Negative //

Talia's boyfriend is here right now because apparently they "can't be at his house," and I feel like I'm slowly being consumed by all-encompassing hatred and fury. Holy heck, I hate him so much. I literally have never hated anyone this much (whom I've personally known- of course I hate people like Columbus and Jefferson more). They say that to hate someone is to be a murderer, and very well, I guess I am one. I'm a sinner, and I'm rotten to my core for this, but I can't stop hating him, no matter how hard I try. Words can't adequately express my hatred and contempt for the miserable wretch that he is.

I want to punch him in the face. I want to break his toes. I want him to never have toilet paper in public bathrooms. I want him to spend hours and hours torrenting one of his shitty racist and sexist movies, and then find out that it's all in Swedish. I want him to always run out of deodorant right before a big event, and then not have time to buy any more, so he has to go out and sweat like the pig that he is and everyone sees and judges him extensively. I want him to go bald at 25.

I don't want him to die, or have to stop playing piano, or be lonely forever, or otherwise be ruined in life, because that's a little extreme, even for me. I don't think anyone deserves death, or if they do, it's not for me to judge. But golly gee, I sure would like to give him a big ole wallop in his fat ugly noggin!

Anyway. I have other things to be concerned about. (This may sound callous, but trust me, I'm perfectly capable of worrying about everything life gives me- and some things it doesn't.) 

For one, I'm supposed to go out with Andrea and Natalie this afternoon. Andrea texted me asking to go shopping, and I don't really feel like going out, but I haven't seen her forever, and I miss her, so I said okay. And then Natalie is the essential third part of our trio, so I asked her, and she said yes, but I didn't ask Andrea first, because I thought it would be okay (since we do this all the time). But I realized as soon as I did it that that was pretty rude. Why am I so socially inept? I hate this about myself. Anyway, I told Andrea, and she hasn't replied. She didn't read the message, so maybe she's busy, or maybe she's really pissed and doesn't even want to deal with me. I don't know. Why do I do these things? I guess I'll find out what the situation is later. Well, even if Andrea doesn't go, I can still go with Natalie, and we can create enough good energy that Andrea will be put back in a good mood (fingers crossed). 

(Ed: Andrea just texted back that this all sounds good, so everything worked out after all. Thank goodness, and bless the kindness and understanding of my lovely friends.)

Here's another example of how I fuck everything up: I made plans with my Sigma (my nickname for Potential Bae because I don't want my family to know her name or gender- although I guess they do now) to meet up over break. And I was really excited, okay, like heart flutters and everything. And I was pretty sure I could get a ride, because my mom is willing to drive me to meet other friends (eg Cesar), as long as there's something for her to do too, and of course I would make sure there was. It's not like we'd be doing anything inappropriate (although I wouldn't mind if we did) (no stop it Maria), so my mom could even stick around and chat with us. We're interesting, you know! So we decided we would meet this week, and it was all beautiful. But then I came out, and now my mom's mad at me, and she won't drive me anywhere, especially to meet my Sigma, because she doesn't want me to Get the Gay Goin'. Which. I sort of get it; it's a shock, and she has every right to be upset (now matter how strange it seems to me that this would be something unacceptable). People can't help how they were raised, and she has been doing a good job in overcoming her internal biases in many areas (I mean, I thought it would be okay to come out in the first place, and that's saying something). Also, I feel like if she'd been paying a little more attention to me, she would have seen the signs. But then again, maybe not. A lot of people think I'm straight. No matter what, though, it still makes things really inconvenient for me. I don't want to disappoint my Sigma! I don't like canceling plans if I can help it anyway, especially on such short notice, and it's doubly worse because this girl is so important to me, and I don't want to mess things up. I feel sort of like a knight with her lady, like I want to wear her favor and fight battles for her and do everything I can to make her happy and all that. Which is hilarious, really, because I'm always the princess in all my relationships. Everything's all flipped now. To quote the smash hit Broadway musical Hamilton, the world's turned upside down. (And it was changed in just one burst of light too)

(Wait, does that make me Marius? No way, I refuse. Also, everyone knows I'm Cosette anyway.)

