...

For some reason, I have no real close friends. I do not wish to sound self pitying, but it is the truth. All the people I used to be so close to and who I still eat lunch with every day are now kind of ignoring me. Not on purpose, of course, it's just that I'm so much an outsider into their little world that they would really rather not interact with me if they can help it. It's really not their fault. They're great people, and I love 'em to a state of vegetative consciousness, but it's just not really fun to be hanging around like a stupid idiot trying to fill gaps in a conversation that doesn't pertain to you in the least. Maybe I should read more. That certainly would help clue me in on at least half the topics covered. (The other half being movies) All I really wanna do is talk about normal girly things like guys and who said what about who, but noooooo, we have to have a half-hour long discourse on Harry Potter and how hot-or-not Hogwarts is! (What the heck is Hogwarts anyhow??? I sort of had the impression it was the wizard/witch academy, but now I'm not too sure.) The discussions would be longer, but we only get a half-hour for lunch. I dislike being left out. That is to say, I SEVERELY dislike being left out. Nowadays, Bonnie and I are the ones who talk the most, or else me and Allie, but she also likes to go wander around and talk to other people. I like to do that too, but it's dangerous, because while I do have people I can talk to over where she likes to go (and spy on her current crush!) I don't really know them well, so that I can never be sure wether I'll have fun or not. A lot of my other friends congregate there too, but I don't talk to them there. And I dislike being awkward soooo much that I'm scared to go over there now. DAMMIT! What's wrong with me?!?! What happened to the girl who didn't give a shit what happened to her? When did I turn into this awful person? And why? I think I'm even more messed up than when I didn't have a psychologist. (Or maybe not. I was pretty screwed up then too....) Ok, I admit it! I AM SCARED! Happy now?! I'm so scared! I'm terrified! I don't want to DIE! Not that it's really dying per say, but it's a social death. I don't want to be....
I don't even know what I don't want to be. I'm scared and I don't know what of! I can't calm down either! Everything seems so hopeless! It's like a dark tunnel. A reeeeeeaaaaaallly long dark tunnel. And then at the end? A funeral procession. Or a train. Or maybe even a drooling pervert with open arms and a massive erection. Whichever one you find most horrifying. But no matter what your doom is, it's still a doom! And I'M FUCKIN DOOMED WETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT!!! (And you sure as shit better believe I don't!)
I feel like such a loser no matter what I do. If I'm eating, I feel utterly disgusting. If I'm not eating, I feel slightly better, but also like a wannabe anorexic. When I'm doing anything fun, I feel like a failure, and when I'm doing anything useful, I feel like a nerd. So I can't fucking win! It's not fair. Why does life have to be like this? You just grow up expecting sunshine and rainbows (Ok maybe not the rainbows part, if you know what I mean) and instead you get heavy fog and acid rain with a pH of below zero. (That actually might be cool, though! The rain part, not the pH of below 0, that is) But you get my point! The only thing that's ever sure is that you'll die. And also that you'll have too many crappy days before that. So wouldn't it be better just to end it while you can instead of dragging out the unpleasantness longer? It's quicker. And more painless. And better for the world. Honestly, and let's not be deluded here and say that I'm wrong cause I KNOW I'm not, who wants an ugly fat girl? No one. And if that ugly fat girl has no talents and is bad at conceivably everything except maybe getting on people's nerves? Then REALLY just die already! I hate my life. I really do. Cutting isn't enough... I should end it.

i feel like cruddddddddddddd.....

I'm sick. Really. It was not just a (successful!) attempt to stay home from Chinese school, I really am sick. I think it's swine flu. Honestly, I feel so effin' bad it's not even hilariouso! I dunno.... No one's here.... I think I'mma eat a piece of bread and strawberry jam. I'm STARVING, which I dk why I should be cause I had fuggin' SUPPER yesterday, but whatever. Maybe it's a groth spurt.
It's so annoying that every single person in the world thinks I should eat all the time. Don't they understand that it feels GOOD to be hungry?? It's like what monks do, and see how wise and illustrious monks are? I met a monk or two in Korea. I should know!
Gah. I really do not feel very good. I feel all tired and draggy. Do I really have to go to dorkestra today? Although I have not yet seen evidence of any really gay people. That may be because we've only been there three weeks. I was concertmaster last time. So it'll be embarassing to be in the back! But actually not really cause I really don't care about orchestra. Not one whitle bit.
Ugggghhhhh what the biscuit I just sat around on the other computer reading Twilight Fan Fiction for awhile! I'm so mean. Fan Fiction cracks me up no matter how serious it is. Nyu.
UGHHHHHH STUPID F'N BUTT-FACE NOW I CAN'T THINK ABOUT INSTANT NOODLES ANYMORE WITHOUT WANTING TO THROW UP STUPID BUTT-FACE! SHIT! I wouldn't say I dislike him, but....
....I do not like him.
Not at all.
And the same goes for his lying, cheating, stupid, ugly, perverted, obnoxious, loudmouthed, awkward, insulting, clingy bff who is PROBABLY also his bf, as they call each other "love" and "darling" and end every phone call with "love you". Plus, they just look gay! But I will tell you who is SO NOT like that! It's Le Korean Hottie! Ever since I saw him, I knew..... He's the hottest guy everrrrrrr! I'm sure he has a HUGE one! And he has at least ten badass friends who hang around him and shower everyone with their utter and complete HOTNESSS! KYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH I am sooooooo in loovvvvvvvvvveeeeeee! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ I intend to write him a LOVE LETTER! What should I say? Should I go for the sweet and innocent "Ever since I saw you, I thought you were perfect" or something like that? Or be all dramatic and say "I cannot live without you, my darling! My love!" Or whateverrrrrrr.......
Man, I'm acting like a deranged fangirl, all because I'm sick and don't even know my own mind! I bet that if I read this in two weeks I won't remember writing a single thing! It's good that it's the weekend. If I were in school, this would be le problemo.
Hey, where the eff are they? Chinese school ended at 12! What the heck is going ONNNNNNN???????
Oh. They;re back.
Bye.

