I'm in England! I moved here, and now I'm living with E, and we're doing the real couple thing-- she's even listed as my next-of-kin on my medical forms, and yeah, that's just because my actual next-of-kin is in America, but it's still really cool! I start school in twenty-nine days, and I can't wait. And that's what you missed on Glee!
Okay, so. Anxiety. I've been feeling it ever since I got on the plane. Something's bothering me, and I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's just the uncomfortable adjustment period? But I don't know. I feel like I've done something wrong, and everyone is just putting up with me for it. What could I have done? I don't know. Mind you, there's literally no indication that I should feel this way, but oh boy, do I! I'm afraid that everything is going to blow up in my face. Oh well. I guess, live and learn, right?
Yesterday, I was at E's family home, which was super cool because it's in a little village and has her adorable dog contained therein (I don't even like dogs, especially loud, hyper ones, but Kasper won my heart), and she was tired (and hungover LOL) so she took a nap, and I spent the afternoon reading articles on PubMed. It wasn't the most productive use of my time, but I feel like I have a bit more of a handle on the basics of schema therapy, and the dangers of thought-stopping in OCD. All this is to say, though, I want to do a little schema therapy on myself. I did a bit yesterday before I slept, and it was helpful in allowing me to settle down and calm down enough to sleep, so I think it could be good to do some now.
So, yesterday I identified the schema of rejection-slash-loneliness-slash-neglect, which makes perfect sense, because I grew up like that. It's a textbook case, really. But are there any more? Powerlessness comes to mind. But why do I feel that now? I have a lot of power. I think it might be because I feel like I don't have a voice. I'm afraid to say anything if something upsets me, because of the other schema-- I can't stand the thought of being alone, so I'll do anything to prevent that. And of course, isolating on purpose is totally different from being abandoned. It's safer, actually, and sometimes then people come and check up on me, and it feels nice. But that's not healthy, of course, and every time I feel the urge to do that, I try to do opposite action and reach out to someone instead. Which is great! But now I feel sort of cut off from my support system, and I don't know how to reach out to E's friends yet. They seem to like me, but I feel like it's because I'm dating E, not because I'm especially fun to be around. Anyway, the two other main childhood maladaptive schemas are mistrust/abuse, and defectiveness/shame, and I think I buy into both of them.
I don't trust people not to mistreat me. I expect simultaneously the worst and the best of everyone. I believe people have good intentions, but there's something about me that brings out the worst in them after awhile, so if they spend more time with me, they'll grow to hate me, and will mistreat me. At the same time, though, I'm friendly with strangers, and have no problem making friends with random people. I also seem to expect everyone to treat me like a princess, which most people do. So that's not a very good thing. But let's explore the mistrust/abuse thing. My first serious relationship was when I was eighteen, and it was really bad and emotionally abusive. That's probably where some of that comes from. But then there's my childhood, too. Why do I feel that everyone's love is conditional? I mean, literally everyone except Talia. She's the only person in this world whom I fully trust. I know that sounds sad, but she's my family. My chosen family, I mean, not just blood relatives. Because I love the rest of my family (minus my horrible father), but they're not on the same level as Talia is. She is, in E's words, the important one. We've had each other's backs forever, and we always will. So I know that she, at least, will never desert me. But what about everyone else? I feel like if I take the wrong step, everyone will get tired of me, and either leave me or treat me bad. It's a pretty exhausting way to live life, honestly, so vigilant and wary all the time. That's why I'm so quiet sometimes. I feel like no one wants to hear what I have to say, or that it will be the wrong thing and will make them upset. I have to be perfect.
Ah.
So is perfectionism an early childhood maladaptive schema? I don't think so. But I do think it could be tied into the others. I have to be perfect because if I'm not, people will abandon me or treat me badly-- and if I'm imperfect, I'm defective and worthless. That hits all three of them. Damn, psychotherapy really does go there. What else can I learn about myself? So, I believe that the thing to do is challenge the schemas with healthier ones? But what if it's not? What if that makes it worse? After all, thought-stopping is supposed to make OCD worse (which tracks, because when I try to push away the intrusive thoughts, they do seem to come back stronger). But I don't see how acknowledging, then replacing unhealthy schemas could be bad. So let's try.