What was I saying, though? Oh yeah. So I really don't see a way out of this. I'll just tell the truth and shame the devil (such a fun expression), because I don't lie and I don't know how to lie, and I would never lie to her anyway, and she'll hate me, and everything will be ruined. Which is, you know, not so great.

On the plus side, at least my mom won't have to see me get into a Gay Relationship.

Ugh. Why am I such a fuck-up? I'm awful. I think I've messed up everything good in my life. Maybe it's survival of the fittest? Like, because I can't stop being stupid, I deserve to be unhappy? But I can't accept that as a universal law. Stupid people deserve happiness too. So it must just be me, but I can't accept that either, because I refuse to go down the path of othering myself again. I won't be a hypocrite, not now that I've worked so hard to overcome it. So, I don't know. What can I say? Maybe there's no system of retribution at play at all; it's just chaos and fatalism and my ridiculous stupidity, all working together on the cosmic level to ensure that I make the worst decisions possible. Sounds about right, actually. Heaven have mercy on my poor stupid soul.

This is so bad

I feel like if my life were a tv show (which it might be; I'm not ruling out that possibility), I feel like I would be that character who's always looking at the camera, or rolling her eyes, or turning away going /yikes/ and I would be the least popular person ever. Well, okay that's not accurate, because there are many other tv tropes that I would fit much better, and that would be much more illustrative of my character, and none of them are the Straight Man because that just Isn't Me (also, nothing about me is straight). Believe me, I've thought about this extensively. But anyway, right now, I feel like I'm sort of doing that right now. My family brings it out of me, especially Xander. Here's an incomplete list of things he's done today:

•argued that racism isn't always bad

•said that race-mixing is a terrible phenomenon that has come from our neo-liberal society, and should be prevented at all costs

•argued for the merits of the Nostalgic Past

•tried to "advise" us not to talk about our mental (or physical) health problems

•told us that we shouldn't try to destigmatize our issues this way

•got extremely offended when we tried to explain our point of view and made dinner really uncomfortable

•continued to be offended and scream throughout the entire meal

•pulled the good old "why are you trying to fight with me I didn't do anything wrong you guys can't even handle some constructive criticism what's wrong with you" thing

•talked about himself for a solid hour and changed the subject back very angrily whenever it got off topic

•told my mom that he's very angry at her because of the abuse she's suffered, and he blames her for it

•said insulting things about the girl he's Talking To and said he's only talking to her because she's "below his level" and thus attainable.

•voiced his decision to leave said girl after stringing her along.

•currently, he's having a Deep Conversation with Mom, and I feel uncomfortable even out here in the other room.

So. Yikes.

This is only him, by the way. There's a whole other can of worms when it comes to everyone else, and that isn't much better. Fortunately, Dad is out in Pennsylvania, and things are much better with him gone, but things are still pretty bad now.

Talia is constantly angry and depressed, and she's in an abusive relationship, which is terrible, but we can't do anything, of course. Hell, we can barely even talk to her, because unless we're telling her exactly what she wants to hear, she gets mad and pouts and stomps and says nasty things to anyone and everyone. I love her dearly and I would do anything for her, but she often acts like a spoiled child, and I can't deny that. 

Anselm is cut off from the world. He's always working out or on the computer, and he doesn't talk at all. It's weird- I hardly know anything about him. Today, I asked him something, and he said point-blank that he has no opinions, and that's true. He doesn't care. But that doesn't mean he doesn't understand; he sees much more than he lets on, and I'm worried that he's bottling everything up. He's a little spoiled too, not like Talia, because he does understand that he has to do things he doesn't want to, and that other people don't have to like what he's doing, but in that he doesn't know how to fend for himself. He's fifteen years old, and he doesn't even know how to do laundry, for goodness' sakes.

(I admit, some of this stuff is my fault. I spoil the kids, I think, because I want them to be cared for, but I'm pretty sure I'm enabling them.)

