Jiwon is leaving us today, and it's so sad! She's going back to Korea for the rest of this year, and then coming back in fall quarter of 2015. It's really tragic! We're all going to miss her, and I wish she could stay, but then again, this means she'll graduate with me and Irene, so that's cool, and I'm glad she gets to go see her family. But I wish she would stay.

I'm sick right now. It's to the point that I can't talk, and the best I can do is sort of croak quietly and pathetically from my bed. I feel bad for being so lazy, but part of me is also pleased at this turn of events, because it gives me an excuse to not get up, not go out, and not eat. If I had an unlimited phone battery, I would be all set! As it is though, I had to finally arise and plug in my phone, because it was dying, and now I'm cold and sad, and Sadie is playing Christmas music, which should help, but really doesn't. Also, now I can't watch Netflix or anything, and that's something that would improve the day slightly. Cesar is being unnervingly nice to me, and he wants to visit tomorrow, which probably won't happen, him being who he is, but it's all slightly unsettling. Really, I just want to go home, and not have to deal with any of this. I would make a cup of tea, and settle down with a book or maybe a musical, and forget about people and cold weather and communicable diseases for as long as no one disturbed me. Although to be fair, someone would probably be just as likely to interfere at home as here. So that's all a bit of a pipe dream. But it's something to look forward to anyway, because what have we in this life if not hope?

This is a completely miserable finals week, may I just say. Even if I weren't sick and on my period, I would still have had two finals and a paper due on Monday, and then absolutely nothing until Friday. This is the worst. I hate having nothing to do! Can you believe I have two more days like this? But maybe worse, because Sadie will be done with her first final by then, and will want to party with her annoying friends, and then I'll feel like the requisite awkward person of the floor (which I'm really not, like I'm at UCLA for goodness sakes, I haven't seen this many dorks in one place since I went to Anime Expo, but anyway). And then it will just be downhill from there! Maybe they will invite me, and then I'll awkwardly refuse, and feel even more awkward, and just, ugh. Why does everything have to be so awkward? It's only with Sadie though. Maybe we're just not meant to get along. Although apparently, she's an ENTP, which shouldn't be too bad with my INTP, but I suppose one never knows. Even Meyers-Briggs can fail sometimes. 

My stomach is making a lot of noise right now, and it's fairly embarrassing, but I don't want to go eat. It's really cold outside, and I don't want to go to the dining hall, and there's really nothing that I feel like eating, so I'm basically just stuck with a noisome esophagus here. Ugh. Why does everything have to be so annoying? I feel gross and irritated and uncomfortable and bored, and worst of all, my hair looks super nasty at the moment. And I can't talk! This is not a happy day for me.

Oh, bless Jiwon! She just brought back a box of strawberry macarons from the cafe, and gave some to me and Sadie. Now I've eaten food, so I don't have to feel guilty, and also, that was a truly delicious pastry. Maybe I should get some more on my own later. Although no, sugar is supposed to be detrimental for sickness, isn't it?

Not a good night

What did you do this summer?
I went to a mental hospital.
Really, what for, volunteering or visiting?
No, I WENT there. For anorexia.


...oh.

