Would anyone really notice or care if I were to die? I don’t feel like I matter much, not in the grand scheme of things. And yet, I can’t shake the feeling that it would affect someone negatively. After all, I tell everyone else how much they matter, so maybe I would matter to them, too. Or not. Maybe my sick brain is right, and I’m an anomaly. Or maybe my healthy brain is right, and I’m just like everyone else. It’s hard to say. I don’t know, and it’s hard to say definitively which side is right, or if either of them is, but all I know is that I feel horrible.
Everyone in this house is so fucking loud. And I don’t understand why they can’t go in the living room for their hourly screaming fits and loud, triggering conversations. Why do they have to stay right outside my room? I try so hard to be courteous and thoughtful, but no one really cares to do that for me. I hate this. I hate loud noises, first of all, and I hate that I have to deal with all these people. I wonder if I would feel better if I didn’t have to live here. But then I would have to live with my mom, and that wouldn’t be much better. But at least it wouldn’t be as loud.
Am I asking too much to want some peace and quiet occasionally? Maybe it’s more than I should expect. I guess I have to be realistic about this. And I should practice radical acceptance, because I really can’t change this. I just hate this so much, and I want to be anywhere else, but then when I think about it, I don’t want to be anywhere else, either. I just want to feel comfortable for once. I don’t, you see. I feel horrible all the time, almost physically sick. I don’t want to do anything, and everything gets on my nerves. I don’t want to drink, not exactly, but I want to do something, because I can hardly stand this. I want to drink bleach. It would be so easy. It’s right in the cabinet across the hall, and I could easily grab it and go for it. But I’m supposed to meet a friend later, and then FaceTime with Buttercup tonight, and they would definitely be offended if I randomly didn’t show because I was dead.
Of course, that wouldn’t be my problem anymore, because I would be dead. But still.
What would make me feel better? What can I do? I hate this so much. I just want to feel okay for once. I’m not sure when it’s been better, but I know it has been, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s going to be like this for the rest of my life, however long that may be. Is it really all I can ask for to be only temporarily not in pain for a few minutes at a time? That’s the absolute best I can manage right now. I need to talk to a psychiatrist, or something. I feel like my program is very hands-off, and they don’t seem to care about me that much. I still remember when I told my therapist that I was feeling suicidal and I had a plan and a date, and she basically told me it was my fault and sent me out of the office. I like her, but I don’t think she cares about me very much.
Maybe I’ll drink some coffee. Caffeine usually helps me feel a bit better. I think all alcoholics are addicted to caffeine, and most are addicted to nicotine, too. Which is weird; cigarettes seem just as bad as alcohol. But it’s their choice, and who am I to argue against something that makes them feel better? Lord knows I’m not above begging cigarettes off people, either. The only reason I haven’t started smoking again is that I’m afraid to light a lighter. I’m so scared of fire, and also, I don’t know how to buy the packets at the store. Then, there’s the fact that I’m too ashamed to bum cigarettes off people like I did in the hospital. I was a whole different person then, so over-medicated and desperate to die, and I didn’t really care. But now I’m insecure as all hell, and I don’t want to be beholden to these AA assholes anyway, so I don’t do it. But goodness gracious, do I ever want to.
Or maybe I should try to masturbate away the sadness. That works sometimes. If I close my eyes, I can pretend someone else is doing it to me, and then I can pretend that I’m desirable and worthy. It doesn’t last, but at least it feels physically nice, and that’s better than not feeling anything at all.
Whatever I do, though, I should get out of bed. That can’t be helping. It’s comfortable in here, and it’s safe, and I don’t have to interact with people, but it’s like hiding, and I shouldn’t do that, not if I want to face my challenges head-on. But life itself is a challenge, and I can’t help but face that, unless I kill myself, so it feels unfair that I have to stop looking for even the smallest measure of comfort and plunge myself into what other people consider to be healthy. I feel like I’m constantly doing what other people tell me. When does it get to be my turn? Everyone tells me to trust the process, and blindly obey, and it pisses me off. Why don’t I get to question? Why don’t I get to be my own person? I think there should be a way for me to heal that doesn’t require me to strip myself of all independent thought. Maybe other people are wrong. Maybe they’re dumbasses like me. Why do they claim to have all the answers, anyway? I think a truly healthy person wouldn’t act that way. And just to be clear, I’m 100% talking about the AAssholes (as I so uncleverly call them). My therapist and treatment team don’t act that way. They’re here to help, and I appreciate them, even though they make me feel awful sometimes. But the people at AA are so sanctimonious and irritating, and they act like they’re in a cult. All hail the glorious sobriety! Okay, great, but stop trying to drag me down with you. I’d rather be a normal person, thanks. I mean, shit, they seriously don’t think about anything but their addictions. It’s so draining. I get that alcohol sort of takes away your sense of self, but shouldn’t you be trying to gain that back, instead of inverting it and keeping it as an obsession? Just because you’re now obsessed with not drinking doesn’t mean you’re not just as insufferable as when you were obsessed with drinking.
Anyway. I think I’m going to do something to try and make myself feel better. It remains to be decided what it will be, but hopefully it will help. I’ll check in later.