I feel like if my life were a tv show (which it might be; I'm not ruling out that possibility), I feel like I would be that character who's always looking at the camera, or rolling her eyes, or turning away going /yikes/ and I would be the least popular person ever. Well, okay that's not accurate, because there are many other tv tropes that I would fit much better, and that would be much more illustrative of my character, and none of them are the Straight Man because that just Isn't Me (also, nothing about me is straight). Believe me, I've thought about this extensively. But anyway, right now, I feel like I'm sort of doing that right now. My family brings it out of me, especially Xander. Here's an incomplete list of things he's done today:
•argued that racism isn't always bad
•said that race-mixing is a terrible phenomenon that has come from our neo-liberal society, and should be prevented at all costs
•argued for the merits of the Nostalgic Past
•tried to "advise" us not to talk about our mental (or physical) health problems
•told us that we shouldn't try to destigmatize our issues this way
•got extremely offended when we tried to explain our point of view and made dinner really uncomfortable
•continued to be offended and scream throughout the entire meal
•pulled the good old "why are you trying to fight with me I didn't do anything wrong you guys can't even handle some constructive criticism what's wrong with you" thing
•talked about himself for a solid hour and changed the subject back very angrily whenever it got off topic
•told my mom that he's very angry at her because of the abuse she's suffered, and he blames her for it
•said insulting things about the girl he's Talking To and said he's only talking to her because she's "below his level" and thus attainable.
•voiced his decision to leave said girl after stringing her along.
•currently, he's having a Deep Conversation with Mom, and I feel uncomfortable even out here in the other room.
So. Yikes.
This is only him, by the way. There's a whole other can of worms when it comes to everyone else, and that isn't much better. Fortunately, Dad is out in Pennsylvania, and things are much better with him gone, but things are still pretty bad now.
Talia is constantly angry and depressed, and she's in an abusive relationship, which is terrible, but we can't do anything, of course. Hell, we can barely even talk to her, because unless we're telling her exactly what she wants to hear, she gets mad and pouts and stomps and says nasty things to anyone and everyone. I love her dearly and I would do anything for her, but she often acts like a spoiled child, and I can't deny that.
Anselm is cut off from the world. He's always working out or on the computer, and he doesn't talk at all. It's weird- I hardly know anything about him. Today, I asked him something, and he said point-blank that he has no opinions, and that's true. He doesn't care. But that doesn't mean he doesn't understand; he sees much more than he lets on, and I'm worried that he's bottling everything up. He's a little spoiled too, not like Talia, because he does understand that he has to do things he doesn't want to, and that other people don't have to like what he's doing, but in that he doesn't know how to fend for himself. He's fifteen years old, and he doesn't even know how to do laundry, for goodness' sakes.
(I admit, some of this stuff is my fault. I spoil the kids, I think, because I want them to be cared for, but I'm pretty sure I'm enabling them.)
Mom is the other child in the house right now. Not physically, no, just emotionally. It's not her fault, and I don't blame her, and of course I'm not going to stop being her emotional caretaker, but it's indisputable. It's been easier with Dad gone, but it's still a bit difficult at times.
Especially now. I'm an idiot, and this is all my fault because I shouldn't have expected anything more, let's be clear about that first of all. But I'm still irrationally mad about it.
I decided that the time had come for me to come out, so I did. I tried to ease into it over a couple of days, and I was matter-of-fact and patient and everything, but Mom got mad at me and barely spoke to me the whole day (even though she didn't explode or anything, and was ostensibly nice about it). Then we talked about it later, and she was still mad at me, but she was okay with talking calmly. To outer appearances, she reacted well, but I could tell she was mad, and that makes me feel worse, because am I overreacting? Maybe I'm just being too greedy. But then again, why do I have to beg for scraps? I deserve unconditional acceptance, don't I? She discounted my experience with the whole "this is hard for me too, you know" thing, and she told me that me being bisexual is worse than her separation/divorce. And I don't know, that was painful. Maybe I'm making too big a deal out of it, but I wasn't happy about it. Then, of course, I had to go back to my Mom Mode, and be all reassuring and everything, and it's stupid and selfish, but I kind of want someone to reassure me? I'm always expected to be strong and resilient, and I guess I am, but it gets old sometimes.
You know, after I told her, her first reaction was "but what will people think of us?" followed closely by "what if we lose all our violin students?" and then she told me not to get into a relationship, and that if I came out to other people, everyone would hate me and I would become something of a social pariah. And yes, I know this is all true (or possibly true), but I also am sort of skeptical, because my mom cares /way/ too much about what other people think. She's a chronic people-pleaser, to the detriment of other things, and it's not inconceivable that she's blowing this out of proportion. On the other hand, I'm fairly naive, and I might be thinking naively. And I freely admit this. But I don't know. I want to talk to someone about this, but I'm scared. It's not exactly a progressive place, my town, and I don't think I would get very good advice no matter where I went. And of course, I'm not out to most of my friends, so I wouldn't ask them. Besides, when do I ever bother people with my personal problems? I can't.
(I thought writing this out would help me make sense of things, but I don't think it did. It was worth a try, I suppose.)
I wish I weren't constantly Filled with Despair. I feel like I'm wasting my break this way. And of course, time keeps on passing and passing, and I'm wasting my life, and it's all going away. It's times like these that I think more about dying. I can't, I know this, but I want to, and it's difficult to motivate myself to do anything when nothing matters anyway, and it's not going to do any good. Everything's so painful under my skin, and when it's not painful, it's itchy, and I want to be gone. Out of this life, out of life in general, I don't know- I don't even know if it matters. I just want to get away. (But will anywhere be better than here?)
I might go to bed soon, I'm not sure. I'm sort of sleepy, but more than that, I feel really twitchy, and like I can't stand anything, and if I can get to sleep, then at least I won't have to experience things. I've slept a lot today, but a little more can't hurt. We have an early morning tomorrow, too, since there's a special Christmas breakfast at the homeless shelter and we're going again. So I should rest up for that.
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