How can a song, just a simple collection of notes, make me feel things like this? I feel like I can transcend time and interact with my younger self, this time with the added background knowledge of what's going on. I'm a character in my own media. Granted, I'm very high, but I think I would feel this way anyway. That post about how what we're into at thirteen has such a marked effect on us for life was really right. I feel like music helped me discover that I had a soul. It would not be an exaggeration to say that for a few years, until my dad restricted my access, music was one of the few things keeping me alive. I didn't know how to express how I felt, and even if I had, I wouldn't have wanted to, since I didn't open up even to my friends or significant others, but bands like MCR could draw it out of me by sort of putting it into words, and holy shit, man. I smoked last night and listened to Helena, and I damn near cried. I did cry when Cancer came on awhile later. I remember listening to The Black Parade for the first time and feeling like there might be something to this whole "life" thing after all, and I wish I could just package up that experience and gift it to people, because wow it's nuts. Anyway, all of this is to say that I have listened to the Summertime that was in the Danger Days, and it was delicious 🌚 so fresh and moist 🌚 Holy shit dude!!!! I really felt it. Summer, 2013. Eighteen, wide-eyed, ready to take on the world. All the parties, the flirtations, the crushes, the nights out, Market Nights in downtown with Talia; adventures with the girls; nights spent in front of a computer when you're finally able to have some solitude, listening to music to keep the scary thoughts away, because although you scoff and try to hide it, you're scared of the dark. You stay up late every night, partially because you can't sleep, and when you try, you usually stay up reciting prayers anyway (isn't it nice to have OCD and religious trauma), but you make the most of it, writing, drawing, reading, studying-- and planning. You're going to do so much, help so many people! You'll be a lawyer, immigration, you're 95% sure, and from then on, it's a path to Supreme Court justice, whence you will right every wrong, oversee legislature to prevent there being any more wrongs, and generally create the kind of global utopia that keeps Republicans lying up at night biting their nails. And the air smells like oranges, and you still have half an iced coffee left, so is it really that bad that you have to fly across the country in two months? And is it bad at all, anyway? The world is open to every possibility, and so are you. Still, that welcome cool night breeze gets chilly sometimes, and you wonder what autumn will bring. You know in your heart that after this, you'll never see some of your friends again. Memories will fade, unrecorded, stories will be forgotten, people will drift apart. No one's life could end in tragedy-- surely not, not us, not our generation-- but there are so many places to go. This last golden summer, this little sliver of in-between life, trap it in amber, keep it forever between the plastic pony beads of childhood and whatever life will bring you next. All you have is now. You want each minute to last twice as long, and yet, even at the same time, you're reeling with impatience for the future. Sometimes, your heart feels like it could bleed with the passion you feel for everything you do or even could do, everything the world is, everything people are. How can you contain it? You take walks at night, never too far (you know your limits direction-wise, and don't want to get lost with no way of contacting home), listening to music and singing when no one's around, because you're afraid you'll burst if the energy inside you can't be entertained. You want a million things, want to save the world in a million different ways, and nothing will stop you. Not you. And you're so pretty, so sweet and charming, a perfect ingenue beloved by everyone around her, and you have people tripping over themselves to help you if you so much as bat your eyelashes, and you have talent, and promise, and you know this is all too good to last, golden child, but when the time comes, you'll fling yourself into oblivion with tears and a prayer, and you'll never look back. You're brave and resilient, always have been, and thank goodness for that, because as much as you've been through already, poor darling, it's nothing compared to what's coming. So enjoy this mayfly summer, dream until you ache, and don't think about tomorrow. You'll have forever after for that.

 I got my MA after all! And Emily is going to come and join me in the US! It feels like things might slowly be on the path to better, and of course I don't want to get my hopes up, but it seems like this might be it! Maybe I can finally stop moving every time my lease is up. And Emily and I can be together, and not have to worry about being yanked apart all the time. We can get jobs and get married, and have a nice life until the economy totally tanks and the planet explodes :')

Not three hours ago, I had an interview for a position in San Diego. I don't know how I did, but I have the feeling that I won't get it. They said they were interviewing other people, and I would hear back if they wanted me, so now I just have to live in limbo forever :( I guess I'll continue to apply to things, though, because I don't know if I can stand this warehouse job anymore. I'm currently at home on Covid watch, because my dad was infected, and I was exposed to him, and I thought I had some symptoms. The test result came back negative, but I know 25% of tests are false negatives, so I don't totally trust it. I would feel so horrible if I became Covid Mary, you know? Best to be careful.

The job market is pretty tough, though. It's a big event when someone gets so much as an interview. I've sent in seventy applications in the last week, just on Indeed alone. I've heard back from two. And I know it's not me, because I'm pretty qualified in general, and especially for the jobs I'm applying for. There are just too many applicants and too few spots. My friends are struggling too, and I feel bad for them, but at the same time, at least we're not struggling alone, right? Our entire generation is fucked. Maybe we can be the ones to tear it all to the ground and build it up from scratch. 

I don't want to cook. I think it's because I'm "in my groove" as it were (read: hyperfocusing), and I don't want to get up. That's valid, but I do need to cook, so I'm going to get up now. Computer time is done for today! We can do more tomorrow! Sometimes, you just have to treat yourself like a four-year-old, honestly. Anyway, that'll be that. Time to make some curry!

I want to speak with my own voice.

 Imagine being a Pisces 😷 The guy I hated in high school is one. Of course, there are good Pisces as well, but being a Pisces is really a state of mind rather than some kind of immutable predestination. Especially for the men. Have you ever met a Pisces homie who's a man? They're so terribly rare :(

Lowkey, I'm sort of angsty, and it sounds so silly, but the truth is, I feel like people don't believe in me. My mom doesn't want me to move in with Emily. She wants us both to live with her. In her tiny apartment. What the hell, man. Like, does she think I enjoy not having a bed? But I was talking about my plans, which of course is my first mistake right there, and she was being so dismissive and negative. All she had to say was "oh, you don't need a bar" when I mentioned that one place has one. I was sort of offended LOL. It's clear that to her, I will never be more than a drinking problem in a tight skirt. Which, whatever. Fine. But isn't that even more reason for me to want to get out of here? I can't stay here forever. I don't know why she seems to think I do. I guess it all comes down to me being incapable of normal life. Ah, that old saw! I don't see why, though, because I've lived in more places than all of my siblings. But it's okay. I'm going to find a place, and get the hell out of here!

Now I'm high. Anselm is a bro, and shares his weed with me frequently. I don't like to drink around family (except Talia), but marijuana is getting me through this trying time. Sometimes, you just gotta relax. Also, I've been sleeping super well ever since I got back into legal terra MJ. It's really nice! I can just knock out and wake up feeling mostly refreshed. Although, I have been more tired lately because of work :( it's really a bummer working there, let me tell you. I'm not a fan. But I'm making some good money, so I guess it's worth it. 

I think I like Cheezits way too much :( I can never stop at just one, even if I tell myself that I absolutely will. I always eat a whole lot, and then I'm full, and then I can't eat food that's better for me. Very bad! It's really hard to eat in a healthy way here, though. It's hard to do anything in a healthy way, in fact, and when I do, it's not looked well upon. Mom seems to take offense when I want to change anything, or do things in my own way. Also, she seems to think I'm a child. Of course, I'm not doing a good job disproving that when I'm late to work in the morning, but holy goodness, Mother, please let me grow at my own pace. It's like, if I don't satisfy her standards, I'm a failure, no in-between, and no ifs, ands, or buts, either. And I do get it, but it also pisses me off, even though I try hard to find the humor in it. But encouraging me to work ten-hour shifts on the warehouse floor with only a couple of 100-calorie granola bars to fuel me is bad, right? That's not healthy? I truly don't know, though. And I guess I do still have some weight to lose. Still, I'm somehow reminded of those ghosts who are dead, so they want everyone else to be dead as well. Mom is miserable and unhealthy, and she wants us to be the same way, subconsciously. Very subconsciously. If she knew that her behavior comes off this way, she would be horrified. Nonetheless, that's how it feels to me, and it doesn't feel nice. No matter of her true intentions, she comes across as having very little respect for me. I need to talk about it in therapy-- along with a host of other stuff-- but the agency won't call me back. So annoying. Maybe I should call them again.

I’m back in California.

I’m trying to keep up a brave front, but honestly, I’m barely holding it together. Really, I think I’m in purgatory.

Because of my own stupidity, I finished my degree early (so it’s not a full MA), and because of that, my visa was rescinded, and I’ve had to go back to America. I don’t quite know how to deal with how much I hate myself, so I’m just kind of vibing, hoping the endless agony will fade if I ignore it enough. This is really how I felt all the time, isn’t it. Pain every moment. No wonder I wanted to die.

