I like rap now. I've decided it. I used to not, cuz I thought it was unmelodic and boring, but now I realize that it is rife with subtle nuances that I hadn't noticed before, so now I feel that it is in my soul just as much as everything else. It also makes me feel like a badass, and that's definitely a plus. Not much does, you know. Maybe I should take to wearing chain mail and riding two motorcycles at once and all that stuff. It might make it easier for me to maintain my image as Madame la Badasse so everyone can look up and revere me. In general, people don't, and I find that quite strange. After all, who am I but the coolest of cool? But hardly a day goes by without someone telling me how small and cute I am. Lately, Fish Face has taken to exclaiming over my supposed quietude, and the rest of my beloved choir mates have joined suit. In vain are my protestations that I actually am not quiet and shy and it is only their odious presence that suppresses my loquacity. I think they all feel sorry for me. It's ridiculously awkward. I can't do anything publicly in there without someone going "Aww!" and no matter how I act, I always have the uncomfortable feeling that someone is thinking me a big, awkward, antisocial, oaf. And I'm NOT! I'm just not integrated into the special little Choir Club they have! Is it my fault that I don't have a Mitt Romney sized bank account and a negative GPA? UGH. Performances are as awkward as the juxtaposition of figures in a Hiberno-Saxon painting. I am forced to keep my phone in my bra and text random people whom I think will reply to me just to keep body and soul together. And then Fish Face will inevitably see me eschewing all human contact and come over and start trying to talk to me (out of pity, I'm sure), and then I'll sort of chuckle awkwardly and talk in the really babyish voice that comes out when I'm uncomfortable and then some other person will come over and tell me how little and adorable I am and then I'll awkwardly chuckle some more and finally everyone will drift away and I'll take up texting again, feeling like the worst kind of oaf. It's quite a pattern. How did this happen, anyway? I think it started at the very beginning of the year. Or no, even earlier than that, it started at the end of last year when I went to the induction ceremony. Every blessed person in the world started weeping and wailing like the world was ending, proclaiming their undying love and devotion for each other, and in the midst of this lachrymosity, I quietly slipped out of the room and skipped the very first bonding experience the group had. And it all went downhill from there. I didn't know a soul in the group except Lisa, whom everyone loves, Roger, who is supremely annoying, and Fish Face, whose very presence is anathema to me, so I didn't talk to anyone, because I really don't like buddying it up with strangers (usually). To add to this beautiful situation, everyone had decided to be blood brothers from day one, so I was cut off from the cult before I'd even gotten a chance to initiate myself into it. As time went on, everyone else just got closer, and things just got more awkward for me. Often, I would go through the whole period without opening my mouth once (except to sing, naturally). Activities that involved participation were excruciating. The day we did voice matching and I had to sing in front of the class was a nightmare; I still cringe with shame to think about it. And, um, things are still like that. Yup. I can't even move around in my chair, because I feel like everyone will judge me for it. That may sound ridiculous, and indeed, it seems ridiculous to me as I think about it now, but once I get into the situation, every bound of sensibility disappears. I purposely spend large amounts of time after lunch talking to people and staring at myself in the bathroom mirror so I won't have to get to class until right before the bell rings. I'm often late, actually, and I never get there before the two minute bell. I have literally no one to talk to. Because Lisa is such a lovely person, everyone likes her, and is her friend, and I can't depend on her to take care of me socially, so I daren't hang around her too much. I ain't no parasite, ye ken, and I don't want anyone to think I'm pathetic, so I have to do everything solo and act like I like it that way. If someone is friendly to them, of course I'm nice to them and all, and if they choose to hang out with me, I'll be a companion like no other, but I can't actively seek anyone out. So far, I've been ok I think, but I have no idea what I'm going to do about tour. Five days cooped up with these people? What the hell am I going to do about this? I didn't even like it last year, and I was completely integrated into the group then. What if I didn't go? I don't know how I'd manage that. It's not even possible. Ugh. I hate everything. This was supposed to be the best year of my life; I've wanted to be in this group for five years. What the hell happened? I feel like there's a valuable life lesson here somewhere...
On the other hand, in my other classes, everyone is being much more friendly than last year. In Lit, our group is like a legit group now. I actually like each and every one of the five other members, and when I see them outside of class, we wave cheerfully to each other. This is quite a miracle, since before this year, I didn't like Lily and Helena at all, and I was ambivalent about Ansel, Jake, and Chris. I don't think they liked me either. I know Lily didn't. Whenever she saw me walking with Allie, she would studiously ignore me (even though I was always nice to her). But where was I going with this? Ah, yes. I love lit. It's such a fun class (and not just because it's English and English is the only thing I'm good at). Physics is fun too. The people in it are all smart, and I like them in spite of the fact that most of them are juniors. Only three people have an A in there, and I'm one of them. So that's something else that's remarkably lovely. I actually like gov too now, even though I never thought I would. The subject is beautiful, and even though I dislike most of the people in there, it's still somehow ok. Art history, of course, deserves more laudation than I could give. SO glad I didn't take psych. I'd probably be with S-hole. Oh yeah, speaking of the little brat! He's been so nice lately! What is going on? In calc on Friday, we were going to sing a Beach Boys song for extra credit (five of us, that is, not the whole class), and I didn't know it. I said as much, to warn the others, and without further ado, S-hole reached into his pocket and pulled out his ipod. "Here," he said, beginning to proffer it to me. "I got this," interrupted Katelyn in her nasally voice, brandishing her giant, five hundred dollar iphone. "I have better speakers." "Oh, that's true," said S-hole humbly, and began to sing along to the music. "You can probably learn it fast; you're in choir," he added to me. Well, I could, obviously, but it was mighty nice of him to point it out. After I'd learned it (in one turn, may I add), we sang it through, and I suggested something along the lines of like totally adding some harmony. "How do you do that?" asked S-hole, turning to me with an interested expression. I was gearing up to an involved explanation of thirds and perfect fifths, when Jake succinctly told him that he should just sing other notes. I couldn't really think of anything to add to this perfect elucidation, so I shut up and we performed the piece in unison. I think it was very nice, personally, and any extra credit is as light to my eyes. But it kind of bothers me that S-hole can sing... Like, where do you get off being so well rounded, bro? It ain't natural. Something's gotta give. I bet he has a horrible personality. Oh, wait... Zing! That was a good one. I should write it down. Poor S-hole. Maybe I'm being too hard on him. After all, what harm has he done me? Oh yeah- he offended my pride. Well then.
Speaking of pride! I HATE MR. DARCY. He reminds me of S-hole. Damn, I straight up don't know why bitches be all over him like that. He nasty as eff. Someone gotta realize his ratchet ass ain't worth swooning over pretty damn fast! Whaaaat. I'ma write an effing treatise about this. I like Elizabeth, though. I'd marry her. She's hottt. And I like the book a lot. It's really good. Much better than Hamlet, that's for sure. Come on, what's so great about Shakespeare? He's overrated. And I can say that because I've read a lot of his plays and some of his sonnets (well, not very many of them...) and I know the premises of some of the other ones. So THERE. Let's have a revolution.
Okeydokey, time to go do some stuff. For one thing, finish my concert report that's due Monday. For another thing, go to bed. Goodnight, now!
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