I don't want to do anything. I need to eat, but I don't want to. Nothing seems good. And I need to exercise, but I don't want to do that, either. And then I have to go do some volunteer stuff for the clinic, and I have therapy at 2, but I don't want to do either of those. I've been having a hard time lately, especially with motivation. I don't know what's going on, but I've been so irritable, and I feel like I'm just pacing in circles, trying to make time go faster. I'm waiting for something to happen, but I also don't want anything to happen, because then I would have to get off my ass. It's very difficult. I think I'm going to drink broth. That's the only thing that sounds vaguely appetizing. I guess broth isn't the most nutritious thing in the world, but it's something. Besides, I need to lose weight, anyway. I'm overweight for my size (or at least I will be if I keep eating burgers and chicken all the time) (although I've sort of stopped doing that). I've even been eating brown rice lately. And I haven't been using quite as much butter, although of course, I still use it. But I'm still fat. How could my own body betray me like this!
Okay, I have bouillon broth now! It's basically salty, flavored water, but at least it will be something in my stomach. And I had an energy drink when I woke up, so this is like 2x what I usually eat during the morning. Can I get a hell yeah?
Surprisingly, I'm actually feeling a bit better now that I'm sipping this broth. It's weird how quickly that worked. I wonder if it's because it's warm? I heard somewhere (not from a credible source, though) that hot tea is good because the warmth makes us feel psychologically better. I don't know if that's true, but this does seem to be helping. And there are no chunks of things, so I don't have to chew anything. Which sounds silly, I know, but during my most depressed days, I would avoid eating anything that wasn't soft, because chewing was too hard. And it's so easy to make! I didn't have to cook anything! I like cooking, but again, it's very overwhelming sometimes, like right now.
What's really good is that my alcohol cravings have gone down. It was almost unbearable last night. I took some edibles, but I knew that they wouldn't work, so I don't know if that counts as anything. Probably, but whatever. I still didn't get high or drunk. I think it's really good that I managed to stay strong, although part of that was really circumstantial-- Mom would have given me a really hard time if I'd gone out and come back with a bottle of whiskey. But I guess I could have figured out a way anyway. I shouldn't diminish my accomplishments! I did manage to stay sober, even though it was really, really hard, and that's nothing to sneeze at! So, good job to me.
But, you know, I didn't go to an AA meeting, so I guess it's all nil, right?
I think I'll get another energy drink on my way to work (volunteer). I feel so depleted, and I don't know how I'm supposed to get through this whole entire day without collapsing or going nonverbal, and I honestly don't think 2.75 is too much to spend for a little bit of serotonin. Energy drinks really do keep me going, and I don't think there's any shame in that.
E's grandmother, the person she's closest to in this world, is dying, and I don't know what to do. I've never experienced a loss like that, and I don't want to make everything worse, but I feel like I probably will somehow. It's so awful, and nothing I do or say can make things any better. I just want to be there for her. I want to take her soup, and cuddle her, and take her to nice places, and just be a strong force to lean on. I could do it! Yeah, I'm struggling real bad, but I can still reach out to the people I love and be there for them. This is extremely selfish, but I'm wondering if E will be able to come and visit still. I mean, I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to anymore. This is a really hard time for her, and it wouldn't be easy to change continents for a week. But at the same time, I really hope she does come, because then I could offer love and support in person. I just want to take care of her during this time, and it would be much easier to do that if we were physically together. But I understand her not wanting to, also, so I just have to be patient.
I'm also stressed, because it seems like my friends are all doing badly, too. I'm a limited resource, and I can't be there for everyone all the time, but I want to be, and I don't know what to do to help anyone. I'm so privileged, and yet I'm just sitting on my ass and not doing anything to make this world better. It's really bad! But then, I'm also super selfish, so I like to take time for myself, like a few minutes or hours at a time (depending on crisis) just to ignore messages and do things I like.
And then there's what's happening in the world. It seems to get worse every day, and I don't know how to keep on keeping on. It's overwhelming. I like news, and I like politics and being informed, but I can't keep reading this horrible things and expect to be okay.
Still, I really don't have anything to complain about. I have to stay strong and stoic and not whine, because that's Bad. And I'm not going to crack this time. I'll be fine.