I'm supposed to be studying, so naturally I'm doing everything else. It came to my attention that I haven't posted yet in January! And I want to! So here is my post. I'm going to edit it later when I don't have fifteen tons of homework to finish. Bye now!
ed: I realize that I have indeed posted in January. My bad. I'ma still edit though, I'ma still edit.

The yearly birthday mope

I'm about to turn 21, and I don't think I like it. Well, okay, I know I don't like it. I've never liked my birthdays, and as I've grown up, I've liked them less and less still. It's partially that I fear the passage of time, and partially that I feel I'm much too old to be this young, and partially some deep, unknown fear that I can't name, but all of it is unshakeable. We always like to laugh at the people who want to be young forever, and we think we're above them, but the truth is, I'm not. I want to be young forever. Not alive forever, no- a lot of the time, I don't even want to be alive now. But I want to live out my life, however long it may be, holding (successfully) unto my youth until the very end. Do I want knowledge? Of course I do. That's the purpose of my life, after all. But I don't think I have to grow old in order to get it. If I live freely, I should be able to gain wisdom, and experience, and all the knowledge I want (and I want a lot) without having to turn old and ugly and ineffectual and dissatisfied. I want to be 18 again, and hopeful, and ingenuous, and able to learn without trying to argue everything or be slowed down by the pressure of my own mind. By the time I'm 23, my brain cells will have matured, and then they will start to die, and I'll begin the descent into dismal decrepitude which I know is coming, and which I would do anything to forestall. I'm so afraid, but there's nothing I can do.

And then, too, I feel that as I mature, I have to change who I am, fundamentally and completely. So I'm pretty bubbly and joyous by nature, and I like to dance and sing and twirl around and put flowers in my hair, and so on. And that would be okay if I were younger, but I feel like I shouldn't be this way as an adult. I don't want to lose my enthusiasm, or my love of beauty, but it would look weird for a dignified linguistics professor to bend down and talk to a puppy, or stop and say hello to pretty flowers, or take selfies in front of a particularly nice building, and I can't really do any of that once I get to be at that stage in life. But am I at that stage in life? I don't know. Probably? I'm a third year in college already. That's pretty old. Oh gosh, I don't know. Some facets of my personality are good for this, of course- my drive, my willingness to help, my ambition- but that's only part of me, and if I get rid of everything else and just leave the good parts, what will I be? But I don't really have a choice. Playful young people are cute. Playful adults are annoying. Obviously, I can't stay sweet and adorable forever, and I have to grow up at some point. But I'm afraid to, because once I do, I'm not going to be Maria anymore, and it'll be weird. I suppose I'll adjust, though. I /am/ resilient. That's another of my good traits. And maybe I'll grow more good traits to replace the ones that I'll have to dispose of. That's something, right? It'll be okay. I can do this. I've gotten through everything before, and I'll get through this now.

It helps, of course, that everyone is so excited. 21! It's a big year! I can finally drink! Gosh, I've been waiting so long, you know. (Oh, that reminds me- I should tell you about New Years. But later.) And even my less alcoholic friends are excited. I'm going to celebrate with Trisha and Irene and Marissa tomorrow, and then after that I'm going to celebrate with Sigma, and I'm really excited. They're all so enthusiastic that it's making me more enthusiastic, and of course I do want to have an excuse to dress all cute, because goodness knows I will take literally any opportunity to get dolled up. I think I'll get up early and do a fancy makeup look too. So at least I have that. I'm going to try and focus on the good here (though there doesn't seem to be much), because I always get long depressive episodes around my birthday, and I don't want it to happen this year. I'm going to fight! Let's DO this!

All right, I think I'll go to bed now (so early! But I don't get to sleep much because of the Screaming Children who live with me) and get up early. I have a 10am discussion anyway. Goodnight!