Monday, August 18, 2025

 omg i thought i was dehydrated or dying or something but i was actually dissociating LMAO i'm getting better at figuring it out though.

i'm not sure what to do though. i feel like i'm improving daily but i also feel like i'm backsliding daily, so who really knows. i had a job interview today and tbh i do really like the company and their mission but i'm not sure i can do it right now. but maybe i can. who's to say? i feel massively overwhelmed by life all the time though and i'm not even doing anything strenuous or leaving the house really and sure it's nice that my wife can help me with stuff but i feel like a massive burden to her. which is a reason to get a job and not just be on disability. but then what if i fail at the job and i lose my disability and can't get it back and i'm unemployed with nothing. what then? i'm so lost and nothing feels okay. 

i guess i'm a lot more anxious than i think. i have to fight off nausea and dissociation for up to five hours before i finally start my day and then it's like 1pm and i'm trying to open my email and i feel like i'm about to pass out. 

oh. i think the white noise may have been too loud. i turned it down and suddenly the air looks clearer. i feel like i woke up again. whew lord. 

okay i'ma go write stories now bye

Friday, August 8, 2025

 I guess it's the time in my life for writing here again. It kind of makes me sad that I didn't have any entries for 2022, 2023, and 2024, but imperfection is beauty and all that. 

I don't know why I feel so acutely miserable all the time. I live my life in this sort of bleak fog and occasionally veer into panic or deeper dissociation, and when I go outside, I put on my people mask like some kind of fictional psychopath and go out to terrorize the public. and it's fantastic. who would not be utterly entranced by me I mean

I'm not like even that horrible though, in the grand scheme of things. I could be a murderer. Or a republican. i could drive a tesla. I'm literally a normal human being who is convinced to the very deepest core of myself that I'm somehow fundamentally dysfunctional and monstrous. Which is, to be fair, the human condition as I'm given to understand it. 

So, what does one do in this situation? Eat cereal with ice cream, smoke weed, and think about one piece. 

as the ancients did before me.

Tuesday, August 5, 2025

 i don't want to die but i do want to kill myself and it's the most distressing thing bc i really and truly want to live-- kind of-- at the very least, I could never do that to the people around me. but i also can't get rid of the cold logical insisting telling me that it's just the most pragmatic thing to die, no judgments, no ifs ands or buts, just the barefaced fact of it that i will never be human. 

and i should have done it long ago. i should never have let it get to this point, with a wife, and friends, and a whole life that i can't leave behind anymore. back when i was untethered, unmoored, just a lump of sadness and anxiety floating around this world, that would have affected no one and would have left this world better. but now i can't die, at least by my own hand, bc it would make my wife sad. and i don't want that. but i also feel like it would be better for her not to be tied to me. she does deserve better. 

but i think the worst is realizing that i have to continue existing like this, constantly in pain, constantly terrified, never at ease, and there's nothing i can do about it, just toil and drudgery and abject misery until i finally crumble into my decrepit pauper's grave and the world forgets i ever existed. i won't allow myself to take myself out, and that fact means that for as long as i breathe, i'll hurt. it eases sometimes, but it never truly goes away, and i can't just resign myself to that. but there's literally nothing else to do. 

and i'll never be good enough, not for anyone else, not for myself, and certainly not for this end stage capitalist hellscape we live in. i'll never be anything, and therefore, it would make logical sense for me to die and free up some resources for someone who actually is good for something. but i'm too selfish and stubborn and i'll continue clinging to life and in doing so, will hurt everyone i come across. but i still won't die. 

am i terrible? am i awful? am i a child of the devil after all? what's a little more guilt when my entire life is stitched from it, what's a little more shame about my pathetic existence when all conscious thoughts confirm it. everything i am is unacceptable. 

i can't face it. but i have no choice. 

and i could have been someone. i could have mattered too. but it's far too late for that, too late for me, and this world can never hold me the way i wanted. i never stood a chance, and it's not entirely fair for me to hate myself for that, but i also can't help it, a little. if i'd just been better, smarter, more likable, more hardworking, if i'd just buckled down and embraced the grind, if i'd just x, if i'd just y, if only i was someone else, something made of more than mediocrity and despair, someone smarter, prettier, richer, more talented, or if i'd done that, or done this, or had an identity outside of others' perception, positive or negative, if i was more, if i was less, if i was better. but i'm not. i'm me. and i'm deeply sorry for it.