And now, I kind of do again. I don’t see a life worth living in my future. How am I supposed to deal with any of this? I honestly truly feel horrible and bad. If my lot in life is to suffer, if I was put here to fulfill some sadist’s purpose, and happiness is unobtainable for the likes of me, then goddamn, am I doing an amazing job. Everything is gray, and I just want to go to sleep.

I haven't felt like this in awhile. Everything is so dark and hopeless, and there's nothing to give me energy. I feel like I'm stuck in neutral, unable to move, unable to do anything but passively accept what the world throws at me. Well, at least I can drink some goddamn lemon water, right? I'm allowed to do that, right? I feel guilty, but shit, man. Give me something, at least.

Everything I do here feels forbidden. It's good to be thrifty, of course, but in this household, it's frowned upon to do anything "extra," even if it improves our collective lives. And Mom seemingly is physically incapable of agreeing with me about anything. No matter what I say, it's going to be met with criticism or arguments or wet-blanket statements that suck the fun out of everything and keep me at home, miserable, within reach. And I get it, I mean, yes. I'm a shiftless, lazy, loser. Everything I do sucks. But like, holy shit. Can we move past that already? I'm so sick of being in the doldrums all the time. I don't want to be. And I have to be strong, not just for me, but for everyone around me, and I have to make sure everyone knows that I've Recovered, and nothing is Worrisome anymore. I can't have bad days, and I can't ever be anything but cheerful and supportive. I can't crumble. Even now, even when my entire life is falling apart, even when I don't know how I'm supposed to go on, I can't show even a sliver of weakness. It's enough to make me lose my mind. How do I go on?

Tomorrow, I have an interview for a position at a warehouse. It's going to suck balls, but I have to do it, because I need a job as soon as possible. It's my own damn fault that I'm incompetent and can't get anything else. I have no future, not really. My life's about to get real gray.

Not that it wasn't already. It was better for awhile, but that's gone. 

I'm useless, I really am legitimately not good for anything. I have no worth, no value. Who would want me? I do nothing, I am nothing. 

  I'm making chicken and dumplings for dinner. It's ridiculous to be as excited as I am, but honestly, if you could smell the simmer, full of garlic and sage and bay leaves, you would be excited, too. I love cooking so much. Almost as much as I love eating. Or maybe more. I'm a home cook, I know this. I am not gourmet in any way. But the things I cook can make people happy, and that's all I need. I mean, when I moved out of the previous house, two of our friends specifically requested recipes of mine, because they loved the things I made! Food is one of my love languages. I'm like a typical Asian mom! My first question is, "Have you eaten," and then, "What do you want to eat?" I feel so at-home in a kitchen. I can do simple wine or cocktail pairings; I can make a multi-course meal without breaking a sweat; I can even make a gumbo with a naturally-browned roux! I'm not good at baking or desserts, probably because that's not the type of food I like to eat as much, but I can do it if I have to. I don't have to, though, because Talia and Emily are both amazing in the patisserie, and can make bread so delicious that even I eat several slices of it. I like carbs, but mostly rice, potatoes, and sometimes pasta/noodles. Baked goods are hard for me to eat (we never do completely move past the anorexia fear foods, do we?) I've never liked bagels or muffins or things like that, and since I'm not fond of sweets, most desserts are hard to eat as well. Take me to a sushi restaurant, or to dim sum brunch, and I'll eat your whole bank account. But in a bakery, I'm the asshole who's lame and only buys a coffee. I think another problem is that I'm physically not very large, so it's hard to fit much food into me. When I go out to eat, I usually can't finish my portion, even if I'm drinking (alcohol and weed make me eat more than usual). I pretty much never finish a bag of chips, either (unless it's Takis). Sad as it is, I love food, but I can't eat very much of it at one time.

Let me just say how much I love my friends! Kate is the sweetest and most hilarious, and is the same personality type as me (vive les ENFPs !) and we get along really well. When we were in the same country, we had so many fun times, and we even drove to LA and didn't even listen to music because we were too busy talking for the entire four hours it took to get to our friend's apartment (traffic was bad). We both drive manual transmission and prefer it, so we bonded over that as well, and she never made fun of my driving habits (I tend to speed, and get lost if Siri hesitates for even a second). I think we have such a wholesome, healthy, wonderful friendship. She's gotten me through some bad times, and I love her so so much. Talia and I call each other "brother" (it sounds silly, but it's helpful, because as I'm nonbinary, I don't quite like being "sister"), and Kate is one of the few people who is also a "brother" for us (we also have Emily, Cece, and Kitty). Of course, we've known each other for years and years (probably since 2014), but we really bonded when I was in the sober-living facility. Even in the hardest of times, she was there, opening up her kitchen to me! And then we drank and smoked and danced and ate and sang and played video games, and we became so close, and she was the second person (after Talia) whom I asked to be in my bridal party when Emily proposed! I literally love her so much!

It's sort of this love for my friends that makes me ambivalent about staying in the UK. My visa has been withdrawn, and I need to either change it or leave, and even though I've applied to change it for another visa, I might have to go back to America. And of course I don't want to go! Emily is here, and I have friends here, and there's healthcare and cheap groceries and alcohol, and I really do like it here. But I miss Talia and my friends and my family, and weed and Takis and chili lime picante shrimp cup noodles, and I honestly wouldn't mind going back for a little while. And I don't want to say anything about it, because I don't want Emily to feel guilty, like she's keeping me here. It's not that! I made the choice to move here, and I've never regretted it even for an instant. I just miss America. I'm trying not to feel too guilty about that, because I don't think it's unusual for someone to miss their home country, but I feel disloyal in a way, like I'm betraying everyone here by wanting to go back. It's not that I want to stay there! I just want to visit a little bit, and maybe get high a few times, and eat some Cheez-Its (which, can you believe those don't exist here?) and see my loved ones. And I want Korean barbecue and dim sum and proper sushi and call me crazy, but even the 405, and I want to see people and play with their pets! I just want Emily to be there with me at the same time. The other thing is that while I'm here, I can't work or volunteer, and I feel so useless. I told my job about my visa situation, and they of course can't have me working there without proof of my legal right to be here, so I'm on hold with that, and I guess I need a charity visa if I want to do volunteer work, which is weird to me, but basically, I'm not doing anything useful. If I went back to America, I could work a little bit until my visa was processed and build up some income for when I come back. I think it's the best option, only I don't know how long it would take, and how easy it would be to get my visa. It might take a few months. I haven't heard back from the Home Office yet, and I understand that processing is probably pretty slow right now, but it's stressing me out, and it's so hard to make plans when everything is up in the air like this. I just looked up airline ticket prices for later this month, and they're not bad, although I would have to have a ten-hour layover in Boston, and that's not so ideal. Flying is just really not fun at all, and I'm not looking forward to the prospect, but if I have to, then I have to, and there's no point in being miserable about it. I have to be strong, because Emily is pretty broken-up about this. Lord knows I don't want to be deported either, but I have to keep a stiff upper lip. I must say, that's very British of me.

One good thing is that I'm doing so much better than I was before, even compared to a year ago. I'm not doing great, not gonna lie, and I still probably really need therapy. Also, when I don't take my medication, I'm pretty much non-functional. But at least I don't think about death constantly anymore, and I can stay awake for more than eight hours a day. It's small, slow steps towards progress, frustrating and embarrassing, but I'm doing my best, and I think that's all I could ask of myself. I have to be patient and kind. I mean, I've come out of a really bad place, and I think I deserve some grace. 

That's not to say I'm not scared of the future anymore. I am. I'm terrified. But I think there's not so much point in sitting around, paralyzed, not doing anything to make the life I want for myself. That's what I did before. I ruined my life, and maybe there's no way of getting it back, but at least I can try to make a better future. 

I'm eating leftover chicken and dumplings for lunch, and it's delicious! I really did good with this recipe. If I'd had the right ingredients, I think it would be even better, but even so, it's super tasty. I slow-cooked some chicken thighs in broth with some seasonings (garlic, onions, sage, bay leaves, rosemary, chili flakes, salt, and black pepper), and added potatoes and celery (the only veggies I had on hand LOL) once they were cooked through. By the time the potatoes were done, the chicken was soft, so I shredded it, and added it back to the broth. I had a can of cream of chicken soup kicking around in the cabinet, so I added that, cutting it with milk, sprinkled a bit of nutmeg (I'm a firm believer in nutmeg and/or cinnamon for creamy dishes) and made some quick drop biscuits to pop on top of the mixture. I steam/simmered those for about twenty minutes, dished it up, and topped it with parsley. The starch in the potatoes and biscuits (plus the thickener in the canned soup) made it just thick enough that I didn't have to add a slurry or anything. It turned out well, if I do say so myself, although I should have added more baking powder to the biscuits, because they were a little heavy. All in all, it was a comforting and easy meal for a rainy Saturday night!

