I've been living fast and free these past few weeks, but somehow, I haven't really been spending that much money. It's been really really fun, actually. I have weed money and gas money, and that's all I need. My friends are great, and we've been hanging out and talking a lot! According to Screen Time on my phone, I get an average of 304 notifications per day. Probably half of those are news, Tumblr, etc, but 150 messages a day ain't bad. It's been nice. I feel like I'm finally on my way to living my best life. I cleared out all the notifications on my phone, and now I can answer things on time without being overwhelmed and feeling guilty, and boy, am I answering them! I don't think I've had many days to just sit at home and do nothing since The Visit, and it's so great. I feel like I'm getting close with people to whom I haven't really given a chance, if that makes sense. I was so wrapped up in my own head that I didn't consider that people might want to be my friend, and that I should let them. I never thought I would get so close to Goldie and Lils, and I never thought I'd be hanging out with Carol! But now I'm trying to get Cesar to give me a show date so we can go see him play. And Eliza, too-- it's a little weird, being friends with someone who was friends with Anselm first, but she's a lovely person, and I love to know her. She's coming over today, actually!
But in the midst of all this, there's a dark spot, and that dark spot is my best friend. For awhile now, I've felt that she doesn't truly know me as a person. Yes, she knows things about me, but she doesn't know me. Not in the way that Cece does. I think Cece is really the one who deserves the title of best friend, and I don't know why it's taken me so long to see it. She's amazing and incredible, and I love her so much, and I can't believe I was that selfish and toxic. But there's no point in dwelling on it. I just have to go towards the future and make things better. I don't know what to do about P, though, because she sort of hurt my feelings. We all went out, and she got super super drunk and I'm pretty sure I overheard her telling Henry about the night two years ago when I got blackout drunk, even though she's done that several times since and never acknowledged it, and I made sure to apologize profusely and never do it again, so I don't know. But at any rate, she didn't have to do that, and I think it was pretty rude. I think she told him about my alcoholism, too, and when Carol bought us a round of drinks, she was like "you're not going to finish that, right" and I couldn't, and goddamn it, I really wanted to. It was an Adios, and I used to drink those in college, so it was a fun sort of memory. But no, she had to drink it. I didn't pay for it, so I'm not that mad, but I'm a little mad. It's this on top of everything else that makes me want to do something mean, and so I did: I invited Goldie to LA to visit Chanel with me, and didn't even ask if P was free. We're going to have a fun road trip by ourselves, and maybe we'll actually get to have a real conversation for once. I'm so very excited! I think it's going to be a great time.
And then, I'm leaving for England soon! I don't know exactly when, so I can't buy tickets yet, but it's coming up. Maybe a month? I'm not sure, but hopefully it will be soon. I can't wait to be with E and live with her (!!!) and just enjoy life. It's really exciting. Life really does have a way of working out.
I feel like I'm becoming myself now. I've grown a lot, and now I think I finally feel like a 24-year-old. Finally, right? But I've overcome a lot, and it's good. I'm proud of where I am.