Damn, I haven't written anything in like foreverrrr........ crap, I sound so plastic. Anyhow, there are three more days of spring break, not counting weekends (during which I will be at the retard-treat for dorkestra, learning many valuable lessons, such as how to embarrass oneself and how to eat greasy and disgusting cafeteria food without throwing up), so I thought that I should update on which things I have been doing deserving an update.
Ok, another thing that we all must learn right now is that diet bars are TINY! They're like the size of Rush Limbaugh's morals! How anyone can get a decent meal out of one of them is anyone's guess. (Of course, I can. But I am not everyone, am I.) Probably the plan of these companies is to make you eat a whole box just for lunch, and then of course you have to go buy more, and because they're "diet bars" you're thinking that you're not actually gaining any weight (which you probably are, as these things are remarkably unhealthful), so the companies get a big wad of dough in their pockets, and you get a big wad of dough under your shirt. Which kind of offsets the whole idea of a diet bar. But who am I to judge the vast companies of The Man?
Did I write that I dumped the fucker? I dk. must now check.
Ok, I didn't. In fact, I hardly said anything about him, really. So now, since I have time in abundance, let me share with you the whole sordid tale.
Sooo..... one fine day, the day after Jason had said he wanted to "just be friends", in fact (Seriously man, JK said that too. Fwahaha. I always manage to catch the conservative ones.), Allie approached me and told me that there was a new man on the horizon for me. Being the kind and sensitive person that I am, I immediately leapt up, grabbed her arm, and hollered, "WHO?!" at the top of my lungs. "It's Roger," she told me, trying to keep a straight face. "Who the heck is Roger?" I asked, puzzled. I had been hoping it would be someone I knew, not someone I didn't know, i.e. a creepy stalker. "Oh, he's in my choir," she said nonchalantly, probably suspecting, and with good reason, that I wanted another man to soothe my ruffled pride, no matter who the soother would be. So I sat around wondering through lunch who this wonderful soother of pride was, and what he was like, and other things. (Like, IS HE CUTE????) I continued to wonder while walking to class, and then continued to wonder during Spanish. (I couldn't get advice on him, though, because in Spanish, my group is made up of 4 or 5 boys who all look upon me as a goddess of wisdom and beauty and who would also probably not know this new man. (As I was to find out, they did know him, because everyone knew him, but that is a tidbit for later consumption.) I continued to wonder during P.e, and played a little worse than usual, much to the annoyance of JK (Who, unfortunately, along with Maddison and her best friend Clarice, is in my class) and his three friends. (Ok, this saga of JK, Maddison, Clarice, and me is too long, drawn out, dramatic, and hilariously karma's-a-bitch-ish to include now. Suffice to say the ones who hate me are the least popular of anyone there, perhaps because they hate me, but I will hedge no bets, or something like that.) Anyway, the next day, Allie came skipping over, arm in arm with a very emo looking, ugly Asian dude. "This is Roger!" she trilled, shoving him forward, so that he landed next to me. "Hi Roger," I said in my best Public voice (i.e sweet, high, substanceless, and stupid), tilting my head and performing an idiotic wave. "Heyy there," said he, in a voice presumably concocted to charm people, but which in reality could charm nothing more than a garbage bag full of hedge clippings and dead bell peppers. "So, what's up?" "Uh, not much, you?" I said reflexively, meanwhile wondering why he wasn't asking my name. Even if he knew it already (which is kinda weird), wouldn't it be polite to ask? Like, for the sake of formality? But, as I was to learn, formality, politeness, and reason did not apply to our Roger. He proceeded to sit with us for two days, during which he seemed to me to be a semi-good person. He was (and I guess still is)...
1. Asian
2. Mixed Asian, like me.
3. Very musical.
4. Very smart. (Although he later told me, with much pride, that he cheats on every quiz, test, or exam the teachers see fit to hand out)
5. Very "sensitive". (So sensitive, in fact, that when anything in the remotest way sarcastic was said to him, he took on a pouty face and then began to act like a douche. Yes, he is just soooooooo sweet and sensitive, is he not?)
6. Very "sweet". (Although his version of sweetness involved calling other people names, and then turning to the object of his misplaced affections and saying something like, "But don't worry, I love you", which didn't really have a way of building people's confidence in his powers of sweetness)
7. Emo. (I LIKE emos, ok? Don't hate! They're like hot!)
8. Very quiet. (Is this a good thing? Maybe it means he is an intellectual.)
9. Very clean-cut. (And by this I mean that he dresses in a wholesome way. Although his clothes are all black (which I approve of), they boast no dripping blood, fangs, skeletons, wings, or anything that could draw him closer to my heart.)
