Oh dear.

Oh phooey on the world. I'm so sick of everything. I don't know what I'm going to do about it either. Everything makes me mad, and then I get mad because I'm mad, and then it all goes downhill from there. I might have to go to a community college (CSULB, really, but it's as good as a community college to me), and that erases all chance I have of a future. My summer job is killing my soul, and there's nothing I can do about it, Dad is so obsessed with Bill Deagol that he can barely hold a normal conversation anymore, and he can't stop spending money on random products "Doctor" Bill endorses, Mom is so stressed that I hardly dare talk to her anymore, and I can't get Sungmin to wear deodorant. And I sound like such a whiny first worlder that I'm ashamed of myself for being mad. What is the matter with me? Right now, Mom and Dad are finishing up their dinner, and they're masticating like horses, groaning as if the world is ending between sloppy bites, and I know it shouldn't bother me, but it's my pet peeve, and I'm trying not to tear out my hair. What in the world, oh merciful goodness, I am quite literally a terrible human being. I shouldn't spend so much time reading indignant blogs, but I do, and now I'm almost ashamed to be alive. I mean, check your privilege, bi-atch! I don't think this is the point of equality. OR IS IT? Maybe it's good that I feel that my life is a blot of shame on the face of the earth! Oh bummer, I don't know anymore.
No but like I think I've gotten increasingly paranoid as the years have gone by. I'm eighteen years old and a graduate of high school, shouldn't I not be worried about divine retribution for heretical thoughts anymore? It seems so childish. Yet on the other hand, there could be something in it! It used to be that I would only be petrified at night, when everyone else was asleep, and I was half afraid a serial killer might come in through the window and off me. But now I'm scared at random intervals of the day too! What if I unknowingly commit the unpardonable sin? What if I commit it knowingly? What if I've already committed it? And if I'm struck dead, will I go to hell? SDA folk don't believe in hell, per se though, so at least I don't have to worry about a Dante-style inferno. Man, this seems silly when I write it all out. That won't stop me from lying awake in terror for an hour later tonight though.
While we're on the tack of things that bother me incessantly, what the hell am I going to do about college? I've committed to OSU and CSULB, which is fine, by the way, since colleges don't really care if you drop out at registration, I guess, and PUC is always an option, because I have until like August to make a decision. Anyway, I have my heart set on OSU, or at least as much as I can, since no matter how famous it is, or how well-respected, no one can convince me that it's not just another state school, but I feel pretty sure that I won't be able to go there. I mean, I have a scholarship, yes, and federal loans, and all that, but it's still more than a Cal State. And of course, there are plane tickets to consider, and all that. So I guess what we're asking here is this: Is my pride worth changing the status quo of my family's lifestyle? And of course, the answer is no. No matter how strongly I feel about it, no matter how certain I am that going to a community college will affect me adversely forever, I can't ask them to change a thing. How could I call myself a human being if I did that? It's so wrong, you know? Kitty and Sungmin might have to give up going to the performing arts academy, and they might have to limit violin and cello lessons for awhile. Dad might have to give up jiu jitsu, and really, that's his only outlet. Mom is stressed enough as it is; I couldn't add to that. And most of all, how could we pay for Juilliard for Zac? He didn't get any scholarships. If he had wanted to be self-sacrificing, he could have taken the free ride to USC, but you don't turn down Julliard, and anyway, why should he give up his academic dreams for us? I really shouldn't even be complaining about this. I get to go to college, they even have my major, I get to stay in California, and everyone's happy. Except me. THAT SHOULDN'T MATTER. OH MY GOODNESS. Why am I such a prick? I know it would affect me, though. I graduated in the top ten percent of my class, with all four possible seals on my diploma, and a 4.2 GPA, but I still feel like I don't deserve it just because I had a 3.9 second semester of junior year and didn't get the golden tassel for a universal 4.0. If something that small affects me that much, I just know going to a community college for my BA will drive me crazy. Ohio State certainly is no Byzantium, but it was the only option I could stand. I just sort of felt like this was my way out, I guess. Like, if I wanted to be overdramatic, I'd say it was my last hope. I've never felt like I was qualified to go to college ever since I got rejected from USC (I got into others, of course, but they're out of our price range, and even if they weren't, I wouldn't want to go, and so they don't feel real, you see), and if I went to a Cal State, it would be like the final affirmation that I'm a complete failure. Ohio State was my one chance to make good. It was like my tabula rasa- I could finally get away from the stigma of being the useless one in the family, go to a place where I could build up a whole new life for myself, and finally achieve something. It may be a crappy state school, but it's well known, and it's a real college at least (even if its reputation is based solely on the strength of its football team). I felt like I could get over the ridiculous personal problems I have, and finally do something right. But I can't do that, because it's too expensive. What happens to a dream deferred? It goes to a Cal State, I suppose.