I'm in England! I moved here, and now I'm living with E, and we're doing the real couple thing-- she's even listed as my next-of-kin on my medical forms, and yeah, that's just because my actual next-of-kin is in America, but it's still really cool! I start school in twenty-nine days, and I can't wait. And that's what you missed on Glee!
Okay, so. Anxiety. I've been feeling it ever since I got on the plane. Something's bothering me, and I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's just the uncomfortable adjustment period? But I don't know. I feel like I've done something wrong, and everyone is just putting up with me for it. What could I have done? I don't know. Mind you, there's literally no indication that I should feel this way, but oh boy, do I! I'm afraid that everything is going to blow up in my face. Oh well. I guess, live and learn, right?
Yesterday, I was at E's family home, which was super cool because it's in a little village and has her adorable dog contained therein (I don't even like dogs, especially loud, hyper ones, but Kasper won my heart), and she was tired (and hungover LOL) so she took a nap, and I spent the afternoon reading articles on PubMed. It wasn't the most productive use of my time, but I feel like I have a bit more of a handle on the basics of schema therapy, and the dangers of thought-stopping in OCD. All this is to say, though, I want to do a little schema therapy on myself. I did a bit yesterday before I slept, and it was helpful in allowing me to settle down and calm down enough to sleep, so I think it could be good to do some now.
So, yesterday I identified the schema of rejection-slash-loneliness-slash-neglect, which makes perfect sense, because I grew up like that. It's a textbook case, really. But are there any more? Powerlessness comes to mind. But why do I feel that now? I have a lot of power. I think it might be because I feel like I don't have a voice. I'm afraid to say anything if something upsets me, because of the other schema-- I can't stand the thought of being alone, so I'll do anything to prevent that. And of course, isolating on purpose is totally different from being abandoned. It's safer, actually, and sometimes then people come and check up on me, and it feels nice. But that's not healthy, of course, and every time I feel the urge to do that, I try to do opposite action and reach out to someone instead. Which is great! But now I feel sort of cut off from my support system, and I don't know how to reach out to E's friends yet. They seem to like me, but I feel like it's because I'm dating E, not because I'm especially fun to be around. Anyway, the two other main childhood maladaptive schemas are mistrust/abuse, and defectiveness/shame, and I think I buy into both of them.
I don't trust people not to mistreat me. I expect simultaneously the worst and the best of everyone. I believe people have good intentions, but there's something about me that brings out the worst in them after awhile, so if they spend more time with me, they'll grow to hate me, and will mistreat me. At the same time, though, I'm friendly with strangers, and have no problem making friends with random people. I also seem to expect everyone to treat me like a princess, which most people do. So that's not a very good thing. But let's explore the mistrust/abuse thing. My first serious relationship was when I was eighteen, and it was really bad and emotionally abusive. That's probably where some of that comes from. But then there's my childhood, too. Why do I feel that everyone's love is conditional? I mean, literally everyone except Talia. She's the only person in this world whom I fully trust. I know that sounds sad, but she's my family. My chosen family, I mean, not just blood relatives. Because I love the rest of my family (minus my horrible father), but they're not on the same level as Talia is. She is, in E's words, the important one. We've had each other's backs forever, and we always will. So I know that she, at least, will never desert me. But what about everyone else? I feel like if I take the wrong step, everyone will get tired of me, and either leave me or treat me bad. It's a pretty exhausting way to live life, honestly, so vigilant and wary all the time. That's why I'm so quiet sometimes. I feel like no one wants to hear what I have to say, or that it will be the wrong thing and will make them upset. I have to be perfect.
Ah.
So is perfectionism an early childhood maladaptive schema? I don't think so. But I do think it could be tied into the others. I have to be perfect because if I'm not, people will abandon me or treat me badly-- and if I'm imperfect, I'm defective and worthless. That hits all three of them. Damn, psychotherapy really does go there. What else can I learn about myself? So, I believe that the thing to do is challenge the schemas with healthier ones? But what if it's not? What if that makes it worse? After all, thought-stopping is supposed to make OCD worse (which tracks, because when I try to push away the intrusive thoughts, they do seem to come back stronger). But I don't see how acknowledging, then replacing unhealthy schemas could be bad. So let's try.
Core belief: I am fundamentally defective.
Challenge: I am neither more nor less defective than anyone else.
Core belief: Everyone will leave me.
