping, and it is so amazing. I don't think I've ever had that rush of adrenaline during phonetics yet this quarter (or rather I did once, but it was because of a connection I made on my own that may or may not be in fact fallacious). I'm super pumped to take Syntax II later (since I took Syntax I in Ohio). But also, I'm really excited to take semantics! Although I've never taken a course in it per se, I have taken Language and Formal Reasoning in Ohio, which is basically poor man's semantics, and I loved it so very much that I still hold my other linguistics classes to it as a standard. So I'm excited to take that this quarter, and Semantics II later. There's so much to look forward to!
Lately, I've fallen back into love with musicals. I mean, I've always loved them, but now I'm getting into them hardcore especially Rent. Yesterday, I stayed up fairly late looking up different versions of the songs sung by different singers to see who fits their character the best. I've come to the conclusion that Adam Pascal is the best Roger, but the jury's still out on Mimi. Rosario Dawson has a lovely voice, but Daphne Whatsit maybe fits her better? I can't decide! Oh man, but I'm loving this. Rent is such an amazing and perfect musical (okay, it's not perfect, but it's still lovelier than a packet of penguins), and La Boheme is such an amazing opera too, and just oh man, I am so in awe of it. If I could play Mimi in any production of it anywhere, I would be so happy. Or would I be better as Maureen? Really, I think I would, especially given Mimi's propensity for dancing, but I don't want to sing Over the Moon. Like, I get what they were trying to do with it, and the artistic part of me appreciates it, but the thought of singing makes me shudder. Okay, I admit it– there's not really a good part for me in Rent. Both my voice and my personality are wrong for it. Penny from Hairspray would be a perfect role for me (or maybe Shiloh from Repo the Genetic Opera if we want to get weird with it), like as much as I would love to be the sexy, sassy lead, everything about me screams soubrette, and that's okay! Really, that's the fun character to play anyway. And I'm sure there are pieces where people like me would be the lead! Just look at A Doll's House. I'm just waiting for the day when they make a musical version of that. I might spontaneously combust, but it will be a blaze of glory and joy if I do. Someone write to Jonathan Larson; this needs to be done immediately.
Remember when I said that TV shows are the literature of today? I still maintain that that's true. Literature is like matter– it can't be destroyed, it can only change form. Well, I guess it can be created, though. So that's not a good analogy. But then again, can it really? Pre-literate cultures often had very impressive oral traditions, and really, that's literature, isn't it? It's not written down, but it's still true to the spirit of the thing, if not the letter (that was a pun). So maybe it's true, literature is akin to matter. Anyway! I think there's a definite hierarchy in the world of shows, and an art to it, and a measure of connoisseur-ship, and analysis, and everything else that makes conventional literature what it is (and so wonderful), and it might be in a different media, but it's the same idea that's persisted through the ages. So if I sit around for five hours watching The X-Files, I'm actually participating in something quite cultural, and not wasting my time at all. Yeah. Oh yes, and I think movies also fit in here! Not all of them are enduring, or of literary merit, or even worth watching at all, but some are excellent masterpieces, and probably will be assigned to students in seventy-five years. Part of me doesn't like this shift away from conventional media, because I will always be a little bit of a Luddite, but another part of me is excited to see these changes. I'd like to think that I can embrace change in the world, and it's kind of irritating and all, but then again, it's also so thrilling! Look at where we're going; where will we be in fifty years? Who knows, not me! Right now, I'm feeling optimistic, so I'm only focusing on the good aspects of progress, and of the state of the current world (which is considerably harder). But there's good everywhere, we just have to look for it. How's that for a pithy little gem? Maybe I should think a little harder about going into psych. I would have a new bromide every day. Okay, on that cheerful note, I'm going to go make potatoes. Bye now!

I'm livid

I actually can't believe what's happening in Ferguson right now. Like, I feel physically ill. Why did I think the justice system would operate like it should? And how can people be so disgusting? This better be in history books in fifty years, and it better be an indictment of those horrible racist pieces of human garbage who valued a human life as nothing and let a murderer walk free. Right now, I'm so angry and upset and yes, I have white privilege, and no, I don't have to worry about this happening to me or to anyone in my family, but I am a human being, and I'm frankly outraged at this miscarriage of justice. Literally, I don't even understand. How could anyone look at a situation like this and not side with Mike Brown and his family? It's a bad time to be American today.