10. Very eloquent. He is the one who taught me that "fuck" could be used in any situation, to describe anything, be it animal, vegetable, mineral, or talk show host.
So these are his ten good points (although the last one was just sarcastic, so maybe nine?) Anyway, I was made well aware of these points of his as time went on. The boy possesses an ego the size of North Dakota.
After the second day, (Actually, it was the third day, but I'd been sick and went home before lunch, merely dragging myself out for two of my honor's classes and skipping English, which, if it is indeed an honor's class, must be aimed for the smartest among those with dementia, schizophrenia, Down's syndrome, or Huntington's disease, no offense meant to any of these diseases or people who have them) he walked me to Spanish, and then said, in a very awkward, shy, and diffidwnt way, "So, uh.... will you go out with me?" "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" screamed my brain. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" screamed my conscience. "NOOOOOOO!!!!" screamed all the echos of my friends' warnings in my memory. "Ok, sure," said my mouth.
During p.e, I took a lot of flak for this decision. "Didn't you, like, not know him?" asked Kokora, looking stunned. "Ummmmm, well, ya know," I explained, making vague had gestures to help move the conversation along. "Did you know that he an I are complete simmering rivals, and bitter enemies?" asked Carissa, probably trying to think of more food-related analogies as she went along. "Oh, no! I'm so sorry!" I cried, bowing. (Why, I don't know. But whatever.) "Oh, it's ok! I don't mind!" she said, looking rather embarrassed. "But, ummmm.... be careful..." "You're going out with ROGER???!!!" squawked Katherine. "Did you know I used to like him?" she asked later, in a conversational way. "I am SOOOOOO sorry!" I cried, very dismayed. "I am NOT the kind of girl who goes around stealing other people's men! So I can, um, break up with him if you-" "No, I said I USED to like him, fool!" laughed Katherine. "Go out with him, enjoy yourself, have fun!" "Um, thank you!" I said, not really sure what I was thanking her for. "What?" she asked, momentarily discombobulated. "Oh, nothin!" I trilled. "Look, hot guy!"
After this day, the mofo began to be highly possessive, douchey, and nice, all at once. In doing this, he managed to make me feel like a pile of shit, 24/7. It was rather disheartening. On Valentines' day, (or rather, the Friday before it), he wandered into my biology classroom, carrying a basket full of candy, a stuffed animal, and a balloon. And a really cool folded paper flower. And a card. "Uh, I didn't see you during passing period," he muttered, in a rather self-concious way, "So, uh here. Love you." "Um! Uh, th-thank you!" I stuttered, accepting the gift, and trying not to fall over. "Later," he said, and left, just as the whole class, (including the sub) all said in a body, "Awwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!" and began clapping. Even S-hole joined in. In English, next period, S-hole began to be very friendly. "Could you move Roger's present off my desk?" he asked in a genial tone. I was, as you see, giving chocolate to Ella, who didn't want to wait until lunch. I certainly wasn't just sitting on his desk on purpose. (Who would?) "Oh, sorry," I said sarcastically, not sorry at all. "Still, that was pretty funny," he continued, sitting himself down. "Was it?" I asked him coolly. "Cute, but funny." he verified. "I am sure it was," I said, not quite as sarcastically, moving towards my desk. The preps, were, after all watching our interaction with interest. (None of them had valentines, as you see.)
After this day (btw I gave R a song I recorded since it requires almost no effort on my part and seems like it took a lot of work), R began to be so possessive and jerk-ish that it was frankly quite sickening. He frequently made allusions to my stupidity, and hit me in an "affectionate" way a lot. He knew things about me that no one told him (or maybe they did, but the "no one" certainly wasn't me) and used them creepily. He said we used to do tae kwon do together, as does everyone else, but I can't remember a thing. Odd, huh? Maybe he raped me and I'm supressing my memories. But, as it became clear, everyone knew him, be they teacher, Earth science student, or valedictorian. In fact, in our town, he also has quite a presence. I enjoyed celebrity, fame, and complete despair, thanks to my new man.
My friends were all aware of him, and also of my apparent depression, and began to say things like, "Dump him, Jasmine! The guy is hurting you BAD!" and "You, Jasmine, are number 1 on my prayer list." (This was from KiKi, of course) I was very emo, according to everyone.