Challenge: Some people may leave me, and some people may stay.
Core belief: People will hurt me if I step out of line.
Challenge: Some people may hurt me, but that's on them, as long as I'm not hurting anyone.
Wow, that felt goddamn therapeutic. I'm doing great.What else do I do now? I guess I'll sort of talk and see what comes out.
Sometimes, I feel like I don't have anything to say. I think I'm boring. For most of my life, I would read anything, because that was all I could do. It was my escape, my education, my salvation. Accordingly, I read some really bad fantasy and YA lit books, but when I got to the end of high school, I started reading only good literature, and that kind of spoiled me. Now, I can't read a book if it's not well-written. And the thing is, I don't like fantasy or science fiction or magic. I didn't like Harry Potter, and I don't see the appeal of Star Wars. Give me political intrigue, or psychological drama, or complex interpersonal relationships, or social commentary, or anything that's based in fact. Nabokov, Proust, Dostoevsky, Victor Hugo (why is he the only one who gets his full name written out LOL it feels right, though)-- sometimes I feel like they're writing directly to me. And don't even get me started on non-fiction! I said earlier that I spent all afternoon reading scientific articles. That's fun for me! I like that! Poor writing doesn't bother me quite so much in there, because there's no story to butcher, and no characters to design badly. So, okay. I'm a snob. I am! I'm a horrible literary (and artistic) snob. And unfortunately, I live in a house full of creative writing students, and I'm so scared that they're not good at what they do, and I'll have to pretend to like their projects. I know E is good at what she does, because I've read her works, and most of them feel like a punch to the gut or a passionate kiss (or both), and I know one of the friends is really good at poetry because I follow her poetry Instagram, and the poems are extraordinary (or... most of them are; some sort of miss the mark). But the others? I don't know! I don't know how to lie, either, so I feel like if I don't like what they write, it'll be really obvious. I guess I just have to hope that they don't ask me. Or, I can go with the whole "oh I'm sorry, I don't think I get it" and just make them think I'm dumb instead of rude. Now, if I could read any book right now, what would it be? Okay, well, other than Les Misérables, because I read that all the time. Omg, no. You know what I want to read? This specific essay on Crime and Punishment, comparing Dostoevsky with Sylvia Plath. I read it in high school while I was procrastinating calculus homework, and I haven't forgotten it. That's the kind of shit I need. Mmm, poetry :D I do love poetry, so very much. And drama, too. I really like plays. If I weren't a bad writer, I would write plays, because I feel like my strength is dialogue. I sort of feel like writing now. Maybe it would be good for me. I only write fan fiction (which I never publish), because I feel like I'm not good enough to write anything else. But that's perfectionism talking. I know for a fact that I'm better at writing than some of the authors out there. Anyway, though, all of this was a long-winded introduction to the fact that I don't quite fit in. I'm boring, and I don't have the same sense of humor, and I have too many opinions. Like, I violently dislike certain characters, and it's not that I want them out of the story, because of course they make it a good story by being horrible, but also... I don't care about all these white people. And why do all the women get fridged? E and I started watching Killing Eve, and that's so good, and I'm 100% invested, but I don't really want to watch the rest of Penny Dreadful. It's good, I admit that, but there are so few people of color. Actually, I can't think of any main PoC on the show (though I only got through season one). I don't care about characters doing problematic things; that's good writing. I care about the writers doing problematic things. Like making the trans woman be played by a man? You really don't have to do that. I'm just saying, Laverne Cox is right there. Anyway, I don't like the same things that everyone else does, and I'm afraid they're going to get mad at me. I don't think they'd be interested in hearing about what I like, so I have to adapt, but oh my gosh, so many white sad-boys. So many! And magic :/ I don't fuck with magic, okay. It's only okay when I write it, because then I can control the story and not put giant plot holes everywhere, and not make some kind of dumb hand-wavey explanation of the purely illogical and nonsensical "rules" of the universe. Some authors are pretty good, I mean I do enjoy a Tamora Pierce novel on occasion. But most of them? Oh boy. I get that magic isn't scientific, and maybe that bothers my empirical mind (read that with a touch of irony), but I do think that if it's the system that the world runs on, it has to make some amount of sense. Worldbuilding is difficult. I know it is. Maybe that's why I enjoy things based in our world, because then the author doesn't have to create everything anew. There's nothing worse than getting invested in a medieval sword fight, and then seeing the squire spout off an "okay, boss." It ruins it! If you're going to do magic, you have to do it right. New slang, new social rules, new foods, new folktales. I need realism in my unrealism. Oh, and the other thing that bothers me is that a lot of magical books are pretty racist. It's always the "big brutish barbarians with their swarthy skin" or the "delicate porcelain ladies of the East who fight with fans and don't show emotion" (you think I'm joking, but these are both things I've seen). Why would you choose to play into stereotypes? Especially harmful stereotypes? I don't think many black or brown people would take kindly to being cast as big, scary savages, and I know that I don't like the Dragon Lady thing. Honestly, magical fiction is such a rich, untapped area. You could do anything. And still, people decide to be racist and boring. Such a shame. It's the same with science fiction and stuff, too. Okay, now I get it. My problem isn't with spec fiction; it's with bad spec fiction. And there does seem to be a lot of it, now, doesn't there? But I have to branch out. I have to stop being such a snob, stuck in my ivory tower while the world around me turns.
