I want to speak with my own voice.
Monday, November 23, 2020
Thursday, November 12, 2020
Imagine being a Pisces 😷 The guy I hated in high school is one. Of course, there are good Pisces as well, but being a Pisces is really a state of mind rather than some kind of immutable predestination. Especially for the men. Have you ever met a Pisces homie who's a man? They're so terribly rare :(
Lowkey, I'm sort of angsty, and it sounds so silly, but the truth is, I feel like people don't believe in me. My mom doesn't want me to move in with Emily. She wants us both to live with her. In her tiny apartment. What the hell, man. Like, does she think I enjoy not having a bed? But I was talking about my plans, which of course is my first mistake right there, and she was being so dismissive and negative. All she had to say was "oh, you don't need a bar" when I mentioned that one place has one. I was sort of offended LOL. It's clear that to her, I will never be more than a drinking problem in a tight skirt. Which, whatever. Fine. But isn't that even more reason for me to want to get out of here? I can't stay here forever. I don't know why she seems to think I do. I guess it all comes down to me being incapable of normal life. Ah, that old saw! I don't see why, though, because I've lived in more places than all of my siblings. But it's okay. I'm going to find a place, and get the hell out of here!
Now I'm high. Anselm is a bro, and shares his weed with me frequently. I don't like to drink around family (except Talia), but marijuana is getting me through this trying time. Sometimes, you just gotta relax. Also, I've been sleeping super well ever since I got back into legal terra MJ. It's really nice! I can just knock out and wake up feeling mostly refreshed. Although, I have been more tired lately because of work :( it's really a bummer working there, let me tell you. I'm not a fan. But I'm making some good money, so I guess it's worth it.
I think I like Cheezits way too much :( I can never stop at just one, even if I tell myself that I absolutely will. I always eat a whole lot, and then I'm full, and then I can't eat food that's better for me. Very bad! It's really hard to eat in a healthy way here, though. It's hard to do anything in a healthy way, in fact, and when I do, it's not looked well upon. Mom seems to take offense when I want to change anything, or do things in my own way. Also, she seems to think I'm a child. Of course, I'm not doing a good job disproving that when I'm late to work in the morning, but holy goodness, Mother, please let me grow at my own pace. It's like, if I don't satisfy her standards, I'm a failure, no in-between, and no ifs, ands, or buts, either. And I do get it, but it also pisses me off, even though I try hard to find the humor in it. But encouraging me to work ten-hour shifts on the warehouse floor with only a couple of 100-calorie granola bars to fuel me is bad, right? That's not healthy? I truly don't know, though. And I guess I do still have some weight to lose. Still, I'm somehow reminded of those ghosts who are dead, so they want everyone else to be dead as well. Mom is miserable and unhealthy, and she wants us to be the same way, subconsciously. Very subconsciously. If she knew that her behavior comes off this way, she would be horrified. Nonetheless, that's how it feels to me, and it doesn't feel nice. No matter of her true intentions, she comes across as having very little respect for me. I need to talk about it in therapy-- along with a host of other stuff-- but the agency won't call me back. So annoying. Maybe I should call them again.