I often wonder what my life would be like if fear weren't a constant ingredient in it. What would it be like to walk in public without a qualm, to make decisions without agonizing about them beforehand for days (and to rest easily once they were made), to smile at strangers in public without a second thought, to be able to to acquiesce to plans without panicking? Honestly, I have no idea what that would be like, because I haven't lived that way in a very long time. But I think about it a lot, and I like to imagine a world where the only sources of anxiety are normal ones, and I don't spend entire nights lying awake consumed with a sense of nameless dread.
I think life would be easier in that world. I'm not saying it would be perfect by any stretch of the imagination; I'm sure there would be days when I couldn't get out of bed, and days when even staying alive is a struggle. But they would be fewer, I think. Yes, I would be consumed by an impenetrable sense of malaise most of the time, and no, I wouldn't be happy at all, but at least I could go out with my friends without constantly worrying that they secretly hate me, and I would be able to make plans with people, and not have to wait for them to contact me. I could meet people, and talk to them, and get to know them, and I could compliment them on their aesthetically pleasing wardrobes without crumbling into a ball of nerves and flushed cheeks. Maybe I could even be the one to talk to people first and invite them to get coffee with me instead of the other way around. I wouldn't constantly make excuses– I have to study for syntax, you know how it is; Sorry I can't today, I'm not feeling well; Maybe next time, I have to take care of a few things today– and people would always want to include me in their gatherings because I would show up, and be confident enough to show up on time. I would make jokes at parties, and be able to eat and drink in front of people. I wouldn't pretend to text when I was alone in public, and I wouldn't be afraid to ask for directions if I was lost (which, let's face it, would still be pretty often), and I would be able to walk in front of a group of people without physically shaking (which, now that I think of it, probably looks fairly strange). I wouldn't feel sick all the time, and I could probably wear different clothes, now that I think of it, because my wardrobe is severely limited by the ironclad rules I keep in my head. The more I think of it, the more it seems that the world would be a veritable cavalcade of wonder. No more anxiety attacks, no more crying in the middle of the night, no more hours of internal debate and invective. Maybe I could sleep at a reasonable hour for once! Wouldn't it be strange to go to bed at 12:30 and know that sleep was imminent?
Now that I'm good and immersed in this alternate universe, it's becoming more and more obvious that my entire life is ruled by fear. I mean really, it's gotten to the point that even when I'm by myself, I'm consumed with worry lest I do something *ridiculous* (and the fact that this in itself is ridiculous really doesn't help matters at all). It's gotten so that I need to slip into a persona in order to do anything at all, and I really don't know if that's healthy. Then again, if you want to get existential about it, maybe I am just an amalgamation of all my personas, and everything I do, I do on my own. Which is cheery, I suppose, if you're into the baseball-coach-you-did-it-on-your-own-champ sort of mentality. But I don't know what to think anymore, and that, of course, gives me yet another reason to be consumed by anxieties. So none of that is really helpful. Naturally, this means that I have to retreat and stop thinking so deeply about all this, and focus on what I was originally trying to look at, namely the way things would be if anxiety didn't run the show.
So. I would have a much better social life, of this I'm sure. And I would be able to function much more normally in everyday life. Maybe I wouldn't spend hours analyzing every single thing I did, which would probably save a substantial amount of time, and I would be able to do things like check my email and go to important meetings without panicking about it, which would most likely enhance the likelihood of my employment in the future. All in all, I would be able to live a normal, satisfactory, life, and even though I would never feel happy, at least I wouldn't always feel afraid. And there's something to be said for that.
