Whine, whine, whine

I feel so horrible today! I don't even know. It seems like I should be happy too! It's a lovely day, not humid at all, and it's that sort of golden late-summer afternoon that would be the dream of any aspiring Romantic poet. My classes were wonderful today, and I actually struggled for a minute or two in logic, and I got to talk to Delightful Devin again. We're doing romantic opera now, and romantic literature to boot, so that's another fabulous thing right there. I'm in the library, which as we all know is my favorite place in the whole state (except possibly the airport, when it's preparing me to go home), and no one's tried to talk to me. I don't even look completely hideous! It seems like everything should be sugar and roses, doesn't it? But it's not. I feel like crying, and I can't, and it's terrible. I don't really cry much, you know, only about things that don't matter, like Supernatural and poetry and music and an Ingres portrait one time when I was on my period and hadn't slept for a week (okay, that's a lot of stuff, isn't it), but even then, I don't know how to cry. My eyes get all wet, but I don't make any sound, and I just sit there sniffling to myself and looking gross. Even when I left for OSU and was bawling all the way to the airport, I didn't make noise; I just had tears streaming down my face (seemingly never-endingly), and everyone was looking at me pityingly, but I couldn't do anything to stop myself. I felt like a faucet. It was very stressful. But anyway, where was I going with this? Oh, yes. So, I really don't know how to cry, and I feel like I'm missing out on something very cathartic. I think it would be nice to throw myself dramatically onto the ground, or a chaise lounge or something, and just have a good ole tear-fest. And then afterwards, I could happily eat ice cream and go about my business. But actually, no, I would feel really stupid and self-indulgent if I did that, so it's probably better not to. I hate dealing with my feelings, you know? It's so much easier to be flippant and perky all the time and not acknowledge anything that goes on underneath. That makes me shallow, doesn't it. Well, okay, it's not that I don't have feelings, I get angry and embarrassed and sad and everything, just like everyone else, but I don't give voice to anything but my Daisy Buchanan-slash-Rococo attitude. Or when I'm in public or feeling awkward, it's my valley-girl-asshole attitude. But either way, it's pretty substance-less. I have problems, I know, but it's all right. I think if I ever expressed an emotion other than bubbly joy, it would create such a rift in time and space that everyone would hate me forever. Not that they don't already, probably, but you see what I'm saying, don't you? I can't bring myself to ask someone to take care of me, cuz that's for everyone else (although if I'm going to be honest with myself, that's all I want right now), and I can't take any dramatic measures to care for myself, because I feel stupid and lazy and hedonistic and even worse in the long run. So overall, it's a pretty terrible hole into which I've dug myself! Ugh. Even now, I feel whiny talking about this. But why do I always have to be the caretaker? Isn't it okay for me to ask for something once in a while? Or is that not what a virtuous life is about? I don't know, and I don't think I'll ever figure it out. I'm probably going to turn into an emotionally closed-off person with mountains of insecurities and anxiety and a despairing outlook on everything. Oh, wait a minute there...
I'm so sick of people, oh my goodness. I know I've been talking about the stress of being in the public eye ever since I got here, but I think it's really starting to wear on me. I hate having to walk around feeling awkward, terrified, or both, without any peace at any time, until late at night when everyone's asleep, and sometimes not even then. I hate not being able to eat (I've lost several inches off my hips, which to be honest, I don't need, and this guy asked me if I was sick because I'm so skinny and pale), and I hate not being able to sleep because late at night is the only time I have to relax, and I'm not giving that up, no way. I'm also really, really tired of everyone looking at me like I'm the harlot of Babylon because of how I look. Yes, I should be used to it by now, but it was never so blatant or rude as it is now, even when I was going through my half-naked phase in 9th grade. Let's be real here, I dress rather conservatively most of the time. I wear skirts and dresses with cardigans and flats, and I look like I've just come from teaching Sunday School more often than not. I guess my skirts are sometimes short, but I'm short, okay, do you want me to look like a hobbit? And some of my outfits are a little more revealing (like my pink lace dress), but they're not bad, really. I'm so tired of walking by people who look at me and glare or giggle and then talk about me as I walk away. I mean, it seems like it shouldn't be a big deal, but when you don't get any kind or non-judgemental glances from anyone all day, it's kind of a drag. I know what you're saying, "Jasmine, you cishet privileged asshole, welcome to the real world! Who's getting served now, bitch?" And I suppose you're right. I do deserve this. But that doesn't mean I can't complain about it. I'm just tired of people judging or looking down on me, you know? It's been this way all my life, and it seems like I must have atoned for the sin of being born by now! I sound so whiny, what's wrong with me? Ugh.
