I hate to say it, but I am one of the Creepy People of whom I am so afraid. (They do always say that you will become the thing you fear the most, don't you?) Why do I say this? Well. It's simple. You see, I had a Gay Dream about one of my suitemates, and now I have a sort-of-not-quite-almost-there crush on her. And the poor girl is just trying to go about her life, trying to live as I am, not even thinking that in her own home, there is a tiny gay admirer, admiring her gaily. Oh, what can I do? I try not to look at her, because I don't want to be creepy, or perpetrate whatever the girl version of the male gaze is (which, I don't think that really exists, but I'm still afraid of it, okay, I Am Still Afraid), but she's very pretty, and I am Very Sapphic. Also, she's so cute? Like, her personality is totally adorable. Oh no, stop it Maria. No being creepy now.
Like, okay, when I like a guy (I mean, it happens in theory okay), I don't really worry about if I'm objectifying him or not, because 1.) I know I'm not, and 2.) the idea of a Female Gaze isn't a cultural thing that we need to worry about in general (in some cases, of course, just not as a widespread phenomenon, I mean we're not laboring under the oppressive thumb of the Matriarchy here). So it's okay and stuff. And if I see a hot guy in public, I can freely be all "ooh heLLO there sunshine wanna GO" (and then not do anything about it, because that's so much trouble), but then if I see a hot girl, at first I'm like "oouuuhhhHHHH" but then I'm like "nooooOOO" because I don't want to contribute to the systematic oppression of women! Do you see my problem? Gosh, it's so difficult. I am creepy merely by existing, which puts me on the same level as GamerGate fans and Bronies and Donald Trump, and that's a level that I'd really rather not share, if I had my way.
Hmm, but then this brings up an interesting question. Do I think that other women-loving-women are creepy? I do not! I would never say that (unless they were actually being creepy), so does this mean that I am being hypocritical again? Probably. How bad. I must stop.
Speaking of romance, DD hasn't texted me since Thursday. Do you think he telepathically sensed my internal mockery of him and retreated in hurt silence? Or could he have found my personal tumblr, where I post not-internal mockery? Oh dear, oh dear. Whatever shall I do?
Nothing, that's what. This takes care of my problem quite nicely.
Oh! Okay, so in my Korean class, there's this guy who's really quite spry, and he invited me to study Korean with him today, but I was busy lying on the couch wallowing in existential dread and misery, so I didn't reply. But should I have? Granted, I don't really need to study Korean, especially with other people, but maybe it would have been a good thing to do. Oh dear me! Maybe I should reply tomorrow, be all "oops sorry I just got your text! haha let's have a study date soon ;) " or something. Wait no, but that's not really the outcome I want. HELP. Why am I so socially awkward? I really think I need to go to finishing school or something. (Tangentially: whenever I hear "finishing school" I picture a whole bunch of daintily dressed girls fighting people, and a head professor person going "FINISH HIM" and that just goes to show you the deep and uncultured recesses of my mind) But what was I saying? Ah, yes. What will I do? Will he grow to hate me? (Probably not tbh; I'll just wear a lot of makeup on Monday) Social interactions are always so difficult :( This is why I can never grow up to be a politician.
My back really hurts. This might be because I've been lounging on the couch all day, and it might not, but I do know that the only time I left the apartment today was to go get food with Shezereh. It was surprisingly chilly out there. Maybe fall is finally on its way.
PUNKIN SPICE Y'ALL
I think I'm going to go to Westwood tomorrow. I'll bring my laptop and my headphones and sit myself right down to have a grand old time studying. I'll finish up that syntax chapter that I needed to read, and do my problem set for Ling 20, and maybe I'll print out the IRS request form for NAMI and do that too, and it'll just be swell and dandy. I'm actually very excited about this. Maybe I can even go a whole day without being hit on! (LOL no that's not going to happen) In order to facilitate this, I think I'm going to get up semi-early. Like, 11. (It's not sad that I have to set my alarm for that, right?) Then I can go and get some coffee and finally not have a headache, and it'll be truly magnificent. Oh. Wait. I hope I have enough money to buy a coffee, actually. Last I checked, I only had about 3 dollars in my wallet. Hmm, I wonder if I can pay with change?
A cheer to the joys of college life!
Probably, I should get my happy little self off to bed. Sure, I slept a ton today, but a little more sleep never hurt anyone, right? And it's been proven that night sleep is much better than day sleep. Oh, but that only applies to night sleep before 2 (and especially before 12). So maybe this will be equivalent to day sleep after all. Hmm, actually that raises an interesting question. At what point does the sleep effectivity begin to decline? Is it steady? Gradual? Does it decrease exponentially each hour after 2AM? And is it steady up until then? These are answers I must seek!
Oh gosh. Will my suite mate think I was waiting up for her if I go to bed now? She just came back and went to bed, and if I go to bed now, maybe she'll think "oh there's that Maria again, being all creepy on my (extremely attractive) ass, better not ever interact with her ever again." Which is okay, of course, because she has her own agency and can freely interact with me however she wants. But I don't want to be creepy. You know, I'm pretty sure most people aren't as afraid as I am of coming off as creepy (what a complexly parsed sentence). Maybe that means that I truly am creepy, because we fear the thing that is most true. Wait. No. That can't be right. I don't think we fear the thing that's most true at all. For one, I fear a lot of things, and I have seen from empirical evidence that most of them are indeed not true. For another thing, isn't that kind of a victim-blaming mentality? I mean, I'm not a victim, but for other people, like what if a bipolar person was terrified of being manipulative and toxic? That wouldn't mean that they were, and to say that they were just because of their (possibly misplaced) fears would be truly wrong. So I think that's a terrible mindset.
I'm glad we've gotten that settled.
Okay, so I think I really will go to bed now. I'm a little sleepy (I think?) and if not, I can play Candy Crush or go on tumblr, or look at pictures of myself like the flagrant narcissist that I am until I get sleepy. It will be A-Okay. Goodnight, then!
No comments:
Post a Comment