Today, I need to do some housework. I need to tidy the kitchen and do laundry, and the bathroom could stand some cleaning as well. It seems like adulthood is just so full of cleaning! Part of me enjoys it, and part of me hates it with a passion. Still, I think I hate it a little less than Emily does, so I'm happy to do my part. I do the cooking; she does the baking, I talk to people; she deals with gross stuff. It's a good system, and it works well. Introverts are funny, though. I sort of understand, because my anxiety used to manifest as fear in dealing with strangers, and I still worry about the people I love deciding that they don't like me anymore, but I think it's different for genuine I-types. They just actually, legitimately don't want to be around people. I mean, they don't even like parties! Granted, some parties suck, but there's nothing like a good one, vibing with the crowd, meeting new people, connecting more deeply with people you already know, laughing over jokes that turn into serious, soul-baring discussions and back to jokes again, checking your phone the next day to find four new Instagram followers and seven tagged photos, one of which is inevitably super ugly, but you save it anyway... ah, yes. There's truly nothing like it! Social interaction just feels nice. Now that I live in town and lockdown is lifted, it's easier to go outside when I'm feeling upset and just walk around because being around people, even strangers whom I don't talk to, automatically lifts my mood and makes me feel more stable. I feel like a bit of a weirdo sometimes, because most of my friends are introverts, and we recharge differently. Like, for Talia's last birthday, I arranged with everyone that she and I would have a "sister day," and we hung out in her apartment, just the two of us, and a buttload of takeout, wine, and drugs. She didn't have to talk to anyone, even while planning it, and she said it was a nice birthday, and of course I had fun too, but my idea of the perfect birthday would involve much more dancing and taking shots with strangers, so it was interesting to see the disparity. We're very similar, but in a lot of ways, we're complete opposites, too. I guess that's part of why we get along so well. I love her so much, and I'm so glad that I was lucky enough to be born as her sibling! 

I can't talk about this with anyone.

I got word this morning that I'm "graduating" (as it were) with something called a lower exit degree. I'm not going to get my MA, and I don't know if I can appeal. I wasted so much money, and time, and resources, and it's all my fault. Sure, it's easy to blame the pandemic, or the strikes, or my mental health, or anything else besides my stupid fucking self, but at the end of the day, I can't escape the reality that I'm nothing but a lazy dumbass who couldn't get her shit together for one fucking year to complete what's probably the easiest degree in the world. It's my fault, and anyone I talk to will know it's my fault. I deserve whatever scorn I get, I know that, and I will face it, but I'm so disappointed and angry and I'm really trying hard not to cry, because I need to hide it for now. Emily isn't feeling good, and I have to be normal, just for now. Plus, I don't want to hear the I-told-you-so, not yet. I know it's my fault. I do! And I have no right to be disappointed or upset, and I'm trying really hard to hold it in, but it's so hard. I feel like such a failure. I really do just fuck up everything I try. I'm quite literally not good at anything. Even the things I'm decent at, I'm still not good at, and nothing is enough, and I'm not enough.

I'm not trying hard enough, I guess.

How hard would it have been to just get out of bed? Just get out of bed and go to class, and turn in literally one assignment. Then I would have my degree. I can't believe how fucking useless I am. Is there anything I'm good at, or successful at, just one single solitary thing? No matter how hard I scour my brain, I can't come up with anything. It's too late for grace, too late for understanding or empathy. I don't deserve that anymore. I've been given too many chances already, and I wasted them all. I wasted my whole life. There's nothing for me now. No PhD program will accept me, and even if they did, I would probably just crash and burn there, too. You know I've wanted a doctorate ever since I was a kid? How do I let go of that? Jesus Christ. I've never met anyone so literally devoid of value. I'm a leech, a drain on society and everyone who knows me. It's not the homeless population, not the chronically ill, not the addicts or even the Republicans. It's me, little Miss Privilege, aiming too high and costing everyone money. I wasn't even good at working in the warehouse. I can't even do something like that. Tell me, what the hell am I good for?

I deserve to die.

I'm not being cute or coy with that. What was it, Kitty told me? Stop trying to kill yourself every time something doesn't go your way? They're right. Actually, they're right about a lot of things. I'm a horrible person, and I deserve every single thing they've ever said about me. They're right; very few other people would want to put up with me. I'm lucky that they stick around. Shouldn't I just put myself, and everyone who knows me, out of our misery, then? The world would be better off. I can just imagine my mom's reaction, though. Couldn't she have done it earlier, before she wasted so much money? And I should have. I should have succeeded back then. There were so many chances. So many attempts. And I failed at all of them, just like I've failed at all my attempts to live. I'm not destined for success in any state of being. Which is kind of funny in a twisted way, just another reason my existence is a joke.

I'm tired. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of keeping my head up and taking another shot, knowing damn well it's not going to land. I'm tired of it all being my fault. 

Over the last few weeks, I've been rereading the earlier entries on this blog, partially in reminiscence, partially as a therapy exercise, and partially out of morbid curiosity. It's been really interesting. A lot of it is stilted and embarrassing (though of course I was a child, so I'm trying to grant myself some grace), but some of it is genuinely clever and funny. I do think I believed myself to be much more witty than I was, but I was still a very, very smart kid. I just read a post where I was talking about my SAT scores. In 2012 (when I was a high school senior), a 2160 was in the 98th percentile, nationwide. I had a perfect English score, and if I remember correctly, ten points off a perfect writing score. That's nothing to sneeze at! But because I got an average math score, I and all my family discounted that. My AP scores were in the 90+ percentile; I was certified bilingual by age 17; I was involved heavily in music, volunteering, and clubs; I had a lucrative part-time job; I even balanced a pretty good social life. I had hobbies, I managed to allocate time for family, friends, church, etc., and I did it all without coffee. And yet, I was seen as a failure because I... took naps? Seriously, my family would get so angry with me when I passed out on the sofa after a couple all-nighters, and I really do think they just didn't understand. Xander was homeschooled until college, and my parents of course belong to a different generation, so they didn't get that I genuinely wasn't sleeping until 3AM on a good night during my junior and senior years of high school, and waking up at 6:30 to get ready in the morning, because tired or not, I've always been vain about my appearance. My family gave me a hard time about being ditzy and too social and going out with too many boys, about procrastinating, about staying up late, about taking too long to study, about not studying because I couldn't concentrate, and most of all, about having a shitty attitude. Which is exceptionally annoying, because I really didn't. In my freshman year, I was a bit grumpy and annoying, but I was also quite literally suicidal, knee-deep in an eating disorder, trying to reconcile myself with the fact that half the school was spreading vicious rumors about me for no reason, and struggling with a whole host of other mental illnesses. I think, all things considered, my family got off light with me just being a bit reticent and snarky. It's really sad, though, reading about how useless and stupid I thought I was. My skills in the humanities were pretty much unparalleled, even among my perfectionistic, high-achieving peers, and I was decent at science, though not exceptional by any means. Math was my one big failing, and honestly, still is. I spent so long trying to prove myself, trying to convince people that I was smart and worthy and good for something besides being hot, and each time, I was miserable when it ended up going badly. Of course, a lot of it probably had to do with undiagnosed ADHD. Not being able to concentrate on a textbook for more than a paragraph at a time if it doesn't catch my hyper-focus is not so helpful for the subjects that don't make sense to me immediately. Which, again, may have been because I didn't listen in class, because it just wasn't interesting. And then, I would convince myself that I was bad at it, and I would get discouraged, and not even want to try. And it would be a whole cycle that would end with me wanting to die because I still didn't understand integration by parts. Meanwhile, it didn't matter so much for my other classes, because I could zone out or chat/text/pass notes or do other homework for half the period and still come away with an understanding of the subject. Then, if I needed to fill in a gap, I'd ask the teacher or research it myself, and fulfill my (self-imposed) 94%+ rule in the end. All throughout high school (and college as well), I only ever once got a B on an English test, and that was because I hadn't read the book it was on. Names and dates and other bits involving rote memory were more difficult for me, but I still managed to memorize a large chunk of court cases in AP Government, and impressed my class by knowing all the terms, including somewhat-obscure Latin ones for use in court. That was when I wanted to be a lawyer (and eventually a Supreme Court justice), so I was interested, and I ended up breezing through the national exam. AP Economics was harder for me because of the math involved, but I still did very well, and the teacher liked me. My bad experience in AP Chemistry made me think that I was bad at science, but I got an A in every other class, and in fact was rather good at physics (which is to this day my favorite of the sciences). Spanish and choir were easy-peasy, of course, and history of any kind felt like cheating because it was so genuinely interesting to me. So really, aside from PE (which I either spent gossiping or flirting, and doing the minimum work possible), math was the only real weakness I had. And somehow, this translated to me being a useless dumbass with no redeeming qualities, which really isn't fair when I think about it. I'm not upset; I know my mom tried her best in an impossible situation, and I don't blame her, but at the same time, I do want to acknowledge that the lack of positive reinforcement probably did a lot to shoot holes in my self esteem. As a natural perfectionist, I glommed onto that sort of attitude, and therefore, nothing I did was ever good enough. A perfect or near-perfect score was average, and anything else was unacceptable. How many times, how many ways did I punish myself for not doing as well as I'd arbitrarily decided I should? I still remember the frustration of knowing I could do better if only I could stop my brain from turning to soup at inopportune moments, but being young and emotionally stunted and traumatized, I internalized that as being my own fault. I was way too hard on myself, I see that now.
At the same time, though, I have to acknowledge how I crashed and burned later. College was fine; I ended up graduating from UCLA, as per my teenage dreams, and overall, I slept around a lot and made friends and ate good food and went to bad parties and had a good time. And then I took a gap year, but I started fucking things up. And then I got kicked out of my PhD program for my suicide attempt and subsequent hospitalization, and then things really went to shit. I had to go back and live with my mom, and I worked in a warehouse for awhile, and then I went to rehab, and by the time I was stable enough to leave the sober-living facility, it was summer, and I was preparing to go to grad school again. And then I fucked that up, too. I didn't get a job, and I'm going to have to take a leave of absence, not just because of the strikes, not just because of Corona, but because I didn't take care of my responsibilities. I feel like a financial burden on everyone, and a regular burden, too. My life is a mess. Although, as of this morning, I do officially have a job, but I can't help but feel that it's too little, too late. What happened to me? I wasted my potential. I let people down. Every day, I feel so guilty for even existing. I do 90% of the cooking, housework, etc., but it doesn't feel like enough, and I'm afraid Emily is going to leave me because I'm annoying and easily distractible and have loud Skype conversations in the living room while she's trying to watch Netflix in bed. I'm flakey, I'm weird, I'm lazy, and sometimes I say controversial shit just to stir the pot (not like politically controversial, more like "I think the flat-Earth theory could be true, except we are in fact on a round Earth, but that Earth is embedded in a larger flat surface like a yolk in an egg"). I have too many opinions. Sometimes, it takes me an hour to do my makeup, and she'll have to sit around and wait for me. I have a "ridiculous" amount of shoes and clothes, and I value aesthetics over comfort, and I buy too many storage baskets. Yesterday, I almost cried because there were maggots in our kitchen trash, and I only barely managed to get rid of them and clean the bin, and will probably insist on throwing out all expired food items straightaway from here on out, regardless or not of if the bag is full. In short, I'm high-maintenance. That's to say nothing of how much money I've spent in the past! Before lockdown, I think I must have spent about £40.00 all told on clothes, shoes, and makeup, and then there's all the takeout and fancy alcohol and groceries. I'm a selfish spendthrift, and no matter how hard I try to budget, I crack in the end, and buy the more expensive cheese rather than walking half an hour more to get the store brand at Sainsbury's. And I do budget cheaply, I do, and I made a month-long meal plan for less than £60, but isn't that a lot, really? And couldn't I just make food for Emily and not eat it myself? I don't need to eat so much. I shouldn't, really. I don't really do anything deserving of eating like I do.
But I shouldn't be so negative. I'm twisting my thoughts again, needlessly being cruel and critical, and it's not productive. Instead, I should do something more worthwhile. I suppose I'll clean up and do the dishes. I need to clean the bathroom, too. And when Emily wakes up, I'll ask her what she wants for dinner, and I'll start on that. There's no use in sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I have to create the life I want, even if that means getting off my ass sometimes.