I just got a glimpse of my future. Sometimes, that happens, like I'll be sitting there, and suddenly a flash of understanding will come to me, in an impression, rather than a specific scenario. I don't know how accurate these are, and it's not that I think I'm clairvoyant or anything, but it's sort of comforting to think that I might have a future after all. I think I'm going to become a clinical psychologist. I sort of see it. I don't know if academia is lucrative enough, honestly, and if I'm going to have the life I want, I need to have money. I want a house, a clean, pretty house with lots of storage space and a king-sized bed, a car that doesn't break down every few months, no debts, the ability to travel and treat my friends to lunch, and the money to buy my mom everything she wants. As long as I have that, that's all I need. I don't need designer clothes or perfume (though of course, that would be nice). I don't need two cars. I don't need the newest phone. I don't need any of that. I just want to take care of the people I love. But you know, I think I could be a clinical psychologist. I would be good at it, I know that. And there's quite a need for good mental health professionals. So, here's the plan (since no one will read this blog and think that I'm being unrealistic): I finish my MA at York, get into UCL for the doctorate in clinical psychology, and work to support me and E while she writes (and I'm sure she would work, too). It would be hard, and very expensive, but I lived in LA. I think we can find a way. Then, we get married in my last year of school, and once I graduate, we move to LA. I'll therapytize people, she'll write, and once Talia is done with med school, she'll come and live in the apartment next door. Cece will be there, too. It will be hard, and I know we'll go through some difficult times, but I believe that we can do it, if E doesn't leave me first. I just need to get all my ducks in a row and be really proactive with research so I can get into UCL. London is the best place for publishing, so it would be the logical choice for us to move there, and honestly, it would be pretty fun to live in such a busy and storied place. I don't know if any of this can happen, but I didn't think I would get into any grad schools at all, and yet look where I am now, so maybe I just have to keep on believing.
Oh yeah! I forgot to mention, but I met E's sister, and her mom and step-dad! They seemed really nice, but I know things about them, so I was kind of :/ internally, but the meetings went well! They seemed to like me well enough, and the mom said something along the lines of "next time you're here, we'll be more awake," (it was early) which implies that she wants me to come back, so that's a good thing! And the sister followed me back on Instagram! I feel kind of cool, meeting E's family like this. It makes me feel official. She wouldn't introduce me to them if she wasn't serious about me, would she? And she wouldn't ask me to move in. Okay.
I feel better now, actually. Writing helped! Maybe I'll write some letters now.
Sunday, September 1, 2019
Tuesday, July 16, 2019
I've been living fast and free these past few weeks, but somehow, I haven't really been spending that much money. It's been really really fun, actually. I have weed money and gas money, and that's all I need. My friends are great, and we've been hanging out and talking a lot! According to Screen Time on my phone, I get an average of 304 notifications per day. Probably half of those are news, Tumblr, etc, but 150 messages a day ain't bad. It's been nice. I feel like I'm finally on my way to living my best life. I cleared out all the notifications on my phone, and now I can answer things on time without being overwhelmed and feeling guilty, and boy, am I answering them! I don't think I've had many days to just sit at home and do nothing since The Visit, and it's so great. I feel like I'm getting close with people to whom I haven't really given a chance, if that makes sense. I was so wrapped up in my own head that I didn't consider that people might want to be my friend, and that I should let them. I never thought I would get so close to Goldie and Lils, and I never thought I'd be hanging out with Carol! But now I'm trying to get Cesar to give me a show date so we can go see him play. And Eliza, too-- it's a little weird, being friends with someone who was friends with Anselm first, but she's a lovely person, and I love to know her. She's coming over today, actually!
