I got into Coventry University, in Coventry, England!
England, you say skeptically. Why on earth would you want to go there? I hear you! It's a big change, and perhaps might not be a very good idea at this point in time. But let me tell you, there are many good assets to think about that makes moving to the UK quite an attractive option. For one thing, there's the fact that European programs are shorter than American ones. I would only have to do a year for my MA. And then, there's the fact that it's a bit cheaper. That's always nice. There's also a research focus, and lots of psycholinguistics, and best of all, I wouldn't have to lie around the house all day anymore. I would be doing something! Am I sad that I have to defer the idea of getting my PhD straight out of undergrad? Of course. But it's just that, a deferment. I can get my Masters, and then when I apply for doctoral programs, I'll have more credentials, and hopefully, can get into Stanford, USC, or UCLA (my top three).
I applied for other schools in England, too, so we'll see where I actually end up going. Some are for psychology or cognitive neuroscience (like Coventry), and others are for linguistics. One was actually for psycholinguistics, but I don't think I'm going to get in there, because it was the first one I applied to, and my personal statement was really bad. But either way, I'll have a BA in linguistics, an MA in either linguistics or psychology, and (cross your fingers for the future) a PhD in linguistics, specializing in psycholinguistics. I think that fits together nicely! Besides, I miss cognitive science. I want to take more classes in it, and really explore the arena, because I feel like I didn't get to do that as much at UCLA. I was only minoring in cogsci, so I didn't get the full scope. If I do end up going to Coventry, or Birmingham, or Sussex, I think I would really enjoy myself.
I hope this doesn't mean that I decide not to do linguistics. But maybe it will. Maybe I'll decide to become a clinical psychologist, or a researcher, depending on what type of psychology I choose to focus on. Wow, there's literally so much I could do in this world, and I don't even know where to start. Why can't I just learn everything? I guess it's a good thing, though. It means that I'll never be bored. I'm just a little stressed, though, because I don't know what my future is going to be. Of course, we never really know, but it feels more nebulous than it ever was before. For awhile, I didn't know if I was even going to get to go back to school at all, and now I do, but it's so unfamiliar. I'm not good with change. It's really hard for me. I like to be assured that what I'm doing will work out, and it's stressful not to know if it will. But I guess that's faith, isn't it? I need more of that.
Something else I'm excited about: E is coming to visit! She's coming in early June, so it's only a bit more than a month away. I'm really excited! We're going to spend half the week in LA, and half in Vegas, although we could be anywhere, and I would be happy, because we would be together. I feel like when I visited her, I didn't shoot my shot, but this time, I'm going to at least be able to hold her hand when we go out places. Like wow man, I know I have issues with physical touch, but I didn't think it was going to be that bad! (To be clear-- I like being touched. I just feel creepy when I touch other people, because the only touch I experienced growing up was creepy) I'm already trying to plan outfits, and decide which of my numerous pairs of false eyelashes to bring, and I need to buy some new shoes, because I don't have any plain black pumps, and I probably ought to up my workout regimen, because my belly fat isn't going down as quickly as I'd like it to. And then, I have to think about whether or not I actually want those blonde highlights, because damn it would look good, but it's a little expensive, and I have to consider-- would it be better to save the money and see a show in Vegas? As you can see, there's a lot to consider here. And I really need a job. I teach violin on the weekends, but that only brings in about 100 bucks per week (maybe 130, if all my students show up), and I need something more stable. Not that $100 is bad, but I would like to have more.
So, my therapist told me that I need to be able to access my emotions without using marijuana. He told me that I should journal about how I'm feeling, and hopefully, the emotions will come out. So, here we go:
I feel frustrated and defeated. I'm hopeful and optimistic, yes, and that's what I'm going to show to the world. But I haven't gotten over what happened in Georgia, and I still feel, like... fragile. I'm scared that the same thing is going to happen, that I really haven't recovered, that I'm just going to get worse again, and I'll be in a foreign country with not as many resources (although my visa will grant me access to the NHS, so that's a good thing). I'm trying to appear confident, because I don't want to worry anyone, and I don't want them to think that I'm not ready for this. I want to talk about my apprehensions without being told that I'm still too sick, and I shouldn't go. I guess it makes sense that I haven't exactly garnered trust; my track record has been piss-poor these past few years. It's honestly amazing that everyone is being as supportive as they are. I don't want to take that for granted, and I don't want to sound like an ungrateful brat, because they care about me, and that's amazing. They're just worried out of love. But I do feel like people don't think of me as an adult. They think of me as a very overgrown sick child. It's frustrating, because I want to be taken seriously, and I want agency and independence and autonomy, but it's hard to feel like a whole person when no one else seems to agree.
But even as I say that, I know it's not true. Lots of people are incredibly supportive. Not everyone thinks of me as a child, and not everyone thinks they know better than I do how to run my life. It's not fair of me to make sweeping generalizations-- "everyone thinks I'm a baby! I'll never get what I want!"-- because that's not true. I have a tendency towards black-and-white thinking (along with many other unhelpful cognitive distortions), and I have to remember to focus on the shades of gray in between the two extremes.
I'm going to go pick up Talia from school in an hour, and I don't know what to do with my time until then. I feel restless and energetic, but also sort of unwilling to do anything, if that makes sense. I guess I'll push through it and do a mini workout (I have an app on my phone). Or should I wait? I just had lunch (yay me), so maybe it would make my stomach hurt if I worked out. Or maybe not. I think I'm going to try it, and what will be will be.