I feel massively insecure today. I'm not sure why, but it likely has to do with the fact that I got all emotional and cried on Emily last night for literally no reason. We'd had a few drinks, and I'm usually happy and flirty when I'm tipsy, but this time, I got sad and cried and it was embarrassing, really. I think part of it is my continued fear of emotional vulnerability, because even though I do think my EQ is decent, I still hold back a lot. It's something that I'm working on, and I'm definitely getting better at being open, but there's always the lurking fear at the back of my mind that something is going to go wrong, and I should sort of check out in preparation.
Now, this is a problem, specifically at this point in time, because Emily and I have decided to get married at City Hall earlier rather than later, just for tuition and residency purposes. Once I'm a UK citizen, things will be a lot easier in multiple ways. We're still going to have a wedding later, and in fact, we probably won't even tell anyone that we're going to be legally married until the ceremony, because we're only allowed two witnesses, and we don't want to hurt any family member's feelings. I'll tell Talia, but probably only her. I can't trust anyone else not to blab to the world. But I'm suddenly remembering my old commitment-phobe days, and my little 20-year-old self is whispering for me to cut ties and run away before I get hurt. Of course, that's not me anymore, and I don't want to cut ties in any way, shape, or form. I want to be with Emily forever, and I know this, but I'm still scared of how it's all going to turn out. It's a leap of faith, in a way; I've never done this before, and my own personal experience with marriage has been poor. I know we're not our parents, and things will be as we make them to be. We have control over our future together. Still, it's hard to shake the anxiety that persists even in the face of me knowing that I'm doing the right thing. I think even now, it's hard to accept the fact that life is happening. No do-overs, no makeups. This moment will never come again once it's gone. Which is terrifying, frankly, but also cool in a way, because it means that every day is a new chance to make the world even a little better, not only for everyone else, but for me, too. I'm always making progress, even if it doesn't feel like it, and I need to remember that.

joyeuse 14 juillet !

Greetings from the new apartment!
Moving was an ordeal. We had to pack up everything, and move it downstairs, then move it into the truck (thankfully, the man was nice and let us put everything in, instead of having to carry some of it through town), and then we had to carry it up to the new flat. And then we had to unpack it all. We were so exhausted by the end that we didn't even use our brand-new kitchen on the first night. We had fish and chips from a nearby shop instead. It took us a full two weeks to finish all our laundry and get it sorted and put away, because we washed everything we own (and because I have a lot of clothes, even in spite of leaving half of them in California). Also, the place hadn't been cleaned at all when we moved in, which wasn't great. I did a deep-clean over two days (minus the bathroom, which needed professional help), and now it's all gorgeous and sparkling. It's a sweet little flat, and every day, I'm grateful that we get to live here.
Emily's dad and step-mom came to visit us over the weekend. It was fun, but beforehand, I was so stressed and anxious, and I really felt physically sick. But we got food, and more importantly, alcohol, and everything became much less scary once we were all a few drinks in. I mostly stuck with wine, though I did switch to Bloody Marys by the end of the night once we were all back home, and it was nice to not be the drunkest in the room! Emily said the visit went over well, and they both seem to like me (she said I'm now the favorite child of both her sets of parents 😂) so I'm really relieved. And I think they've finally gotten over thinking I'm quiet and shy. Not that it really matters-- I mean, it's pretty funny, all things considered. But now they seem to have a better idea of who I really am, so I feel like they can whole-heartedly approve (or disapprove) of me.
One of our friends is coming over on Thursday. I'm really excited to see her, but I'm also concerned, because she's just gone through her first "real" breakup, and she seems, well, broken-up about it. She's the sweetest person, who honestly deserves the world, and her ex was so annoying (none of us liked her), so it's probably good in the long run, but I hate seeing her upset like this. I just hope we can make her some nice food and coffee (with a heinous amount of milk) and we can cuddle and watch horror movies and listen to folk music and sea shanties. I'm not good with breakups either, but at least I've had significantly more experience than anyone else in our friend group, so I sort of know the drill. And I'm a damn good listener, if I do say so myself!
Gosh, I wish we had some celery. I made a soup, and it's simmering away in the slow-cooker now, smelling absolutely savory and amazing, but it would have been so much better with the proper ingredients. We really don't have much of anything. Emily doesn't get paid until next week, so we currently have about fifty pounds between us.  I'm literally more financially destitute than I was in middle school. Moving was so expensive! I've been keeping a cheap menu, and we haven't bought anything we don't need, but it's still hard to pay for everything on one furloughed salary. I really hope I can get a job soon. Now that I sort of know what's going on with my university, it will be much easier to apply.
Oh, right. I didn't say. Due to everything, really, I'm going to have to take another semester. However, since it's not cheap, I'm going to take a leave of absence and save up money. During that time, Emily and I will get married, so I'll be a UK resident, and I can pay the domestic tuition (much cheaper than international tuition) and apply for financial aid. I'm trying to keep my head up and not be too despondent, but it's hard, and I'm genuinely terrified to tell my mom. She's going to be so disappointed in me. I haven't even told Talia yet, which goes to show you how bad it is. I think right now, I'm still processing, and still half in denial. I know everything will turn out for the best, or at least how it's meant to. My life has a trajectory, even if I don't know it yet. But in the meantime, it's really hard not to fall into despair. At least I haven't had to sell my hair and teeth to provide for my young daughter who's being used as a servant for some crooked innkeepers, though, right? It could be way worse.