But in the midst of all this, there's a dark spot, and that dark spot is my best friend. For awhile now, I've felt that she doesn't truly know me as a person. Yes, she knows things about me, but she doesn't know me. Not in the way that Cece does. I think Cece is really the one who deserves the title of best friend, and I don't know why it's taken me so long to see it. She's amazing and incredible, and I love her so much, and I can't believe I was that selfish and toxic. But there's no point in dwelling on it. I just have to go towards the future and make things better. I don't know what to do about P, though, because she sort of hurt my feelings. We all went out, and she got super super drunk and I'm pretty sure I overheard her telling Henry about the night two years ago when I got blackout drunk, even though she's done that several times since and never acknowledged it, and I made sure to apologize profusely and never do it again, so I don't know. But at any rate, she didn't have to do that, and I think it was pretty rude. I think she told him about my alcoholism, too, and when Carol bought us a round of drinks, she was like "you're not going to finish that, right" and I couldn't, and goddamn it, I really wanted to. It was an Adios, and I used to drink those in college, so it was a fun sort of memory. But no, she had to drink it. I didn't pay for it, so I'm not that mad, but I'm a little mad. It's this on top of everything else that makes me want to do something mean, and so I did: I invited Goldie to LA to visit Chanel with me, and didn't even ask if P was free. We're going to have a fun road trip by ourselves, and maybe we'll actually get to have a real conversation for once. I'm so very excited! I think it's going to be a great time.
And then, I'm leaving for England soon! I don't know exactly when, so I can't buy tickets yet, but it's coming up. Maybe a month? I'm not sure, but hopefully it will be soon. I can't wait to be with E and live with her (!!!) and just enjoy life. It's really exciting. Life really does have a way of working out.
I feel like I'm becoming myself now. I've grown a lot, and now I think I finally feel like a 24-year-old. Finally, right? But I've overcome a lot, and it's good. I'm proud of where I am.
But in the midst of all this, there's a dark spot, and that dark spot is my best friend. For awhile now, I've felt that she doesn't truly know me as a person. Yes, she knows things about me, but she doesn't know me. Not in the way that Cece does. I think Cece is really the one who deserves the title of best friend, and I don't know why it's taken me so long to see it. She's amazing and incredible, and I love her so much, and I can't believe I was that selfish and toxic. But there's no point in dwelling on it. I just have to go towards the future and make things better. I don't know what to do about P, though, because she sort of hurt my feelings. We all went out, and she got super super drunk and I'm pretty sure I overheard her telling Henry about the night two years ago when I got blackout drunk, even though she's done that several times since and never acknowledged it, and I made sure to apologize profusely and never do it again, so I don't know. But at any rate, she didn't have to do that, and I think it was pretty rude. I think she told him about my alcoholism, too, and when Carol bought us a round of drinks, she was like "you're not going to finish that, right" and I couldn't, and goddamn it, I really wanted to. It was an Adios, and I used to drink those in college, so it was a fun sort of memory. But no, she had to drink it. I didn't pay for it, so I'm not that mad, but I'm a little mad. It's this on top of everything else that makes me want to do something mean, and so I did: I invited Goldie to LA to visit Chanel with me, and didn't even ask if P was free. We're going to have a fun road trip by ourselves, and maybe we'll actually get to have a real conversation for once. I'm so very excited! I think it's going to be a great time.
And then, I'm leaving for England soon! I don't know exactly when, so I can't buy tickets yet, but it's coming up. Maybe a month? I'm not sure, but hopefully it will be soon. I can't wait to be with E and live with her (!!!) and just enjoy life. It's really exciting. Life really does have a way of working out.
I feel like I'm becoming myself now. I've grown a lot, and now I think I finally feel like a 24-year-old. Finally, right? But I've overcome a lot, and it's good. I'm proud of where I am.
Saturday, June 22, 2019
Happy June! It's Pride Month, Babey! And what do you know, this month has been exceptionally gay. It's been wonderful. E came to visit, and we had such an amazing time. I didn't take my meds last night, and so have no energy to talk about all of it, but rest assured, it was wonderful. Now, I'm actually going to lie on my bed, because damn, my energy is Not Here. I feel strangely emo, too. It sucks. I really should make sure to take my meds!
