Every time I come on here, I feel terrible. The NSA is going to visit me to see if I need cheering up or something. What even is wrong with me? There's nothing wrong with me at all! I just feel bad for no reason. Ugh, I'm such a gross excuse for a human being. I have to get over this, because it's getting ridiculous and out of hand. Three separate people want to meet up with me today, and I can't bring myself to get in contact with any of them to turn them down. Well, actually, I can't turn one of them down, because I said I'd help him with his writing (unfortunately, it's my clingy Korean friend, whom I've named Opera Boy) (though he's not really a boy, technically speaking, since he's 28 years old). But the other two, man. I just need to send a quick text, and I'll be okay, but I can't make myself do it! I don't want to do anything, I really don't. I just want to sit quietly in my room and maybe eat some real food for once, and not have to feel like like this. Okay, I can do this though. I'm going to do this. All right, here we go. Come on.
Okay, that's one down. I texted her, and hopefully she won't reply. The other one's a little harder, cuz the guy doesn't have a phone, so it's all through Facebook, and being the nerds that we are, we communicate in really long Herman Melville-style messages, so in order to turn him down, I have to answer the whole message. I normally wouldn't mind doing this, because he's intelligent and fun to talk to, and I like to read and respond to long emails anyway, but at times like these, I can't bring myself to reply to anyone. This is such a problem! What's wrong with me? I am quite possibly the worst person on earth. Ugh. Okay, I'm going to do this though. I can't just leave him hanging. That's even ruder than turning him down (which is what I'm planning on doing). Should I go, though? He wants to see the symphony concert, and I really do too, and he would be a perfect person with whom to see it, but I'm getting that anxiety feeling in my chest just thinking about it, and I feel like it's not good to do anything when I'm in this state. But then again, I don't want my stupid problems to start getting in the way of my life either! That would just be sad. I'm sad. I'm a pathetic little person. Darn it, this is why I'm not a success at anything (not really). Okay, I'm going to reply. Here we go.
All right, that took awhile, but I did it. I turned him down and I was nice about it, and now I don't have to worry about going out this evening. I'm more proud of myself than I should be; I didn't even do anything worth merit. In fact, I kind of did the opposite. But oh well. What's wrong with me? I have to keep telling myself to breathe, otherwise I start hyperventilating, and it's really bad. I have one of those stress headaches, and I feel like crying, except, as we've already established, I can't cry. And then there's that nasty anxiety feeling in my chest, like there's a constricting pile of heavy coldness (I don't know how else to describe it). This happens to me at least once per day, although sometimes I can stave it off for awhile, and often it's not debilitatingly bad. I've had these attacks of the blues all my life, but they've never been so frequent as they are now. I feel like I'm breaking down, and it's really bad. What if I never get over this? Nothing's even wrong with me! I don't know why this is happening, but I just want it to stop. I want to be normal, oh my goodness.
Okay, so Variations on a Theme by Corelli just came on shuffle, and I just sat here for the entire three minutes and fifty-eight seconds with tears streaming down my face, not even knowing how they got there. It was my favorite thing to listen to when I was at home, and I guess the emotional ties are too strong or something, cuz now every time I hear it, I cry. It's terrible, I love the piece so much, and I want to be able to listen to it, but I don't know if I can. Part of me doesn't want to get over the memories it brings either, because they're so important to me, and even if I can't have that happier time, I want to be reminded of it sometimes (or do I?), and it's nice just to know that it's there. Now Tchaikovsky's violin concerto came on. I think I've expressed my love for this piece before. It stirs some deep pits of emotion in me, even at the best of times, but now it's just making me cry more. Well, not cry, really, I think I'd feel a lot better if I did. I'm just sort of sitting here pathetically sniffling and occasionally wiping my eyes. I'm such a sad specimen. It's really good that no one else is in here with me.