Uggggh this is the worst ever like all I want to do is sit on my bed and eat sweets and watch the Lord of the Rings, like is that too much to ask? Why must this be? If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Speaking of which, Sadie honey, I know it’s late and cold, but you seriously might want to think about showering, because they can probably smell you in Westwood. How am I supposed to sleep in here like this? And why on earth does everyone seem to hate fresh air? I really do try to keep the window open, man, I really do. I don’t think we’re in any danger of cat burglars or errant Claremont-era Spidermen, Besides, what do we have to steal? Probably a couple grand worth of textbooks, yeah, but I don’t think that’s on any master thief’s top ten. Although I guess one never knows. Good ol Lee the Libertarian did say something about someone breaking into somebody’s dorm and making away with all their study supplies (and this person was a linguistics major, so the loss of that exorbitant Intro to Ling brick must have been extraordinarily devastating). Hopefully that’s something that only happens in Ohio, but who can say? Maybe I should start sleeping with all my textbooks under my pillow.

I can’t believe I broke up with Ty. He seemed so stable. It’s too bad he turned out to be such a massive piss coordinator. Why is that always the case? Maybe I should date someone superficially rude and moody and they would turn out to be a being of pure sweetness and light underneath it all. Just like Mr. Darcy, except, you know, not. I don’t play that way. Sydney Carton is and will always be my goal. But man, how am I going to find someone like that? Life isn’t a Dickens novel (thank goodness), and unfortunately, I think the likelihood of me finding a perfect soulmate is just about equal to the likelihood of me finding the Shire. Whether it’s The One Ring or just simply The One, I’m up the creek without a dog in the gunfight either way. Which sounds rather gloomy, but come on, I’m an experienced woman– I’ve lived for almost two decades. Surely I know something about the world by now. (Also, I think that was a most beautifully mixed metaphor. I’m a veritable alchemist with language) What’s a poor girl to do? Maybe I should run away and live in a hermitage. If I did that, though, I wouldn’t get to take any more linguistics classes, and then where would I be? Oh no, that is just not an option. Well, I feel that I am dangerously close to an existential crisis, so I think on this happy note, I will retire to my bed (where I might have a crisis anyway, but at least I’ll be theoretically in the right place). Goodnight y’all!

I forgot to bring my medication with me when I came to school this week, and I think I'm already feeling the effects. And it's not like I was doing splendidly before either. Why is my brain doing this to me? I mean, enough should be enough, right? Maybe I should just go to bed. But I kind of don't want to, because both my roommates are out partying in the hall with the rest of the geniuses on my floor, and I don't want to look like a narcoleptic loner sleeping in here all by myself. Like, that's no fun at all, right? Also, I really need to be doing some linguistics stuff, but I can't seem to concentrate on anything right now, so I'm procrastinating it, but then I know I have to do it, so I can't sleep yet. Oh yes, and I need to be studying for my anthro midterm too. And that's the story, folks. What am I to do here? My life is like a barrel of mold and disappointment. (That was a really nice and poetic simile, just saying) Should I march out into the hall and demand that people start paying attention to me and give me alcohol? Not that they have any, probably, as it's illegal to have in the dorms, but maybe it would appeal to their bibulous lifestyles and make them love me deeply. Oh, my socialite roommate just came in and invited me to join them all out in the hall, and I immediately refused, like the wretched recluse that I am. Why do I do these things? Why am I me? Man, I really have to shape up here, or I'm going to end up as lonely as the unpaired rounded back vowel. At least I have nice eyebrows. That ought to count for something, right? If you have nice eyebrows, it's much easier to be rude and antisocial and mysterious and get away with it (a good wardrobe helps immensely as well). Speaking of which (sort of) I cut my bangs over the weekend, and now they're kind of short, and on one hand, I have the potential to look fierce, but on the other hand, I'm now possessed of too-short bangs, and I'm not sure if I actually look good or not. As always, people keep staring at me wherever I go, only now there's a friendly sort of flavor to it, and I'm not sure if it's because I'm adorable, or because I'm pitiably ugly. When I was getting dinner yesterday, some dude randomly told me that he liked my bangs, and that's an indication that I don't look good, because he was probably being sarcastic, right? But then again, maybe he was just hitting on me and not doing a very good job of it. I don't know, man! This is all so difficult. If only I could be sure that I look good, then I would feel at least 50% better about my life! Maybe I just have to embrace my inner beauty and accept myself as the majestic and flawless masterpiece that I am without any negative judgement allowed, and everything will be all sparkles and sunshine and daisies and Renoir's version of Impressionism. I know some people at a certain mental hospital who would be terribly enthused about that idea. But in the meantime, I have to contend with the joys of dorm life, and I have not the faintest idea how I'm going to go about doing that. Perhaps I should ask my cheery compatriots for some potations after all.