We got the apartment!
I'm really relieved. I didn't think we would, to be honest. There were so many hoops to jump through, and it was hard to get in touch with the landlord and the letting office, probably because of lockdown. However, we finally did manage to sign the lease and pay the three months' rent that lets us off the hook for getting a guarantor, thanks to me finally cashing out the shitty stocks that my dad transferred my shares into. It was only $2500, but that was enough. I know I sound spoiled for complaining about that, because at least I had stocks, but the thing was, they used to be much better. My mom and grandparents set them up for me and my siblings as a sort of college fund. And then my dad basically blew all of it because he wanted to transfer them into more "ethical" options, i.e. gold and silver, which tanked in 2008. I believe they'd been going downhill before that as well, but that was the nail in the coffin. Xander is the only one who's not in debt from undergrad, and that's only because he got a full scholarship (he's in debt from Juilliard, though). Talia has more than I do, but poor Anselm-- he has basically nothing. It's pretty annoying, because if Mom had been left in charge of the money, we'd probably have everything paid off by now. Instead, we're all in debt.
It's okay, though. I'm really glad that I had just enough money to pay for the three months' rent, and Emily has enough for everything else until I can find work. I think I'm on the right track with that, as two people have emailed me back asking for more information. Hopefully, I can get something quickly! We're moving on Saturday, and I couldn't be more excited to have a place to ourselves. It's going to be so nice to feel comfortable in my house. I'll be able to get juice in the middle of the night without putting on pants! I'll be able to shower whenever I want to! I'll be able to chill without worrying that my housemates secretly hate me! And since I'm on the lease, I feel like I'll have more confidence. This is going to be really good. Oh, and I won't have to deal with our annoyingly loud neighbor anymore. He's been doing construction on the house next door for the entire year that we've been here, and it's really loud and disruptive and obnoxious. Right now, he's using some kind of power drill outside. It sounds like an accordion being fed through a wood chipper. That being said, I'm sure there will be annoying people in our new apartment as well, but at least they'll be new annoying people. Oh gosh, I hope there's not a baby, though. It's terrible, but I don't like the sound of crying babies. Which is something I have to deal with, because Emily and I do want kids, and I'm not going to be one of those asshole parents who treats a defenseless infant badly for something they can't even help, but in spite of what my logical brain tells me, my emotional buttcheeks still clench up when I hear that incessant wailing. If I can get through that stage, though, I get to watch the kid grow up and acquire language. I'm very excited about that. Think of all the firsthand experience I could gain for research! I intend to keep detailed logs and recordings, and of course, I'll share those with the kid when they get older as well, and hopefully, they'll think it's cool. Linguistics aside, though, I really am excited to raise a child. I want to show them all the love I never received and make them happy every day. I think it will be very rewarding!
I feel weirdly mopey today. I'm not sure if it's the heat, or the impatience of wanting to move, or feeling obligated to hang out with some people I'm not too crazy about, but I'm restless, and I want to lie in bed and sulk. I'm not going to do that, though. I purposefully went on my laptop instead of my phone, and I drank a Red Bull so I won't go back to sleep. Everyone else went into town, but I declined, because it's so hot, and I think I might melt like the Wicked Witch of the West (Coast) if I venture outside. I don't know how I'm going to manage when summer comes for real, but I do know that I'm going to buy several fans the first chance I get. Maybe I will install a little fan-filled fort in the corner of the living room with sheets and pillows to sit on, and I can go in there and be cool. I could put some fairy lights in there, and have it be all nice and cozy and cute. Actually, that's a pretty good idea. Maybe I'll do it. Omg! I'm so excited to be living with Emily! I've never lived with only one other person before (except for one semester in Ohio and one quarter at UCLA, and that was in a tiny dorm both times), and I can't even imagine how wonderful it will be to have the kitchen all to ourselves. All that refrigerator and cabinet space? A dream! We can finally have a dedicated spice cupboard, and I won't have to spend five minutes digging through canned goods and packets of instant ramen in order to find the oregano. And we can put things in the refrigerator without having to worry about someone randomly throwing them away! It'll be so nice. I think I'm going to buy some new pots and pans when I can. We need a new skillet, because even though ours works okay, it's very worn-out, and we need a soup pot, because the one I've been using doesn't belong to us. Of course, I'd love a beautiful matched set of Le Creuset cookware, but since I don't have thousands of dollars lying around, I'll just have to put it on the wedding registry and hope that a distant uncle wins the lottery and feels like contributing to our future home. For now, I'll settle for a medium-sized Dutch oven, a couple of saucepans, a non-stick skillet, and a rice cooker. Can you believe I've been cooking all my rice stove-top for a whole year? It's so stressful. Emily doesn't see the problem, but this is not the way I was raised, thank you very much! I'll try to find a cheap one, though.
Now I feel like planning the set-up for the new place. I wonder if there's a website for that, like a site that allows interior designers or artists to visualize room space? I feel like that's the sort of thing that should exist. Maybe I'll go looking. I know Emily doesn't care so much about aesthetics, but I do, and as long as we both agree on it, it should be fine. And I'm willing to spend all the time arranging and decorating things, so I don't think she'll mind too much. I also really want to rearrange our closet. I'm incredibly excited for that, actually. I packed up all our clothes yesterday (except for the outfits I set aside for us to wear this week), and we really do have some nice pieces. Not that I don't want more, of course, but for now, we have enough. Okay, I'm off to look for room design websites and drool over household appliances on Amazon! Wish me luck!

The world is basically on fire, metaphorically speaking, but probably also literally, given the global response to climate change. It's almost ridiculous how bad things are. Hell of a time for me to start making life-changing future plans, isn't it? Although, given the sociopolitical trajectory of my home country (and frankly, most other countries that I could conceivably move to), I'll probably be dead in about ten years, so I may as well make the most of the time I have. And yes, as a queer and mentally ill PoC, I'll probably die a horrible death, but in the meantime, I plan to enjoy myself and spread as much love and light as I damn well can.
Emily and I have decided to postpone the wedding by a few months. It seems safest, and honestly, I want lots of guests, and I want them to feel comfortable and not have to stand six feet apart and wear masks the whole time, so it works out. And this way, Emily can have her summer wedding, and when we renew our vows next December for the US crowd, I can have my winter wonderland celebration (which, being in California, simply means closed-toed shoes and light jackets for the cocktail hour). Planning has really been put on hold because of everything, but now that we're moving in together (just us, I mean) and planning our future more seriously, it seems like it's time for me to pick it up again. And I adore planning! I love creating the perfect party with the perfect guest list, making everything happen, ensuring that everyone has a good time. Granted, I've never planned anything for myself before, but surely I can do that, too. After all, what is a wedding but a big party? It doesn't have to be super fancy or anything; all that matters is that everyone comes away with good memories, and hopefully a raging hangover the next day. Also, this way, Emily and I can save up more, both for the reception, and for our honeymoon! We didn't think we would get to have one, but I think we can manage it if we plan very carefully. Our apartment is cheaper than we budgeted for, so provided we can get that nailed down (fingers crossed), we can put aside a fund to go travel! I want to go to Japan or Korea, but that would be very expensive, so we may have to wait on that. But Emily wants to go to Greece, and that would be cheaper, since it's in Europe, and it would be so beautiful, and the food, and think of the Instagram pictures I could take! We could also go to France. I have a friend in Paris, and since Emily and I both speak French, it would be a bit easier to get around. And then we might have a mini honeymoon in Vegas after our California wedding, just because that's cheap and easy to pull together, and Emily, being European, is fascinated by it. We were thinking of going for a few days by ourselves, and then having some friends join us for a party weekend. It doesn't seem fair for us to be there together and married and not invite our friends' SOs, though, so I suppose we could bring them along as well! Besides, I like the guys, and it would give them a chance to bond, especially if my brothers wanted to come along (which, it seems like I should at least ask, right, since Talia is coming, and Anselm came with us last time). And the more people there are, the cheaper things are (to a point)! Also, I love big groups. But whatever happens, I know it will be perfect.
I didn't mention the apartment! Emily and I (mostly her) found a beautiful cheap place right in town that's next to one of our favorite bars, the bookstore, the Japanese teahouse, and best of all, McDonalds. It's been a real hassle trying to get the lease, and we've had at least three frustrating phone calls where nothing has gotten done, but we seem to be on the right track now. I don't want to celebrate too early, but I really want this place. It's pretty much perfect, aside from being further away from the grocery store. It has a bookshelf for all of Emily's books, and a big wardrobe for (most of) my clothes, and these gorgeous floor-to-ceiling windows in the living room. The kitchen is small, but we won't be sharing it with five other people, so it probably will work out just right. Part of me wants to go nuts and use the remainder of the security deposit on this place to buy us a bunch of nice pots and pans and cooking equipment, but I know that's not prudent, especially because we can put some of those things on our wedding registry. But I am going to get a new non-stick skillet. That's totally non-negotiable.
Another change that's come to my life-- I'm blonde now! We've all been doing different things with our hair, and I bleached my ends one night, and it looked nice, so I decided to go all the way and do my whole head. And I absolutely love it. I've wanted to be blonde for years, and even though I love my natural color too, I feel so fresh and cool now. I feel like a K-Pop star! Now that I've lost my depression/alcohol weight and gotten my figure back, I really do look like Barbie. I'm considering growing out my bangs, but I'm not sure about that yet. One change at a time. Still, it's pretty awesome, and I feel even more confident now.
The one happening that may not be so exciting is that I'm likely going to have to take another quarter at my university in order to get my MA done. I talked to my advisor, who is an amazing and wonderful man, and he said he would help me try and deal with the bureaucracy involved there. Honestly, if I didn't have the administration and faculty on my side, I don't know what I would do. People are kinder and more helpful to me than I deserve, and I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, but it also makes me wonder if it's all some elaborate prank or something. Still, I'm actually somewhat grateful for this, because I was in over my head trying to do my degree in one year, especially during a global pandemic. This gives me a chance to take some time for myself and re-evaluate how I want to go about things. I'm disappointed, because it puts off doing my doctorate for another year, but at the same time, I don't know if I was truly ready for a PhD program. And if I play my cards right, I can get the work experience I need for the fully-funded program at UCL at the same time. Then, we could save up and move to London once Emily is done with her MA, and things would be a lot less hectic and stressful. So it's good, and I'm trying to talk back to the negative thoughts that I'm getting too old, but it's not always easy.
I'm doing a lot better than I was before, though. It's hard to believe how bad I was doing in my teens and early twenties. I don't think I could see it because I was so deep in it, kind of like how you can't see anything in a dark room because everything is dark. But as soon as you turn on a light, you can work from there, and realize that damn, there are at least 1000 ways to die in here. It's weird. I never ever saw myself living this long. But, in the words of that old Christina Aguilera song, Things Keep Getting Better. Or is that the Queer Eye theme song? Either way, I'm glad I didn't die in Georgia, or LA, or Loma Linda, or Ohio, or Loma Linda again, or anywhere. Kitty's tarot reading was right after all; things are going to be okay.