One day, he heard from someone (apparently someone I know) that I didn't really like him. This was, of course, true, but I didn't want to admit it. Instead, I used one of my best tactics, shame, and told him, "I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks I'm a liar" (over facebook too, how crueeeel) and ignored him. The next day, he told me that he didn't think I was a liar, that he loved me, and that I would give him another chance. Before I could protest to this rather presumptuous claim, he walked off. Then, he acted completely normal, albeit more possessive.
The highlight came on Chinese new year's. We were all at the church, (Chinese church) for the celebration, and suddenly I heard, behind me, "It's YOU!" I turned, and the most wonderful sight met my poor, bedraggled eyes. Mark stood there, with an expression full of unreadable-ness. I had to restrain myself from grabbing him in a big hug and weeping. "What are YOU doin here?" I instead asked. "Did you get a gene transplant, are you trying to spy on people, or are you a really ugly mutant Asian?" "I could ask the same of you... wait, never mind," said he, apparently remembering that I am, in fact, Chinese. We talked for a bit, then had food. As he went past my chair, carrying a heaping plate, I grabbed some tofu off of it, and he willingly let me! KYAH! After this, we went outside to talk. Just as we were remembering a very juicy rememberance involving Thomas, helium, and homeschool graduation, I felt a presence behind me. I turned, slowly, and who did I see? Correct. I saw R, glaring at Mark, and looking like someone had stewed and eaten his pet rabbit without salt, sugar, or bread. "Ah! Hi!" I chirped, feeling as if I had gotten the wind knocked out of me. "Um, please, everyone, meet each other!" The two boys continued to glare at each other with venom, and looked as if they were about to start circling in a sort of violent, pre-battle way. To prevent this, I got between them and started talking inanely about random things. Mark looked pissed. R looked delighted. We walked together into the room with the sofa, and all sat down. R pushed me so that I dropped onto the end of the couch, and couldn't sit next to Mark. Then, he sat down next to me, and started sweet-talkin, about, of all things, Meyer's labs, and how his are so much better than mine. "Probably! Mine are sooo crappy!" I sarcastically agreed, but in such a sweet voice that he suspected not a thing. Mark looked even more pissed. Eventually, we went to watch the lion dance. R wrapped his arms around me, and started rocking side to side. I was obliged to do so as well, as I didn't want to fall down, and we bore the brunt of wrath from many crowded church goers who politely tried to ignore the teenage boat of love, rocking from side to side. After this, I wriggled free and started talking to Mark. R asked hopefully if we were cousins. "I think I'd die if I were related to her," Mark proclaimed, as I punched him the stomach. "I wouldn't just die, I'd spontaneously combust!" I declaimed. R looked severely enraged. After a while, Mom came out, met R, said hi to Mark, (therefore furthering R's annoyance) and suggested we take pictures. "Nooo!'' chorused the boys. "Sure!" I said with enthusiasm. "Fine...." the boys chorused again. We proceeded to take a shitload of pictures. Mom had to drag me off. She later proclaimed what a nice, good looking, musical, and thoroughly awesome person my boyfriend was. Loudly. And many times. It was very embarrassing.
After this night, R became so possessive it was impossible to stand him. He got mad if he saw me even talking to another boy, and also frequently extolled his own virtues. He said how much he likes to flirt with other girls and hold their hands, etc. I was so pissed that I began to be sarcastic in earnest, risking anger from him. Mark, meanwhile, was talking to me like crazy, over text and chat. He was also bombarding me with pleas to break up with "the creeper".
So.... one day, I did. Did it work? No. He told me that it was about what he wanted and I didn't "have to do this". Then, he ignored me and began to talk about himself. FUCKER. So two days later, I went over to him during passing period, and said, "Roger, I'm breaking up with you!" "Whyyyyyy?" he asked in a whine. "Cause I need to be with someone who respects me and is good for me!" I said, trying to gather the last vestiges of my strength. "Okkkkkk," he said, and wandered off. "YOU DID IT!!!" yelled Bonnie and Andrea, who were walking with me. "Yay!" added Diana who was also walking with me. I was very proud.
So was everyone else. In fact, I became a celebrity. Especially in my p.e class. Quite fun. Although now, I'm probably known as The Girl Who Broke Up With Roger. Which is bad. But oh well. I feel so free.... Tiana said he was crying all day. I feel bad. Like, very bad. It's all my fault.... yeesh, he deserves it. Yes.
So, that is my story of The Fucker. It was very dramatic and alarming, was it not? It was. But now I want more drama in my life..... should I go after Mark and get rejected? Nyah. THAT would be fun.
May I say in conclusion, There was never a tale/more fucked up than/This of Jasmine/And all her men.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
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