So I've started school now, and it's really not as bad as one might think! My classes are very interesting (although my anthropology teacher has an annoying habit of hating on linguistics at every possible opportunity, and naturally I take this very personally), and I've figured out where they are, so I don't have to lead quite so early in the morning to account for getting lost. It's still a bit of a struggle getting back to my dorm sometimes, but I think I'm on the right track now. Oh, and the people are lovely for the most part! My roommates are not weird, and they're both transfers and are older than I am (because I'm a year younger than all the other transfer students), and we all get along well. The people in my hall are also very nice (except for one, but that's okay, there's always one), and I've been managing to talk more and be a little more social, so I'm understandably proud of myself for that. What I'm not proud of is my diet, because I can palpably feel the eating disorder coming back and taking over, so I definitely have to do something about that, but goodness me, the place is a breeding ground for disease. If I didn't have anorexia coming in, I probably would coming out. No, that's not true, it's not hard to keep healthy, it's just the people I hang around with, especially one of my roommates. She acts almost like I do, and I think it's pretty unhealthy. But I'm not sure what to do, beyond encouraging her to eat healthy things, because it's difficult (not to mention awkward) to intervene in someone's life in such a personal way. If it gets any worse, and I can see beyond a shadow of a doubt that she's struggling with real health issues, of course I will have to step in somehow, but as it is, I'm still hesitant. What would you do? It's a sticky situation.
Diet problems aside, I'm doing much better with everything than I was in Ohio, I think. Although I haven't yet joined any music organizations, whether for credit or otherwise, and it's getting a little late, so I'm getting worried. But I'm not sure where to go! How do people find these things out? I'm pretty sure all the auditions have passed already, so that's another obstacle. Or would they let me audition later, maybe, if I exhibited a positive can-do attitude? Maybe I could talk to multiple groups and join the nicest one. But then they might be really bad. Oh dear. I just don't know what to do! This is one of those situations where I just need to get in there and do something, and coincidentally, one of those situations where I show myself to my worst advantage. It's very difficult for me to act without ruminating for awhile, and that's okay I guess, but it does put a crimp on life sometimes. Perhaps I belong in academia after all.
Oh yeah, that reminds me! I've been thinking, maybe I could go into psychology. I know, I know– it's a pseudoscience and all, but with the state of the world as it is, mental health is a lucrative profession. My only problem is that everyone else can see this too, so I would have a lot of competition, but still, it might be something I could do. This isn't random though, or purely motivated by acquisitiveness. I think I would be good at it, because even though I can't solve my own problems, I'm very good at thinking through how other people can solve theirs. Just because I can't seem to put things into practice in my own life doesn't mean I don't know them, and plus, I'm an excellent listener. And okay, truth to be told, I was a little inspired when I went to the program. Everyone there was so good, and they seemed to love what they were doing so much, and I hate to admit it, but they helped me quite a bit. Just think of what they could do with someone who was actually willing to be there! Since I have all these problems, shouldn't I do some good with them and help other people who are going through the same thing? It seems like it's the right thing to do. But then again, how helpful would I really be if I was struggling so much in my own life? It would really be a case of physician heal thyself– I just hope my patients wouldn't try to take me for an example. Or maybe that's better, because I could tell them conclusively what not to do. Well now, I don't know. But it's a thought.
I was supposed to see my bae today (since I'm home for the weekend), but his car broke down, so he can't come over, and Mom was too busy to drive me to his house. This is one of those times when I really wish I had my license. I miss him, man! Even though it's only been a week since I've seen him, it's felt like longer. He's such a calming and lovely presence in my life, like the foundation of a well-built house, or a nice fuzzy comforter (probably those were not the most romantic comparisons I could have made, but I think they were very sweet, personally). How is it possible for anyone to be so patient and kind and good-hearted? He's unbelievable! (In a good way that is, but still) Last Friday, we had a fight, and when I said we, I mean I, since I was the only one doing any fighting. Man, I was really going at it, and mind you, I'm one of the most easy-going people ever, but bless my soul, if he didn't get my blood flowing! You see, I thought he was going against my feminist ideology (for lack of a better description), and I really couldn't have that. I'm not sure I want to align myself with today's feminist movement because of several problematic issues that I've seen, but I have passionate beliefs that at least parallel theirs in most regards, and if you mess with that, I'm not going to take it. Then, he made the mistake of saying something not very friendly towards the MOGAI movement, and everything really went down in flames. I can't condone that, you know? Fortunately, the first bit was a misunderstanding, and the second bit was ignorance, since although he is very supportive towards marginalized people, he doesn't really know a lot, so he didn't mean any harm at all, and after I set him straight, he was fine. And I never stay mad for long, so after I cooled down, we talked about it, and I was so amazed by how nice he was! He didn't make me apologize, and he didn't get mad, and he didn't say that I "wasn't worth his forgiveness" as my sister's horrible boyfriend says to her frequently, and basically, everything was great (I didn't apologize by the way, because I don't think I did anything wrong) (except maybe act a little impolite, but he doesn't mind that). I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they handle conflict, and he seems to handle it pretty well. Of course he's not perfect, but he's miles ahead of some, and that's a good sign. So anyway, that was a really long-winded illustration of his lovely personality, and how lucky I am! Although I guess I could be luckier at the moment, because I would really like to see him, but there's always tomorrow!
I should go to bed now, because I'm yawning like some kind of oxygen fiend, and I have to get up early for church tomorrow anyway, so I'll sleep now. Although I might play some calming game first, I don't know. At this point, I need all the aid in sleeping that I can get. Okay, goodnight!