It’s been a long time! I think I need to journal more. Then again, there’s not much to journal about. Life has been pretty flat since we’re still in lockdown, and I haven’t been getting much done. I’m shamefully behind on schoolwork, and I still haven’t found a job. Oh, but we did find a place to live for when our current lease expires in June! Or rather, Emily found it. I didn’t do much. It’s a really good deal, though, and is right in town! How exciting— we’re going to be living together, just us two. I hope it’ll be okay. What if we flounder without the padding of roommates? But no, I don’t think we will. I just need to make sure to keep up to date on cleaning. I think that’s my worst fault as a roommate. So if I do that, and I do the cooking and all that, it should be fine. I’m so excited to decorate! Our current house is pretty drab, so it’ll be absolutely wonderful to make our new place look like home 💖 I just wish I had all my cute decorations. They’re all in California. But maybe they were too cutesy and childish? I’m going to be a professional adult 😤 Maybe I will decorate in gray! Actually, I like gray a lot, so I would be fine with that. Brown, not so much. Like, it’s so boring. It has its place in the spectrum, though.

I just realized My Chemical Romance must have had to postpone their tour this year because of the pandemic. If so, does that mean I could get tickets for next year? Oh gosh! It would be such a dream! I don’t know what I would do! Cry, probably. I would think they would come to London, at least. I know it would be horrendously expensive, but I would hopefully have a job by then. And I would save! I would give up whiskey and fancy cheese! And I wouldn’t even buy a new outfit, even though I would really want to! It would truly be a dream come true. You know, I think I owe it to young baby me. It’s therapy, right? Re-parenting or whatever. Hell yeah.

I wonder what I should make for dinner tonight. We’re a bit tight on money since we have to pay two sets of rent this month (for the house, and the new place).

Okay I’m back! It’s 2:47 AM! I was reading a YA fiction book. It was fantasy, too. Goodness, what has become of me? But I was gripped! Except one of the characters is a really racist white man and his whole “redemption” arc is that he’s horny for the girl he’s racist against, and somehow that makes everything okay 🙄 also, let’s not forget that he didn’t shoot the leader of their gang when he had a chance to even though it would have sabotaged their entire heist and gotten everyone killed! What a man! Fortunately, he dies later, so I have that to look forward to. But it’s a good series on the whole, and I’m looking forward to finishing the second book tomorrow.

It’s gotten very hot all of a sudden. I don’t like it. It’s totally inscrutable to me that some people (like Emily) prefer the heat to the cold. Since I’m always too warm anyway and I barely feel the cold unless I’m sick, I really don’t like it when the temperature is above ~80. One would think that I would have it made coming to England, but sadly, global warming has made fools of us all :( Why don’t European people have air conditioning yet? Like, come on. Embrace hedonism. Keep me from melting. You know?

Tomorrow, I need to do some schoolwork. Like, desperately. I’m behind in the worst way. The problem is that I get panic sweats every time I so much as think about checking my university email. Still, I think I can do it. I have to at some point, so I might as well do it now. Gotta rip that bandaid off and get right back to it. Even though I have not a single clue what I’m doing. My final paper for my prosody class was some grade-A bullshit. I cited Native Tongues again, I mean like come on! I also used a lot of examples from American dialects hoping that my professor won’t fact-check. The perks of being an international student! Still, I probably can’t hope for more than 50% and likely it will be lower than that. Here, that’s passing, though. C’s get degrees, vive l’académie anglaise! 

f

I have an essay due tomorrow that's worth half my grade, and I've only written half of it and have no idea what I'm going to do for the rest. And yet, I can't seem to process the fact that time is limited and that I need to get work done. It's a really boring essay. It's basically a critique of a pre-existing article, and I don't necessarily mind those in some cases, but it's so much more interesting to do my own thing. Like, my assignment for my reading group in Topics in Psycholinguistics. That was fun! I enjoyed that. And I got the equivalent of an A, so it must have worked out. I know I'll be able to finish this thing-- I always do. But I'm not going to enjoy it.
Emily and I (well, I) provisionally booked a wedding venue yesterday. It's lovely! It's small and cozy, but it has a pretty dome and these absolutely beautiful gardens that will be good for pictures. It's not like we're having a massive wedding, so it should be fine. I think we may only have about fifty to seventy-five day guests. I don't know many people in Europe, so most of the guests will be on Emily's end. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've only invited four people separate from our friend group (and then Kaite and Talia, of course). Ren said they may be able to come (with their husband in tow), but they're a busy grad student, and I don't want to assume. But it would be wonderful if they could come! And of course several people have said they'd like to come, but it's hard to get to Europe just for a few days, so I'm not expecting too much. I'm more excited for the US celebration, honestly, and it makes me sound a bit selfish, but all my loved ones are going to be there. And my darlings are going to be there with me as bridesmaids! Or... some of them. Religion got in the way a bit for others. But Buttercup and Jocelynn and Ren and Talia are going to be with me, and Andrea, Natalie, and Kaite will be with Emily! I was on the fence about asking Lily. We're not as close, so it might have been presumptuous, but she's Kaite's best friend, and we're all in a friend group together, so I don't want her to feel left out. But I'll definitely include her in some things! I'm so excited to celebrate with my best girls. I'm going to get them all matching robes to wear while getting ready, and matching necklaces to wear at the ceremony/reception. And I'll probably get them some chocolate or prosecco or something as well, just to round things out.
I'm trying to work on my dissertation now. I finished the essay I need to turn in, but it's stressful, because I think it's really bad :( Somehow, I've just lost my talent for writing! I don't know how it happened, but nowadays, everything I write is pure shit (except for the psycholinguistics one). It's very disheartening. But you know, I just need to work harder. I haven't been writing much lately, so it's only natural that my skills have deteriorated. It will be okay! Maybe I should write something fictional to warm up. It's easier to write when I've been writing for a little while already.
I'm trying to get through some papers on the interaction between relative clauses and prosody because I have a meeting tomorrow with the author of these very papers, but it's making my brain spin like WOOSH! I can't focus on shit lately. I've suspected that I have ADHD for more than ten years now, but no one tends to believe me except Talia. I mean, no. That's not true. Emily believes me, and so do the few friends I've told about it. But doctors tend not to, and I haven't been able to get a diagnosis, or any of that sweet dope to make my brain work like it's supposed to. It's so annoying! I've always coasted by on my intelligence, and I know that makes me sound like a cocky asshole, and maybe I am (but why is it so egregious for female-presenting people to admit to a certain amount of prowess?), but it's functionally true. I've managed everything, not through effort, but through a combination of good luck, charm, and basic braininess. I'm smart and sweet and pretty, and I always get what I want. Maybe that's my superpower-- being the spoiled valley girl. Still, it's a problem now, because I can't even pay my bills on time. I can't focus, and I can't seem to do anything up to my own standards, and it makes me not want to do anything at all. According to my phone, I averaged nine hours of screen time in a single day. That's pretty bad. I just lie around and text people and write fan fiction and go on Instagram because I can't handle the thought of failing at anything, and social interaction and fiction writing are some things that I can't fail at, because I've worked at them enough to be decent. And besides, I'm an extrovert, and social interaction is basically my life blood. I've realized this! I'm an ENFP (the Golden Retriever of the MBTI). I took like five tests, and they all said the same thing. I'm extroverted, intuitive, feeling, and perceiving. It's quite different from what I used to be (or thought I was). I think I skewed that test, though. I put what I valued, not what I actually was. Or maybe I've just changed. They do say that one's personality doesn't really solidify until adulthood. Be that as it may, though, I'm a bit lonely. I chat with people virtually, but it's not quite the same as hanging out in person. Yesterday, I went to do an errand for Emily at her work, and while I was there, I had a nice chat with the girlfriend of one of her coworkers. It was so nice, and I felt so good afterwards. And then in the evening, I skyped with Kaite! We talked for over two hours without a single pause (as we're wont to do) and it was so lovely. I miss her so much! But thank goodness for technology, allowing us to still be connected.

