I feel like this blog is sort of a reflection of myself. I've had it for more than ten years, and it's always been a completely private place where I can feel free to say whatever the fuck I want without fear of repercussion. No one reads it except me, and no one cares, and it's nice to know that I can be free to say things and not have to explain myself.
Because I'm always explaining myself. One of the lessons I need to learn is that I don't have to do that. It's okay to just let things be, and not defend the choices I make. I do what I do, and that should be enough. Unfortunately, in this world, it's not. People want to know more. They feel entitled to access me, to discover all they can-- and then mold me into a more palatable version of me. It's gone on so long, and I don't really know who my real self is anymore, because I've been so shaped, carved out like the girl from the Greek myth, made to be the perfect, consumable object, and I don't even know how to access the core of myself anymore. I think I was more myself at eighteen than I am now.
Part of me wants to go back to that, wants to be that naive, wide-eyed, carefree young ingenue with a book of poetry under one arm, and a copy of The Brothers Karamazov under the other. I was adorable, innocent, untouched by addiction and failure, ready to take on the world. And what did the world do to me? Or rather, what did I do to myself? I ruined myself. I had so much potential, and I threw it all away, drowned it in the bottom of a bottle.
And yet, I don't think I would go back, even if I could. I feel that the pain and suffering I've gone through have shaped me, tempered me like fire in a forge. Before, I was pleasant, but I didn't have the deep-rooted kindness that I do now. Yes, I was a good person, but it was because it didn't occur to me that there was injustice in the world. Now, I'm good because I choose to be, and I think that's a subtle, but important distinction. I've been through hell, and I still choose to be ask kind as possible, and I think that's one of my greatest strengths.
I feel like I'm slowly learning about who I am. I'm kind, and I know that's important to me, but what else? I want to be this awesome, amazing person whom everyone loves, and who's ready and able to change the world at a moment's notice, but I think I'm going to have to settle for less. I have to play to my strengths, after all. I feel like I'm the sort of person whom others tolerate, and maybe find pleasant, but who's never anyone's favorite, and who's never even particularly liked. But that could be a cognitive distortion. After all, some people do like me. I know they do. Otherwise, why would they want to spend time with me?
Lately, I've really been wanting to get married. I'm not sure why, or what the shift is, because it used to be, that level of commitment freaked me out. But nowadays, I'm looking forward to it. I feel like it's time for me to be thinking about this sort of thing, especially since I want a longer engagement. Of course, I'm not going to propose just yet; I'll probably wait for another year or so before I do. So it'll be at least two years before I actually get married, and probably more, because I need to save up some money. But here are some things that I've already decided:
Music:
-Love theme from Romeo and Juliet
-Married Life from Up
-Flower Duet from Lakmé
-Entrance of the Queen of Sheba from Solomon
Dress:
Something like this
Or maybe this if I'm feeling daring
Favors:
For the musicians-- chocolates, decorated clothes pins, lip balms/lotions, mini rosins with cute stickers on them, mini bottles of alcohol, cute notepad and pen, and flowers to pin on their clothes
For the guests-- mini lip balms or hand lotions, or something small
For the families-- I'm not sure
For the wedding party-- sweets, lipstick, personalized alcohol or weed in whatever form they like, and anything else that will be helpful
I'm also going to find the cheapest possible hotel to rent out so that we can all just crash afterwards, because otherwise, it might be too tiring. I would let the musicians stay with us if they wanted, because I aim to treat them like fucking rockstars. Musicians deserve the world. And then for the reception, I would want to have dinner with an open bar and a pretty cake for dessert. And then I don't know if we could go on a honeymoon after that, because all of that would be really expensive. But that's okay! I think just settling in to married life would be enough!
Anyway, I really want to get married. I don't know, man, I think I've just been feeling it more and more lately, and then when we played at that renewal of vowels ceremony, it really drove it home for me. I want that! I want bliss and domesticity, and I want to raise a child! It's so strange. I never thought I would want this in my life at all, but here I am, craving that sort of settled adulthood that used to be anathema to me. Things really do change, don't they.
