Ugh

I have class tomorrow morning at 7:30, and I need to go to bed, but I feel absolutely ill, and there's no way I can get to sleep anyway, so I might as well stay up for a little bit. This is seriously the worst. How do people even live, I have no idea, because I honestly can't remember the last time I was happy, and haven't had a plan (or one, or two) for dying, if I ever hit the point where I couldn't take it anymore. Living, just plain, simple living, is such a chore for me, even just existing is such a struggle. And it's ridiculous, because I'm so low that even the tiniest little things push me into a place where I can't reasonably function, which is so embarrassing and so bad, but I can't seem to do anything about it. We had our second test in chemistry today, and I messed up really badly and got an 85%, which doesn't seem like too much of a catastrophe, because I have like 100% in everything else, but it's really bothering me right now. It's just a B, but I feel like I should give up now, which is ridiculous, and I know it's ridiculous, but I can't stop. This happens every time I don't get an A on something; it's happened ever since the start of last semester, and it's the worst thing ever. Being a perfectionist is one thing, but this is just unhealthy. However, I can't fix my way of thinking, so it's likely to go on until I'm out of grad school. Used to be, I could accept failure a lot better than this. In high school, I was sort of persnickety, but I wouldn't lose sleep over a C on an assignment or two. Nowadays, even an A- will bother me for days on end. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. While I was walking to the cafe from work this afternoon, I took a wrong turn, and that's something I do practically every day, so I should be used to it, but it legitimately rattled me today. Do you see what I mean? It's like, if I do anything that's not perfectly correct, it makes everything atrocious. Right now, I'm feeling disgusting and fat because I ate half a pear in the afternoon, and I always promise myself that I'm not going to eat if I can help it (I know how unhealthy that is, don't even start). Tell me, how am I supposed to go on like this? Everything is way more difficult than it should be– getting out of bed, going to class or to work, talking to people– most days, even the minimum is more than I can do. If I manage to be a good student in class and a good intern at work, you can be sure I'll be useless later. And I feel so bad, because it's horrible to treat people with less kindness just because of what I'm feeling, but it's so incredibly hard to maintain a sweet demeanor when all I want to do is die. I'm almost always irritated now, and I do hide it most of the time, but it makes me feel like a really bad person, and of course that doesn't help anything. Basically, everything is terrible.
I really don't want to go to class tomorrow. How am I supposed to face the world when I'm such a failure? Logically, I know that avoiding things because they're hard is just going to make everything worse, but at this point, I could take this life or leave it, and logic doesn't have as much effect on me as it should, or as it used to. There's such a disconnect between my head and my emotions now, and I hate it. But seriously though, what do I have to look forward to tomorrow? There's absolutely nothing, and that's a pretty depressing feeling, let me tell you. We have CKC, which I dread with every fiber of my being, and I have lab, and before that, I have to sit through the vagaries of lecture, which would be difficult for a stronger person than me, and basically, ugh. When do things get better? They're supposed to, aren't they? Everyone says they do. But I feel like that's a lie that they all tell themselves so they can keep going. Really, where could it possibly go from here? No matter how hard I try, I can't see any way that life can be more bearable. I think I need help, and that's all there is to it. Or maybe not. Maybe I should be able to do this all by myself. I guess I should. That's the only way I can really fix things anyway. Although, again, I don't believe that I actually can fix things, so I don't know what's going to happen. But whatever it is, I can be sure of one thing– it's going to suck.