Happy 2018! Here’s a list of things that I’ve done over the past few months:
-started my PhD program at the University of Georgia
-had yet another unsuccessful suicide attempt
-got hospitalized for 11 days
-got banned from campus because of it
-had to come back to California
-got a job
-quit the job
-started looking for therapy
-started an intensive outpatient program
-got switched to the substance abuse (dual diagnosis) track
-as of today, I now have to look for sober living because that’s required for the track
Wow!
Okay but anyway, I’m also high right now, so I’m going to journal, and all the housekeeping stuff can wait.
I’m feeling my emotions so much more these days. I’ve been numb for so long, and now it’s like I’m starting to finally see in color again. I don’t even know if I’ve felt this way since the summer before high school, except in weird manic bursts. It’s like I’ve been living in a fog for years, and now things are finally clearer. I actually feel optimistic sometimes.
And I’m doing this thing now where I’m trying to treat myself as I treat other people, as an experiment to determine something that I haven’t yet figured out, and honestly, it’s made the biggest difference. I feel like a shy little kid, finally being treated kindly for the first time, and it’s so Much, and I can see why there’s a trauma bond, because I traumatized myself with horrible horrible abuse for a lifetime, and now I’m going to fall in love with myself because I’m treating myself kindly, and really, is that the secret to loving yourself, really, that’s it? And I hope it doesn’t make me complacent, or think that I’m a good person, because I’m not a good person, but I can try to be a good person, and that’s what matters. I feel like I’m getting to know myself for the first time. Who is this person? I’m a clean slate— I’m going to start at the beginning and keep what I like. After all, I don’t have to be any way I don’t want to be. I’m going to adopt the Marie Kondo philosophy— does it bring me joy? It’s sort of a meme, but also it’s kind of fun and selfish and good. But of course I’ll change it to /will/ it bring me joy, because my short term goals shouldn’t overcome my longterm goals. We learned that today. See, program is helping.
Oh, I just realized that my deadly sin is pride. I’m so proud, and I can’t let go of it, because it’s all I have. Everything else is out of my control, but at least I can be right. Because I can’t be wrong, because I have to be perfect. Oh.
Okay, time for the nice to kick in!
It’s okay to not be perfect. Nobody’s perfect.
I’m scared to get better. I’m scared to face the consequences of what I did. Maybe it’s for the best if I move away. First to Georgia, and then, after I graduate, maybe to London. I never thought I would move across the world for a girl I met online, but maybe I should. I could get away from everything and start a new life as a new person. But I’m scared to lose the people I love. If I weren’t physically in their lives, would they still love me? I would miss them so much. But the truth is, I’m going to miss them no matter what. No matter what happens, things are going to change, and we’re all going to become real adults, not just twenty-somethings, but Real Adults. But that’s not bad. I went to a party over winter break where everyone was smoking and drinking and having so much fun. And like, we could have that. We could still have fun. It would just be a little bit different fun than what we have now. And that’s okay.
There’s a lot of stuff I have to do. But first of all, I have an apology to make. I’ve been such a bad sister to Talia, and I need to tell her how sorry I am. I was wrong and bad. That’s a hard pill to swallow. It’s been years of her offering me endless forgiveness that I didn’t deserve, and endless patience that I never appreciated. Why did she do it? Was it because she had no one else?