Okay, I'll update this later!
Okay, I'll update this later!
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
I don't want to do anything. I need to eat, but I don't want to. Nothing seems good. And I need to exercise, but I don't want to do that, either. And then I have to go do some volunteer stuff for the clinic, and I have therapy at 2, but I don't want to do either of those. I've been having a hard time lately, especially with motivation. I don't know what's going on, but I've been so irritable, and I feel like I'm just pacing in circles, trying to make time go faster. I'm waiting for something to happen, but I also don't want anything to happen, because then I would have to get off my ass. It's very difficult. I think I'm going to drink broth. That's the only thing that sounds vaguely appetizing. I guess broth isn't the most nutritious thing in the world, but it's something. Besides, I need to lose weight, anyway. I'm overweight for my size (or at least I will be if I keep eating burgers and chicken all the time) (although I've sort of stopped doing that). I've even been eating brown rice lately. And I haven't been using quite as much butter, although of course, I still use it. But I'm still fat. How could my own body betray me like this!
Okay, I have bouillon broth now! It's basically salty, flavored water, but at least it will be something in my stomach. And I had an energy drink when I woke up, so this is like 2x what I usually eat during the morning. Can I get a hell yeah?
Surprisingly, I'm actually feeling a bit better now that I'm sipping this broth. It's weird how quickly that worked. I wonder if it's because it's warm? I heard somewhere (not from a credible source, though) that hot tea is good because the warmth makes us feel psychologically better. I don't know if that's true, but this does seem to be helping. And there are no chunks of things, so I don't have to chew anything. Which sounds silly, I know, but during my most depressed days, I would avoid eating anything that wasn't soft, because chewing was too hard. And it's so easy to make! I didn't have to cook anything! I like cooking, but again, it's very overwhelming sometimes, like right now.
What's really good is that my alcohol cravings have gone down. It was almost unbearable last night. I took some edibles, but I knew that they wouldn't work, so I don't know if that counts as anything. Probably, but whatever. I still didn't get high or drunk. I think it's really good that I managed to stay strong, although part of that was really circumstantial-- Mom would have given me a really hard time if I'd gone out and come back with a bottle of whiskey. But I guess I could have figured out a way anyway. I shouldn't diminish my accomplishments! I did manage to stay sober, even though it was really, really hard, and that's nothing to sneeze at! So, good job to me.
But, you know, I didn't go to an AA meeting, so I guess it's all nil, right?
I think I'll get another energy drink on my way to work (volunteer). I feel so depleted, and I don't know how I'm supposed to get through this whole entire day without collapsing or going nonverbal, and I honestly don't think 2.75 is too much to spend for a little bit of serotonin. Energy drinks really do keep me going, and I don't think there's any shame in that.
E's grandmother, the person she's closest to in this world, is dying, and I don't know what to do. I've never experienced a loss like that, and I don't want to make everything worse, but I feel like I probably will somehow. It's so awful, and nothing I do or say can make things any better. I just want to be there for her. I want to take her soup, and cuddle her, and take her to nice places, and just be a strong force to lean on. I could do it! Yeah, I'm struggling real bad, but I can still reach out to the people I love and be there for them. This is extremely selfish, but I'm wondering if E will be able to come and visit still. I mean, I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to anymore. This is a really hard time for her, and it wouldn't be easy to change continents for a week. But at the same time, I really hope she does come, because then I could offer love and support in person. I just want to take care of her during this time, and it would be much easier to do that if we were physically together. But I understand her not wanting to, also, so I just have to be patient.
I'm also stressed, because it seems like my friends are all doing badly, too. I'm a limited resource, and I can't be there for everyone all the time, but I want to be, and I don't know what to do to help anyone. I'm so privileged, and yet I'm just sitting on my ass and not doing anything to make this world better. It's really bad! But then, I'm also super selfish, so I like to take time for myself, like a few minutes or hours at a time (depending on crisis) just to ignore messages and do things I like.
And then there's what's happening in the world. It seems to get worse every day, and I don't know how to keep on keeping on. It's overwhelming. I like news, and I like politics and being informed, but I can't keep reading this horrible things and expect to be okay.
Still, I really don't have anything to complain about. I have to stay strong and stoic and not whine, because that's Bad. And I'm not going to crack this time. I'll be fine.
