I should be studying or doing homework or something, but instead I'm drinking and trying to think of a reason why I should stay alive until tomorrow. It's harder than you might think. How can I possibly go to class tomorrow and joke around with the boys like nothing's wrong? And it's a lab day too, how am I supposed to get through that normally? I don't think it occurred to me before, but it's so so hard to keep up the pretense of being normal. Does everyone have to work at it so much, I wonder? I don't want to anymore. I'm sick of everything. But I have to. If I fake it 'til I make it, surely I'll make it sometime. Right?
At the moment, I really couldn't care less whether I live or die, and actually, if someone came bursting in through the door telling me that I was an enemy of the state and was now to be executed for treason against the government, I would be in their black van before they even finished pronouncing the sentence. What is there to live for? For me, I mean. I realize that there's so much beauty and goodness in the world that I can't see, and in the abstract, there are infinite reasons for someone to live, but none of that touches me at all. Nothing good will ever happen to me; I'll always be an outlier. I used to have hope, or at least I was beginning to, I think, but I don't know where it went– it's all gone. How can I ever be a functional person if the second I start to heal, I just dip back into fog again? I think I really need help, but I can't even help myself. Maybe I was born to die early (but it wouldn't really be early though, would it, because it would be my time to go). But what would I have accomplished? Everyone has a purpose, don't they? Maybe I don't. That's why I shouldn't be here; I was a mistake, the only person born without a purpose. Oh no, I don't like that. It seems so horribly reductionistic– if you don't have a purpose (dare I say it, a function), you shouldn't be alive. No, I can't believe in that. There's sanctity in all human life. But what about mine, then? According to my own principles, it would be completely tragic and wrong to take my life, but I see so many more pros than cons. I'm such a hypocrite! I preach a good game, but when it comes down to it, I play out something completely different. It's reprehensible, really, and it's horrendous logic too, and, you guessed it, it makes me hate myself even more. But I don't know how to set myself straight. I'm just lost, and I don't have any idea what to do to fix things.
Tomorrow is going to suck big time, but sadly, it's not that different from any other day. Every day is a struggle for me, and I think I'm losing. Maybe I really do need to be on medication. But no, I don't want to go down that path. Surely I can do this by myself. People did in the past. Although many of them killed themselves, now that I think of it. But still. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Friday, I guess I'll see what she says. Honestly, I sort of hope I'm imagining this all though, like for some reason I wanted to be ~special so I invented mental problems for myself, and some professional person can tell me the right thing, and I'll snap out of it. Wouldn't that be nice? Maybe it will happen. I guess I'll find out.

Oh no

So I have a bit of a problem, and I don't really know how to resolve it. It's not a problem in the traditional sense (though given my own personal traditions, it actually is), but a problem it is nonetheless. You see, I seem to have acquired a new man, and though it may seem callous and cold, the truth is I don't really want him. I'm still nearly debilitated by the end of my last relationship, and I'm not in any hurry to enter another one. Besides, I'm certifiably mentally ill; how good a girlfriend could I logically be at this point? But my good buddy doesn't know this, and is anxious to talk to me and hang out with me as much as possible. As he's a nice and gregarious fellow, I don't really mind this, but I don't want to lead him on in any way, so I'm not sure what to do. At the moment, he thinks that we're dating, which I suppose technically we are, since we've been on two dates now, and if it stays like this, it's probably fine, but what if he wants a relationship? And now that I think of it, does he think relationships are different from dating? Oh dear. How do I get out of this one? In all honesty, I shouldn't have let it get this far, but I thought for sure he would be the type of guy who would keep things on the downlow, all casual-like, I mean he uses the word "thottie" unironically for goodness' sake, but as I skyped him one night, I learned that he has only had four girlfriends in his life, and doesn't like anything but serious relationships. Then he informed me that he has told his parents all about me, and they love me already (I'm not sure why they should, but that's another question for another day), and wanted to know (several times) what my family thought of him. It was then that the light began to break and I realized what a mistake I'd made. Tell me, why is it that people love to perpetrate the stereotype of all men being coldhearted, commitment-phobic, side-chick lovin' jerks? In my experience, all of them seem to be at least 75% more touchy-feely than I am. Granted, I'm definitely an outlier (in the words of my dear friend Jade, I am "a complete ice princess"), but I can't be the only girl who acts more stereotypically masculine than her man. Seriously, I would be fine with some low-key chilling, but all these dudes want to get romantic on me, all "oh you should meet my parents and go to dinner with me and I will compose a sonnet on the breath from your lungs like a sunrise shining above the morning star" and like no, okay, calm down there. We cool, man, we cool. Maybe they think that's what I will like? I'm not sure how to disabuse them of that notion, since I've tried telling them, and that doesn't work. I guess men are just super romantic, and that's all there is to it.
So I just got off Skype with the bae, and bless my soul, it's bad, man. He invited me on his family trip to Vegas (hasn't this been done before?) and talked for a good long while about all the things we would do together in the future. And yeah, it's sweet, and it helps me forget that I want to die, but come on, okay, I can't let this go on. He's just so incredibly nice and it makes things so hard! But I know what I have to do. Selfishly, I'm going to wait until chemistry is over for the summer so things won't be awkward (it's only like two more weeks), but after that, he's gotta go. Really, it's for him that I'm doing this. If I didn't care about him at all, I'd just let things progress for my own benefit and screw the consequence. But I genuinely like him (just not like that), so I can't let him be so stupid as to be in a relationship with me. I'll just tell him about my mental health issues, and that should be enough to scare him away. For some misbegotten reason, he thinks I'm a perfectly normal, highly-functioning human being, and he freely complained today about some of his friends being "antisocial" or "emo." Oh, honey, you ain't seen nothin yet. Just you wait two weeks (if I can preserve my facade of normalcy for that long); you got a big ole storm comin. But okay, I'm getting cold feet now. He's such a nice person, and a feminist, and a proponent of human rights and all, what if he accepts me for what I am? Dearie me. Nah, that's not going to happen. No one would want to accept me, like come on. Okay, we good. I'll just let him have it, and this problem will solve itself. In the meantime, I'm not sure what to do though. Everything I do is just leading him on, even unintentionally, but I don't want to make the rest of my chem class terrible! It's hard enough to get out of bed anyway. Besides, I've been there and done that with the everyone-thinks-I'm-the-harlot-of-Babylon routine, and all things considered, I'd rather not go through that again. It could provide many adverse effects for me at this stage of the game! (I bring this up because once I've rejected him, he will undoubtedly go around telling everyone horror stories about me, as people are wont to do) And okay, if I'm being completely honest, it really is comforting to get some sweet lovin' from someone (not physically speaking, although I guess I have to prepare for that possibility as well), even if I don't necessarily feel as he does. Which is horrible, I know, and I can't let things go on this way of course, but I do have to admit the fact. But yeah, this is a bit of a conundrum. I wonder what will happen. Maybe I will fall deeply in love with him after all. Somehow I doubt that, but I should be prepared for every eventuality. However, it's much more likely that this will end messily, and one or both of us will be hurt and angry. Why does this always happen to me? Or rather, why do I always do this? Because there's no way that I'm not the bad guy here. I messed up, and now someone else is going to pay the price, no matter what I do. If I were Catholic, I would go to confession, but as it is, I'll just sit and stew in my own guilt for awhile. How delightful. More on this later, maybe! I need to go to bed. Goodnight!