Get to Know Me!!

Hello hello!! I just realized that I'm 25, and it's time for me to update this post, which was echoed again here, here, and here ! Goodness, I really am getting old, aren't I? All right, here we go.
--
Favorites~
Season: Fall for its excitement, winter for its beauty, summer for its joy, and spring for its hope!
Singer: Maybe Halsey or Ariana Grande? But I've recently been falling back in love with My Chemical Romance.
Song: Sun is Shining by Axwell /\ Ingrosso
Color: Pink
Cosmetic: Aside from chapstick (which is non-negotiable), I would have to say eyeliner!
Animal: Lepidoptera, penguins, and cats!
Food: Sushi, dim sum, or fresh fruit.
Outfit: Now that I've lost so much depression weight, I can feel good in my clothes again! I like to wear a dress and cardigan with heels, but my real favorite outfit is black skinny jeans, black heeled boots, black tank top (that makes my tits look AMAZING), and a black leather jacket, because it gets Emily going LOL.
Perfume: I'm too poor to afford a signature scent, but I've always loved Marc Jacobs Daisy (original).
Drink: Red Bull.
Possession: My phone, laptop, vape, and engagement ring. Some others too, but possessions don't mean nearly as much to me as people do.
Car: My car is in California, an ocean away :'( it's a black manual-transmission Honda, and her name is Raquel and I love her.
Subject: All of them, my goodness. However, my incline is towards linguistics, psychology, neuroscience, philosophy, etc. I also love a good bit of computer programming! I just wouldn't be tempted to read articles in it LOL. 
Book: I've been in a bit of a book slump recently, but Les Mis is always my favorite. I also have an ongoing love affair with Proust and Nabokov. 
Type of person: Honestly, anyone? I didn't think I would say that, but in my experience, everyone is a little better than you think they are. One of my main hoes in the Georgia hospital was a Republican! But it's not that I approve of bigots-- I would much rather spend my time with loving, genuine, caring people who have my best interests at heart.
Type of boy: i.e. person I'm attracted to: Kind, loving, smart, funny, patient, and a bit of a dork.
Game: Scrabble? I don't know, actually! I like drinking games and strip games LOL.
Song on the top ten: Blinding Lights by the Weeknd, or anything by Megan Thee Stallion.
Now my least favorites!
Season: Fall for its anxiety, winter for its despair, spring for its cloying blindness, summer for its emptiness.
Singer: I really couldn't say! I think everyone has merit, even if their style isn't for me.
Song: LOL okay so there was this song in the Sacred Harp hymnal that was basically outlining the reasons a woman should submit to a man, and it wasn't even melodically good. 
Color: All colors have their place in the spectrum, but I don't look good in brown.
Car: I don't think I have one! Though there are some that are products of problematic businesses for sure.
Animal: Animals are innocent creatures! Though I do have a problem with the brand of white people who will treat dogs better than people of color...
Food: Anything flavorless. I also don't like peanut butter, walnuts, bananas, catfish, or anything too sweet.
Cosmetic: Unethical ones. But, just so you know, Kat Von D has been removed from her makeup line, so it's okay to buy that SPANKIN eyeliner again!
Outfit: Everything in my wardrobe is something that I like, and it would be horribly rude to comment on other people's fashion choices!
Possession: Student debt :(
Perfume: I don't like anything too sweet. I prefer more "masculine" scents (love most cologne), or anything citrus or bitter. Vanilla smells nice on other people, but I don't personally like to wear anything that makes me smell edible (it gets to be too much). 
Drink: I don't like piña coladas or getting caught in the rain. 
Book: Hmm, literary tastes vary so much. Personally, I don't like clumsy spec fiction, preachy sci-fi, high fantasy, or pretentious white man books, but that's a personal taste preference.
Subject: I really do believe that every academic subject has its importance. However, I never really clicked with biology. It was cool; I liked it, but it wasn't my thing. However, I would absolutely love to take an entomology class, so maybe it was just a one-off thing.
Tyoe of person: I find it hard to get along with people who don't take me seriously, and with people who actively think I'm A) causing the Coronavirus B) leading impressionable children to their doom C) going to hell.
Type of boy: White Cishet Men, Am I Right?
Game: Boring games that don't have much to do with people. Poker is fun because it has to deal with psychology. Never Have I Ever is fun! Truth or Dare is fun! Spin the Bottle is fun! But things without that human element? Not fun :(

Emily and the others are off at a writer's retreat, so I'm taking the opportunity to have a self-centered night. I ordered some food, and I have some gin and the last of my weed, and I'm vibing. The only problem is deciding what I want to do, because I have too many options, and this is a very limited occurrence. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade cohabitation for anything, but there are some things that one can only do alone.

#sunily is canon!

So, that's the story. I'm getting married! I can't believe it. Like, I truly can barely believe it. The ring was three sizes too big, and we're trying to have it resized right now, so I don't have it as proof. I keep looking at the pictures I took on my phone. (Anselm voice) I can't believe it! Here's a list of questions about us as a couple to see if we're ready to get married LOL okay:

From this lovely list of fiction OTP prompts!

1. On vacation, who likes to do/see everything and who doesn’t mind just relaxing?

I want to do everything; Emily wants to relax

2. Who wants to travel the world and who is a home-body?

We both want to travel!

3. Who likes to dance when they think no one is looking and who grabs them to dance together?

Emily dances by herself; I try to make us dance together (and have!)

4. Who has a giant stack of unread books beside the bed?

Emily LOL this question was made for her

5. Who hoards things? (Not like, Hoarders-style)

Me

6. Who builds garden boxes and who actually gardens?

I won't even go near dirt. Emily likes gardening.

7. Who has to teach the other how to fold a fitted sheet?

Emily should definitely teach me at some point.

8. Who despises the other’s favorite food (Bonus: what is it?)

LOL Emily doesn't like sweet and savory mixed together, or things that are too spicy, and those are my favorite things!

9. Who offers massages when the other comes home from work dead on their feet?

I think both of us.

10. Who’s afraid of thunderstorms?

Emily

11. Who wants to try weed?

I smoke all the time 🍁

12. Who enjoys rainy days and who doesn’t?

We both don't mind them, but I'm the one who prefers sun more

13. Who begs for a pet and who finally gives in? (Bonus: what kind of pet?)

Emily wants the pet!

14. Who makes a chore schedule?

Emily suggests it and implements it; I create it and draw it up on pretty bullet-journal paper with washi tape and stickers.

15. Who has tons of stuffed animals and who swears Mr. Brown Bear stares at them?

We both have stuffed animals! But I have more.

16. Who cooks most often?

It's about equal, but maybe I cook a bit more.

17. Who is too shy to order food and so who actually calls to make takeout orders?

I take care of making the orders, unless I'm feeling anxious, and then Emily does it!

18. Who starts dabbling in witchcraft?

It really could be either of us.

19. Who always turns off the lights as they leave a room?

I do more often, but sometimes I forget!

20. Who plans out romantic nights and who does it spur of the moment?

Emily plans things; I take it as it comes.

21. Who gets up first and makes the coffee?

Me, almost 100% of the time

22. Who’s the vegetarian and who most certainly isn’t?

We both tried being veggie before!

23. Who just started watching gay porn for the first time and becomes obsessed?

We've both been watching gay porn for a long time 🌚

24. Who lays on the other’s chest and who strokes the other’s hair?

Usually Emily lies on me, and I do like to play with her hair! I only tend to lie on her when I'm anxious.

25. Who has more friends then the other?

I have more friends!

26. Who has a higher threshold for pain?

Emily probably does, because it happens to her more often. 

27. Who can’t sleep at night when the other is away?

Emily has trouble sleeping in general, whereas I usually knock out within about ten minutes regardless of where I am, so I'm going to say her.

28. Who does the dishes and who does the laundry?

We take turns with both.

29. Who would rather have Oreos while watching Netflix and who would rather have pizza? (Bonus: preferred pizza toppings for both?)

