We got the apartment!
I'm really relieved. I didn't think we would, to be honest. There were so many hoops to jump through, and it was hard to get in touch with the landlord and the letting office, probably because of lockdown. However, we finally did manage to sign the lease and pay the three months' rent that lets us off the hook for getting a guarantor, thanks to me finally cashing out the shitty stocks that my dad transferred my shares into. It was only $2500, but that was enough. I know I sound spoiled for complaining about that, because at least I had stocks, but the thing was, they used to be much better. My mom and grandparents set them up for me and my siblings as a sort of college fund. And then my dad basically blew all of it because he wanted to transfer them into more "ethical" options, i.e. gold and silver, which tanked in 2008. I believe they'd been going downhill before that as well, but that was the nail in the coffin. Xander is the only one who's not in debt from undergrad, and that's only because he got a full scholarship (he's in debt from Juilliard, though). Talia has more than I do, but poor Anselm-- he has basically nothing. It's pretty annoying, because if Mom had been left in charge of the money, we'd probably have everything paid off by now. Instead, we're all in debt.
It's okay, though. I'm really glad that I had just enough money to pay for the three months' rent, and Emily has enough for everything else until I can find work. I think I'm on the right track with that, as two people have emailed me back asking for more information. Hopefully, I can get something quickly! We're moving on Saturday, and I couldn't be more excited to have a place to ourselves. It's going to be so nice to feel comfortable in my house. I'll be able to get juice in the middle of the night without putting on pants! I'll be able to shower whenever I want to! I'll be able to chill without worrying that my housemates secretly hate me! And since I'm on the lease, I feel like I'll have more confidence. This is going to be really good. Oh, and I won't have to deal with our annoyingly loud neighbor anymore. He's been doing construction on the house next door for the entire year that we've been here, and it's really loud and disruptive and obnoxious. Right now, he's using some kind of power drill outside. It sounds like an accordion being fed through a wood chipper. That being said, I'm sure there will be annoying people in our new apartment as well, but at least they'll be new annoying people. Oh gosh, I hope there's not a baby, though. It's terrible, but I don't like the sound of crying babies. Which is something I have to deal with, because Emily and I do want kids, and I'm not going to be one of those asshole parents who treats a defenseless infant badly for something they can't even help, but in spite of what my logical brain tells me, my emotional buttcheeks still clench up when I hear that incessant wailing. If I can get through that stage, though, I get to watch the kid grow up and acquire language. I'm very excited about that. Think of all the firsthand experience I could gain for research! I intend to keep detailed logs and recordings, and of course, I'll share those with the kid when they get older as well, and hopefully, they'll think it's cool. Linguistics aside, though, I really am excited to raise a child. I want to show them all the love I never received and make them happy every day. I think it will be very rewarding!
I feel weirdly mopey today. I'm not sure if it's the heat, or the impatience of wanting to move, or feeling obligated to hang out with some people I'm not too crazy about, but I'm restless, and I want to lie in bed and sulk. I'm not going to do that, though. I purposefully went on my laptop instead of my phone, and I drank a Red Bull so I won't go back to sleep. Everyone else went into town, but I declined, because it's so hot, and I think I might melt like the Wicked Witch of the West (Coast) if I venture outside. I don't know how I'm going to manage when summer comes for real, but I do know that I'm going to buy several fans the first chance I get. Maybe I will install a little fan-filled fort in the corner of the living room with sheets and pillows to sit on, and I can go in there and be cool. I could put some fairy lights in there, and have it be all nice and cozy and cute. Actually, that's a pretty good idea. Maybe I'll do it. Omg! I'm so excited to be living with Emily! I've never lived with only one other person before (except for one semester in Ohio and one quarter at UCLA, and that was in a tiny dorm both times), and I can't even imagine how wonderful it will be to have the kitchen all to ourselves. All that refrigerator and cabinet space? A dream! We can finally have a dedicated spice cupboard, and I won't have to spend five minutes digging through canned goods and packets of instant ramen in order to find the oregano. And we can put things in the refrigerator without having to worry about someone randomly throwing them away! It'll be so nice. I think I'm going to buy some new pots and pans when I can. We need a new skillet, because even though ours works okay, it's very worn-out, and we need a soup pot, because the one I've been using doesn't belong to us. Of course, I'd love a beautiful matched set of Le Creuset cookware, but since I don't have thousands of dollars lying around, I'll just have to put it on the wedding registry and hope that a distant uncle wins the lottery and feels like contributing to our future home. For now, I'll settle for a medium-sized Dutch oven, a couple of saucepans, a non-stick skillet, and a rice cooker. Can you believe I've been cooking all my rice stove-top for a whole year? It's so stressful. Emily doesn't see the problem, but this is not the way I was raised, thank you very much! I'll try to find a cheap one, though.
Now I feel like planning the set-up for the new place. I wonder if there's a website for that, like a site that allows interior designers or artists to visualize room space? I feel like that's the sort of thing that should exist. Maybe I'll go looking. I know Emily doesn't care so much about aesthetics, but I do, and as long as we both agree on it, it should be fine. And I'm willing to spend all the time arranging and decorating things, so I don't think she'll mind too much. I also really want to rearrange our closet. I'm incredibly excited for that, actually. I packed up all our clothes yesterday (except for the outfits I set aside for us to wear this week), and we really do have some nice pieces. Not that I don't want more, of course, but for now, we have enough. Okay, I'm off to look for room design websites and drool over household appliances on Amazon! Wish me luck!