Okay, I have bouillon broth now! It's basically salty, flavored water, but at least it will be something in my stomach. And I had an energy drink when I woke up, so this is like 2x what I usually eat during the morning. Can I get a hell yeah?
Surprisingly, I'm actually feeling a bit better now that I'm sipping this broth. It's weird how quickly that worked. I wonder if it's because it's warm? I heard somewhere (not from a credible source, though) that hot tea is good because the warmth makes us feel psychologically better. I don't know if that's true, but this does seem to be helping. And there are no chunks of things, so I don't have to chew anything. Which sounds silly, I know, but during my most depressed days, I would avoid eating anything that wasn't soft, because chewing was too hard. And it's so easy to make! I didn't have to cook anything! I like cooking, but again, it's very overwhelming sometimes, like right now.
What's really good is that my alcohol cravings have gone down. It was almost unbearable last night. I took some edibles, but I knew that they wouldn't work, so I don't know if that counts as anything. Probably, but whatever. I still didn't get high or drunk. I think it's really good that I managed to stay strong, although part of that was really circumstantial-- Mom would have given me a really hard time if I'd gone out and come back with a bottle of whiskey. But I guess I could have figured out a way anyway. I shouldn't diminish my accomplishments! I did manage to stay sober, even though it was really, really hard, and that's nothing to sneeze at! So, good job to me.
But, you know, I didn't go to an AA meeting, so I guess it's all nil, right?
I think I'll get another energy drink on my way to work (volunteer). I feel so depleted, and I don't know how I'm supposed to get through this whole entire day without collapsing or going nonverbal, and I honestly don't think 2.75 is too much to spend for a little bit of serotonin. Energy drinks really do keep me going, and I don't think there's any shame in that.
E's grandmother, the person she's closest to in this world, is dying, and I don't know what to do. I've never experienced a loss like that, and I don't want to make everything worse, but I feel like I probably will somehow. It's so awful, and nothing I do or say can make things any better. I just want to be there for her. I want to take her soup, and cuddle her, and take her to nice places, and just be a strong force to lean on. I could do it! Yeah, I'm struggling real bad, but I can still reach out to the people I love and be there for them. This is extremely selfish, but I'm wondering if E will be able to come and visit still. I mean, I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to anymore. This is a really hard time for her, and it wouldn't be easy to change continents for a week. But at the same time, I really hope she does come, because then I could offer love and support in person. I just want to take care of her during this time, and it would be much easier to do that if we were physically together. But I understand her not wanting to, also, so I just have to be patient.
I'm also stressed, because it seems like my friends are all doing badly, too. I'm a limited resource, and I can't be there for everyone all the time, but I want to be, and I don't know what to do to help anyone. I'm so privileged, and yet I'm just sitting on my ass and not doing anything to make this world better. It's really bad! But then, I'm also super selfish, so I like to take time for myself, like a few minutes or hours at a time (depending on crisis) just to ignore messages and do things I like.
And then there's what's happening in the world. It seems to get worse every day, and I don't know how to keep on keeping on. It's overwhelming. I like news, and I like politics and being informed, but I can't keep reading this horrible things and expect to be okay.
Still, I really don't have anything to complain about. I have to stay strong and stoic and not whine, because that's Bad. And I'm not going to crack this time. I'll be fine.
Monday, May 6, 2019
I got really high last night, and now I'm high again, and I have no idea who I am, so I'm going to fill out this OC character sheet for writers that I found on the Internet, and we'll see what kind of character I am! I'm going to do it in third person, too, because that feels Cool.
--
--
Character Chart
Character’s full name: Maria [REDACTED]
Reason or meaning of name: Hmmm...
Character’s nickname: Sunny
Reason for nickname: I just really like the sun!
Birth date: January 8th, 1995
Physical appearance
Age: 24
How old does he/she appear: 19
Weight: ~130 lbs
Height: 5’’1
Body build: Curvy
Shape of face: Heart-shaped
Eye color: Brown/hazel
Glasses or contacts: No
Skin tone: Fair
Distinguishing marks: Freckles!