Emily would rather have Oreos (her favorite pizza topping is corn); I would rather have pizza (favorite topping is pineapple).

30. Who throws the water bottles in the trash bin and who keeps reminding them that THEY GO IN THE RECYCLE BIN?

I think we're both guilty of throwing things in the wrong bin, so we don't really say anything.

31. Who’s always on time and who is always late?

Emily is devastatingly punctual; I have trouble remembering that time exists.

32. (Having just moved in with each other) Who has to get used to the other wearing nothing to bed?

Emily did have to get used to me wearing hardly anything because I overheat.

33. Who replies in an argument, “bite me” and who actually bites them?

I feel like I would say the "bite me," but we don't really argue like that.

34. Who is the more outdoorsy type and who would rather stay in and read?

If it's outdoors like hiking, then Emily, but if it's outdoors like "going out in a place with civilization" then me.

35. Who is ticklish and who takes advantage of it?

I'm not ticklish, so it must be her, but I wouldn't take advantage of it.

36. Who initiates a prank war and who ignores it, hoping that the other will stop?

I think I would be the one to initiate the prank war.

37. Who is deathly afraid of insects and who has to kill them every time because the other is too scared to go anywhere near them?

Emily is only scared of a few insects, so I take care of those, but I don't kill them! >:O

38. Who has placed mistletoe in every room of the house to get in as many kisses as possible and who is exasperatedly questioning ‘this is the 5th time today WHERE IS ALL THIS MISTLETOE COMING FROM?’ before sighing and leaning in

I'm the one who puts the mistletoe!

39. Who bugs the other while they’re trying to get work done?

Me, because I can't focus and it's hard to keep my mouth shut.

40. Who was the first to initiate contact (physical or otherwise)?

I'm more flirty, but Emily is more brave, so she usually initiates.

41. Who is more open about their sex lives? (You decide how to interpret “open”)

Both of us, really.

42. Who constantly steals food off the plate of the other? 

I feel like I would be the one to steal food, but only if she's okay with it or offers.

43. Who knows Bohemian Rhapsody by heart?

I definitely do. I think she does too.

44. Who is more likely to win a sing off?

Me.

45. When confronted by idiots, who stands their ground?

Probably me, to my own detriment.

46. When playing hide and seek, who can’t stop giggling?

Emily, because I play to WIN.

47. Who is most likely to cry while in the theater?

Emily. 

48. What ridiculous task would your otp perform for a Klondike bar? (Both of them)

I would flirt my way into getting an easy task. Emily wouldn't care that much, but would perform any task that she was given with ease.

49. What their nicknames are for each other?

We don't really do nicknames, because we're both too shy, I think LOL

50. What is the most trivial thing they fight over?

Food opinions, probably.

51. Who leaves their stuff around?

Emily, but I do as well to some extent.

52. Who makes fun of the other for having a crush on them only for the other to remind them that they’re married

I probably make fun of her.

53. Who becomes a human baby when they get sick?

Emily probably, because I don't admit that there's anything wrong with me when I'm sick until I pass out (but after that, I do become a bit of a baby).

54. If they were to go to the beach, who would lounge under the sun, and who would actually swim?

I would swim more, but we would both play in the water.

55. Who tells the other to quit bouncing their leg/fidgeting?

Emily has to tell me to stop fidgeting !

56. Who remembers what the other one always orders at a restaurant?

We both know each other's orders.

57. Who gets the window seat?

Me, because I get motion sick easily, and also because I feel like she would give it to me if I asked.

58. Who leaves little notes in the other’s one lunch? (Bonus: what does it say?)

I leave the notes, and they're sappy and covered in cute doodles and stickers.

59. Who carries all the important documents while traveling?

I do, because Emily loses things.

60. Who checks the prices while grocery shopping?

We both do.

61. Who sneaks in cookies in the shopping cart?

Probably me, but only if I'm the one paying.

62. Who would discreetly pinch the other one’s butt in public?

Probably me.

63. Who’s prone to road rage? 

I used to have bad road rage. Emily doesn't drive, so I'm not sure what she would do.

64. Who talks to questionable strangers?

Me, definitely me.

65. Who wears nothing but their underwear around the house for a whole day?

I once spent the whole day naked.

66. Who is more amenable to cross-dressing?

Me. I'd love to pass as a guy sometimes!

67. Who shrinks clothes in the wash?

Me, but I think it could happen to either of us.

68. Are birthday cakes homemade? If so, who makes them?

They are, and Emily makes them.

69. Who deals with the door-to-door Mormons? How do they handle it?

I deal with it, because Emily can't say no to people. I would probably be polite, yet firm, and just tell them we're not interested. 

70. Can they put together something from Ikea together, successfully?

Yes! Emily is good at reading instructions.

71. Who is more forgiving?

Both of us are pretty forgiving. I feel like I do more that needs to be forgiven, though.

72. What would they do if one was bitten by a zombie?

Cry.

73. What do they watch on TV when they are bored?

Emily usually shows me things that I missed out on in my deprived childhood.

74. Who thinks “what a dork I love them so much” more often?

Probably Emily, because I do more dorky things.

75. If they were dogs, what kind would they be?

I would be Emily's dog Kasper, who's smart, but also a dumbass. We've discussed this.

76. What are their favorite emojis? (Both of them!)

Mine is 💖 or 🌚 and hers is 🌹

77. Who pushes the door when it says pull?

Both of us, but I think I would be more likely to.

78. Who doesn’t take sugar in their coffee and who puts in far too much?

Neither of us takes sugar. She likes sweets more than I do, though.

79. Who wears the ugly-ass shoes and who screams “WHAT ARE THOOOOSE?!??”

Her fashion sense is questionable; I love fashion.

80. Who thinks lying is ok to save feelings (just little white lies), and who thinks complete honesty is always morally necessary?

I think she's more okay with white lies than I am, but we both do it.

81. Who tries to convince the other to let them adopt a dragon from the shelter?

Emily would want to adopt it.

82. Who makes the bed?

Both of us.

83. Who makes the other person marathon lord of the rings with them?

Emily, because I never make anyone watch anything (except Les Mis).

84. Who dunks themself into the sea straight away and who inches their way in painfully slowly and takes forever to get their torso in the water

I think Emily would get in, because that's the sensible thing to do, but I would do the inching.

85. Who sent the, “Do you like me? [ ] yes [ ] no” letter?

I was the one who confessed my feelings first.

86. Who is the one who jumps on the suspension bridge and who gets super freaked out and clings to the rails in terror

Neither of us would jump, that's mean.

87. Who would totally and unexpectedly destroy the other in a karaoke battle?

Me, because Emily doesn't really sing.

88. Who fell down the stairs, and who warned you about the stairs

I have fallen down the stairs before, and I will do it again. However, Emily is also clumsy, so it's a bit of a toss-up.

89. Who finds it pointless to hate little, insignificant things and who has a million and one pet peeves that are pretty worthless but they never stop ranting about it? (Bonus: name some of these pet peeves)

Emily is the one with the pet peeves, many of which include works of fiction.

90. Who has to catch the mouse, and who demands it be released outside, unharmed?

We would work together to catch it, and mutually agree to let it outside.

91. Who deadpans their puns and who can’t keep a straight face? (Bonus: include a Banna pun)

I make more puns, but Emily has better execution.

92. Is there a song they both know all the lyrics to? What song?

We both know a lot of musicals songs. 

93. In a heist, who is sneaking around corners and doing barrel rolls while the other one strolls along eating Doritos chocolate biscuits?

I feel like Emily would be all into it, and I wouldn't be taking it seriously at all.

94. Who buys matching ugly sweaters for Christmas?

Probably me.

95. Who knits? (Or is craftier, in general)

Emily for sure.

96. Who makes the best baked goods and who brings the treats everywhere to brag?

Emily makes the food; I bring it and brag and tell everyone the recipe.

97. Who would third wheel the fuck out of your otp

Somehow, I feel like it would be Natalie LOL

98. Who gets stuck in the cat tree and who is too busy laughing to call 911 help the other one out (911 seems excessive for “stuck in the cat tree”)?

I would probably get stuck, but Emily wouldn't laugh, and would call 911 immediately. 

99. Do they have a favorite mutual Disney movie? Do they know all the lyrics to the songs?

Probably Mulan. And of course we do!

100. Who unknowingly says very suggestive things?

Emily says them; I point them out.

101. Looking on their nightstand right now, what reading material would you find for both of them?

Emily likes fantasy and YA novels; I like nonfiction and scientific articles.

102. Do either of them play a musical instrument? If so, which one(s)?

I play violin and viola!

103. Who cracks really bad jokes and who doesn’t have the heart to tell them?

I'm definitely the one making the jokes-- and I DO

104. Who initiates the paint war? Who one wins?

I initiate it; she wins it.

105. Who has the more complicated Starbucks order (Bonus: what is it?)

Neither of us have a complicated order, because we feel bad.