I'm so tired of not being able to answer the simplest questions. Or at least, not being able to answer them truthfully. I'm tired of hiding this whole other part of myself, the sick part, the scared part, the (sometimes) suicidal part. I try so hard to be the glittery little princess all the time, but at this point, I'm not sure if that's who I really am, or if I'm just compensating for the lack of anything attractive inside me. Because, let's face it, there is nothing attractive inside me. And that is what I'm sick of, more than having to pretend all the time, since you know if I didn't have anything wrong with me, I wouldn't have to pretend in the first place.
It disgusts me how wrong I am, how defective. I'm like a prototype gone wrong– someone messed up my assembly in the factory, and now I'm just a faulty bit of machinery, whirring helplessly around until the inevitable end. I'm so sick of it! I'm sick of needing medication in order to be able to function, and even then sometimes not being able to function anyway. I'm sick of not having any interest in things I love, and of not having the attention span to read academic articles anymore. How long has it been since I last looked up econ stuff? Don't think I'm not ashamed of it, either. Not an hour goes by that I'm not feeling ashamed of something that I can't help, but my mind is halfway-convinced that I can. You're supposed to be smart, why can't you figure out a way to feel better? Don't be so anxious, why are you so anxious all the time? You're ridiculous. And why didn't you eat today? Do you think it's cool and edgy or something? Trust me, no matter what anyone wants to say to me, I've already been there myself. I'm sick of it! I want to be normal so badly. All I want is to be able to function in everyday life up to the best of my ability, like other people do, like I should be able to do. I'm sick of taking the long way around campus so I don't have to see crowds of people, and of sitting in a crowded lecture hall frozen in panic, and of having my heart pounding so loudly in the elevator that it seems like everyone in the building should be able to hear it. I'm sick of turning down invitations because I can't make myself go out, and of pushing away the people I care about because I'm afraid they hate me. I'm sick of feeling my stomach tighten in dread every time I hear my roommates' keys in the door, and of cringing every time I hear voices in the hall. Why can't I be more normal? I feel so ashamed all the time, even when I do interact with people, like if it goes well, why can't you do this all the time? and if it goes not so well, why are you trying to have any pretensions of normalcy, you freak of nature? Either way, I can't win– just like the best of the Romantic poets, I have a response to every argument, except those against myself.
Now that I think about it, it's strange– I have excellent self-control, I mean it was so good it led me all the way to the hospital– but nowadays, it seems like I can't apply it. I can't even make myself get out of bed sometimes, for goodness' sakes. Mind over matter: I should be able to control my emotions, or at the very least, my thoughts. But it's so hard! I'm sick of being sick, and I'm sick of hiding the fact that I'm sick. Nothing's as it should be, not for me, not anymore.

What did you do this summer?
Not much, just the usual.
Cool.