I feel like it's been a really long time since I wrote anything. And I'm sure you're all wondering about my fascinating life, so here I am to provide insight into the beauty and joy that surrounds me daily.
So, it's been a little more than a month since I started treatment, and I'm finally in intensive outpatient instead of partial hospitalization, and let me tell you, my life has improved by at least 50% just from that alone. Now I don't have to get up at 7 in the morning anymore, and it's wonderful. I still have to spend my time eating copious amounts of dubiously tasteful food and talking about my feelings though, so I'm not sure just how positively we can qualify the improvement. Still, as I always say, the more time I spend asleep, the better. Speaking of which (sort of), I finally started medication, and it's so nice. Honestly, I have no idea why I didn't just bite the bullet (or tablet) and take it earlier, because it's really great. At the moment, I'm on two meds at fairly low doses, but tomorrow I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about increasing them if I can, since my symptoms haven't decreased as much as I would like. Still, I'm very happy with the outcome, and it's really great not to be suicidal anymore. I'm a firm believer now; I think everyone should go on medication.
On October 2nd, I'm going to start school, and honestly, I'm very scared. How am I going to manage this? What if I'm bombarded by weird people? What if I am a weird people? Oh goodness me, I'm not sure I'm up to this. At least my classes are going to be interesting. Although they only let you sign up for three at first, which is weird (but understandable, given the immense size of the student population), so I'm not going to be very busy at all, even if I get my fourth class later. But I like my selection, and I think it's going to be a fun quarter. I'm taking art history, anthropology, and a linguistics class (which is at a higher level than the one the other ling transfers have to take, so I'm pleased with OSU's course selection), and Chinese, if I can get it. You see, I have to take two languages here, and although I have almost enough credits to be done with Spanish (I have to take one more course), I still need another language, and it can't be Indo-European. And since we've all been trying to learn Chinese for years, and X is taking it for free at Columbia (oh the perks of being a Juilliard student), I figure it's a good choice. I still can't talk to my relatives though, since they all speak Cantonese. Ah well. At least I can work for the government.
Tonight, as many other nights prior, I spent my time with the bae, being all adorable and murmuring sweet nothings into each other's ears and arguing about the economy and all that cute stuff that couples do. He's such a diehard Democrat, and that's great, but man, he is so hardheaded sometimes. Arguing with him about the free market for example, wow that is really difficult. He is persuaded that the more the government intervenes, the better everything will be, and nothing will convince him otherwise. Oh dear, oh dear, I can't believe I'm dating a Keynesian! No, but he's very lovely, and I even watched football with him, so that's how you know it's real. There are about five hundred things I care more about than whether or not the Giants will beat the Redskins (for example, whether or not the Redskins will change their name to something that's not a racial slur), but if I think of it as an epic reenactment of the Battle of Five Armies, I can pull through. And now I know enough to hold a decent conversation, so maybe all is right in the end.
It's pi time, by which I mean it's 3:14 AM, so I really should probably go to bed. I have the pleasure of treatment to look forward to tomorrow, and I really wouldn't want to oversleep and miss any of that! Actually, I did that today. Dad took a nap too, and forgot to wake me up, so it was all bad all around. But my treatment team wasn't too bent out of shape about it, fortunately. Still, I really should get to sleep. Perhaps I will play one round of Candy Crush before I hit the hay. That game is so addictive, I swear. If only they would grant me more than five lives at one time. It's probably good for me to be limited though. Well-p, time to head off! I will talk about myself more later, never fear. It's always honesty hour here. Okay, goodnight!