What if after all this, E breaks up with me? That would be a good one, wouldn't it.  Oh well. I just have to keep on doing my best, and putting as much work as possible into the relationship, and hopefully things will be okay. I mean, things seem to be okay, at least from what I can tell. We seem to be going strong, although we aren't talking quite as much as I would like, because of the time difference, and because we're both so busy (or rather, she's more busy than I am, but we both do occupy ourselves all day). I realized that I literally don't see any flaws in her. Like, of course I recognize that she has them-- she's sometimes thoughtless, and she can minimize things, and sometimes she has the tendency to isolate. But I don't see those as bad things, or at least, they don't make her a bad person. They're things that she's working on, just as I'm working on my flaws, and they don't define her. What defines her, I think, is her passion, her kindness, her loving, open, genuine heart, her intelligence, her love of others... I could go on and on. She's such a beautiful, amazing human being, and I'm so awed that I was lucky enough to find her. Like, sometimes I have to mentally pinch myself, because I just can't believe how lucky I am. What did a dumb guy like me ever do to deserve this happiness? I'm just a poor old farmer, and she's the princess who somehow noticed me out in the rutabaga field and took a notice of me. Like, obviously, I think I'm a princess, too, but that's what it feels like, you know? I'm so incredibly in love, and it's almost scary. I've always been afraid of commitment, and romantic relationships have always scared me. There was a time, back when I was dating Prince Uncharming while I lived in Ohio, that I thought I could see a future with him, but even then, part of me kept wanting to hold back. And then when I got all-in, everything went horribly. But I think that was his fault, mostly, and partly mine, but mostly his. Also, I've realized that I was romanticizing the idea of being in a relationship. I wanted to be loved, and I wanted affection, and attention, and excitement, and belonging, and everything that I thought a relationship would bring me, and since I was still in denial, I thought a boyfriend was the only way to do it. Now, the idea of dating a man seems so weird to me, like the thought of dating a balloon animal or something. It's just not right, and that's okay, because I've found what's right, and it's E. Or, well, dating women in general, I suppose, but specifically her, because I don't want to date anyone else. I think I'm polyamorous, but when I tried dating someone else (with E's full knowledge and consent, of course), it just didn't feel right, because it wasn't her. I kept wanting to make a joke or a comment, or point something out, or say something weird, but then I realized that she would be the one who would understand that, not my date. So I had to tell her that I couldn't date her, and I told E that she was the only one for me, and I've never looked back. I really do believe that she's my soulmate. I believe in soulmates in general-- platonic, romantic, queerplatonic-- and I believe that we have a lot of them. For me, a soulmate is just someone with whom you're so compatible that you wouldn't mind spending the rest of your life by their side. But I think she's my romantic and platonic soulmate. I love her as a friend, and I know I want to be her friend forever, even if she breaks up with me, but I also love her as a partner. For better or for worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, I want to be with her. And I think that's a lovely thing. I'm very lucky.
I think a lot of my issues with romance stem from how I was raised. I watched my poor mother try to bear the burden of an abusive marriage, and I thought that's just how love was supposed to be-- brief, fleeting, and ultimately toxic and harmful. But I'm starting to see that it doesn't have to be that way. Love isn't only for the young. There's hope for the future, too. For the first time, I'm not biting my nails, waiting to be broken up with every day. I'm secure, I'm safe, I'm hopeful, and it feels so amazingly good. Of course, this probably means that E will break up with me tomorrow or something. But even if she does, I'll be okay. I'm learning to love myself for who I am, and that's more important than being loved by anyone else, even my soulmate. Of course, it'll hurt like a motherfucker, and I probably won't be okay for quite awhile. But in the long run, I will be. I hope that doesn't happen, though. I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I imagine it sometimes, us, living together, hopefully legally married, raising a child and a cat and her dog, me teaching, her writing, just twined together, so radiantly happy. Okay, it's not just sometimes. I think about it all the time. I want this so, so badly, and yes, it'll be a pain with the two different continents, but we can make it work somehow, I'm sure. I'm willing to move there, as long as I can spend part of the year here, maybe summer and winter break, when I'm not teaching. But she also said she's willing to move here, so that could work, too. Whatever we do, I'm sure I'll be so happy. I just need to work on myself and make sure that I'm strong and secure in my mental health.
Which is what I'm doing now. It's hard work, but I think I'm doing better. At least, I've been using my skills more, and my bad periods have been less severe, and shorter. They're still almost constant, and very distressing, but at least I'm not as suicidal anymore. So that's good! I just need to keep on keeping on.