Mom is the other child in the house right now. Not physically, no, just emotionally. It's not her fault, and I don't blame her, and of course I'm not going to stop being her emotional caretaker, but it's indisputable. It's been easier with Dad gone, but it's still a bit difficult at times. 

Especially now. I'm an idiot, and this is all my fault because I shouldn't have expected anything more, let's be clear about that first of all. But I'm still irrationally mad about it.

I decided that the time had come for me to come out, so I did. I tried to ease into it over a couple of days, and I was matter-of-fact and patient and everything, but Mom got mad at me and barely spoke to me the whole day (even though she didn't explode or anything, and was ostensibly nice about it). Then we talked about it later, and she was still mad at me, but she was okay with talking calmly. To outer appearances, she reacted well, but I could tell she was mad, and that makes me feel worse, because am I overreacting? Maybe I'm just being too greedy. But then again, why do I have to beg for scraps? I deserve unconditional acceptance, don't I? She discounted my experience with the whole "this is hard for me too, you know" thing, and she told me that me being bisexual is worse than her separation/divorce. And I don't know, that was painful. Maybe I'm making too big a deal out of it, but I wasn't happy about it. Then, of course, I had to go back to my Mom Mode, and be all reassuring and everything, and it's stupid and selfish, but I kind of want someone to reassure me? I'm always expected to be strong and resilient, and I guess I am, but it gets old sometimes. 

You know, after I told her, her first reaction was "but what will people think of us?" followed closely by "what if we lose all our violin students?" and then she told me not to get into a relationship, and that if I came out to other people, everyone would hate me and I would become something of a social pariah. And yes, I know this is all true (or possibly true), but I also am sort of skeptical, because my mom cares /way/ too much about what other people think. She's a chronic people-pleaser, to the detriment of other things, and it's not inconceivable that she's blowing this out of proportion. On the other hand, I'm fairly naive, and I might be thinking naively. And I freely admit this. But I don't know. I want to talk to someone about this, but I'm scared. It's not exactly a progressive place, my town, and I don't think I would get very good advice no matter where I went. And of course, I'm not out to most of my friends, so I wouldn't ask them. Besides, when do I ever bother people with my personal problems? I can't.

(I thought writing this out would help me make sense of things, but I don't think it did. It was worth a try, I suppose.)

I wish I weren't constantly Filled with Despair. I feel like I'm wasting my break this way. And of course, time keeps on passing and passing, and I'm wasting my life, and it's all going away. It's times like these that I think more about dying. I can't, I know this, but I want to, and it's difficult to motivate myself to do anything when nothing matters anyway, and it's not going to do any good. Everything's so painful under my skin, and when it's not painful, it's itchy, and I want to be gone. Out of this life, out of life in general, I don't know- I don't even know if it matters. I just want to get away. (But will anywhere be better than here?)

I might go to bed soon, I'm not sure. I'm sort of sleepy, but more than that, I feel really twitchy, and like I can't stand anything, and if I can get to sleep, then at least I won't have to experience things. I've slept a lot today, but a little more can't hurt. We have an early morning tomorrow, too, since there's a special Christmas breakfast at the homeless shelter and we're going again. So I should rest up for that.

