I have an essay due tomorrow that's worth half my grade, and I've only written half of it and have no idea what I'm going to do for the rest. And yet, I can't seem to process the fact that time is limited and that I need to get work done. It's a really boring essay. It's basically a critique of a pre-existing article, and I don't necessarily mind those in some cases, but it's so much more interesting to do my own thing. Like, my assignment for my reading group in Topics in Psycholinguistics. That was fun! I enjoyed that. And I got the equivalent of an A, so it must have worked out. I know I'll be able to finish this thing-- I always do. But I'm not going to enjoy it.
Emily and I (well, I) provisionally booked a wedding venue yesterday. It's lovely! It's small and cozy, but it has a pretty dome and these absolutely beautiful gardens that will be good for pictures. It's not like we're having a massive wedding, so it should be fine. I think we may only have about fifty to seventy-five day guests. I don't know many people in Europe, so most of the guests will be on Emily's end. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've only invited four people separate from our friend group (and then Kaite and Talia, of course). Ren said they may be able to come (with their husband in tow), but they're a busy grad student, and I don't want to assume. But it would be wonderful if they could come! And of course several people have said they'd like to come, but it's hard to get to Europe just for a few days, so I'm not expecting too much. I'm more excited for the US celebration, honestly, and it makes me sound a bit selfish, but all my loved ones are going to be there. And my darlings are going to be there with me as bridesmaids! Or... some of them. Religion got in the way a bit for others. But Buttercup and Jocelynn and Ren and Talia are going to be with me, and Andrea, Natalie, and Kaite will be with Emily! I was on the fence about asking Lily. We're not as close, so it might have been presumptuous, but she's Kaite's best friend, and we're all in a friend group together, so I don't want her to feel left out. But I'll definitely include her in some things! I'm so excited to celebrate with my best girls. I'm going to get them all matching robes to wear while getting ready, and matching necklaces to wear at the ceremony/reception. And I'll probably get them some chocolate or prosecco or something as well, just to round things out.
I'm trying to work on my dissertation now. I finished the essay I need to turn in, but it's stressful, because I think it's really bad :( Somehow, I've just lost my talent for writing! I don't know how it happened, but nowadays, everything I write is pure shit (except for the psycholinguistics one). It's very disheartening. But you know, I just need to work harder. I haven't been writing much lately, so it's only natural that my skills have deteriorated. It will be okay! Maybe I should write something fictional to warm up. It's easier to write when I've been writing for a little while already.
I'm trying to get through some papers on the interaction between relative clauses and prosody because I have a meeting tomorrow with the author of these very papers, but it's making my brain spin like WOOSH! I can't focus on shit lately. I've suspected that I have ADHD for more than ten years now, but no one tends to believe me except Talia. I mean, no. That's not true. Emily believes me, and so do the few friends I've told about it. But doctors tend not to, and I haven't been able to get a diagnosis, or any of that sweet dope to make my brain work like it's supposed to. It's so annoying! I've always coasted by on my intelligence, and I know that makes me sound like a cocky asshole, and maybe I am (but why is it so egregious for female-presenting people to admit to a certain amount of prowess?), but it's functionally true. I've managed everything, not through effort, but through a combination of good luck, charm, and basic braininess. I'm smart and sweet and pretty, and I always get what I want. Maybe that's my superpower-- being the spoiled valley girl. Still, it's a problem now, because I can't even pay my bills on time. I can't focus, and I can't seem to do anything up to my own standards, and it makes me not want to do anything at all. According to my phone, I averaged nine hours of screen time in a single day. That's pretty bad. I just lie around and text people and write fan fiction and go on Instagram because I can't handle the thought of failing at anything, and social interaction and fiction writing are some things that I can't fail at, because I've worked at them enough to be decent. And besides, I'm an extrovert, and social interaction is basically my life blood. I've realized this! I'm an ENFP (the Golden Retriever of the MBTI). I took like five tests, and they all said the same thing. I'm extroverted, intuitive, feeling, and perceiving. It's quite different from what I used to be (or thought I was). I think I skewed that test, though. I put what I valued, not what I actually was. Or maybe I've just changed. They do say that one's personality doesn't really solidify until adulthood. Be that as it may, though, I'm a bit lonely. I chat with people virtually, but it's not quite the same as hanging out in person. Yesterday, I went to do an errand for Emily at her work, and while I was there, I had a nice chat with the girlfriend of one of her coworkers. It was so nice, and I felt so good afterwards. And then in the evening, I skyped with Kaite! We talked for over two hours without a single pause (as we're wont to do) and it was so lovely. I miss her so much! But thank goodness for technology, allowing us to still be connected.