Predominant features: Long hair, bangs, big titties
Hair color: Brown
Type of hair: Straight; lower-back length
Hairstyle: Loose
Voice: High and clear (quote)
Overall attractiveness: 8 (quote)
Physical disabilities: None
Usual fashion of dress: High femme; lots of pink, lace, dresses, heels, and makeup
Favorite outfit: Black skater skirt, gray top, black heels
Jewelry or accessories: Locket from E, gold ring, princess ring, cubic zirconium ring, band ring
Personality
Good personality traits: Kind, funny, opinionated
Bad personality traits: Impatient, impulsive, weak, prideful
Mood character is most often in: Forced cheerfulness
Sense of humor: Dry or bizarre, no in between
Character’s greatest joy in life: Relationships with others
Character’s greatest fear: Failure
Why? It seems to be all they've ever known
What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil? If all the grad schools they applied to either rescinded their offers, or rejected them, or if Talia decided she didn't like them anymore
Character is most at ease when: They're surrounded by trusted friends or family
Most ill at ease when: They're in a situation in which they feel they don't show to their best advantage
Enraged when: Someone tries to oppress the downtrodden
Depressed or sad when: They have a tendency towards this all the time, but especially when they feel rejected, or when outside events are bad
Priorities: Building and maintaining relationships; material success; having fun; learning as much as possible; making the world a better place
Life philosophy: Do no harm, but take no shit
If granted one wish, it would be: If it could be any wish, they would wish for the end of capitalism, financial equity for all, universal healthcare, universal food and shelter, and the end of planned obsolescence (this counts as one wish). If it has to be personal, then to be thirty, well-employed with a doctorate in a field they love, happily married with a kid, with a good social circle, a greater cause, and a clean house.
Why? The capitalism thing, because they're a decent human being. The other thing, because they crave normalcy. It's all they ever wanted.
Character’s soft spot: Passionate people, funny people, shy people-- just, humanity in all of its greatness
Is this soft spot obvious to others? Probably highly
Greatest strength: Compassion
Greatest vulnerability or weakness: Underdeveloped sense of self
Biggest regret: Not seeking help for their mental illnesses earlier
Minor regret: Not working harder to save some relationships
Biggest accomplishment: Graduating from UCLA, and honestly? Not dying.
Minor accomplishment: Finding a good network of supportive people.
Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: Getting kicked out of the University of Georgia for being a liability
Why? It feels like they had everything going for them, and they threw it away for no reason.
Character’s darkest secret: Sometimes, they still want to die
Does anyone else know? No, and they would prefer to keep it that way
Goals
Drives and motivations: Love, mostly
Immediate goals: To graduate from school and get a job
Long term goals: To get married and start a family (whether that looks like kids or cats or whatever)
How the character plans to accomplish these goals: They're going to England, which will help with the school part, and the relationship part
How other characters will be affected: Their friends and family in the US will miss them, but they will gain new friends in the UK. Their relationship with their girlfriend will (hopefully) also improve. Most of their relationships will be tested, as they will need to work hard to maintain them.
Past
Hometown: Two parts-- the first is a tiny small town "in the middle of nowhere" in the Midwest. Sunny and their family were the only "ethnic" people in town, and it was lonely and drab. However, they don't remember that much. The second half of their childhood and adolescence was spent in a privileged, fairly sleepy little town, where the most exciting thing to do was go to Barnes and Noble on the weekend.
Type of childhood: They don't remember most of it. However, they were abused and neglected by their parents, and may have some repressed early childhood trauma as well. They also had many interests and hobbies, and spent most of their time playing elaborate games with their siblings, reading, or playing music.
Pets: Their family always had guinea pigs.
First memory: Experimenting to see how far they could push a cup to the edge of the table without it falling.
Most important childhood memory: Reading Little Women and realizing what kind of person they wanted to be for the rest of their life
Why: The characters were so kind, and even though their lives sucked, they loved each other so much, and set their best faces against the world. It was beautiful.
Childhood hero: Their mom
Dream job: Princess
Education: Currently a Masters student in Psycholinguistics; previously studied Linguistics and Cognitive Science at UCLA
Religion: The whole family grew up very fundamentalist Christian, with rather strict and damaging worldviews imposed.
Finances: Comfortable middle-class family.
Present
Current location: In their hometown.
Currently living with: Their mother and younger brother.
Pets: None
Religion: They have issues with organized religion, however they're spiritual now.
Occupation: Grad student
Finances: Their upper-middle class mother is supporting them, but they have very little money of their own. This is a point of great shame for them.
Family
Mother: Wonderful, but neglectful when Sunny was growing up. However, she's now making up for it by being codependent.
