Tuesday, October 27, 2020

I’m back in California.
I’m trying to keep up a brave front, but honestly, I’m barely holding it together. Really, I think I’m in purgatory.
Because of my own stupidity, I finished my degree early (so it’s not a full MA), and because of that, my visa was rescinded, and I’ve had to go back to America. I don’t quite know how to deal with how much I hate myself, so I’m just kind of vibing, hoping the endless agony will fade if I ignore it enough. This is really how I felt all the time, isn’t it. Pain every moment. No wonder I wanted to die.
And now, I kind of do again. I don’t see a life worth living in my future. How am I supposed to deal with any of this? I honestly truly feel horrible and bad. If my lot in life is to suffer, if I was put here to fulfill some sadist’s purpose, and happiness is unobtainable for the likes of me, then goddamn, am I doing an amazing job. Everything is gray, and I just want to go to sleep.
I haven't felt like this in awhile. Everything is so dark and hopeless, and there's nothing to give me energy. I feel like I'm stuck in neutral, unable to move, unable to do anything but passively accept what the world throws at me. Well, at least I can drink some goddamn lemon water, right? I'm allowed to do that, right? I feel guilty, but shit, man. Give me something, at least.
Everything I do here feels forbidden. It's good to be thrifty, of course, but in this household, it's frowned upon to do anything "extra," even if it improves our collective lives. And Mom seemingly is physically incapable of agreeing with me about anything. No matter what I say, it's going to be met with criticism or arguments or wet-blanket statements that suck the fun out of everything and keep me at home, miserable, within reach. And I get it, I mean, yes. I'm a shiftless, lazy, loser. Everything I do sucks. But like, holy shit. Can we move past that already? I'm so sick of being in the doldrums all the time. I don't want to be. And I have to be strong, not just for me, but for everyone around me, and I have to make sure everyone knows that I've Recovered, and nothing is Worrisome anymore. I can't have bad days, and I can't ever be anything but cheerful and supportive. I can't crumble. Even now, even when my entire life is falling apart, even when I don't know how I'm supposed to go on, I can't show even a sliver of weakness. It's enough to make me lose my mind. How do I go on?
Tomorrow, I have an interview for a position at a warehouse. It's going to suck balls, but I have to do it, because I need a job as soon as possible. It's my own damn fault that I'm incompetent and can't get anything else. I have no future, not really. My life's about to get real gray.
Not that it wasn't already. It was better for awhile, but that's gone. 
I'm useless, I really am legitimately not good for anything. I have no worth, no value. Who would want me? I do nothing, I am nothing.