Now, on the other side of the spectrum, there's the problem that people sometimes like what they see when they look at me, and by people, I mean guys, and it's going to sound even worse when I talk about this, but I'm going to anyway, and you can't stop me. So, let me tell you, it might seem like it's flattering to get hit on and cat-called all the time, and I suppose it is to some extent, but it's also creepy, and really, really, annoying. I can't walk anywhere without people going, "You're beautiful!" or "Hey hottie!" or "You're so cute, isn't she cute, look guys!" or something of that nature, whether I'm by myself or not. And you might think it's nice to hear such positive affirmation after feeling the cold, judgmental stares of everyone else all day, but it's really not. I know it's just a matter of time until someone tries to assault me, and everyone will blame me, because hurr durr, pretty girl, nicely dressed, must have been asking for it, right? It's really frightening. I don't know if I'd be able to fight anyone off, either, because I'm five feet tall, and full of nothing but flab and useless pedantic knowledge, and my twelve-year-old brother can pick me up if he cares to. I know tae-kwon-do, yes, but I honestly don't think it would be enough. I'm frankly scared all the time, and I don't want people to notice me. Judge me all you want, but who wants to be assaulted? Now, it's not just this either, although this is bad enough. See, there's this guy in my opera class who won't leave me alone now. And it's SO annoying. I try to answer his texts in ways that won't further the conversation, but he keeps on going. Sometimes, I don't reply, but this doesn't prevent him from sloughing off. Nope, our dear friend just comes back with something else. I'm losing my mind. I feel bad for being annoyed, because he's a cute Korean exchange student, and he's all polite and sweet and stuff, and he genuinely seems to want to talk to me, but man, my poor ole nerves are getting more and more frayed every time he texts me! Ugh. I'm a horrible person. I accept it, though. I'm substanceless, remember?
So, I felt terribly terrible, and I decided that I don't even care anymore, so I did the opposite of what I said I couldn't do and texted Austin to see if he would cheer me up. And he did! The darling. ♥ He didn't act like he hated me for being an emotional gravyboat, and he was so sweet and caring, and I just, I dunno. How am I so incredibly lucky to have him in my life? He's wonderful, and he makes my life here so much better. But I miss him a lot. It's really a sad situation. Whenever I see happy couples walking around campus, I get jealous of them, and then I feel weird, because I don't get jealous often. But man, it's not fair, they're so happy, and I'm so alone! Well, not really alone. Just not with the person I want to be with the most. But that's close enough.
Blehh, it's already almost 9:30, and the library closes at midnight. What am I going to do? I don't want to go back to the room and hang out with Melissa and other-Melissa! Oh, did I write about that? I don't think I did! I was too busy feeling sorry for myself! Okay, so Melissa has invited her friend over from Penn State (or one of those schools) to spend the night here. Her name is Gillian (or something, I'm afraid I can't really recall), and she doesn't know what linguistics is. I'm terrified of her. What am I going to do? I was planning to stay here at the library until it closes, and then stay out a little later, but then they might think I was avoiding them, and I would feel so rude! So maybe I should go back now. But then I would have to stay in there for several hours until it became okay for me to go to bed! When is it okay to go to bed? I usually stay up until three, so maybe they would think something was amiss if I didn't! But then again, I could pretend to be sick. And I really do need my sleep. So then I could just go to bed early and have a lovely night and not get up embarrassingly late tomorrow! No one got ahold of me for a ride to church tomorrow, and I feel really bad about this, but would it be so bad if I skipped a week? I'm so overwhelmed and tired of dealing with people, and every week is horrible because I have to go to someone's house and stay there all afternoon, surrounded by strangers, and by the time I get back, it's about 6:00 and too late to take a nap, and I'm tired the rest of the week. Sabbath is supposed to be a day of rest, and I feel like it wouldn't be too bad if I had worship on my own and watched University church online. Would it? I don't know! Maybe it would be good for networking if I went to church. But I'm so exhausted of all energy and inclination to deal with people! Well, with unknown people, I mean. If I were at home, I would love to go out with my friends all the time. What's wrong with me? Who am I turning into? My anxiety was never this bad before. I think it's been getting worse all through high school, and now it's bloomed fully. At least, I hope it's bloomed fully. I definitely don't want it to get worse.
Oh dear, the library closes in half an hour, apparently. I thought it closed at midnight, though! Oh dear. Well, I guess I'll go, then. My laptop is dying anyway. I tried to bring my charger, but it didn't work. Okay, so here I go, ready to walk across campus by myself. If I die, just remember that I was driven to it by Melissa's cursed gregariousness. All right, bye now!