I went to a Bible study with Melissa yesterday, and it was a terrible experience, start to finish. First of all, I had a paper to write for political science (and I still do, but it's due on Sunday, and I can't make myself do anything right now), and a bunch of other stuff to do, and it was cold and rainy, so that didn't endear me to the cause at all. And then there's the whole issue of my inability to function like a normal human being. But I have to live with Melissa, and this is such a little thing, it wouldn't do to tick her off over it, so off I went. The moment I got there, I knew it had been a bad idea. There were hordes of identical-looking blonde football queen types running around, and one brunette, who, strange to say, looked exactly like the rest, and none of them were at all sympathetic. Melissa's been harping on about how nice and how accepting they all are, but of course, they're only nice and accepting to people who are like them (like she is). None of them knew what to do with me. I'm about half a foot shorter than most of them, and I'm Asian (partially), and I was actually shaking (let's just say it was from the cold), and every inch of me just screams "outsider." Of course they wouldn't want to have me in their little enclave! I knew all this, of course, but it didn't stop the anxiety feeling from coming back, and sitting there like a rock, daring me to go out and socialize. Well, you don't mess with Mr. Anxiety Feeling, so there was nothing I could do but sit in one of the uncomfortable chairs they had, trying to make myself smaller, and hope I didn't get some fatal disease from the unhygienic room. Finally, after much deliberation, the study itself started. It was like Chicken Soup for the Prospectively Theological. I mean, I don't know what I expected, really, but I'd been hoping the lesson would make it worth going. I've missed church and Bible studies and all, and I thought it might be nice to go to this one. (Yes, I know, I haven't been making much of an effort to go to church recently, but try to see it from Mr. Anxiety Feeling's perspective, would you, it's stupid, but it's almost impossible to put myself out there). I guess the idea of the lesson was interesting, but I don't think they executed it well. We discussed the very last few verses of Second Timothy, where Paul is basically giving his final peroration, and I know it's important, so that was good to see, but I dunno. The leader kept on talking about how our situations will sometimes be difficult, but unless we respond properly, we'll be bad Christians for not presenting God well. And I guess that's a point, but I don't think the way they presented it to us was very salient. If I'm swamped in work and my family member's sick in the hospital, I'm not going to want to do even more work just to prove that, well, I don't even know what it's supposed to prove, really, just that it's good to do, and it has to be done happily and with a smile, or it means nothing. They also spent a long time discussing why other people slip in their faith, and why that's a problem. This wasn't great to hear for me, because I really feel like I've been slipping, and I want help, not condemnation. Everything's really difficult, I don't know. I'm just having a hard time overall, and I thought, maybe, possibly, this group could be a support system. But that's obviously not going to happen. There's nothing someone like me can depend on, and no one can help me feel better. I know this. It just seems unfair sometimes, that some people can have all the support they want just because of the happy accident of their circumstances, while I'm completely self-reliant. I really want to fall back on someone sometime, you know? But then again, even if someone were willing to be there for me, I wouldn't want to bother them, or be needy or whiny, so I wouldn't say anything anyway. So I guess this is all a bit of a moot point. What on earth is wrong with me? Oh, I am pathetic. I need to get it together.
I need to get food too. I think I feel worse if I'm hungry. But it seems like such an ordeal. Maybe I can get some real food at that cute little cafe. I go there like every week, it's terrible. But it's really nice to be able to eat normal food, and get enough of it, and not have to see anyone! You don't understand. I always look forward to getting nice food at the end of the week, and it's really pretty stupid and ridiculous, but it helps me get through to have some sort of reward for myself. My logic class, going to the library, getting to talk to Austin, and eating food while watching Netflix – that's pretty much all that gives me happiness nowadays. Which is sad. But these things get through, and that's something, isn't it? All righty, I'm going to get food. I'm going to the cafe. I'm getting curry and dumplings and fried rice and I don't know what all. I haven't really eaten since two days ago, since I had dinner with Melissa yesterday, and I can't eat anything of substance with her. I guess I'm feeling a little better, cuz I don't feel sick at the thought of eating, so off I go now. I can do this, it's okay. I'll just get food and then I can watch Supernatural. Melissa's out, so I have the room to myself. Sometimes, the small things in life are the most important.
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