The world is basically on fire, metaphorically speaking, but probably also literally, given the global response to climate change. It's almost ridiculous how bad things are. Hell of a time for me to start making life-changing future plans, isn't it? Although, given the sociopolitical trajectory of my home country (and frankly, most other countries that I could conceivably move to), I'll probably be dead in about ten years, so I may as well make the most of the time I have. And yes, as a queer and mentally ill PoC, I'll probably die a horrible death, but in the meantime, I plan to enjoy myself and spread as much love and light as I damn well can.
Emily and I have decided to postpone the wedding by a few months. It seems safest, and honestly, I want lots of guests, and I want them to feel comfortable and not have to stand six feet apart and wear masks the whole time, so it works out. And this way, Emily can have her summer wedding, and when we renew our vows next December for the US crowd, I can have my winter wonderland celebration (which, being in California, simply means closed-toed shoes and light jackets for the cocktail hour). Planning has really been put on hold because of everything, but now that we're moving in together (just us, I mean) and planning our future more seriously, it seems like it's time for me to pick it up again. And I adore planning! I love creating the perfect party with the perfect guest list, making everything happen, ensuring that everyone has a good time. Granted, I've never planned anything for myself before, but surely I can do that, too. After all, what is a wedding but a big party? It doesn't have to be super fancy or anything; all that matters is that everyone comes away with good memories, and hopefully a raging hangover the next day. Also, this way, Emily and I can save up more, both for the reception, and for our honeymoon! We didn't think we would get to have one, but I think we can manage it if we plan very carefully. Our apartment is cheaper than we budgeted for, so provided we can get that nailed down (fingers crossed), we can put aside a fund to go travel! I want to go to Japan or Korea, but that would be very expensive, so we may have to wait on that. But Emily wants to go to Greece, and that would be cheaper, since it's in Europe, and it would be so beautiful, and the food, and think of the Instagram pictures I could take! We could also go to France. I have a friend in Paris, and since Emily and I both speak French, it would be a bit easier to get around. And then we might have a mini honeymoon in Vegas after our California wedding, just because that's cheap and easy to pull together, and Emily, being European, is fascinated by it. We were thinking of going for a few days by ourselves, and then having some friends join us for a party weekend. It doesn't seem fair for us to be there together and married and not invite our friends' SOs, though, so I suppose we could bring them along as well! Besides, I like the guys, and it would give them a chance to bond, especially if my brothers wanted to come along (which, it seems like I should at least ask, right, since Talia is coming, and Anselm came with us last time). And the more people there are, the cheaper things are (to a point)! Also, I love big groups. But whatever happens, I know it will be perfect.
I didn't mention the apartment! Emily and I (mostly her) found a beautiful cheap place right in town that's next to one of our favorite bars, the bookstore, the Japanese teahouse, and best of all, McDonalds. It's been a real hassle trying to get the lease, and we've had at least three frustrating phone calls where nothing has gotten done, but we seem to be on the right track now. I don't want to celebrate too early, but I really want this place. It's pretty much perfect, aside from being further away from the grocery store. It has a bookshelf for all of Emily's books, and a big wardrobe for (most of) my clothes, and these gorgeous floor-to-ceiling windows in the living room. The kitchen is small, but we won't be sharing it with five other people, so it probably will work out just right. Part of me wants to go nuts and use the remainder of the security deposit on this place to buy us a bunch of nice pots and pans and cooking equipment, but I know that's not prudent, especially because we can put some of those things on our wedding registry. But I am going to get a new non-stick skillet. That's totally non-negotiable.
Another change that's come to my life-- I'm blonde now! We've all been doing different things with our hair, and I bleached my ends one night, and it looked nice, so I decided to go all the way and do my whole head. And I absolutely love it. I've wanted to be blonde for years, and even though I love my natural color too, I feel so fresh and cool now. I feel like a K-Pop star! Now that I've lost my depression/alcohol weight and gotten my figure back, I really do look like Barbie. I'm considering growing out my bangs, but I'm not sure about that yet. One change at a time. Still, it's pretty awesome, and I feel even more confident now.
The one happening that may not be so exciting is that I'm likely going to have to take another quarter at my university in order to get my MA done. I talked to my advisor, who is an amazing and wonderful man, and he said he would help me try and deal with the bureaucracy involved there. Honestly, if I didn't have the administration and faculty on my side, I don't know what I would do. People are kinder and more helpful to me than I deserve, and I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, but it also makes me wonder if it's all some elaborate prank or something. Still, I'm actually somewhat grateful for this, because I was in over my head trying to do my degree in one year, especially during a global pandemic. This gives me a chance to take some time for myself and re-evaluate how I want to go about things. I'm disappointed, because it puts off doing my doctorate for another year, but at the same time, I don't know if I was truly ready for a PhD program. And if I play my cards right, I can get the work experience I need for the fully-funded program at UCL at the same time. Then, we could save up and move to London once Emily is done with her MA, and things would be a lot less hectic and stressful. So it's good, and I'm trying to talk back to the negative thoughts that I'm getting too old, but it's not always easy.
I'm doing a lot better than I was before, though. It's hard to believe how bad I was doing in my teens and early twenties. I don't think I could see it because I was so deep in it, kind of like how you can't see anything in a dark room because everything is dark. But as soon as you turn on a light, you can work from there, and realize that damn, there are at least 1000 ways to die in here. It's weird. I never ever saw myself living this long. But, in the words of that old Christina Aguilera song, Things Keep Getting Better. Or is that the Queer Eye theme song? Either way, I'm glad I didn't die in Georgia, or LA, or Loma Linda, or Ohio, or Loma Linda again, or anywhere. Kitty's tarot reading was right after all; things are going to be okay.