Eustacia

So I went to take a shower, and when I came back into my room, looking like a cross between a drowned rat and a swamp monster, Irene and Jiwon were there, which I ordinarily wouldn't mind, but they were having a very heartfelt discussion with Sadie, which Sadie made abundantly obvious was secret. I dried my hair and got dressed, and then I grabbed my laptop and phone and some nail polish and left, mumbling some vague excuse about having to touch up my manicure. Which wasn't a lie; my nail beds were looking fairly dreadful, but it's not totally the truth either. I mean, what am I supposed to do in that situation? It feels like I'm an interloper in my own room, and it's horribly awkward. You know, this feeling has only been growing as the quarter's gone on. I thought I was doing better, but apparently not. More often than not, Irene or Jiwon will belatedly share something with me that everyone else knows already, which reflects well on them, but not on the larger society. All I am is an outsider in their special little circle. I mean, more than half the people in my hall don't even know my name. And when they do greet me, I have the distinct feeling that it's just out of pity. At least, I get that feeling with Sadie's friends. You know, I have the distinct impression that she doesn't like me, and I have no idea why that should be. I'm a nice person, I swear! I'm quiet and polite, and I clean up after myself, and I smell good, and I'm friendly 100% of the time, and I don't sulk (visibly), and I'm thoughtful of other people always! By the way, may I just say that none of this goes for her? She acts like a spoiled baby, and even Jiwon has noticed. But where was I? Oh yeah, apparently she complained to Eric that I sleep way too much. And okay, I guess by her standards, I do. But what the hell, I'm not bothering anyone! Why should that upset her? To be honest, this bothers me more than it should, probably because I feel guilty about it myself. This week, I missed a majority of my classes, because I couldn't make myself get out of bed, and I know that's a problem, okay, you don't need to tell me that. But man, I feel like there's a rock sitting on my chest preventing me from getting up. Even getting up at 1:30 (as I did once) is a struggle. Another issue is that I can't stay asleep for very long, so the amount of actual rest I get during the night is much lower than one might think, and I'm obliged to make up for it in the morning (although I can't stay asleep then either). A lot of the time I spend lying in my bed is not spent asleep; I'm either trying to fall back to sleep, or trying to persuade myself to get up and face the day. But, I concede, to Sadie's eyes, it does look like I'm just a slug. Again though- why does this bother her? I'm not sure how much more unassuming I could be. It really is bad though, and believe me, I hate myself for it. I am in no way using mental illness as an excuse. If someone were to do that for me, in fact, I would disagree with them and argue that I'm just lazy. No one can be a harsher critic of me than me, okay? I just don't see why it's anyone's business whether I'm sleeping or not, as long as I don't get in their way. Which brings me back to the original question: why doesn't Sadie like me? I'm likable! And I've never done anything to her (or at least that I know of)! People have disliked me before, but that was because they thought I was a giggly dumb-blonde valley girl, and honestly, that doesn't bother me, because it's just the facade that I project, and it's not really me, you know? But this, this is someone objecting to me, the real me, the person whom she lives with and sees in all her human glory. If I were in the right state of mind, I might take it as a compliment that my personality is strong enough to garner dislike, but I'm not in the right state of mind tonight. Everything is terrible right now; the lack of justice in the world, the fact that worms come out on the sidewalk only to die in the rain, the cancellation of Firefly, everything. If my nails turn out badly, you can bet I'll be depressed about that for hours. I'm miserable, and even if I feel better tomorrow, I have to get there first. What can I do tonight? I just want to curl up in my bed and watch Rent until I fall asleep, but obviously that's not an option for me. I have to stay down here in this room for another few hours, and even then, I won't want to go back upstairs. What if I just slept in this room? It's deserted, and behind two sets of heavy doors, so no one will come in to disturb me, probably. On the downside, that means if I do get attacked, no one will be on hand to help. So that's a consideration. You know, I'm very lucky that I know about this room. Irene and Jiwon and Eric and Cruz and I found it one night when we were looking for a quiet place to study. No one really comes here, except, unfortunately, isolated large groups of very loud and officious people, but they only come seldom, and as you can see, they are not here tonight. So that is one thing for which I can be grateful, I mean how terrible would it be to be stuck outside my room with no place to go? But to be honest, I would trade possession of this room tonight for the chance to inhabit my own dorm and nurse my sorrows in peace. I think I need to find some new coping mechanisms that require no accoutrements and that I can perform anytime and anyplace. Not only would that help me in a situation like this (which I foresee as becoming more and more common as this year goes on), it would also help me in the many bouts of despondency I engage in throughout the course of the day. So what shall it be? Oh I wish I knew! If I did, maybe I wouldn't feel so wretched all the time. Anyway, how long should I stay down here? I want them to be asleep when I go up, so I won't have to deal with them, but if I stay up too late, I won't be able to wake up on time for my 10:00 discussion tomorrow (that I have to go to because I skipped the one today) (talk about shooting yourself in the foot). So I'm not sure what's a good time. Sadie goes to bed pretty early, usually around 1, and Irene will have gone back to her own room by that time, since she, unlike some people, is considerate, and Jiwon usually stays up studying and watching Netflix, but that doesn't really matter. She will understand. So if I stay here another hour, I should be fine. Problem is, what am I going to do for that hour? Candy Crush only gives five lives at a time, after all. Well, there's always tumblr. All right, let's do this I guess. But part of me can't help thinking it would be easier to just go up to the tenth floor and jump out the window. No no, I can't think like that. I get to choose what stays in my head, and I don't want that in there. I can get through any difficulties I face, because I'm resilient and brave and also I look really good with winged eyeliner. If I'm going to be the requisite outcast of the floor, at least I can be glamorous. I'm going to go all Eustacia Vye from now on, except I'll stick with Damon and not go for Clym. (Unless this is a crossover and Sydney Carton appears, in which case I'm definitely going for him) but you know, Eustacia is beautiful and smart and sophisticated, and I could do much worse than be her. I've always loved her, after all. So maybe this new role of mine won't be too bad. Okay, let's go. Get it gurl!

Happy December 1st!

I just downloaded the iPhone app for this, so now I can mobile blog to my heart's content. Which is excellent, because there are many times throughout the course of my life in which I wish to share a witty remark with the world at large, and now everyone can partake of my charming and hilarious banter at any time. Isn't it splendid? Yes it is! But do you know what's not splendid? Several of the good folks in my hall, including my roommate Sadie, have elected to hold a very noisy cocktail party right outside my door. I'm not studying, but if I were, dear me, I would be incensed. As it is, I merely feel rather ashamed to not be partaking in the glorious chatter and hilarity going on outside. At least Jiwon is with me to keep me company in my solitude here. Maybe I can persuade her to watch some Broadway musicals with me. Oh dear, oh dear, what's to be done? I feel like Heathcliff, and that's not at all pleasant! I would rather be Elizabeth Bennett. Shall I march myself on out to the hallway and join in the discussion with a hearty will? Maybe they would accept me fondly as one of their own. But no, I have a pressing obligation to finish watching The Two Towers, and I can't shirk my duty. Just call me Sam; I'm a paragon of responsibility. Besides, now I can fall asleep at an obscenely early hour, and all will be well. Goodnight now!