Romantic Fatigue

(that's a Frank Turner song)
ALL RIGHTY
WHO WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT MY SOCIAL LIFE
YOU DO
Okay! So, as we all know, Ling 20 was pretty boring, but I did meet someone there, a lovely girl who was in my discussion, and we exchanged numbers on the last day of class, and we've been talking ever since. Now! The issue is that I don't know if we're talking as friends, or if we're Talking~ (you know). She's very nice, and we use many emojis, and I'm very flirtatious and she doesn't seem to mind, but then again, I'm sort of flirtatious with everyone? Maybe she thinks it's normal. I don't know! Anyway! We went out today, and I will tell you All About It.
I wanted to get pretty, so I changed about fifteen times, but then I was about five minutes late. And I don't think I apologized for it, because I was too blown away by how pretty she looked, and I was nervous, and ugh. So we greeted each other, and she was all nervous and blushy and it was cute. Then we went to a little Thai restaurant and got food! And it was a little awkward? I'm not sure if it was me, or what, because I really was nervous and stuff, Anyway, neither of us ate much. She paid though! Then we went to see the movie (which she also paid for), and it was So Good! It's called Carol, and it's based off a novel called The Price of Salt. It was SO amazing, and I was spellbound the entire time, so if she tried to hold my hand or anything, I wouldn't have known. So then we Uber-d back, and we were sort of quiet? I don't know if she was tired, or not having fun, or what. But then we got back and she asked if I had to go, and I have my big problem set to finish, so I did have to. And we said goodbye and all, but she didn't kiss me? Like, the entire time, I was willing her to, like sending out kiss me kiss me kiss me thought rays, but she didn't go for it, and I didn't go for it either, because I wasn't sure if she considered this to be a date or not, and since she didn't, maybe she doesn't? But she did hug me a couple times, and it was really nice, like she gives excellent hugs. Also, her hair smells really nice? Anyway! So she mumbled something, and I wasn't sure what she said, and I was nervous, so I just smiled and agreed, and maybe she asked if this was a date, because she seemed kind of nervous, but maybe she didn't, and I have no idea. Why didn't I just ask what she said? Why? Maria no :(
So, here's another thing! She got me a gift! And I love gifts, okay, I love them, but often people just kind of give me stuff, and it's not really what I would choose for myself. But this one was! She got me a Matisse coloring card set from the Hammer museum, and she put in a sweet letter, and in the letter, she put a postcard of Olympia, which as we all know, is my very favorite painting. And she did all this, just for me! I'm honestly so touched. No one except Natalie has ever given me such a thoughtful present, and Natalie is my best friend. Gosh, I think I fell in love a little bit right there. But this was at the beginning of our date/not date, and maybe afterwards she wished she hadn't? Because I'm pretty charming over text, but I think I'm kind of annoying in person, and she probably lost interest. I mean, okay. I kept twirling my hair and smiling and not knowing what to do with my hands (or body in general), and my voice is so squeaky, and I'm just such a Barbie doll, but not in a good way, and I kept agreeing with everything she said (I mean, what am I supposed to do, though? I did agree). She asked me about my favorite musicals (at which point I fell even more deeply into the Feelings), and I went on a huge rant about the symbolism in Les Mis and why Cosette represents light and hope, and how Enjolras and the others are so relevant to the struggles of today's society, and then I got embarrassed so I started talking about Hamilton, and then that turned into a long rant about social justice, and just UGH. Why am I like this? She listened the entire time, though, which I thought was terribly polite. She's so sweet, and so adorable and smart and pretty and wonderful, and I'm such a bagel, and I feel like I scared her off or weirded her out or something. I mean, I'm pretty, but that's basically all I have going for me, because I'm kind of an asshole, and I'm kind of annoying to be around, so unless she just wants me for my body, we're out of luck.
Anyway, so I texted her after I got back to my dorm, because that's my rule for the end of a date, like if someone takes me out, I text them afterwards, okay, I wasn't raised in a barn. But I wasn't sure how mushy I should be, so my text could be interpreted as Gal Pal. But she texted back, and it was nice, but also kind of Gal Pal. So we texted back and forth a little bit, but then I got a little sweet~ with my text thanking her for her gift (and OLYMPIA!), and she hasn't replied, and I feel like I scared her off. She probably had a terrible time, and I'm just being a Cishet Boy. Help :( You know, this just goes to show how terrible I am at relationships. If I don't really care about the outcome, I'm pretty smooth, but right now, I feel like a high school freshman all over again. Does she like me, or does she like like me? Maybe I should straight-up ask her if she considers this a date, because then we'll be clear. Oh gosh, I'm scared to do that, though! Because what if she doesn't? Oh no. See, this is the problem with living in such a hetero-patriarchal society. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm on equal ground. (which makes me problematic, yes, I know)
Okay, enough of this for now, though. I need to do my problem set. Goodnight!