Romantic Fatigue

(that's a Frank Turner song)
ALL RIGHTY
WHO WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT MY SOCIAL LIFE
YOU DO
Okay! So, as we all know, Ling 20 was pretty boring, but I did meet someone there, a lovely girl who was in my discussion, and we exchanged numbers on the last day of class, and we've been talking ever since. Now! The issue is that I don't know if we're talking as friends, or if we're Talking~ (you know). She's very nice, and we use many emojis, and I'm very flirtatious and she doesn't seem to mind, but then again, I'm sort of flirtatious with everyone? Maybe she thinks it's normal. I don't know! Anyway! We went out today, and I will tell you All About It.
I wanted to get pretty, so I changed about fifteen times, but then I was about five minutes late. And I don't think I apologized for it, because I was too blown away by how pretty she looked, and I was nervous, and ugh. So we greeted each other, and she was all nervous and blushy and it was cute. Then we went to a little Thai restaurant and got food! And it was a little awkward? I'm not sure if it was me, or what, because I really was nervous and stuff, Anyway, neither of us ate much. She paid though! Then we went to see the movie (which she also paid for), and it was So Good! It's called Carol, and it's based off a novel called The Price of Salt. It was SO amazing, and I was spellbound the entire time, so if she tried to hold my hand or anything, I wouldn't have known. So then we Uber-d back, and we were sort of quiet? I don't know if she was tired, or not having fun, or what. But then we got back and she asked if I had to go, and I have my big problem set to finish, so I did have to. And we said goodbye and all, but she didn't kiss me? Like, the entire time, I was willing her to, like sending out kiss me kiss me kiss me thought rays, but she didn't go for it, and I didn't go for it either, because I wasn't sure if she considered this to be a date or not, and since she didn't, maybe she doesn't? But she did hug me a couple times, and it was really nice, like she gives excellent hugs. Also, her hair smells really nice? Anyway! So she mumbled something, and I wasn't sure what she said, and I was nervous, so I just smiled and agreed, and maybe she asked if this was a date, because she seemed kind of nervous, but maybe she didn't, and I have no idea. Why didn't I just ask what she said? Why? Maria no :(
So, here's another thing! She got me a gift! And I love gifts, okay, I love them, but often people just kind of give me stuff, and it's not really what I would choose for myself. But this one was! She got me a Matisse coloring card set from the Hammer museum, and she put in a sweet letter, and in the letter, she put a postcard of Olympia, which as we all know, is my very favorite painting. And she did all this, just for me! I'm honestly so touched. No one except Natalie has ever given me such a thoughtful present, and Natalie is my best friend. Gosh, I think I fell in love a little bit right there. But this was at the beginning of our date/not date, and maybe afterwards she wished she hadn't? Because I'm pretty charming over text, but I think I'm kind of annoying in person, and she probably lost interest. I mean, okay. I kept twirling my hair and smiling and not knowing what to do with my hands (or body in general), and my voice is so squeaky, and I'm just such a Barbie doll, but not in a good way, and I kept agreeing with everything she said (I mean, what am I supposed to do, though? I did agree). She asked me about my favorite musicals (at which point I fell even more deeply into the Feelings), and I went on a huge rant about the symbolism in Les Mis and why Cosette represents light and hope, and how Enjolras and the others are so relevant to the struggles of today's society, and then I got embarrassed so I started talking about Hamilton, and then that turned into a long rant about social justice, and just UGH. Why am I like this? She listened the entire time, though, which I thought was terribly polite. She's so sweet, and so adorable and smart and pretty and wonderful, and I'm such a bagel, and I feel like I scared her off or weirded her out or something. I mean, I'm pretty, but that's basically all I have going for me, because I'm kind of an asshole, and I'm kind of annoying to be around, so unless she just wants me for my body, we're out of luck.
Anyway, so I texted her after I got back to my dorm, because that's my rule for the end of a date, like if someone takes me out, I text them afterwards, okay, I wasn't raised in a barn. But I wasn't sure how mushy I should be, so my text could be interpreted as Gal Pal. But she texted back, and it was nice, but also kind of Gal Pal. So we texted back and forth a little bit, but then I got a little sweet~ with my text thanking her for her gift (and OLYMPIA!), and she hasn't replied, and I feel like I scared her off. She probably had a terrible time, and I'm just being a Cishet Boy. Help :( You know, this just goes to show how terrible I am at relationships. If I don't really care about the outcome, I'm pretty smooth, but right now, I feel like a high school freshman all over again. Does she like me, or does she like like me? Maybe I should straight-up ask her if she considers this a date, because then we'll be clear. Oh gosh, I'm scared to do that, though! Because what if she doesn't? Oh no. See, this is the problem with living in such a hetero-patriarchal society. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm on equal ground. (which makes me problematic, yes, I know)
Okay, enough of this for now, though. I need to do my problem set. Goodnight!