Ugh

I have class tomorrow morning at 7:30, and I need to go to bed, but I feel absolutely ill, and there's no way I can get to sleep anyway, so I might as well stay up for a little bit. This is seriously the worst. How do people even live, I have no idea, because I honestly can't remember the last time I was happy, and haven't had a plan (or one, or two) for dying, if I ever hit the point where I couldn't take it anymore. Living, just plain, simple living, is such a chore for me, even just existing is such a struggle. And it's ridiculous, because I'm so low that even the tiniest little things push me into a place where I can't reasonably function, which is so embarrassing and so bad, but I can't seem to do anything about it. We had our second test in chemistry today, and I messed up really badly and got an 85%, which doesn't seem like too much of a catastrophe, because I have like 100% in everything else, but it's really bothering me right now. It's just a B, but I feel like I should give up now, which is ridiculous, and I know it's ridiculous, but I can't stop. This happens every time I don't get an A on something; it's happened ever since the start of last semester, and it's the worst thing ever. Being a perfectionist is one thing, but this is just unhealthy. However, I can't fix my way of thinking, so it's likely to go on until I'm out of grad school. Used to be, I could accept failure a lot better than this. In high school, I was sort of persnickety, but I wouldn't lose sleep over a C on an assignment or two. Nowadays, even an A- will bother me for days on end. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. While I was walking to the cafe from work this afternoon, I took a wrong turn, and that's something I do practically every day, so I should be used to it, but it legitimately rattled me today. Do you see what I mean? It's like, if I do anything that's not perfectly correct, it makes everything atrocious. Right now, I'm feeling disgusting and fat because I ate half a pear in the afternoon, and I always promise myself that I'm not going to eat if I can help it (I know how unhealthy that is, don't even start). Tell me, how am I supposed to go on like this? Everything is way more difficult than it should be– getting out of bed, going to class or to work, talking to people– most days, even the minimum is more than I can do. If I manage to be a good student in class and a good intern at work, you can be sure I'll be useless later. And I feel so bad, because it's horrible to treat people with less kindness just because of what I'm feeling, but it's so incredibly hard to maintain a sweet demeanor when all I want to do is die. I'm almost always irritated now, and I do hide it most of the time, but it makes me feel like a really bad person, and of course that doesn't help anything. Basically, everything is terrible.
I really don't want to go to class tomorrow. How am I supposed to face the world when I'm such a failure? Logically, I know that avoiding things because they're hard is just going to make everything worse, but at this point, I could take this life or leave it, and logic doesn't have as much effect on me as it should, or as it used to. There's such a disconnect between my head and my emotions now, and I hate it. But seriously though, what do I have to look forward to tomorrow? There's absolutely nothing, and that's a pretty depressing feeling, let me tell you. We have CKC, which I dread with every fiber of my being, and I have lab, and before that, I have to sit through the vagaries of lecture, which would be difficult for a stronger person than me, and basically, ugh. When do things get better? They're supposed to, aren't they? Everyone says they do. But I feel like that's a lie that they all tell themselves so they can keep going. Really, where could it possibly go from here? No matter how hard I try, I can't see any way that life can be more bearable. I think I need help, and that's all there is to it. Or maybe not. Maybe I should be able to do this all by myself. I guess I should. That's the only way I can really fix things anyway. Although, again, I don't believe that I actually can fix things, so I don't know what's going to happen. But whatever it is, I can be sure of one thing– it's going to suck.