Relationship with her: Good, if sometimes overly involved
Father: Abusive and weird
Relationship with him: Estranged and distant; on cordial terms, but not much more
Siblings: One neurotic older brother, a wise and healthy younger sister, and an alarmingly balanced younger brother
Relationship with them: Pleasant and affectionate with the brothers; deeply loving and supportive with the sister
Spouse: No, but they have a serious girlfriend
Relationship with him/her: Amazing in every conceivable way
Children: None, but they want some
Relationship with them: N/A
Other important family members: One grandmother who's fairly involved in their life, but with whom they don't have a strong personal relationship. They're also trying to establish a relationship with their uncle.
Favorites
Color: Pink
Least favorite color: None
Music: Classic rock, indie stuff, classical, alt-pop, Broadway
Food: Spicy/salty things, and strongly-flavored food in general, but their favorite is sushi.
Literature: Pretentious "high literature" type books or pulp romance fan fiction.
Form of entertainment: News, social media, articles, writing, and then reading what they wrote
Expressions: Puns all day
Mode of transportation: A stick-shift car, and they like to go as fast as possible.
Most prized possession: Their phone!
Habits
Hobbies: Writing, cooking, music
Plays a musical instrument? Violin and viola, and they sing
Plays a sport? Absolutely not
How he/she would spend a rainy day: Ideally, they would have friends come over, and everyone would cuddle up together and spend the day just being happy in each other's presence.
Spending habits: Impulsive. They'll buy things and regret it. Aside from this, though, they're very thrifty.
Smokes: Occasionally
Drinks: Also occasionally. They're a recovering alcoholic, and have to be careful.
Other drugs: Marijuana
What does he/she do too much of? Lying around in a depressed funk
What does he/she do too little of? Exercising
Extremely skilled at: Coming up with hymn arrangements for family performances and knowing all the old hymns/carols
Extremely unskilled at: Dancing
Nervous tics: Playing with their hair
Usual body posture: Very good. Once, their middle school friend told them that it was weird.
Mannerisms: Giggling, playing with their hair, random bursts of affection
Peculiarities: They're afraid of fire; they like bugs; they're extremely mentally ill, but they try to fight past that and be optimistic anyway; they talk to themself all the time; they have a horrible sense of direction
Traits
Optimist or pessimist? Optimist
Introvert or extrovert? Extrovert
Daredevil or cautious? They're somewhat of both
Logical or emotional? Again, somewhat of both
Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? They're neat in the things they can control, but they were raised in unhealthily bad chaos, and sometimes that takes over.
Prefers working or relaxing? Working on something.
Confident or unsure of himself/herself? They appear confident, but they're actually very insecure.
Animal lover? Sort of. They like people more, and some animals scare them (like dogs).
Self-perception
How he/she feels about himself/herself: They hate themself and have all their life, but they're trying to work on falling in love with themself, and it's hard work, but they know it's worth it
One word the character would use to describe self: Bubbly
One paragraph description of how the character would describe self: I'm a tiny ball of sunshine, and I'm so full of love that I can't even contain it sometimes. However, I'm also weak, temperamental, impatient, prideful, and probably very annoying in large doses, and I'm quieter than I would wish. I love angels, and I get compared to one often, and I have a weird obsession with the 19th-century novel Les Misérables. My favorite food is sushi, and I run through lip balm in such high quantities that it's practically alarming. I'm also a nonbinary lesbian, and I love my girlfriend very, very much!
What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? Their resilience
What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? Their selfishness (or what they perceive to be selfishness)
What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? Their tits
What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? Their stomach holy shit they hate their stomach
How does the character think others perceive him/her: As a dumb blonde valley girl with a heart of gold
What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: Their laziness
Relationships with others
Opinion of other people in general: They try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. They love people, and think they're super great.
Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? Yes, almost constantly
Person character most hates: Probably some politician
Best friend(s): Natalie, an eccentric artist with the worst luck in the history of the world who nonetheless remains cheerful and kind.
Love interest(s): E, a beautiful, loving English girl with a talent for writing and a heart as big as the Atlantic Ocean.
Person character goes to for advice: Their sister, Talia
Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: Their little brother, Anselm
Person character feels shy or awkward around: People whom they think might look down on them
Person character openly admires: Talia
Person character secretly admires: They admire everyone pretty openly
Most important person in character’s life before story starts: This is not actually a question I can answer
After story starts: Neither is this
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)