xoxoxo~♥~

frug is a mix between fug and freaking

Hello, my loves....
Today, we had earthquake drill. Stinkin' teacher put me in charge cause he was off doing the Search And Rescue Team (Gosh, that sounds wrong!). (And who'd wanna be rescued by HIM I wanna know! But that's the way things are. Maybe he got bribed into it. Or maybe he's involved in a scandal! I've often thought he and Mr. Ass were together. Since the school policies include no dating teachers if you're a teacher (presumably students can't date teachers either, but that has never been an issue as far as I know), it would be STRICTLY FORBIDDEN! So of course someone must know about it and is holding it over their head. But! They refuse to relinquish their undying love! How inspiring. Sort of.) Anyways, where was I? Oh yes. So then SOMEONE started making snide remarks about how if this were a real earthquake, it would be nothing short of a level fifty million emergency to have the ditziest student in charge, and how we'd probably be all dead by now if it were up to me. And I'd thought we were all over that by now. *Sigh*
Oh yeah! The Asshole (As Allie has taken to calling JK) came over to where we were eating lunch today! We looked at him, gasped in horror, and than turned away and would have nothing more to do with him. (Except Allie, who asked why he broke up with me. Apparently, it was "awkward". Well, I should think it was! Other than the fact that I had to completely hide his existence from anyone who could possibly know my parents, there was the little matter that he happened to be cheating on me with two other girls? Hmmm? Is that not just the smidgiest teeniest bit awkward? Yes, I quite think so as well.)
I have a geometry quiz tomorrow. BLEH. I f'n HATE quizzes! (And tests, but those fall into the same category) I always do really badly! Oh yeah. I have a Spanish quiz too. But that is SO DROP DEAD easy I could ace it without ever have been setting foot into the classroom. (Hmm, that sentence seems off somehow...) Seriously, it's that easy. I should have taken Spanish II.
GAH I have to go. They are due home any minute and if they find me un-studyful, I shall soon be un-happyfull. I shall see you anon.
xoxoxo~♥~

My travels of the world (or at least Redlands)

Hola! It's been a durn long time since I wrote (AGAIN)
Since my last update, I have...
• Been dumped
• Started cutting (for serious now, instead of the little minor things I did after SOMEone *coughMarkcough* broke my heart)
• Failed a class
• Raised my grade in the selfsame class
• Been asked out by the ICKIEST jerk in the world
• Started orchestra
• Started Chinese school
• Gotten an "eating disorder" (which is not really an eating disorder at all)
• Started seeing a psychologist
• Had my music deleted off my iPod and iTunes by Le Evil Destroyer Of Anything Good, i.e my dad (he didn't ask, either! Sheesh!)
• Been SO ANNOYED by my parents and SO DEPRESSED that I seriously considered suicide
• Had my best friend move somewhere where I don't know where and if it's too far away I'll DIE
• Umm.... I canna think of more now. Let us bear with grace and dignity all that is.
SO YEAH THE STINKIN JERK DUMPED ME FOR NO REASON!!!!
Or, actually, no, he had a very good reason. It just is not a socially acceptable reason, or even yet acceptable by unsociable people. Ah, I see your look of confusion. Let me elaborate. Well, it turns out sweet, sensitive, kind, gentlemanly JK was cheating on me with not one, but two girls who may or may not have known about me. Soooooo..... I'm better off alone. I know it. And may I be frank? Yes, I may. He was kind of a pain. In le butt, ya know. Totally. He SO was. And he didn't know about Evanescence. So there.
La la. I couldn't care less. Cause I still am SO in love with Mark that's in NOT EVEN FUNNY. And he doesn't like me, which is also not even funny, but for entirely different reasons.
Such as that it's HIS fault I cut myself every darn day!!! And it's HIS fault that I'm sooo fat! Cause I used ta overeat from sadness, like. And it's his fault that every time I see a curly haired guy I flip out, freak out, pig out, and cut. HIS FAULT! IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! That mothertruckin bear-huggin dickpad who is more hateable than Michael Savage, yet is also more loveable than Taylor Lautner. (Ok, not Taylor Lautner. Maybe Zac Efron) It's ALL his fault cause I frickin DESPISE him! I also adore him. What the eff is wrong wit me? EH? I got no sense. And if he ever discovered this blog, he would quickly become alarmed at the stalkerishness of which it is formed. Such as that it is. (Did that even make sense)
I went to Andrea's party yesterday. It was sooooo fun! Our whole lunch group was there. (Ivy, Allie, me, Bonnie, and Ella and NOT Kay!!!) (Ok, his is offtopic and possibly quite cruel, but WHY THE HECK IS HE NAMED KAY???????? That's a GIRL'S name and unless he WANTS to sound more unmasculine that he already DOES he should consider changing it to something less effeminate!!!) (Now I'm all wound up! GRRR! Not only is it a girl's name, it's a frickin OLD FASHIONED girl's name! It's redolent of crocheted lace, parasoles, and granny squares! He should change it to KAI!!!! I love that name. It sounds so awesome.) (Although, I really, really hate to say this, but Kay is a little, um, weird sometimes. Only a little. And only sometimes at that. But still.... Allie said so too)
Anyway, I need to go cause I gotta leave for Le Horrid Orchestra in an hour and I have gay-o vocab words to write. So bye!


Postscript: No offense is made to gay people. It is merely a lovely and clever substitute for bio. For bio is bi. And bi is gay. So um... where was I going with this? Well, no offense, anyway.
xoxoxo~♥~