Core belief: I am fundamentally defective.
Challenge: I am neither more nor less defective than anyone else.
Core belief: Everyone will leave me.
Challenge: Some people may leave me, and some people may stay.
Core belief: People will hurt me if I step out of line.
Challenge: Some people may hurt me, but that's on them, as long as I'm not hurting anyone.
Wow, that felt goddamn therapeutic. I'm doing great.What else do I do now? I guess I'll sort of talk and see what comes out.
Sometimes, I feel like I don't have anything to say. I think I'm boring. For most of my life, I would read anything, because that was all I could do. It was my escape, my education, my salvation. Accordingly, I read some really bad fantasy and YA lit books, but when I got to the end of high school, I started reading only good literature, and that kind of spoiled me. Now, I can't read a book if it's not well-written. And the thing is, I don't like fantasy or science fiction or magic. I didn't like Harry Potter, and I don't see the appeal of Star Wars. Give me political intrigue, or psychological drama, or complex interpersonal relationships, or social commentary, or anything that's based in fact. Nabokov, Proust, Dostoevsky, Victor Hugo (why is he the only one who gets his full name written out LOL it feels right, though)-- sometimes I feel like they're writing directly to me. And don't even get me started on non-fiction! I said earlier that I spent all afternoon reading scientific articles. That's fun for me! I like that! Poor writing doesn't bother me quite so much in there, because there's no story to butcher, and no characters to design badly. So, okay. I'm a snob. I am! I'm a horrible literary (and artistic) snob. And unfortunately, I live in a house full of creative writing students, and I'm so scared that they're not good at what they do, and I'll have to pretend to like their projects. I know E is good at what she does, because I've read her works, and most of them feel like a punch to the gut or a passionate kiss (or both), and I know one of the friends is really good at poetry because I follow her poetry Instagram, and the poems are extraordinary (or... most of them are; some sort of miss the mark). But the others? I don't know! I don't know how to lie, either, so I feel like if I don't like what they write, it'll be really obvious. I guess I just have to hope that they don't ask me. Or, I can go with the whole "oh I'm sorry, I don't think I get it" and just make them think I'm dumb instead of rude. Now, if I could read any book right now, what would it be? Okay, well, other than Les Misérables, because I read that all the time. Omg, no. You know what I want to read? This specific essay on Crime and Punishment, comparing Dostoevsky with Sylvia Plath. I read it in high school while I was procrastinating calculus homework, and I haven't forgotten it. That's the kind of shit I need. Mmm, poetry :D I do love poetry, so very much. And drama, too. I really like plays. If I weren't a bad writer, I would write plays, because I feel like my strength is dialogue. I sort of feel like writing now. Maybe it would be good for me. I only write fan fiction (which I never publish), because I feel like I'm not good enough to write anything else. But that's perfectionism talking. I know for a fact that I'm better at writing than some of the authors out there. Anyway, though, all of this was a long-winded introduction to the fact that I don't quite fit in. I'm boring, and I don't have the same sense of humor, and I have too many opinions. Like, I violently dislike certain characters, and it's not that I want them out of the story, because of course they make it a good story by being horrible, but also... I don't care about all these white people. And why do all the women get fridged? E and I started watching Killing Eve, and that's so good, and I'm 100% invested, but I don't really want to watch the rest of Penny Dreadful. It's good, I admit that, but there are so few people of color. Actually, I can't think of any main PoC on the show (though I only got through season one). I don't care about characters doing problematic things; that's good writing. I care about the writers doing problematic things. Like making the trans woman be played by a man? You really don't have to do that. I'm just saying, Laverne Cox is right there. Anyway, I don't like the same things that everyone else does, and I'm afraid they're going to get mad at me. I don't think they'd be interested in hearing about what I like, so I have to adapt, but oh my gosh, so many white sad-boys. So many! And magic :/ I don't fuck with magic, okay. It's only okay when I write it, because then I can control the story and not put giant plot holes everywhere, and not make some kind of dumb hand-wavey explanation of the purely illogical and nonsensical "rules" of the universe. Some authors are pretty good, I mean I do enjoy a Tamora Pierce novel on occasion. But most of them? Oh boy. I get that magic isn't scientific, and maybe that bothers my empirical mind (read that with a touch of irony), but I do think that if it's the system that the world runs on, it has to make some amount of sense. Worldbuilding is difficult. I know it is. Maybe that's why I enjoy things based in our world, because then the author doesn't have to create everything anew. There's nothing worse than getting invested in a medieval sword fight, and then seeing the squire spout off an "okay, boss." It ruins it! If you're going to do magic, you have to do it right. New slang, new social rules, new foods, new folktales. I need realism in my unrealism. Oh, and the other thing that bothers me is that a lot of magical books are pretty racist. It's always the "big brutish barbarians with their swarthy skin" or the "delicate porcelain ladies of the East who fight with fans and don't show emotion" (you think I'm joking, but these are both things I've seen). Why would you choose to play into stereotypes? Especially harmful stereotypes? I don't think many black or brown people would take kindly to being cast as big, scary savages, and I know that I don't like the Dragon Lady thing. Honestly, magical fiction is such a rich, untapped area. You could do anything. And still, people decide to be racist and boring. Such a shame. It's the same with science fiction and stuff, too. Okay, now I get it. My problem isn't with spec fiction; it's with bad spec fiction. And there does seem to be a lot of it, now, doesn't there? But I have to branch out. I have to stop being such a snob, stuck in my ivory tower while the world around me turns.
I just got a glimpse of my future. Sometimes, that happens, like I'll be sitting there, and suddenly a flash of understanding will come to me, in an impression, rather than a specific scenario. I don't know how accurate these are, and it's not that I think I'm clairvoyant or anything, but it's sort of comforting to think that I might have a future after all. I think I'm going to become a clinical psychologist. I sort of see it. I don't know if academia is lucrative enough, honestly, and if I'm going to have the life I want, I need to have money. I want a house, a clean, pretty house with lots of storage space and a king-sized bed, a car that doesn't break down every few months, no debts, the ability to travel and treat my friends to lunch, and the money to buy my mom everything she wants. As long as I have that, that's all I need. I don't need designer clothes or perfume (though of course, that would be nice). I don't need two cars. I don't need the newest phone. I don't need any of that. I just want to take care of the people I love. But you know, I think I could be a clinical psychologist. I would be good at it, I know that. And there's quite a need for good mental health professionals. So, here's the plan (since no one will read this blog and think that I'm being unrealistic): I finish my MA at York, get into UCL for the doctorate in clinical psychology, and work to support me and E while she writes (and I'm sure she would work, too). It would be hard, and very expensive, but I lived in LA. I think we can find a way. Then, we get married in my last year of school, and once I graduate, we move to LA. I'll therapytize people, she'll write, and once Talia is done with med school, she'll come and live in the apartment next door. Cece will be there, too. It will be hard, and I know we'll go through some difficult times, but I believe that we can do it, if E doesn't leave me first. I just need to get all my ducks in a row and be really proactive with research so I can get into UCL. London is the best place for publishing, so it would be the logical choice for us to move there, and honestly, it would be pretty fun to live in such a busy and storied place. I don't know if any of this can happen, but I didn't think I would get into any grad schools at all, and yet look where I am now, so maybe I just have to keep on believing.
Oh yeah! I forgot to mention, but I met E's sister, and her mom and step-dad! They seemed really nice, but I know things about them, so I was kind of :/ internally, but the meetings went well! They seemed to like me well enough, and the mom said something along the lines of "next time you're here, we'll be more awake," (it was early) which implies that she wants me to come back, so that's a good thing! And the sister followed me back on Instagram! I feel kind of cool, meeting E's family like this. It makes me feel official. She wouldn't introduce me to them if she wasn't serious about me, would she? And she wouldn't ask me to move in. Okay.
I feel better now, actually. Writing helped! Maybe I'll write some letters now.