I'm never not anxious, and I hate it. Why can't I just calm down for a little bit? Nothing's going to happen. I mean, come on gurl, get it together. Although actually, maybe now I can get it together, because I just started Lexapro, and I'm looking forward to see what will happen and if it will help me. It shouldn't be such a rad experience for me, but I'm super excited anyway. But you know what I'm not excited about? My therapy hospital treatment program tomorrow! (Is a therapy hospital a thing? It sounds much better than calling it a mental hospital, I think) Wow, I really hate it already. Everyone is creepily peppy, and it has all the trappings of a cult, complete with special jargon, special food, a no-cell phone policy, and a dress code. Like, what are they trying to pull here? Maybe it's all motivation for us to get better and leave quickly. If it's not that, then I just don't know what to say, because it's all pretty terrible. They make us eat so much, and all in a group too, and then we have to sit around in said group and talk about our feelings, I mean, come on is there anything conceivably less conducive to my comfort? I don't deny that I probably do need help, since if what they say is true, my heart is on its way out because of bad nutrition, but I really don't think this is the right way to go about it. That begs the question of what is the right way, and to tell you the truth I'm not sure, but I can say with all the certainty I possess that this isn't it. I'm pretty sure it's just going to make things worse, and I feel so guilty, because I know my family did expend some effort in getting me here, but I did warn them that I didn't think this was for me, and they didn't listen, so maybe it's not entirely my fault. Still, I do feel pretty bad, because I feel like I'm faking my problems or something, and I don't deserve this, and I don't even want it, so I really don't deserve it, and man, I dunno, I have very mixed feelings about it all. All I know is that I dread every day like 90% more now, and I didn't even know that was possible, so I guess that's sort of amazing in a way, but I wish some of the amazement in my life would be of the good kind for once. It's so hard to make myself go through all this; I don't really even care about my health anymore, I just want to stop putting in so much effort for so little result. I feel a bit like Sisyphus from the old Greek myth, actually, just pushing through one horrible day only to start all over again the next. All I ever looked forward to through this whole horrible excuse for a summer was staying up late and watching Netflix until I stopped feeling so desperately bad and my mind could finally turn off, but I can't even do that anymore, and when even that's gone, what am I even here for? There's no relief from any of this, and I really hate it. If I weren't in this program, things might not be any better, but I would think they were, and that would count for a lot. I'm not sure what's more important here, my mental health or my physical health (if the program is indeed helping my physical health, which I doubt). But I am sure that I want to find some other way to fix things. In this case, I think the costs far outweigh the benefits.